Excuse Me But Did I Just Ovulate?

Guys...I think I ovulated.

My disclaimer for anyone who has been happily following along while I chat about all things baby and may not have been around before I had the baby, I'm just gonna let you know that before baby I liked to chat about cervical mucus and constipation.   So go ahead and skip this post if you have no desire to read about cervical mucus, from now on known as EWCM (oh the acronyms!)...I'm not gonna talk about constipation.  Though now that I've broached the subject I am going to let you know that it took until 4 months postpartum to poop normally...it doesn't all end with the baby coming out unfortunately!

I've gone off subject... we're not talking about constipation, I'm going to talk about cervical mucus today!

So...ovulation.

I am 9.5 months postpartum, still nursing like crazy and have had very few signs, if any of my period making a comeback. Which I was totally ok with as nursing is our only form of birth control these days and I always told myself that I would wait until Baby #1 was a year old before trying (or thinking!) for Baby #2.

But lately every few weeks, maybe once a month, I would have some EWCM.  It would stick around for just a day or two and then gone.  It was very reminiscent of my cycles when they would last for 90+ days, as though my body was attempting to ovulate, gearing up for it and then just never quite popping the egg out and starting all over.

UNTIL 2 weeks ago I had GOBS AND GOBS of EWCM that lasted for DAYS.  I thought to myself HMMM, MAYBE I'M ABOUT TO OVULATE, but didn't REALLY believe that.  Just the ol' infertile mind coming back to haunt me (I'm ovulating, let's make more babies!)

Then the EWCM disappeared and I decided to take my temperature.  Oh yes, I BROUGHT MY GODDAMN THERMOMETER OUT OF HIDING.  Turns out you can't keep the crazy at bay for long, no matter how much you tell yourself that you're not ready for another baby, the second you think about ovulating you think MUST. MAKE. BABY!

Lo and behold, my temp was up....

Interesting.  But not conclusive.

So I started temping.  Every day.  Well, I'm temping as well as one can temp when one is up at least once every night...I admit my temps might be less than accurate.

But I'm at 10 days of high temps. 

DID I OVULATE?

IS IT TIME TO MAKE MORE BABIES?

Not ideal, but if eggs are popping out on their own, then it's GAME ON. 

Truth be told it wouldn't be the end of the world to get the babies out of the way quickly...my husband isn't getting any younger...and I REALLY didn't like the newborn stage, why prolong that hell, let's just do it now!

As far as I remember I have a 16 day luteal phase...which means I've got 6 more days to obsess over my temperature until AF arrives...or pee on something.

It's been a long time since I peed on something in the desperate search for information.

WHY ISN'T THERE SOMETHING TO PEE ON TO TELL ME IF I OVULATED 10 DAYS AGO?

So here we are, just 9 months after baby and I'm already back writing about EWCM, taking my temperature and thinking about peeing on ALL THE THINGS.

 And so it begins again...I think.

More Babes In Heaven

Mary Francis had to deliver her triplets this weekend, just one week shy of viability.

The downside to this community is that you hear about these situations more than you would IRL, which is why we're all desperate to hit 24 weeks and we all breathe a sigh of relief when we get there.

As much as we'd like to believe these things don't happen...they do.

There are no words.  I can't imagine what Mary Francis is going through right now.

Back to my blogging hiatus, there will be no blogging about nurseries, bumps, birth and baby showers for a few days.  It all just seems so unimportant when things like this hit the community.

Everyone please hit up MF's blog and send her some love...she and her husband need it desperately right now. 

Still the Bitter Infertile

I don't know what is up with 2012 but it seems everyone is turning up pregnant.

The luck of the dragon I guess.

As all the BFP's have been raining down on the IF community I've been nothing but happy for each and every one of them, whether they struggled for a year or 5 years I'm so happy so many are getting good news this year.

But it seems the dragon luck is not exclusive to the IF community and nearly all the NON infertility bloggers I follow have announced their pregnancies in the last few months as well.

And it irks the shit out of me.

Is this because I tend to follow others who are at similar stages in life as me?  ie. most were recently married and thus pregnancy is the next step?

I want to be happy for all of these people.  I want to say "yay!  another member of the 2012 babies club!"

But a part of me still aches when someone married 3 months ago turns up pregnant.  Or when someone waits until 12 weeks to announce and then starts back-posting everything they wrote during the weeks leading up to their announcement and they mention baby names, they talk nurseries.

There's no fear in those posts.  

There is nothing but joy and excitement.

And I'm jealous. 

I am 29 weeks pregnant and I am still scared to death that something will go wrong in the next 3 months and I won't have a baby come August.

It is not a constant worry.  Most days I walk around perfectly comfortable in my pregnant body, happy to tell people that I'm 7 months pregnant.  And I smile and nod as they tell me how hard newborns are and how I will never sleep again, etc etc.

But then something hurts, or something is uncomfortable and I'm fully convinced that this is the beginning of the end.

I've spent the last 2 days on the couch with gas pains so severe that I could hardly walk.

My uterus seemed blissfully unaware about all the action going on around it, but that didn't stop me from poking it ALMOST CONSTANTLY to see if it was contracting.  To which I could then connect the dots of uterus contracting and I'M IN PAIN, I MUST BE IN LABOR!

I was obviously not in labor.

It's almost as though this whole thing has been too damn easy and I need something to go wrong so I can say, THAT WAS IT, now the rest can be easy.

I don't like being this person that worries all the time.  I am not a worrier by nature.

Part of me thinks, WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD, as I know all mothers worry about their children and I will probably never be the carefree non-worrier again.  But part of me is sad, sad that I can't JUST STOP.

I've tried hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy part of this journey.  But I must admit, I desperately want this kid out.

I want to quit worrying about every twitch and pinch and pain that I experience being a sign that something is wrong.  I want to quit being afraid that it will all end when I am alone.  I want to quit worrying that because I'm so worried about seeming crazy to my midwives that I won't call them about something I should have ie. I did not call my midwives about the gas pains I've been having, I'm so tired of emailing them, feeling crazy, them reassuring me and then have everything feel ok the moment they email me back so that I feel even crazier.

And I'm want to quit being jealous that people get pregnant easily.  That not everyone has a miscarriage.  That not everyone loses babies.  As though it's some rite of passage that everyone should have to experience before they can have their healthy babies.

I don't want to feel that way.  I wish NO woman EVER had to experience a miscarriage or worse, a stillbirth.  And I'm bitter and angry that I was one of the people that had to experience one.  And I feel like a bitch because so many people have had it so much worse and lost so much more.

And I hate that IF and baby loss take away the joy of pregnancy.

Does it ever end?  Once a bitter infertile, always a bitter infertile? 

A Heavy Heart

It is with a very heavy heart that I relay the news that there have been some losses in the IF community this week.

Both Belle at Scrambled Eggs and Tiffany at Pifer's Journey found out their babes no longer have heartbeats.

2012 has been so amazing, blessing so many of us with pregnancies that these two losses feel particularly difficult.

Hearing about others dealing with miscarriage takes me back every time to that sad little place in my head when I was dealing with my own.

I cried for them both.

Love and hugs to these ladies and their families as they deal with their grief and as they learn to survive one of the cruelest jokes god plays on us, blessing us with a pregnancy and then taking it all away.

A New Member of the Worst Club Ever

Alexis over at Our Journey Through This Lovely Life lost her baby over the weekend.

Spotting at 12w1d, a trip to the ER, no heartbeat and a baby that quit growing at 8w6d.

Sound familiar?

Yeah, it's my story all over again.

Alexis, you're not alone.

Everyone please go visit her and give her some love as she just became a member of the 

Pregnancy Loss Club that none of signed up for and too many of us belong to.

The First Due Date

Today, March 30 was my original estimated due date for Baby A.

After my 6 week ultrasound it was changed to March 31, but me and FF decided it was March 30 and that's the date that really stuck with me as my due date.

And it's here, it's finally here.

It's surreal to imagine being 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth right now.

And it's amazing that I am 20 weeks pregnant and halfway through a 2nd pregnancy as we come to what would have been the end of the first.

I looked upon this date with trepidation and dread.

I didn't know what I would be feeling, if I would be sad and depressed, or if the baby in my belly would make it all ok.

Turns out as I feel Baby B wiggling around, he makes it all ok.

I'm not sad.  I am hopeful.

Most of the events of my life, good and bad, I wouldn't change.  I believe the negative experiences as well as the positive shape us and make us the people we are.  If you change the experiences then you change the person.  And even though I have my faults I wouldn't actually want to be any other person but myself...shitty life experiences and all.

But if I could go back and change the miscarriage I would say wholeheartedly that I would.

Right now, before I meet Baby B, I would give him up to have never had to experience the miscarriage and to be having Baby A right now (because we all know baby's come right on their due dates and I would literally be giving birth right now ;-)

But I believe once Baby B arrives it will make the miscarriage a part of my life that I'm OK with.  Because without the miscarriage Baby B, which is the one I'm meant to meet, wouldn't be a part of my life.

Ok, now I'm sad.  I JUST MADE MYSELF SAD WITH MY OWN WRITING.

But today it's over.  The first pregnancy and all it's 40 weeks that would have been a part of it are in the past.  10 months that after the arrival of Baby B don't have to be so important anymore.

I have no more dates from my first pregnancy to surpass, no more reminders of Baby A.

IT'S BABY B ALL THE WAY FROM HERE ON OUT.

And I hope this year is the ONLY year that I commemorate March 30 as anything other than just another day.

Detached

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a controversial post, I feel like a lot of pregnancy bloggers like to sugar coat and would never dare say what I'm about to say, but I don't do sugar coating very well, IRL or here, so I'm just keeping it real.

I've been putting this post together over the last few days and when Cornfed Feminist mentioned that she hasn't had her moment of attachment to her baby at 7 weeks, I thought what perfect timing for me to throw out this detachment post I've been working on since there's at least one other person who has experienced the same thing.

I hear a lot of women say they are very attached to the baby they carry around in their bellies, almost from the moment they learn they are pregnant.

If a miscarriage happens I've heard women say they miss their babies and that sometimes they have trouble trying to get pregnant again because even if they get pregnant again the new baby won't be the old baby and it's the old baby that they want back.

I don't feel any of this.

I don't feel very attached to my baby.

And I don't miss my first baby either.

This isn't to say that it would not be devastating to lose this baby.  I can't even imagine the pain of that kind of loss and I hope to god I never have to know what it feels like.

And this isn't to say that the miscarriage wasn't the single most heartbreaking, soul crushing moment of my life.  My first EDD is March 31 and I look upon the date with dread.

You guys watched, through my words, as I dealt with my miscarriage.  It was devastating.

But it was not the loss of THAT baby in my belly that I mourned for.  Let's face it that baby wasn't even a baby, it was a 9 week old fetus, or was it still an embryo?  When's the switch?  Either way, it looked nothing like a baby, it was a little kidney bean, with no discernible human shape.  

No, I mourned for the loss of what the baby represented for our future.  And what losing the baby took away from us.  A future with children.  I mourned for what felt like the loss of our future with children.

An emotional break from TTC never really entered my mind.  I wasn't emotionally attached to THAT baby, I was attached to being pregnant and what should result from a pregnancy.

A future with children.

This is all to say that almost halfway through this pregnancy I in fact still feel rather detached from this baby.

I thought that seeing the little one on that ultrasound screen would really rile up some emotion in me.

I thought I would cry.

But in all honestly, there was no fighting back tears, I didn't get misty eyed, I didn't feel a well of emotion....it was actually a little creepy.  There is a little alien MOVING around inside there like crazy and I couldn't feel any of the movements.

I don't know if how detached I feel is normal, if it's a side effect of the miscarriage, or it's just me and how I'm an emotional zombie (sense my sarcasm).

Since the ultrasound I've started to feel the baby move and just like the ultrasound...it's a little creepy.  It's a very ODD sensation, one that I know as the baby grows changes, and as much as I was looking forward to this moment, I WILL BE HAPPY THAT THIS SPECIFIC FEELING IS SHORT LIVED.

It feels like a butterfly is stuck in my uterus.

Or you know when your eye twitches or a muscle in your arm?  IT FEELS LIKE THAT.

None of this is to say that I don't want this baby with every fiber of my being.  Because I do.
I WANT THIS BABY.

And even though the movement is super weird, it brings a smile to my face every time.

I can even tell you that the beginnings of a personality and it's likes and dislikes are coming out. It seems to have no affinity for sweets, sweets do nothing for the movement, just like mama.  And it loves breakfast, just like mama.

But I have yet to have that moment of attachment where I'm like oh that's MY baby in there.

I know I will be attached once this little person pops out there.  I have no fear about not feeling an attachment after it's born.

Perhaps I need to see him/her?  Like I've never met this little person and I think I need to meet him/her before my attachment really takes hold.

Is this weird?

I wanna know.  Did you all get super attached to your babies in utero right away?  Do you feel a disconnect?  If you felt detached did it change at some point?

And if you've had a miscarriage, were you super attached to THAT baby, or was it just what the baby represented?  And have you found it difficult to begin TTC post miscarriage because you feel so attached to the first baby?

All This Pregnancy Talk

Before I say anything else I have to say ULTRASOUND IS TOMORROW!!!!

EEK!!!!


I will bumpdate tomorrow (husband out of town again!) with the ultrasound piccie.

Now back to my post.

I have something to share with you guys.

I know I talk about pregnancy almost constantly.  And the truth is I almost only read YOUR posts if they're about pregnancy (or infertility, I keep up to date with everyone's fertility treatments too).

I pretty much have nothing else to blog about these days.  And I am trying to absorb as much from the other pregnancy bloggers as I can.

And there's a reason.

With pregnancy #1 I waited until I was 8 weeks to write anything about pregnancy and then I tried to make it sporadic, every other post at most that I would write about it.  And I had barely begun to read others pregnancy blogs.

And then we lost the baby.

I had so many unpublished posts about pregnancy that were no longer relevant because I was no longer pregnant.  And I quickly unfollowed every pregnancy blog that I was reading.

Then there was a lot of miscarriage writing.  And a lot of searching for others who had recently miscarried.  And a lot of unfollowing of anyone who was lucky enough to get their BFP while I was grieving.

So, this time, instead of trying to keep my pregnancy talk down to every other post, I'm just going with it. Whatever I feel like writing that day I write and I post.

BECAUSE WHO KNOWS HOW LONG I'LL STAY PREGNANT.

And there it is.

Those sick sick thoughts that won't let me accept a full term pregnancy as a reality, those better write it and post it while you're pregnant because you might not be able to write it tomorrow thoughts.

On the outside looking in when I read my own blog it looks like I've transitioned from my place of darkness where all I could think about was recurrent miscarriage to a place where I'm now happily pregnant.  Absorbed fully in pregnancy since that's all I talk about on here and rarely do I go to that dark place anymore (except of course when met with gobs of CM =).  I don't do this consciously, which is the GOOD news, it means I'm not consciously trying to push away dark thoughts but I recognize that it might give off a much different impression of how I'm feeling than I actually am.

This whole PAIL debate really got me thinking about what I write on my blog and why.  I've never censored myself and I don't plan to start.  I write what I want, when I want and usually because it's something I want to remember. I wrote a lot about the miscarriage because I don't ever want to forget what I felt those few weeks afterward.  No, it's not pleasant but it's nice to know that I'm not there anymore.  I write about pregnancy because I want to remember all this later in life after pregnancy seems like a distant memory and I have teenagers driving me crazy.

I LOVE getting comments it's true, but they don't drive my post content, they are the added bonus of writing something worth reading.

I know that I am in a lucky position to be pregnant with 35 others who are also pregnant and have fought this battle right along side me.  Because of this, since becoming pregnant I have not had my readership go down, my comments have not gone down and my followers have actually gone UP.

But I am also very much aware that constant pregnancy chatter can be like a knife to the heart of those still in the trenches and make it seem like I've forgotten my journey to get here.  I know a lot of those still in the midst of their battles will not be reading here anymore and that's ok, I did the same thing.  

But I still wanted to let everyone know that even though my blog is constantly about pregnancy now it's not about forgetting the journey, because that would be impossible.  The unfortunate reality is...

My constant pregnancy talk = trying to squeeze in as much as possible just in case I have to quit and go back to sad writing....

The No Good Horrible Very Bad Day

I have a bumpdate for you I promise, but it has to wait until tomorrow because instead of a bumpdate...

I have to tell you guys a story.

It's a story that I will title, How I Freaked the Fuck Out Last Night and Convinced Myself I was Going Into Preterm Labor.

For starters, I am fine, there is nothing wrong.  Everything I experienced was normal, but because of special circumstances that I will describe momentarily it was really hard for me to convince myself of that last night.

So here's the story.

I flew into NYC last night and to refresh everyone's memories the last time I was in NYC was last September and almost immediately upon landing I started spotting and two days later we found out that a miscarriage was imminent.  We cut our trip short and hightailed it back to SF so I could miscarry in the comfort of my own home.

I was hoping that starting my miscarriage here in NYC would not taint NYC for me and I made it a point to come out here and NOT let the experience ruin NYC.

But obviously there's something of the experience still left in my brain because...

TMI warning, there is a lot of cervix and cervical mucus talk from here on out, you have been warned.

As soon as I arrived at my final destination I felt "something" in my underwear, something that felt eerily similar to passing a clot through my cervix.  Ever since my miscarriage I am UBER aware of what it feels like when something passes through my cervix.

When I went to inspect the situation I found a huge gooey gob of cervical mucus that looked suspiciously like snot.  Now ever since the beginning of the 2nd tri the CM has really kicked it up a notch from 1st tri and has been much more prevalent but up until this point CM has been very very thin and watery, nowhere near this thick.

The gooey gob was completely clear and I was in no pain.  

I immediately checked my cervix because that's what a rational person does right?  Immediately assumes her cervix is dilating because of gooey CM?  All was fine, cervix was very hard and very closed, PERFECT.  So, I didn't worry about it.

But 2 hours later after a wonderful dinner out with my girlfriends I had to use the loo again and once more I'm met with GOBS of thick mucus.  I once again go searching around for my cervix (seriously do fertiles do this?) and I CAN'T FIND IT!!!

So I proceed to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

In that instant I absolutely 100% convinced myself that I had just passed my mucus plug and that labor was imminent and that I would have to go to the ER again and lose the baby WITHOUT my husband with me.  It was the same apartment, same bathroom, everything was the same and it was like I was repeating those horrible days where I started spotting back in September.

As I said, clearly the past experience with the miscarriage starting here is still with me.

So, because I was SO FREAKED OUT I called my midwife and luckily with the time difference it was only 8:30pm for her and she answered right away.

Here's what she told me, THICK CERVICAL MUCUS IS A TOTALLY NORMAL SYMPTOM OF PREGNANCY.

And when I told her I couldn't find my cervix?

She tells me THAT IS A TOTALLY NORMAL THING FOR YOUR CERVIX TO DO.

Completely NOT convinced I somehow manage to fall asleep anyway and I had terrible TERRIBLE dreams about miscarrying.  In my dream every time I went to the bathroom there would be more and more blood.

IT WAS AWFUL.

This morning with my more rational head on I once again checked my cervix (no wonder my cervix is hiding from me, it's protecting itself from all the poking and prodding!) and once again it was right there, hard and closed.

And then because I'm staying with a friend who had a baby a few years ago and has a doppler, we dopplered me, HEARTBEAT IS PUMPING AWAY BEAUTIFULLY.

So, in a nutshell, I am totally fine and not in preterm labor.  And because I want others to learn from me, for all the preggies, DON'T FREAK OUT ABOUT THICK GOBS OF CLEAR CERVICAL MUCUS in your 2nd tri and convince yourself you're going into preterm labor if you have no other reason to suspect such a situation is occurring.

This community has a downfall.  Usually information is power, but in this instance I wish I was blissfully unaware of people going into labor at 20 or 22 weeks.  

Unfortunately in this community we are all too aware of the tragedies that befall many of our members and we know all the details, we know all about preterm labor and losing babies at 20 weeks.  It is not a story that happened to a friend of a friend of a friend, it happened to one (or many) of us and we've read the details straight from the source.

I KNOW it can happen and it sucks that my brain took me there SO EASILY.  This was the only time since becoming a member of this community where I desperately wished I wasn't and that I was completely naive and had only heard about women losing their babies from afar, like a friend of a friend of a friend lost her baby at 20 weeks and I had no other details.  

I mourn the loss of my naiveté.

So, there you have it.  Just when I start looking at strollers and getting comfortable I am STRUCK DOWN with an episode of pure crazy panic.  

We're at 17 weeks today and I have officially entered what I consider the 2nd "scary" period.  Of course the first 10-12 weeks are the 1st scary period, but somewhere between now and 24 weeks it is no longer miscarriage that is the worry (even though up until 20 weeks it's still technically a miscarriage) but preterm labor and losing your baby in a different way.  The baby having no heartbeat is becoming less and less worrisome and having to give birth to the baby because of one reason or another before it's ready to come out is the new fear.

New week, new fear.

Just 7 more weeks, just 7 more weeks...

Pregnant IFers

If you have not yet received your BFP I strongly recommend you don't read this post.  I've been there and I know how much it hurts to feel like you are the only one still struggling and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with this post.  But the reality is that I'm pregnant and I have to start living life as though I will STAY pregnant even though most of the time this is a concept I'm still struggling with.  This post is an effort to start moving in that direction.

This post is a celebration of pregnancy.

It is a celebration of all the BFP's that the IF community has been blessed with over the last few months.

I've struggled a lot with accepting pregnancy as a reality.  During my first pregnancy I went out of my way to seek out other newly pregnant bloggers, this backfired as I lost my baby and they went on to have their babies...or are HAVING them now, this is my EDD month!  I unfollowed them all and went back to IFers.

This time I've been EXTREMELY hesitant to seek out other pregnant bloggers.  Luckily the IF community was hit with a string of BFPs and I was already following a bunch of you when you received your news.  So, voila!  Pregnant buddies without me having to do a thing.

But lately, since this pregnancy is still progressing smoothly, I've been going out of my way to find MORE pregnant bloggers but this time I've stuck to pregnant IF bloggers.  I'm hoping this is a step in the right direction to help me better accept pregnancy and be more willing to wrap my brain around the idea of a happy outcome to pregnancy.

So today I removed my TTC Journey on the right hand side (though it's still a page at the top) and I added a blogroll of exclusively pregnant IFers.

Guess how many of you I found to add to this blogroll?

28

Holy shit!  28 pregnant IFers!

Most of you I have been following since long before your BFP.

Some of you I started following after I received my own BFP.

And some of you I just found through PAIL.

Some of you are a bit farther along than me.

Some of you are within a week of me.

And some of you are brand new and JUST received your BFP.

But I believe everyone is due between June and October.  We will all have babies within a few months of each other.

I don't care how pregnant you are, if you've received a BFP lately I added you.

And I'm absolutely amazed at how many of us there are.

I thought there would be 10...maybe 15.  I didn't realize the number was much much closer to 30.

I know that numbers are not always on our side and statistics would dictate that not all of us should get to keep our babies, especially in this community that always seems to have a higher number of tragedies.  So, in an effort to minimize emotional pain if this were to happen to any of us I promise to follow you all carefully and make sure that if any of you, god forbid, lose your babies I will remove you immediately from the blogroll so that you never have to see your name over there and cry.  I imagine it would be like getting a bump.com email about the next week in your pregnancy after you've lost your baby.  Been there, done that and I don't want to invoke those feelings I had for anyone who is dealing with a loss.

That being said I'm hoping to not have to remove ANY of you and even to ADD more IFers and that we as a group beat the odds!

Now, did I miss anyone?

UPDATE:  We're up to 34!!!

PAIL: Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss

Every single infertility blogger wants to someday cross over to the other side and have their infertility blog turn into a pregnancy blog and later into a mommy blog.

But every single one of us that pees on that stick and gets a longed for positive instead of the oft repeated negative has no idea how to make the transition.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss leaves you feeling very much in limbo.

We walk a fine line between not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings by talking about pregnancy too much and struggling to find a place where we belong with other pregnant bloggers who didn't have to fight to achieve their pregnancy.

All of your fellow infertiles who are still waiting for their BFP's probably don't want to hear you bitch about how uncomfortable pregnancy can be and since you've been there you realize that for anyone still in the trenches that complaining about pregnancy can be like a knife through the heart.

But let's face, pregnancy isn't all rainbows and unicorns and even though most of us pray for the nausea and fatigue and constipation to stick around just so we know we're still pregnant, it still makes for some pretty uncomfortable situations and sometimes you just gotta whine about it.

But on the other hand, those of us who have struggled/experienced loss just to get to this point have a really hard time relating to pregnant women who did not struggle to get here.  We don't feel like we belong with the "fertiles" but we know we're losing out place with the "infertiles".

Infertility is still a part of you, the loss is still a part of you, but you're on the path to motherhood and at some point you have to cross over.

So, what's a pregnant infertile blogger to do?

Elphaba has come up with an answer for us, a blogroll of other Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility and Loss bloggers, so we can all connect with each other and be in limbo together.

If you want to sign up and join, do it here.

And if at any time you want to check out the blogroll and find other preggo (or parent) infertiles just click my button on the right!

Update:  Apparently my button over there on the right does not work right now...I'm working on it and much to my chagrin IT'S NOT COOPERATING.  Hopefully in the very near future clicking on the button will work!!!

Goodbye Vitex

Many of you have probably heard of Vitex.

In the world of infertility it is not an unknown herb.

For those of you unawares, it is an herb that helps regulate hormonal functions, specifically progesterone and estrogen.

I've been taking Vitex on and off for years now.  When we began this journey and I discovered I wasn't ovulating it was one of the first homeopathic remedies I tried in an effort to try to regulate my hormones naturally.  Unfortunately it takes months to build up in your system and work properly and when you get into this TTC business an unknown number of months is usually longer than you're willing to dedicate to any one treatment just to SEE if it will work.

Ultimately the Vitex did not work for me, at least not in any measurable capacity, i.e. it did not help me ovulate.   So, when we made the leap to Clomid, the Vitex got left by the wayside as you're not allowed to take the two together.

Throughout the first pregnancy Vitex never entered my mind.  I was pregnant what did I need any of my TTC herbs for?  Western medicine had won the day!

But almost immediately after the miscarriage I did a complete 180 and started popping Vitex again in hopes of regulating my hormones and get my period sooner rather than later.  I got back on the homeopathic bandwagon, herbs and acupuncture all the way.

And wouldn't you know it?  Just 8 weeks later I actually ovulated.

I can't say with any certainty that the Vitex helped me ovulate because more than likely it was just the pregnancy/miscarriage...or the acupuncture...or who the hell knows?!

BUT because I was on Vitex for the last few months leading up to the 2nd pregnancy everyone, midwives, naturopaths, acupuncturists, etc. told me to keep taking it through the first trimester EVEN THOUGH it is normally not recommended during pregnancy.  

In fact it says right on it DO NOT TAKE WHILE PREGNANT.

So, I took everyone's advice after doing a little bit of my own research and continued taking the Vitex through the first trimester.

And 2 days ago I finished my bottle, the first trimester is over and I'M OFF THE VITEX.

It's kind of exhilarating and liberating, one less pill to take everyday, one more milestone, all sorts of awesome.

Anyone else try Vitex?  Anyone else have promising results from it?

Thank You

To everyone who commented on Friday's Anonymous Bitch post...

THANK YOU!

That turned out to be my most commented post EVER and I thank you all for lending your opinions on what makes an "infertile" and why you do or do NOT consider yourselves infertile.

Also thank you for all being NICE because I think that's the point.  We all don't need to agree but there's no point in being mean.  

I think Ess said it best with: 

"Blogs about infertility, fertility challenges, or the TTC path don't have room for jealousy or negativity. The goal is support, advice, and friendship in my opinion."

For clarification purposes I was not actually angry or offended by AB I was annoyed that she had the audacity to call me insensitive and then not leave her name.  I would have LOVED if she would have commented again and told us her story and what makes an infertile in her opinion (and why I don't qualify).  I'm truly interested.  Surely there's one of us that has a story similar to her own that she can relate to and maybe she could have found some support!

I want to thank AB again because her comment made for a great post and I hope she comes back and reads all the fuss I've made out of her single comment.

I learned a few interesting things from all of you:

1) Most of you started to believe there was a problem somewhere around the 6 month mark, whether or not you were medically diagnosed or did anything about it is beside the point, it seems to be 6 months when most of you had a "feeling" that something wasn't right.

2) Not all of you consider yourselves infertile regardless of the medical criteria!  This was super interesting to me because a few of you have been trying for well over a year with no pregnancy but because you ovulate or have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" ie. there's no medical reason for your lack of pregnancy, you don't consider yourselves infertile.

3) Infertile is not just a medical diagnosis, it's a state of mind.  You can't just tell someone they are infertile and expect them to accept it, they have to come to terms with it themselves before they can really call themselves infertile and some people choose not to, again regardless of what the medical community thinks.

P.S. I almost threw up this morning cooking breakfast.  Can MS randomly show up at 2 days shy of 11 weeks?

Anonymous Bitch

I'm dedicating a whole post to this because:

a) this is my first anonymous bitchy comment...I feel like my blog is a "big girl" now, like she's all grown up and big enough to be getting bitchy comments =)

and

b) bitchy anonymous commenter actually brought up an interesting topic to blog about!  Thanks Bitchy Anonymous Commenter!

So, here is her comment:

FFS, you are a "fertile." You've been pregnant twice, and although miscarriage is sad it's very common. I understand that you may have identified yourself as infertile prior to becoming pregnant on an unmedicated cycle, but your continued use of the term "infertile" to describe yourself is insensitive to women who have never been pregnant despite numerous invasive procedures. 

Here's my thoughts.

First, HAHAHAHAHAHA, me, fertile?  Are you fucking kidding me?  If you remove the 18 months prior to this second pregnancy, then SURE, I'm fertile.  Can we do that?  Just remove the part of our TTC journeys that don't produce desirable results?  GROOVY, I'm in.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I consider myself infertile.  Even if I can manage a successful pregnancy at some point, infertility is still a part of me.  And btw, I'm only at 10 weeks of this pregnancy, I'm so glad AB (that's anonymous bitch) is so confident in my ability to bring this pregnancy to term!  You can't erase the journey that has brought me here, you can't lift the veil of infertility so easily.

If you wanna get technical...and medical, infertility is defined by the inability to conceive after one year of trying.  Even if we take out everything since the miscarriage it was more than a year before I got pregnant the first time...and only with the help of my good friend Clomid.

But the inability to conceive is not the all-inclusive definition of infertility, it includes women who have conceived successfully but cannot bring a child to term.  Are you really gonna tell a woman who has had 8 miscarriages that just because she can get pregnant without medical assistance that she isn't infertile?  Are you going to tell someone who has had failed IVF and then suddenly ended up pregnant without medical assistance that she isn't infertile?  Is IVF somehow the end all, be all of infertility?  Only invasive medical procedures make you infertile?

I have an anovulatory disorder, DIAGNOSED, that makes it damn near impossible for me to ovulate, I have ovulated 3 times in 18 months, twice with medical assistance, once a total fluke.  ONCE on my own since coming of birth control more than 2 years ago.  I'm pretty sure I just stated 2 facts that in fact make me infertile regardless of how many times I have been pregnant and how I ended up pregnant. 

1. It has been 18 months since we started trying to have a baby and I am still childless.

2. Ahem, I don't ovulate.

The crazy lucky conception that happened the one time I ovulated on my own, is exactly that, CRAZY FUCKING LUCKY.

Now, regarding AB's comments about miscarriage.  I've never said my miscarriage makes me infertile.  It actually has very very little to do with the infertility.  It is an extra pile of shit that was thrown at me AFTER dealing with infertility for a year.

But the miscarriage is also what finally brought me to my knees in my journey.  It was my breaking point, where I finally broke down, really came out on my blog as infertile and sought help and support from all of you wonderful ladies.  I'd been dealing with anovulation, 105 day cycles, naturopaths, acupuncturists, Clomid and trigger shots all without saying much here, but it was the miscarriage that took my infertility to a new level of hell.

So, everyone give me your thoughts?

At what point in your journey did you become "infertile"?  Not necessarily medically diagnosed, but when you finally gave in and accepted that baby making wasn't going to be easy and that you may in fact have a problem and started to relate to the "infertiles" more than the "fertiles"?

My point came when I finally broke down and made that first RE appt, fully aware that they were going to prescribe me Clomid and I was taking my first step down the unknown road of infertility treatments.

And all of you others who are pregnant after infertility right alongside me, with or without medical assistance, do you still consider yourself infertile?  

And to anyone who's had a baby after infertility, do you still consider yourself infertile?

And just in case anyone else thinks AB has a point, does anyone consider me insensitive for continuing to use the term infertile to describe myself?

A Different Kind of Infertile

As we all know there are MANY different kinds of infertiles.  Each and every one of us has our own unique problems and reasons as to why we either cannot get pregnant or cannot carry a child to term.  Our individual journeys lead us down very different paths but we all share the same goal.

Mrs. Green Grass wrote today about how she picks which kind of infertility blogger she will follow, finding those with stories and journeys most similar to her own.  I think we all do this no?  I am always looking for others who have had at least one miscarriage and who's conception problems lie with an anovulatory disorder.

But lately I feel a little bit alone in where my journey has led me.  There seem to be few out there who are pregnant 8 weeks post-miscarriage and it's sort of an odd, lonely place to be where it feels like someone hit the repeat button on my life.  I am a different kind of infertile now.

I spent a year being the kind of infertile that doesn't ovulate and thus can't get pregnant on her own.

It was a shitty shitty year.

I can get pregnant now, I've managed twice in 5 months.

But I am still infertile.

This journey will always be with me, regardless of what the outcome may be.

Still infertile...just a different kind of infertile.  And it's a whole different kind of scary.

I am no longer scared of never being able to conceive again, which after the miscarriage was what tore me apart.  I felt like that was our ONE chance to have a baby and that once it was over, that was it, no baby for us.

My fears now lie solely with RPL (that's Recurrent Pregnancy Loss for those folks who are not versed in infertility speak).  Early in this pregnancy I prayed that if it all had to end that it would end early this time.  Somewhere before hitting 6 weeks and you can hardly even wrap your brain around that positive pee stick.

I've said that I've made peace with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy may be, and it's true, I have.  I have confidence that if we lose this one we will have another chance.  Does that make thoughts of miscarriage less scary?  No, but it makes them manageable.

So, where am I now?  I still do not ovulate...or do I???  And I still do not have a child and I am still only in the first i.e. scary! trimester of pregnancy.  But I've been pregnant twice in really quick succession and it's really hard to wrap my brain around the changes.

Oddly I still relate MOST to those who do not ovulate and those who have had a very recent miscarriage, regardless of the reasons for their infertility.  And yet NEITHER of these things really relate to where I am currently at in my journey.

And while yes, just like all the other pregnant after infertility bloggers out there, I do hope to turn this into a pregnancy blog...eventually, for now it has to remain a Paranoid About RPL blog.

I hope you are all good with that because you're not going to be getting weekly bump pics, nursery designs or gender discussions from this girl anytime soon!

Are there others of you out there?  Are there others who are hesitant to accept their pregnancies and wouldn't dream of buying any baby related items for months still???

And btw I am 9 weeks 2 days and I have less than a week for that damn ultrasound.

Bring Home Baby #1 Take 2

Yep, I'm pregnant again.

2nd cycle post miscarriage.  I ovulated on my own.  We had sex just once in my "fertile window" with no knowledge that it was in fact my "fertile window" until days later when 3 high temps confirmed ovulation had in fact happened.

No Clomid.  No Dr.'s appts.  Nothing.

I almost called my RE twice in the 2WW because I was SO SURE that I wasn't pregnant.  Once to call and ask for CD3 blood tests because I haven't had those done in a year and wanted to see if everything was the same and once because I had a fleeting moment of Why Aren't We Doing Clomid This Cycle? And almost called him to give me a Clomid prescription because I knew my period was coming on Friday and I wanted to pick the prescription up on Friday so I could start taking the pills on Monday, CD3.

I WAS THAT SURE.

Remember the Indian food?
and the depression?
and the general feeling of weepiness?

Yeah, not post ovulation symptoms...early pregnancy symptoms.

Sometimes called it.  After each of those posts she threw out the Maybe You're Pregnant! comments.  I so thought she was wrong, but turns out I was wrong and she was right.

So this is what making babies is supposed to be like?!

Carefree and thought-free and obsession free?

I even waited until 2 days past when my period was due before I peed on stick.

Convinced I had just set myself up for a very very bad day.

And instead I got double pink lines.

I didn't know what to do with myself.  Kept trying to think WHAT DO NORMAL PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY'RE PREGNANT?

I had so many tests and ultrasounds done last time in those first few weeks because they MAKE YOU take a HPT 2 weeks after you ovulate and then they MAKE YOU do 2 blood tests and then they MAKE YOU have an ultrasound at 6 weeks and 8 weeks.

But there was no one to make me do anything this time.

So I've opted out of all of that and am waiting until 10 weeks for my first ultrasound.  You know, just like the FERTILES do it!

I saw my baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks 3 days last time and it still died, no amount of early scans are going to ease my mind until AFTER that fateful moment between the 8th and 9th week.

Jan. 19 here we come.

As we start over anew my heart goes out to Unaffected as she attempts to deal with the news she received yesterday, her 9 week ultrasound showed a baby with no heartbeat. Too many memories in the too recent past, but I wish her and her family well as they grieve and heal over the next few months.

Anonymous

Hi guys!

I'm back.

I've kept up with all of your blogs for the most part.  Skimming over bad news and lingering on good news and not really commenting at all.

I've been lurking.

Sorry!

I promise to get back on the commenting wagon as soon as the madness of having a visitor and family time dies down.  MIL leaves today and tomorrow is NYE and thus 2011 will FINALLY be over and the holiday madness will come to an end.

But I wanted to post today about anonymity.

Many of you have recently written about being anonymous and how you don't feel comfortable coming out of the infertility closet to those close to you and I just wanted to throw out the exact opposite opinion.

I am not anonymous.  I have pictures all over this blog of both myself and my husband.  I use my real name and I use my real location.

Every member of my family knows about our infertility woes and about the devastation of the miscarriage.  Anyone who is anyone in our friendship circles also knows all the details.

And I wouldn't have it any other way AT THIS POINT.

I did not start blogging about infertility or really sharing our story with friends until AFTER I was pregnant the first time.  I was like I BEAT INFERTILITY AND NOW I'M GOING TO SHARE MY STORY!  Except of course that didn't last very long and I got thrown right back into the world of infertility AND I AM SO HAPPY THAT I SHARED both on my blog and in real life.

The miscarriage would have brought me to my knees if I had had to deal with it by myself.  People came out of the woodwork to tell me their miscarriage stories, again both in bloggerland and in real life, AND I COULD NOT BE MORE GRATEFUL.  

To refresh everyone's memory I posted on Facebook at exactly 12 weeks that we were expecting our first child and the very next day the bleeding began and the miscarriage followed soon after.  We then had to write a very sad "we lost the baby" post.  I was slightly embarrassed at first because WE HAD JUST POSTED THE ANNOUNCEMENT, but as the emails and texts poured in the embarrassment was lost in the undying gratitude for the people that reached out to me.

And in turn others now know that they can look to me as a source of comfort should they find themselves in a similar situation.  When my friend lost her baby at 20 weeks, her and I had one of the most heartfelt, sad, tear-filled conversations of my life, but it was because of our shared loss and having someone who has experienced the same thing to share the pain with...and their was something beautiful about it even though it was dreadfully sad.

Many of you in your daily lives have to deal with people inquiring about your future plans for children and obnoxious pregnant women whining about their swollen feet because you don't like to share your infertility woes.  I feel for you and I can tell you this:  No one ever asks me if I'm going to have children and no pregnant woman who knows me would dare whine in my presence, if either were to happen their going to get a story about 18 months and 1 miscarriage and no baby...it shuts them right up.

I feel I give a face to miscarriage and infertility, it can happen to anyone...and it does.  I refuse to shy away from either topic or be embarrassed by either, if someone wants to talk about it, I'll talk about it.  I can't promise I won't cry while I talk about it, but I'll talk about it.

I respect everyone's decision to either remain anonymous or come out of the closet, I just wanted to share my thoughts on the other side of anonymous.

Hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A Short Blogging Break

I have to take a little blogging break guys.

My reasons are twofold.

One:  My MIL arrives tomorrow.

She will be here with us for 2 weeks and I feel like I'm supposed to entertain her rather than sit on my computer blogging about my feelings.

It is my mission in life for the next 2 weeks to be a good hostess.

I know...I dream big.

Reason Two:  I have a few things I need to sort out in my head that keep getting confused when I sit down to blog and when I read other infertility blogs.

Sometimes I can feel myself being in a really positive place, I can imagine a future healthy pregnancy and a life with children and everything is looking up.  Then I start reading infertility blogs and suddenly I'm in a much darker place, that place where thoughts of recurrent miscarriage overwhelm anything positive that I was feeling and worry and despair take over.

I love reading everyone's blog and I appreciate that you read mine in return, but I need a little break, a break from all the heartache that as a community we've been dealt too much of.

So, MIL is in town and I am stepping away from the world of infertility for 2 weeks.

I hope to have found the peace I'm looking for (yes, peace only takes 2 weeks to find) and I will come back in the New Year ready to face my infertility as well as all of yours with some positivity rather than the despair I am feeling lately.

Here's hoping I come back to tons of BFP's from you all and as few stories of miscarriages, stillborns and BFN's as possible.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Giving Back

I would like to do something nice this Christmas.

It has been a shittastic year to say the least but as they say, time heals all.

The pain from the miscarriage and death of my grandmother have lessened with each passing day, and while I will miss them both for as long as I live it's nice not to have that dreadful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes along with SO. MUCH. GRIEF.

I know that even though we've been dealt a lot of crap this year there are still others that are so much less fortunate and I need to get my perspective back about what is actually important during this holiday season.

We have a roof over our heads, we are financially stable, we have vehicles that run and we're healthy...aside from the whole infertility thing.  This is NOT the time to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves because there's others out there that have it SO MUCH WORSE.

It's time to do a little giving to others.

So, I'm asking all of you, what is your favorite charity to give money to or favorite way to give back during the Holiday season?

Life in Bullet Points

I've just got bullet points today.

• Michelle Duggar, pregnant with her 20th child, lost her baby in her 2nd trimester.  I hope everyone who was begrudging the Duggars their fertility will now realize that no matter the size of your family...miscarriage is hard.  I am sad for them, even if they have 19 kids already.

• My soul is no longer being sucked away by sadness, proof that it was in fact period induced...or at least I'm still assuming but...

• My luteal phase is 15 days long which means my 2WW is actually 16 days rather than 14 days.  AF is supposed to make her arrival today but my temp is still up and she is so far a no show.  This is all based off the ONE normal cycle I have had in the 18 months that I have been living in this hell...and even that was Clomid induced, so for all I know I am way off and AF isn't due for another 2 days...or something.

• If by some miracle I am in fact pregnant I can't announce it on here guys because unlike many of you I am not anonymous and I need to tell close friends and family before bloggerland.  This goes for ALL future cycles, I am trying to wean myself away from talking about my cycles now but it's all I can think about today because...

• I have made it 16 days without peeing on anything, but today day 16 is really testing my resolve.

• I am extremely thankful lately that with 2 sisters and 2 sisters-in-law that nary a one is pregnant right now.  Nor do any of them have plans to be in the near future.  I don't know how you ladies with pregnant sisters handle it.

• I am also extremely thankful that none of my close friends are pregnant.  Again, how you ladies handle this in your day to day lives is beyond me.

• I am seriously contemplating getting myself a job...or going back to school.  If I go back to work I have NO IDEA what industry I would be looking into.  In NYC I was working in production, but I don't think that is a career I will pursue here in San Francisco.  If I go back to school I'm running into a little conundrum in that my fields I wish to pursue, Forensic Anthropology or Paleoanthropology are quite specialized and thus not offered just anywhere and it seems SF schools are not big on the anthro.  My preliminary research leads me to Chico being the closest school with a program that would suit my needs and Chico is 3 hours away.  Nothing is ever easy is it?

• This post is all just an effort to kill some time while I continue to NOT PEE on anything for fear of the dreaded single pink line...and the real reason is that I fear the double pink line as well. I fear another pregnancy that ends in miscarriage more than I have ever feared anything...ever. Please AF show up today!