Monday, December 5, 2011

Soul Sucking Sadness

I am about to get my period again.  I can feel it.

I have such ridiculously messed up cycles these days hormone free that I forgot what my "normal", ie BCP periods were like. 

A few days before AF comes to town I get overwhelmed with sadness.

And today, today I feel it.

But there's something new to add to the period induced sadness this time.  It's the very real sadness that I am without a doubt not pregnant this once in a lifetime natural ovulation cycle.

It's like the sun has been blotted out.

It's a bone-crushing, soul-sucking sadness that I wasn't expecting.

I stayed off the crazy train, I didn't overanalyze symptoms, I've peed on nothing and I told myself I wasn't expecting a pregnancy this cycle, that it was just good to ovulate on my own.

But a little thread of hope found it's way in and I did, I hoped.  I hoped this would be it.  That since I magically ovulated on my own that I could magically get pregnant on my own and that I could get the fuck off of this infertility rollercoaster that I have found myself on.

Unfortunately I am unlikely to be able to ovulate again on my own.  The pregnancy gave the ovaries a chance to de-cyst for a bit but I am expecting they will soon be covered in cysts and clogging up any chance of a natural ovulation again.  I can't help but feel that was our only chance at a natural pregnancy without any medical help.

Unbelievably today seems to be pregnancy announcement day in infertility bloggerland as well.  And though I know it's not true and that many of you are still down here in the trenches with me, today it really and truly feels likes everyone is pregnant...but me.


  1. You're not alone, hon. There are a few of us who are still in the trenches with you and who understand the soul sucking sadness.


  2. Today I am sharing your sadness, infertility just plain sucks.

  3. It always feels like that, like everyone else is pregnant. But you are not alone.

    I also don't really know what a non-BC period is like. I've had a few in the last few months but none of them have been consistent enough for me to even come up with a way to predict them. Bleh. On one hand I hope this sadness is a part of that and that means it will pass, on the other hand I am sad that would mean BFN again this month :(

  4. Do you KnOw you're not pregnant? When I was pregnant in July, I felt like I was getting my period. For 2 days. Didn't POAS b/c I thought I had period symptoms. In fact, I was pregnant! Here's to hoping you're prego. xoxoxo

  5. Still in the trenches with you hun- wish we were all out of it together. I'm so sorry, its such a horrible disappointment- loosing the possibility of natural pregnancies. :(

  6. I'm sorry you're feeling down - I'm deep in the trenches with you, girl. Hang in there, things will get better (or this is what I tell myself!)

  7. Hi. It's me, Mags. *waving* Down here in the trenches with ya. Man, it's dark down here and it stinks!! The trenches suck.

  8. I'm so sorry, Jesica. That must be incredibly devastating. I understand feeling like you're the only one not pregnant...I feel that nearly daily. It's totally soul-sucking.

  9. You aren't the only one. But yep, it feels like every freaking day someone else in bloggerland is pregnant. Sigh... *HUGS*

  10. Isn't it annoying how the soul sucking sadness sneaks up on you when you're trying to be really rational? I'm sorry. And I'm still in the trenches too.

  11. We're here with ya, all soul sucked too :( xoxo

  12. Im sorry you are feeling like this. Giving you lots of hugs!! xxx

    Oh ive given you a little award on my blog! :)