Monday, August 18, 2014

Back on the Rollercoaster

I've written no less than 7 drafts of blog posts describing the circumstances of my current cycle and before I can hit PUBLISH something changes.

One minute I'm convinced I'm done ovulating, like completely done, like the oves are too covered in cysts and it's over I can't ovulate on my own anymore and I'll need Clomid to continue.

The next minute I get a fucking smiley face on an opk and it's like OMG it may be CD37 but I'm going to ovulate!

Now we're back to...nevermind, not ovulating.  And considering Clomid again.

Really...I have no idea what's going on with my body.

My guess is that it's trying, it's really really trying to ovulate.  I get the smiley, I have EWCM but then it just can't quite finish it off and pop an egg out.  So it starts over.  And I have nothing for a few days, then another smiley, some more EWCM...and then nothing again.

It seems as though 3 was my magic number.

I had 3 chances to get pregnant on my own.  Just 3.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I can't tell you how pissed I am about that chemical pregnancy on the 2nd cycle.  I KNEW if I was gonna get pregnant it had to be right after I started ovulating and that I wouldn't have much time...fucking miscarriage.

That would have been too perfect.  Get pregnant my 2nd cycle and then not have to worry about ovulating anymore.  Too perfect.

It's CD40 and I'll all tapped out.  I pretty much just want this cycle to end already.  I want off the rollercoaster.

Even if I've been ovulating, these endlessly long cycles are killing me.  At this point I'm going to take the Clomid just to ovulate at a normal time, you know like somewhere in the teens, NOT on CD38 or 39 or never.

So...I guess it's back to Clomid.  Past experience says that when I'm done ovulating I'm done ovulating.  I don't ovulate one month and not ovulate the next and then start ovulating again.  Once it's done, it's done.

It's been 6 months, I ovulated 3 times, now I'm done. 

Bring on the drugs. 

Unfortunately with drugs means I need to make a decision.  Wean or keep nursing while taking Clomid.

I've made an appt with my Dr. on Wednesday and I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of taking Clomid while I'm still nursing.  We're down to just twice a day so I'm hopeful that it's possible.  I've done some research and it looks like the only effect Clomid has on lactation is that it may lower my supply, which...wouldn't be the end of the world.  I've always wanted nursing to end because my milk dried up for one reason or another be it time away from him, another pregnancy or Clomid apparently.  I just never wanted to end the relationship by one day telling him he couldn't have it anymore.  Milk gone?  Totally different story.

Anyone know of anyone who's taken Clomid while nursing???

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

He's 2.

Well it happened....he turned 2.

And I'm kind of still in shock.

Do I really have a 2 year old???

That first year dragged on and on, but the second year?  Gone in the blink of an eye.

Every day I'm amazed at what he can do and what he can say and just how much of a PERSON he is even though he's only 2.

I mean...we have entire conversations him and I.

Somewhere around 20 months he really started talking and every day he has a new word.  He repeats almost anything and is getting better and better at getting his point across.

His vocabulary is huge but he still has a tendency to use one-word sentences.  Saying two words separately rather than together to say what he's trying to say.

"Shoes.....outside"  Rather than "shoes outside".

He's working on his colors and will randomly say something is blue, because he thinks everything is blue, and when you tell him the correct color he will repeat it and then start saying everything is the new color.  A work in progress.

He's also REALLY working on jumping.  Almost any chance he gets he starts hopping around, trying to get both feet of the ground at the same time.  Who knew jumping took such practice!  One day soon both feet are just going to come flying off the ground and it's going to shock the hell out of him!

He basically runs everywhere.  If you get him in a store he spends the whole time RUNNING up and down the aisles...good times for mama.  I call him Forrest, as in RUN FORREST RUN!

He loves anything with wheels.  Cars, trucks, 4-wheelers, trailers, motorcycles, bikes, all are equally awesome as far as he's concerned. 


We bought him his own battery powered 4-wheeler for his birthday and he's been riding it around the property everyday.  Here it is towing his new bike.  Things. With. Wheels.

Same goes for tools.  Tools are amazing.

He's such a BOY I can hardly stand it. My parents, who had all girls, are constantly amazed at just how different little boys are from little girls.

As with all toddlers and kids in general, he's a little sponge, just absorbing everything around him.  I was floored the other night when he stopped nursing to point out not just Thomas in his book but Percy, Gordon and James as well, saying each name as he pointed to them...I had no idea he knew all the trains and their names!

He's finally started eating better.  I've fallen into a terrible habit of letting him watch TV while he eats but it actually works to keep him SITTING STILL long enough to finish a meal.  If you stick him at the table he eats just enough to not be starving and then makes a big fuss about getting down.  I've decided he's still young enough to get away with this behavior...I'm not sure at what age I will enforce the eating at the table or we're not eating rule...but it's not now.  Especially when it's just me and him while my husband is traveling, I kinda like sitting in front of the TV and watching Caillou with him while we eat our dinner.

He's still nursing 3 times a day, but we're definitely heading toward cutting out our pre-nap nurse.  And even the morning nurse has been shortened most days as he's too excited to play with toys to nurse.  Night time he still wants LOTS of milk before bed.  Baby steps to weaning, baby steps to weaning.  We'll get there some day.

Basically, he's awesome...and I really hope this isn't it and that I am able to have another one.