No Choice

One of the big things that I've struggled with through these 18 months of trying for Baby #1 is that we have lost the ability to choose what kind of family we have.

All the dreams we had when we were younger about starting a family at this age and having this many children have all been thrown out the window.  I never imagined I would 30 and childless.  Even getting married at 28 I assumed I'd have babies by 30.

For the large majority of couples, they sit down, have a little chat about when they'll start trying, then throw out the birth control when that time comes and poof! a few months later they're pregnant and everything works out just as they imagined.

And then, because fertiles are amazing, they get to do it again for Baby #2, sit down, have a chat about how much space they want between the siblings, pregnant again and so on.

The choice about when we'll have a family and how big our family will be is no longer ours to make.

It is entirely in the hands of the Universe (or God if you're religious, as an agnostic what you call God I call the Universe).  Whether I have three biological children or whether I have one biological child and 2 adopted children, or whether I have no biological children and millions of adopted kids.  It is no longer up to me.

And that's a hard reality to accept.

Even if we manage Baby #1, what about Baby #2?  Do we have to start this whole thing ALL OVER again?  And do I have the strength for that?

If we get one and have trouble again with #2 will I be able to accept having an only child?  That is never how I imagined my life.  I have always imagined several children.  

But life is all about adapting and changing.

And sometimes that means changing our dreams for the future.

So, here's to you Universe, I relinquish control.  Do with me what you will. 

Life in Bullet Points

I've just got bullet points today.

• Michelle Duggar, pregnant with her 20th child, lost her baby in her 2nd trimester.  I hope everyone who was begrudging the Duggars their fertility will now realize that no matter the size of your family...miscarriage is hard.  I am sad for them, even if they have 19 kids already.

• My soul is no longer being sucked away by sadness, proof that it was in fact period induced...or at least I'm still assuming but...

• My luteal phase is 15 days long which means my 2WW is actually 16 days rather than 14 days.  AF is supposed to make her arrival today but my temp is still up and she is so far a no show.  This is all based off the ONE normal cycle I have had in the 18 months that I have been living in this hell...and even that was Clomid induced, so for all I know I am way off and AF isn't due for another 2 days...or something.

• If by some miracle I am in fact pregnant I can't announce it on here guys because unlike many of you I am not anonymous and I need to tell close friends and family before bloggerland.  This goes for ALL future cycles, I am trying to wean myself away from talking about my cycles now but it's all I can think about today because...

• I have made it 16 days without peeing on anything, but today day 16 is really testing my resolve.

• I am extremely thankful lately that with 2 sisters and 2 sisters-in-law that nary a one is pregnant right now.  Nor do any of them have plans to be in the near future.  I don't know how you ladies with pregnant sisters handle it.

• I am also extremely thankful that none of my close friends are pregnant.  Again, how you ladies handle this in your day to day lives is beyond me.

• I am seriously contemplating getting myself a job...or going back to school.  If I go back to work I have NO IDEA what industry I would be looking into.  In NYC I was working in production, but I don't think that is a career I will pursue here in San Francisco.  If I go back to school I'm running into a little conundrum in that my fields I wish to pursue, Forensic Anthropology or Paleoanthropology are quite specialized and thus not offered just anywhere and it seems SF schools are not big on the anthro.  My preliminary research leads me to Chico being the closest school with a program that would suit my needs and Chico is 3 hours away.  Nothing is ever easy is it?

• This post is all just an effort to kill some time while I continue to NOT PEE on anything for fear of the dreaded single pink line...and the real reason is that I fear the double pink line as well. I fear another pregnancy that ends in miscarriage more than I have ever feared anything...ever. Please AF show up today!

Thoughts on San Francisco

I have promised to give this city (and this house) one year of my life before I make a decision about moving. But right now, I'm not loving it here.

I don't understand why people love San Francisco.

I have yet to encounter a person anywhere in the world who had anything negative to say about San Francisco.

But personally, I'm finding little to make me fall in love with this city.

Even though technically it's a big city, it doesn't feel like it. Perhaps that's the appeal to many, big city conveniences without the big city feel. It is not however, appealing to me. Go big or go home.

It is very much like Portland in this respect.

I love Portland. But I chose to live elsewhere, if I wanted to live somewhere like Portland, I would just live in Portland. Then I would be that much closer to my family, ie. free babysitters ;-)

And the weather f***ing sucks. This is why we're giving it a year so that I can see all of the "seasons", but so far summer is getting a big huge thumbs down from me.

And the house, well, the house is another matter.

My husband bought this house 7 or 8 years ago, long before he met me and while I like the house there are several things about the house that I and the hubs want to change. And the more the changes add up the more we're considering that maybe a move to a different house and a different area might be a smarter option. We're seriously at the point where we're considering almost a full remodel, if there's almost nothing in the house that we'd keep, why stay?

And the area, well, the area is nice, it's a great part of San Francisco, but...

San Francisco has a weird school system where the whole thing is a lottery and you have very little choice about what school your kid ends up in, but here's the kicker, THERE ARE NO SCHOOL DISTRICTS. I think in most areas of the world your school is determined by the area of town you live in and you go to the school for whatever area you are in. Choosing homes near good school districts is a very common way to purchase a house. Here you throw your name in the mix and your kid may very well end up at the worst school in the city an hour away from home.

It's weird.

And we're right next door to a school, SCHOOL KIDS ARE NOISY.

And I'm paranoid that my cats are going to get run over.

And all the houses are SO close to each other. You can hear neighbors argue if they have the windows open. And you just know they're watching your every move. Neighbors are nosy.

I'm seriously considering moving to the 'burbs just to get some better weather and to not be so close to my neighbors.

BUT just so everyone doesn't think I'm not giving San Francisco a fair shot here are some things I'm really enjoying about the city:

The recycling system - It's AMAZING! I know this makes me sound like a total dork that the first thing I like is the recycling system, but SERIOUSLY! Why has the rest of the US (and the world) not started recycling/composting/reusing EVERYTHING like this?

The fact that it IS a big city with big city conveniences (even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes) - I was DYING in Springfield, I am just happy to be back amongst the Crate and Barrels, Williams Sonomas, The Container Stores, Bloomingdales, Sur La Tables and every other favorite store of mine that I've been missing over the last year.

Big City Crowds - I know it's ridiculous but I missed fighting my way through crowds on the sidewalk, angry honking, and people that are in a hurry everywhere. YES I am a big city girl at heart.

Being close enough to Oregon to drive - It's an 8.5 hour drive yes, but it's a drive and it's doable in a day. That's a far cry from being 7500 miles away in Sydney or even 3000 miles away in NYC.

Farmer's Markets - San Francisco kicks ass on the organic front. They have a Farmer's Market in a different part of town every day of the week. If you wanted fresh organic produce everyday, it's not a problem and it's not expensive like shopping at Whole Foods.

Midwives and Homebirthing - I could not ask for more choice or more options when it comes to a home birth. I was completely overwhelmed both by my choice of midwives as well as my choice of midwifery centers in hospitals. Not only do I have awesome midwives to attend my birth at home I also have an amazing back up midwife at the hospital should anything go wrong. I could not ask for more support than this city has offered when it comes to bringing my baby into the world. AMAZING.

So, other San Franciscans, please share, what do you love about this city? What am I missing?

True Life: I'm a General Life Blogger

I'm linking up with Fabulous but Evil and Mrs. Monologues today for the premiere of the

True Life: I'm a ______ Blogger.

I consider myself a General Life Blogger.

I started this blog just over a year ago when my husband and I moved to Sydney, Australia.

I blogged about life as an expat living in a foreign country.

My blog was very much a travel blog at that point as we spent much of our time traveling around Australia.

Since returning from Australia in January I've managed to stay put for an entire 8 months and blog about my life here in San Francisco, whether that be decorating our new house or weekends away at Napa, or the latest book I'm reading.

Soon I hope to be blogging about pregnancy and babies and boobs.

Either way my blog grows and changes along with me as I blog about my life.

Things to know about me:

I turn 30 in 1 week, and I'm none too thrilled about it.

My husband travels too much for work.

I used to work in Production in NYC.

I'm a Stay-at-Home Wife now.

San Francisco is a new city for me, I know NO ONE here.

I miss NYC and consider it "home" when I say I'm homesick.

I'm actually from Oregon.

I'm a middle child.

I'm a Leo.

Everyone else Link Up, fun way to get some new followers!

1 Week

We're 1 week in and I'm feeling:

Overwhelmed

Exhausted

Stressed

Happy

and Hopeful

All at the same time.

Let's face it, moving is always exhausting, there's no getting around it.

The overwhelming part comes from the fact that this stuff has been in storage for a year...or longer.

And the fact that we're missing key pieces of furniture, such as a couch, but have way too many other pieces of furniture, such as 4 media cabinets. In NYC they were not all used as media cabinets, one was for the TV essentials, one was for the computer/printer, one was for an entryway storage unit and the other was in the spare bedroom just holding extra clothes and sheets and what have you.

But still...what the hell are we going to do with 4 media cabinets?! And goddamnit why don't we have a couch?

Not that I don't know the answer...we purged all of our furniture that wasn't worth storing, the futon was one piece not worth storing....but here we are with this big house and no couch!

And we're striving to not purchase anything new until we really know what we have, but obviously we need a couch!

The happy and hopeful come from the fact that we're finally done moving.

Australia was totally worth it and I recommend such an experience to anyone who is ever presented with the opportunity, but holy hell I'm glad it's done.

I'm happy to be settling down and hopeful that this is going to be where we start our official life together =)