Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Imagination at Work

Enough of this infertility bullshit let's talk about the child I DO have not the ones I don't!

It's time for a little Jett update for posterity sake.
I think 2 is the most glorious age.

I love Jett being 2.

He's very much a KID not a baby now and in so many ways is very self-sufficient and I'm absolutely loving it.

The latest and greatest thing is PRETENDING.

Guys, I didn't even realize that little ones didn't have the capacity for pretend play, it never occurred to me that Jett didn't understand pretending and that it came with age.

But then one day, out of the blue, suddenly his fort has become a pirate ship and we're sailing around the stinky water so we can catch butterflies and search for buried treasure.


But it's the cutest thing.  I love the pretending.

We also pretend bake, we make lots of taco soup and cake.

And we dig for lots of buried treasure in the backyard.

Jett may be in love with all things pirate right now.  It's hysterical.

His language has also really developed.  Just after 2, maybe 25 months? he really started talking in full sentences.  We're now up to 5-6 word sentences and he adds connecting words like and and or and knows his he's and she's and mine and yours etc etc.

It's MUCH easier to figure out what he wants when he can actually tell you!

He's also got his letters down.  There's a few he consistently gets wrong but the vast majority of the alphabet he knows.

Numbers, he can count to 2, sometimes 3.  But he actually knows what 1 and 2 mean.  So, he knows how many 1 vs. 2 is and will tell you if he wants one or 2 of something.

Loves all things boy with the exception of the color pink and Hello Kitty.

See?  Pink.  He needed the pink ice cream.  It was Hibiscus Sorbet.  He kept telling me it was "delicious" but his face said otherwise.  Stick to your guns about your pink ice cream decision son, stick to your guns.

Can I just bottle up this little 2 year old and keep him this age forever?

Monday, November 10, 2014

Breastfeeding - 27 Months

If you'll notice I went ahead and just titled it Breastfeeding instead of Weaning because let's be honest here, I've been "weaning" for over a year now and really I'm just continuing to breastfeed.

The emotions surrounding breastfeeding lately have been tumultuous.

Jett and I are still happy in our nursing relationship at twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, and I wish I could just leave it at that.

I have no strong desire to quit and Jett definitely doesn't seem interested in quitting.

But this Baby #2 or lack thereof to more accurate is really starting to come into play more and more and I'm feeling the pressure to wean sooner rather than later.

After a visit to the RE it was mentioned that breastfeeding could have been a possible reason for my chemical pregnancy in April and while I don't personally believe it was a factor my husband feels differently and has encouraged me to quit.

It breaks my heart that he thinks it was something I did that caused a miscarriage.  His longing for more kids is evident, especially now as Jett gets older and more fun, and I feel like shit that I can't just snap my fingers and get pregnant the way it seems so many others can.

After a bit of my own research and a Facebook discussion with several of you it seems that while women with no fertility issues can and do get pregnant while breastfeeding, when you throw known fertility issues into the mix it can be a problem.  The hormones that are needed to support lactation are in direct conflict with those needed to support early pregnancy and when you already have some hormonal imbalances, ie. PCOS, it can just make things that much more complicated.

In an effort to appease the husband he spent most of the weekend with Jett and took over during times in which Jett and I would normally be nursing.  

And the whole thing made me feel absolutely awful.

Jett was either clawing at my chest asking me for milk as tears dripped down his face at times of the day when he never requests milk or ignoring me in lieu of hanging out with daddy.

He was definitely out of sorts all weekend, frowning and pouty when he is normally happy and much more screamy and throwing tantrums, which is unusual Jett behavior.

On Sunday morning when Daddy came in to get him he started screaming uncontrollably for Mommy and at that point I gave in and we sat down for our usual morning nursing session.  

He hungrily dove for my chest like he was never going to see me I was leaving him.

It was so sad.

The whole ordeal has left me very angry.

I'm angry that I seemingly cannot breastfeed and get pregnant even though so many others can.  

I'm angry that my child just happens to be one that is fiercely determined to continue breastfeeding and will not easily let it go.

I'm angry that it's anyone's business besides Jett and mine as to how long we continue.

And I'm angry that I feel like I'm being forced to choose between continuing to nourish and comfort my one child that I do have and a theoretical child that I am not yet pregnant with.  Perhaps it is selfish of me to want both but there it is, that's what I want.

I want to continue to breastfeed until Jett or I are ready to be done.  I've given up putting a date on it as I originally thought 18 months, then 2 years and now that we're past 2 years I'll say 3, but really...I don't know.  And I don't want to put a date on it.

So there you go.  What has been a beautiful relationship up until now is becoming fraught with emotion, both good and bad. 

As though I'm not already wracked with guilt over my body's inability to ovulate normally or it's inability to get pregnant or it's inability to hold onto each pregnancy that it is blessed with.  Let's add breastfeeding into the mix, I feel guilty about that now too.

I know most of you quit breastfeeding long ago, so I'm not expecting any advice as to what to do at this point, but...fuck, you know??? 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Life Changes

We've been busy over here completely changing our lives.

No, I'm not pregnant.

I'm on my 2nd round of Clomid, 8 months and 5 ovulatory cycles postpartum...and still not pregnant.

These life changes have involved moving houses and changing jobs.

The last few months have been a whirlwind of house selling then house buying then moving...and it's just been busy.

We are still in the Bay area but took the plunge, left the city and moved to the burbs.

So now we're here in Berkeley getting adjusted and in about a month my husband is going to quit his job.

For the moment we have insurance and thus will be taking the opportunity to visit the RE and find out WHAT THE FUCK is going on and how I can go from ovulating 3 times resulting in 2 pregnancies to ovulating 5 times which only resulted in 1 pregnancy.

Clearly my problems now run deeper than just ovulating.


Anyway, it seems everyone in my life is pregnant or just popped out their 2nd child so I've been hibernating a bit.  I don't like how quickly I'm becoming bitter and angry again so I've just sort of been steering clear of all the preggos and new mamas.

Perhaps not the healthiest way to deal with things...but it is what it is.

And in other news, it's almost Halloween!!!  I'm so excited for trick or treaters I can hardly stand it!

Monday, August 18, 2014

Back on the Rollercoaster

I've written no less than 7 drafts of blog posts describing the circumstances of my current cycle and before I can hit PUBLISH something changes.

One minute I'm convinced I'm done ovulating, like completely done, like the oves are too covered in cysts and it's over I can't ovulate on my own anymore and I'll need Clomid to continue.

The next minute I get a fucking smiley face on an opk and it's like OMG it may be CD37 but I'm going to ovulate!

Now we're back to...nevermind, not ovulating.  And considering Clomid again.

Really...I have no idea what's going on with my body.

My guess is that it's trying, it's really really trying to ovulate.  I get the smiley, I have EWCM but then it just can't quite finish it off and pop an egg out.  So it starts over.  And I have nothing for a few days, then another smiley, some more EWCM...and then nothing again.

It seems as though 3 was my magic number.

I had 3 chances to get pregnant on my own.  Just 3.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I can't tell you how pissed I am about that chemical pregnancy on the 2nd cycle.  I KNEW if I was gonna get pregnant it had to be right after I started ovulating and that I wouldn't have much time...fucking miscarriage.

That would have been too perfect.  Get pregnant my 2nd cycle and then not have to worry about ovulating anymore.  Too perfect.

It's CD40 and I'll all tapped out.  I pretty much just want this cycle to end already.  I want off the rollercoaster.

Even if I've been ovulating, these endlessly long cycles are killing me.  At this point I'm going to take the Clomid just to ovulate at a normal time, you know like somewhere in the teens, NOT on CD38 or 39 or never.

So...I guess it's back to Clomid.  Past experience says that when I'm done ovulating I'm done ovulating.  I don't ovulate one month and not ovulate the next and then start ovulating again.  Once it's done, it's done.

It's been 6 months, I ovulated 3 times, now I'm done. 

Bring on the drugs. 

Unfortunately with drugs means I need to make a decision.  Wean or keep nursing while taking Clomid.

I've made an appt with my Dr. on Wednesday and I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of taking Clomid while I'm still nursing.  We're down to just twice a day so I'm hopeful that it's possible.  I've done some research and it looks like the only effect Clomid has on lactation is that it may lower my supply, which...wouldn't be the end of the world.  I've always wanted nursing to end because my milk dried up for one reason or another be it time away from him, another pregnancy or Clomid apparently.  I just never wanted to end the relationship by one day telling him he couldn't have it anymore.  Milk gone?  Totally different story.

Anyone know of anyone who's taken Clomid while nursing???

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

He's 2.

Well it happened....he turned 2.

And I'm kind of still in shock.

Do I really have a 2 year old???

That first year dragged on and on, but the second year?  Gone in the blink of an eye.

Every day I'm amazed at what he can do and what he can say and just how much of a PERSON he is even though he's only 2.

I mean...we have entire conversations him and I.

Somewhere around 20 months he really started talking and every day he has a new word.  He repeats almost anything and is getting better and better at getting his point across.

His vocabulary is huge but he still has a tendency to use one-word sentences.  Saying two words separately rather than together to say what he's trying to say.

"Shoes.....outside"  Rather than "shoes outside".

He's working on his colors and will randomly say something is blue, because he thinks everything is blue, and when you tell him the correct color he will repeat it and then start saying everything is the new color.  A work in progress.

He's also REALLY working on jumping.  Almost any chance he gets he starts hopping around, trying to get both feet of the ground at the same time.  Who knew jumping took such practice!  One day soon both feet are just going to come flying off the ground and it's going to shock the hell out of him!

He basically runs everywhere.  If you get him in a store he spends the whole time RUNNING up and down the aisles...good times for mama.  I call him Forrest, as in RUN FORREST RUN!

He loves anything with wheels.  Cars, trucks, 4-wheelers, trailers, motorcycles, bikes, all are equally awesome as far as he's concerned. 


We bought him his own battery powered 4-wheeler for his birthday and he's been riding it around the property everyday.  Here it is towing his new bike.  Things. With. Wheels.

Same goes for tools.  Tools are amazing.

He's such a BOY I can hardly stand it. My parents, who had all girls, are constantly amazed at just how different little boys are from little girls.

As with all toddlers and kids in general, he's a little sponge, just absorbing everything around him.  I was floored the other night when he stopped nursing to point out not just Thomas in his book but Percy, Gordon and James as well, saying each name as he pointed to them...I had no idea he knew all the trains and their names!

He's finally started eating better.  I've fallen into a terrible habit of letting him watch TV while he eats but it actually works to keep him SITTING STILL long enough to finish a meal.  If you stick him at the table he eats just enough to not be starving and then makes a big fuss about getting down.  I've decided he's still young enough to get away with this behavior...I'm not sure at what age I will enforce the eating at the table or we're not eating rule...but it's not now.  Especially when it's just me and him while my husband is traveling, I kinda like sitting in front of the TV and watching Caillou with him while we eat our dinner.

He's still nursing 3 times a day, but we're definitely heading toward cutting out our pre-nap nurse.  And even the morning nurse has been shortened most days as he's too excited to play with toys to nurse.  Night time he still wants LOTS of milk before bed.  Baby steps to weaning, baby steps to weaning.  We'll get there some day.

Basically, he's awesome...and I really hope this isn't it and that I am able to have another one.

Monday, July 14, 2014

I Thought This Would be Easy

I'm not gonna lie, I thought Baby #2 would be easy.

I QUITE MISTAKENLY thought that the hard part would be getting my period to start (which it was) but once that happened, I thought I would ovulate once and TADA we would be pregnant.

Really...I thought that's how it would go.

I did not think I would be sitting here 6 months after my period started, with only 3 cycles behind me, another miscarriage and still not pregnant.

What the fuck universe?  What. The. Fuck.

If you couldn't guess, I got my period again.  

40 day cycle, 12 day luteal phase.

Things are normalizing...I get it.  Hormones are regulating, ovulation is coming sooner, cycle is shortening and luteal phase is lengthening.

All that is great.

What's not great is that my body decided to wait until 19 months postpartum to start sorting it's shit out and thus giving me no time to sit back, relax and let my hormones do their thing before getting on with Baby #2.

Dear Body, if you needed some time to regulate and you weren't gonna let me make more babies during that time then couldn't you have started earlier, say 15 or 16 months after I had the baby?  No?

Because really, Jett's getting older and older and the age gap is getting wider and wider.

I realize that's a silly, petty concern but it's always been one of my huge beefs with infertility.  No choice in how old you will be when you have your baby(ies), no choice how far apart in age they will be etc etc.

I want to choose how far apart my children are in age.  And with each passing month I'm very very aware that Jett is getting closer and closer to being 3 by the time the next kiddo arrives.

As with everything surrounding the building of my family...this is not how I imagined things would be.  After such a struggle for Jett...I really really thought things would be easier this time around.

And I'm pissed that I have once again passed the 6 month mark...but onwards we march.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Still Here, Still Ovulating

I ovulated again.

I would like my medal please.

That's 3 cycles in a row!!!

And this time...CD28!

Still a disgustingly long cycle, but I will take 28 over 33.

So, I'm just over here, being all fertile and shit.

Feels kind of awesome, but also not sustainable.  Like, how many more times can I do this before the oves crap out?

As always, our timing was impeccable.  I don't know how we do it since my husband is a traveling fool, but each and every ovulation he just happens to be here.

And now we wait some more.

I feel slightly less crazy than I did the last 2 cycles.  Could be because we have guests coming tomorrow, staying for a week, which means I won't have a chance to sit around peeing on things.

Could be that the early miscarriage last cycle has made me oh so unexcited to pee on things.  Both positive and negative pee sticks are equally as scary post miscarriage...I remember that clearly from the first time around.

Could be that this cycle doesn't feel like THE ONE and I'm uninterested in getting my hopes up.

In other terrifying news, we've put our house up for sale, we're moving to the 'burbs and my husband is quitting his job.

Life is so up in the air right now.

But here we are, still here, still ovulating...and still waiting.