Monday, August 18, 2014

Back on the Rollercoaster

I've written no less than 7 drafts of blog posts describing the circumstances of my current cycle and before I can hit PUBLISH something changes.

One minute I'm convinced I'm done ovulating, like completely done, like the oves are too covered in cysts and it's over I can't ovulate on my own anymore and I'll need Clomid to continue.

The next minute I get a fucking smiley face on an opk and it's like OMG it may be CD37 but I'm going to ovulate!

Now we're back to...nevermind, not ovulating.  And considering Clomid again.

Really...I have no idea what's going on with my body.

My guess is that it's trying, it's really really trying to ovulate.  I get the smiley, I have EWCM but then it just can't quite finish it off and pop an egg out.  So it starts over.  And I have nothing for a few days, then another smiley, some more EWCM...and then nothing again.

It seems as though 3 was my magic number.

I had 3 chances to get pregnant on my own.  Just 3.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I can't tell you how pissed I am about that chemical pregnancy on the 2nd cycle.  I KNEW if I was gonna get pregnant it had to be right after I started ovulating and that I wouldn't have much time...fucking miscarriage.

That would have been too perfect.  Get pregnant my 2nd cycle and then not have to worry about ovulating anymore.  Too perfect.

It's CD40 and I'll all tapped out.  I pretty much just want this cycle to end already.  I want off the rollercoaster.

Even if I've been ovulating, these endlessly long cycles are killing me.  At this point I'm going to take the Clomid just to ovulate at a normal time, you know like somewhere in the teens, NOT on CD38 or 39 or never.

So...I guess it's back to Clomid.  Past experience says that when I'm done ovulating I'm done ovulating.  I don't ovulate one month and not ovulate the next and then start ovulating again.  Once it's done, it's done.

It's been 6 months, I ovulated 3 times, now I'm done. 

Bring on the drugs. 

Unfortunately with drugs means I need to make a decision.  Wean or keep nursing while taking Clomid.

I've made an appt with my Dr. on Wednesday and I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of taking Clomid while I'm still nursing.  We're down to just twice a day so I'm hopeful that it's possible.  I've done some research and it looks like the only effect Clomid has on lactation is that it may lower my supply, which...wouldn't be the end of the world.  I've always wanted nursing to end because my milk dried up for one reason or another be it time away from him, another pregnancy or Clomid apparently.  I just never wanted to end the relationship by one day telling him he couldn't have it anymore.  Milk gone?  Totally different story.

Anyone know of anyone who's taken Clomid while nursing???

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

He's 2.

Well it happened....he turned 2.

And I'm kind of still in shock.

Do I really have a 2 year old???

That first year dragged on and on, but the second year?  Gone in the blink of an eye.

Every day I'm amazed at what he can do and what he can say and just how much of a PERSON he is even though he's only 2.

I mean...we have entire conversations him and I.

Somewhere around 20 months he really started talking and every day he has a new word.  He repeats almost anything and is getting better and better at getting his point across.

His vocabulary is huge but he still has a tendency to use one-word sentences.  Saying two words separately rather than together to say what he's trying to say.

"Shoes.....outside"  Rather than "shoes outside".

He's working on his colors and will randomly say something is blue, because he thinks everything is blue, and when you tell him the correct color he will repeat it and then start saying everything is the new color.  A work in progress.

He's also REALLY working on jumping.  Almost any chance he gets he starts hopping around, trying to get both feet of the ground at the same time.  Who knew jumping took such practice!  One day soon both feet are just going to come flying off the ground and it's going to shock the hell out of him!

He basically runs everywhere.  If you get him in a store he spends the whole time RUNNING up and down the aisles...good times for mama.  I call him Forrest, as in RUN FORREST RUN!

He loves anything with wheels.  Cars, trucks, 4-wheelers, trailers, motorcycles, bikes, all are equally awesome as far as he's concerned. 


We bought him his own battery powered 4-wheeler for his birthday and he's been riding it around the property everyday.  Here it is towing his new bike.  Things. With. Wheels.

Same goes for tools.  Tools are amazing.

He's such a BOY I can hardly stand it. My parents, who had all girls, are constantly amazed at just how different little boys are from little girls.

As with all toddlers and kids in general, he's a little sponge, just absorbing everything around him.  I was floored the other night when he stopped nursing to point out not just Thomas in his book but Percy, Gordon and James as well, saying each name as he pointed to them...I had no idea he knew all the trains and their names!

He's finally started eating better.  I've fallen into a terrible habit of letting him watch TV while he eats but it actually works to keep him SITTING STILL long enough to finish a meal.  If you stick him at the table he eats just enough to not be starving and then makes a big fuss about getting down.  I've decided he's still young enough to get away with this behavior...I'm not sure at what age I will enforce the eating at the table or we're not eating rule...but it's not now.  Especially when it's just me and him while my husband is traveling, I kinda like sitting in front of the TV and watching Caillou with him while we eat our dinner.

He's still nursing 3 times a day, but we're definitely heading toward cutting out our pre-nap nurse.  And even the morning nurse has been shortened most days as he's too excited to play with toys to nurse.  Night time he still wants LOTS of milk before bed.  Baby steps to weaning, baby steps to weaning.  We'll get there some day.

Basically, he's awesome...and I really hope this isn't it and that I am able to have another one.

Monday, July 14, 2014

I Thought This Would be Easy

I'm not gonna lie, I thought Baby #2 would be easy.

I QUITE MISTAKENLY thought that the hard part would be getting my period to start (which it was) but once that happened, I thought I would ovulate once and TADA we would be pregnant.

Really...I thought that's how it would go.

I did not think I would be sitting here 6 months after my period started, with only 3 cycles behind me, another miscarriage and still not pregnant.

What the fuck universe?  What. The. Fuck.

If you couldn't guess, I got my period again.  

40 day cycle, 12 day luteal phase.

Things are normalizing...I get it.  Hormones are regulating, ovulation is coming sooner, cycle is shortening and luteal phase is lengthening.

All that is great.

What's not great is that my body decided to wait until 19 months postpartum to start sorting it's shit out and thus giving me no time to sit back, relax and let my hormones do their thing before getting on with Baby #2.

Dear Body, if you needed some time to regulate and you weren't gonna let me make more babies during that time then couldn't you have started earlier, say 15 or 16 months after I had the baby?  No?

Because really, Jett's getting older and older and the age gap is getting wider and wider.

I realize that's a silly, petty concern but it's always been one of my huge beefs with infertility.  No choice in how old you will be when you have your baby(ies), no choice how far apart in age they will be etc etc.

I want to choose how far apart my children are in age.  And with each passing month I'm very very aware that Jett is getting closer and closer to being 3 by the time the next kiddo arrives.

As with everything surrounding the building of my family...this is not how I imagined things would be.  After such a struggle for Jett...I really really thought things would be easier this time around.

And I'm pissed that I have once again passed the 6 month mark...but onwards we march.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Still Here, Still Ovulating

I ovulated again.

I would like my medal please.

That's 3 cycles in a row!!!

And this time...CD28!

Still a disgustingly long cycle, but I will take 28 over 33.

So, I'm just over here, being all fertile and shit.

Feels kind of awesome, but also not sustainable.  Like, how many more times can I do this before the oves crap out?

As always, our timing was impeccable.  I don't know how we do it since my husband is a traveling fool, but each and every ovulation he just happens to be here.

And now we wait some more.

I feel slightly less crazy than I did the last 2 cycles.  Could be because we have guests coming tomorrow, staying for a week, which means I won't have a chance to sit around peeing on things.

Could be that the early miscarriage last cycle has made me oh so unexcited to pee on things.  Both positive and negative pee sticks are equally as scary post miscarriage...I remember that clearly from the first time around.

Could be that this cycle doesn't feel like THE ONE and I'm uninterested in getting my hopes up.

In other terrifying news, we've put our house up for sale, we're moving to the 'burbs and my husband is quitting his job.

Life is so up in the air right now.

But here we are, still here, still ovulating...and still waiting.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Weaning - 23 Months

Or perhaps a more apt title to this post should be: I Don't Think We'll Be Weaning By Age 2.

Oh yes, we're still nursing.

Since I seem to be ovulating, ALBEIT REALLY REALLY LATE EVERY CYCLE (CD25 and no ovulation yet!!!) I decided to quit worrying about weaning the kid by the time he's 2.

If I'm ovulating I'm not going to the RE.  If I'm not going to the RE I'm not getting Clomid.  If I'm not getting Clomid I don't have a real reason to wean.

I honestly never thought I would be nursing a 2 year old.  One year old?  Of course!  18 month old?  Sure, why not.  But 2???  Never thought it would happen.

What a hippie.

I'm still banking on another pregnancy to force me to quit...because really I don't see us quitting JUST BECAUSE.

Jett's actually started to cut back on his nursing, much to my surprise.  We were holding steady at 4 times a day when out of nowhere he seems to have completely cut out the post nap nursing session.

So we're down to morning, night and pre-nap.

Amazingly cutting down to 3 from 4 times a day seems to have finally tweaked my metabolism.  I was one of the lucky few who dropped all my pregnancy pounds and then some with just nursing and I'd been holding steady at 10 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight.  I could eat anything and the scale wouldn't budge even a pound.

But now, with that one nursing session dropped suddenly I've gained a few pounds!  It's kind of sad that I'll now have to go back to paying attention to what I eat but it's also kind of a relief because it felt like my body wasn't ready for another pregnancy.  How could I possibly sustain a pregnancy and nursing at that weight?!

Maybe now that we're heading back up to a more sensible weight I can hold onto a pregnancy?  We shall see.

In other news, my kid is about to turn 2!  How the hell did that happen?!

The older he gets the more I want more babies just so that they can become cute toddlers like him.

He didn't want to eat the chicken but he really wanted to suck on the bone.

Sigh.  Why can't baby making be easy?

Friday, May 30, 2014

Another Pregnancy Another Miscarriage

I was pregnant again...very briefly.

Looks like Baby C was nothing more than a chemical pregnancy.

When all hope looked lost for an ovulation this last time around I ovulated on CD33 just like the previous cycle.

Obnoxious that I'm ovulating on CD33, but least I'm ovulating and at least I'm ovulating regularly.

Anyway, my cat informed me that I was pregnant and so I took a test at only 10 days past ovulation.

How, do you ask, did my cat tell me I was pregnant?

He started sleeping with me again.  Most of you won't remember this but during my pregnancy with Jett my cat started sleeping up next to me instead of at the foot of the bed or in his cat bed.  Well, at 8DPO he started sleeping with me again so at 10DPO I took a test.

Lo and was positive.

I took a test every day from that point on and the line got darker up until 13DPO.  Then at 14DPO it was definitely not any darker, but not lighter either. 

But I had a sneaking suspicion that this pregnancy was not going to continue.

That night my cat didn't sleep with me.

And at 15DPO the line was so faint that it was almost non-existent.

And later in the was gone completely. 

My cat is my new early pregnancy detector.

So, there you have it, 3rd pregnancy ended almost as soon as it began.  I would have only been 4w1d when the line disappeared, if I was a normal person I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant.

I wish I didn't know.

That's 3 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages and only 1 baby.  My statistics are looking dreadful.

Though my ovulation statistics are looking AMAZING.  Only 5 ovulations but 3 pregnancies.

So there's a bright side.

At least, I'm going to pretend there is.

I'm sad.  But I'm not as sad as I was with the first miscarriage.  This is just a drop in the hat compared to that.

But it sucks, it really really sucks.

Not only am I plagued with infrequent ovulation and LONG cycles that make getting pregnant anything but simple but apparently getting pregnant isn't all I have to contend with as we add a 2nd miscarriage into the mix.

Now just waiting for my period...and onto the next cycle.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

What Do You Mean Weaning Was Easy???

Today I decided to linkup with these mamas over here for their One Year and Beyond series.

Today's topic:  Weaning.

Hot button topic for me.

Over and over again I hear the same thing when the topic of weaning comes up (and let's be honest, I'm nursing an almost 2 year old everyone asks me when I'm going to wean at this point) I hear how easy weaning was.  They stopped offering one feed, kid hardly noticed, they got rid of another, kid still didn't notice, etc etc until they were fully weaned like a week later.

And all I have to say is, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS SO EASY???

Weaning has become one of the most challenging aspects of motherhood to date for me.

All efforts to wean have been thwarted by my toddler.  We began the weaning process 9 months ago and we've whittled it down to 4 (sometimes 3) nursing sessions a day. But it has been anything but easy and it feels like we're a long way from completely weaned.

He is fiercely determined to continue breastfeeding.

We started at 1 year with Don't Offer, Don't Refuse.  I stopped offering but he kept asking and since I wasn't refusing we were still nursing roughly 8 times a day, every few hours through the day (he was sleeping through the night at that point so that's 8 times DURING THE DAY!)

Since that landed us exactly nowhere and I was looking for my period to start we began being a little more proactive in our weaning approach in that when he'd ask I'd try distraction, water and food.  If he still wanted milk I would give it to him.

The result?  We'd have several mini-meltdowns every day because he REALLY REALLY wanted the milk and toys, games, food and water WERE NOT THE SAME AS MILK and he knew it.

I even tried sippy cups of almond milk because he understands that we put milk on our cereal but no...he definitely knew milk in the sippy was not the same as milk from the boob.

After a few days of this I gave up on weaning because EVERYONE ELSE SAID IT WAS EASY and this was so far from easy that I decided something wasn't right.

If Jett was SO DETERMINED to continue nursing perhaps it wasn't the right time and I should let it go for awhile.

So I did, I let it go.  I quit trying so hard and I let him have milk whenever he wanted it.

And he wanted it all the time.

At some point, 18 months?  I got a little fed up with the situation and decided I wasn't going to nurse in public anymore, so we started our nursing rules.  

Jett likes rules.

If we were at the park and he wanted milk then I would explain that we only nurse at home and if he wanted milk we were going home, this actually worked as he rarely wanted to leave the playground/park or wherever we were and even if he did by the time we got home he'd completely forgotten he wanted milk.

FINALLY, some progress.

We've continued with the rules, which amusingly Jett does really well with.  He's a big rule follower.

We've made some more progress and now the rules are: milk is only for wakeup and bedtime.  And he gets it, he understands.  If it's an hour before bedtime and he wants milk and I tell him milk is for bedtime, HE GETS IT and he waits.  Which means WE'RE FINALLY DOWN TO 4 NURSING SESSIONS A DAY.

Obviously the next step is getting rid of the daytime nap nursing sessions...but I'm not sure how to create a rule around that, milk is only for morning and nighttime? 

So here we are 21 months and still nursing with the deadline of wean by 2 years old that I gave myself looming overhead.

Someone, anyone, please tell me that there's someone else who's had trouble weaning???  It can't possibly be THAT easy for everyone!