Friday, January 23, 2015

Baby #2 Bumpdate - 13 Weeks

Yeah...I knew I wasn't gonna do these very well this time around.

Sorry Bebe Deux!

This will be short and sweet.

How far along: 13 Weeks 1 day

Weight Gain:  I think we're still at about 5 lbs.

Maternity Clothes:  OMG YES!  I'm going all in, I don't know how I survived the vast majority of my pregnancy with Jett without maternity clothes, but this time it ain't happenin.  I'm all about the maternity clothes.  Bring on the stretchy belly panels and rouching!

Milestones:  I think this is the end of the first trimester and if it's not well fuck it, I'm pretending it's the end of the first trimester so YAY!

What's up with My Body:  Constipation.  Bane of my existence.  But the fatigue is finally starting to wane!  Can't wait to have my energy back!

Bumpdate: It's there for everyone to see.  I still can't believe this a 13 week's ridiculous.

And last time at 13 weeks.

And at 22 weeks.  How is this the same body?

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Not With a Shout But a Whisper... how nursing ends.

At just a few weeks shy of 2.5 years old, I think Jett and I have ended our nursing relationship.

With no warning, 3 nights ago, he asked for water instead of milk.

And that was it.

He hasn't mentioned milk since that night.

I feel a little cheated out of the experience of the last nursing session.  I don't remember it the way I hoped I would as I didn't know at the time that it was the last.  It was just another night, like any other, nothing special to mark the occasion.

Intellectually I'm extremely happy as this is EXACTLY how I wanted nursing to end.  No fights.  No struggles.  Just one day he'd be done.

But emotionally...I'm a little sad.  I can't put my finger on why exactly other than the fact that my baby is growing up of course.  But I am, I'm sad.  Even 2.5 years later, I'm sad it's over.

This is something we've done together, just him and me, since the moment he came out. It's extremely bittersweet to see it come to an end.

My boobs are happy.  Latching was getting painful on the pregnant boobs.  And the positioning of him across my belly was also approaching uncomfortableness.

I have no idea what caused the sudden disinterest.  Perhaps the milk became salty as I've heard can happen in pregnancy?  Perhaps he just finally decided he was done.

I guess I'll never know.

I thought this day would never come if I'm being honest.  I had started to contemplate the idea of tandem nursing because this kid would just NOT let go of the milk and I didn't want to force it.

But he did it and with that final act of independence by my first born, my body officially belongs to Baby #2.

So I'll take the 6 month boob break and look forward to beginning anew come August.

It's been fun Baby Jett, I'm glad I have these pictures to remember our time together.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Baby #2 Bumpdate - 12 Weeks

I'm undecided how I'm going to go about these bumpdates for Round 2.  I think I would enjoy going back and reading them like I do with Jett's I really have the time to not only do the bumpdates but the pictures as well???

We shall see...let's give it a whirl.

How far along? 12 Weeks
Weight gain/loss: +5 lbs. I think I started this time at 118 which is about 5 lbs. less than last time so I'm up to my pre-pregnancy weight before Baby #1.
Maternity clothes? Ugh, I think I need to start jumping into maternity clothes already.  Pants are too tight, loose shirts make me look fat (which is all I wear, apparently I've COMPLETELY changed my style over the last 2 years).  I've dug out the old maternity clothes but since I wore them AT THE END of my last pregnancy they're stretched out in the bump area and really don't fit quite yet.  I'm in a clothing slump!  I hate all my clothes and everything is uncomfortable!

Gender? Both Dom and I were feeling pretty strong girl vibes this time around just because of the whole MS thing that I didn't have before...which I discuss below.  I kind of picture our life with Jett and a baby sister lately too.  AND I had one pregnancy dream where I gave birth to a baby girl.  So...this week is girl.  We are not finding out again!

Milestones: Made it past 8 weeks and now 12 weeks with a heartbeat!  My two milestones.
What's up with my body?  Two pregnancies could not be more different.

With Jett's pregnancy I felt pretty damn good for the vast majority of my pregnancy.  I did not suffer from any morning sickness other than a random bout of nausea here and there.  This time around I spent weeks 7-10 feeling like I was about to throw up at any moment ALL DAY every day.  The only time I felt ok was when I was eating and for about an hour after eating.  The problem was forcing myself to eat as who wants to eat when they're feeling nauseous?! 

BUT amazingly it went away just as quickly as it appeared several weeks shy of the first trimester, so I will once again count myself lucky that I
a) was not throwing up and that
b) my MS was short-lived.

Though I'm not gonna lie, the nausea gave me a HUGE sense of comfort because if I was nauseous I was pregnant!  No nausea = me questioning whether I'm still pregnant basically every day.

And constipation and hemorrhoids have already reared their ugly heads!  This early???  Come on body, that's WAY too early to start dealing with this stuff!!!  Last time I was well into my 2nd trimester before having to start researching constipation remedies!  Luckily I remember all the tricks from last time, but DAMNIT!


The other ridiculously different thing this time around is that HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???

 I am trying to hold my sweater back not stick my bump out I swear.

I'm already looking so so pregnant and I'm not even out of the first trimester.

My uterus has just barely begun to pop out from behind my pubic bone, so I ask you, what the hell is this?  Bloat?  Water retention?  My body just "remembering" how to be pregnant???

Last time around I was pushing 20 weeks before I looked like this.  I think it was somewhere around 19 weeks before my husband was like " look pregnant!"  This time around he's already told me he thinks I'm going to be big because I already look pregnant.


Here's 19 weeks last time to compare:

And because I just love comparison photos, here's 12 weeks with #1.

Anyone else finding they're much bigger with #2???

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Early Christmas Present...Again.

There are so many similarities between 2011 and 2014.

We spent most of the year trying to have a baby...again.

We had one miscarriage...again.

One of our grandparents died...again.  Obviously not the same one.

We had a failed round of Clomid...again.


We had a successful 2nd round of Clomid...again!

We got pregnant in November...again.

We announced the pregnancy at Christmas...again.

And last but not least, I'm having an August baby...again.  Ok technically my due date is July 30, but come on...I'm clearly destined to have all my babies birthdays clustered around my own.

So, here we go again!  On to Baby #2...FINALLY.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Weaning PROGRESS - 28 Months

What can I say, this kid loves the boob.

But FINALLY at 28 months we're down to once a day AND sometimes we skip that too!

I can see the end in sight!

Sometime earlier this month I decided to offer up something else rather than milk in the mornings.  What I ultimately decided on was CARTOONS!

Honestly I feel kind of bad letting him watch cartoons every morning but you know what?!  Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

The older he gets the more I've come to realize that it's best if he agrees to something rather than if I  try to sneakily take it away.

For instance, if you remember a month or two ago when my RE told me that nursing might be ultimately keeping me from getting pregnant Dom just sort of took over and he and Jett would leave the house when Jett and I would normally be nursing or I'd just leave the room and let dad put him to sleep.  Hoping that if milk wasn't there he'd just sort of accept it and move on.

But ultimately that backfired and we ended up with a sobbing mess of a baby screaming for milk and mommy by Sunday morning and we had a very upset mommy who felt awful for abandoning her baby when he clearly needed her.

So, I changed tactics and OFFERED him something else in return for an agreement that accepting the offer meant no milk.

An agreement from him also meant I could remind him that he GOT something in return for not having milk.

It worked like a charm.

For probably a week every morning when I came down and he'd ask me for milk I'd ask him if he'd rather watch cartoons instead of do milk.  Five out of the 7 mornings he said cartoons and only twice did he say milk, which meant no cartoons.  After a week he quit asking for milk and instead asks me for cartoons!  For the moment I am giving in and letting him have his cartoons in the morning but I know somewhere down the line we're going to have a new habit to break!

Baby steps.

Now as we've got the morning session out of the way we've started to work on night time.  We've developed a similar tactic as the morning minus the TV where he gets to stay up an extra 10 minutes and play with daddy if he agrees that daddy is putting him to bed and that means no milk. 

Works some nights, others it doesn't.

Last night I could hear him up there saying "Play sand with daddy and no milk!"  So...HE GETS IT!  And that's what apparently needed to happen at this point...28 months.  He has to be party to the decision, which...I'm cool with.

So, we're almost there folks!  I swear we'll be done by the time he's 3 ;-)

 Officially the last time we nursed in public at the World Series Game in October.  Bittersweet that this part of our relationship is ending but I look forward to whatever comes next!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Imagination at Work

Enough of this infertility bullshit let's talk about the child I DO have not the ones I don't!

It's time for a little Jett update for posterity sake.
I think 2 is the most glorious age.

I love Jett being 2.

He's very much a KID not a baby now and in so many ways is very self-sufficient and I'm absolutely loving it.

The latest and greatest thing is PRETENDING.

Guys, I didn't even realize that little ones didn't have the capacity for pretend play, it never occurred to me that Jett didn't understand pretending and that it came with age.

But then one day, out of the blue, suddenly his fort has become a pirate ship and we're sailing around the stinky water so we can catch butterflies and search for buried treasure.


But it's the cutest thing.  I love the pretending.

We also pretend bake, we make lots of taco soup and cake.

And we dig for lots of buried treasure in the backyard.

Jett may be in love with all things pirate right now.  It's hysterical.

His language has also really developed.  Just after 2, maybe 25 months? he really started talking in full sentences.  We're now up to 5-6 word sentences and he adds connecting words like and and or and knows his he's and she's and mine and yours etc etc.

It's MUCH easier to figure out what he wants when he can actually tell you!

He's also got his letters down.  There's a few he consistently gets wrong but the vast majority of the alphabet he knows.

Numbers, he can count to 2, sometimes 3.  But he actually knows what 1 and 2 mean.  So, he knows how many 1 vs. 2 is and will tell you if he wants one or 2 of something.

Loves all things boy with the exception of the color pink and Hello Kitty.

See?  Pink.  He needed the pink ice cream.  It was Hibiscus Sorbet.  He kept telling me it was "delicious" but his face said otherwise.  Stick to your guns about your pink ice cream decision son, stick to your guns.

Can I just bottle up this little 2 year old and keep him this age forever?

Monday, November 10, 2014

Breastfeeding - 27 Months

If you'll notice I went ahead and just titled it Breastfeeding instead of Weaning because let's be honest here, I've been "weaning" for over a year now and really I'm just continuing to breastfeed.

The emotions surrounding breastfeeding lately have been tumultuous.

Jett and I are still happy in our nursing relationship at twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, and I wish I could just leave it at that.

I have no strong desire to quit and Jett definitely doesn't seem interested in quitting.

But this Baby #2 or lack thereof to more accurate is really starting to come into play more and more and I'm feeling the pressure to wean sooner rather than later.

After a visit to the RE it was mentioned that breastfeeding could have been a possible reason for my chemical pregnancy in April and while I don't personally believe it was a factor my husband feels differently and has encouraged me to quit.

It breaks my heart that he thinks it was something I did that caused a miscarriage.  His longing for more kids is evident, especially now as Jett gets older and more fun, and I feel like shit that I can't just snap my fingers and get pregnant the way it seems so many others can.

After a bit of my own research and a Facebook discussion with several of you it seems that while women with no fertility issues can and do get pregnant while breastfeeding, when you throw known fertility issues into the mix it can be a problem.  The hormones that are needed to support lactation are in direct conflict with those needed to support early pregnancy and when you already have some hormonal imbalances, ie. PCOS, it can just make things that much more complicated.

In an effort to appease the husband he spent most of the weekend with Jett and took over during times in which Jett and I would normally be nursing.  

And the whole thing made me feel absolutely awful.

Jett was either clawing at my chest asking me for milk as tears dripped down his face at times of the day when he never requests milk or ignoring me in lieu of hanging out with daddy.

He was definitely out of sorts all weekend, frowning and pouty when he is normally happy and much more screamy and throwing tantrums, which is unusual Jett behavior.

On Sunday morning when Daddy came in to get him he started screaming uncontrollably for Mommy and at that point I gave in and we sat down for our usual morning nursing session.  

He hungrily dove for my chest like he was never going to see me I was leaving him.

It was so sad.

The whole ordeal has left me very angry.

I'm angry that I seemingly cannot breastfeed and get pregnant even though so many others can.  

I'm angry that my child just happens to be one that is fiercely determined to continue breastfeeding and will not easily let it go.

I'm angry that it's anyone's business besides Jett and mine as to how long we continue.

And I'm angry that I feel like I'm being forced to choose between continuing to nourish and comfort my one child that I do have and a theoretical child that I am not yet pregnant with.  Perhaps it is selfish of me to want both but there it is, that's what I want.

I want to continue to breastfeed until Jett or I are ready to be done.  I've given up putting a date on it as I originally thought 18 months, then 2 years and now that we're past 2 years I'll say 3, but really...I don't know.  And I don't want to put a date on it.

So there you go.  What has been a beautiful relationship up until now is becoming fraught with emotion, both good and bad. 

As though I'm not already wracked with guilt over my body's inability to ovulate normally or it's inability to get pregnant or it's inability to hold onto each pregnancy that it is blessed with.  Let's add breastfeeding into the mix, I feel guilty about that now too.

I know most of you quit breastfeeding long ago, so I'm not expecting any advice as to what to do at this point, but...fuck, you know???