Monday, December 22, 2014

Weaning PROGRESS - 28 Months

What can I say, this kid loves the boob.

But FINALLY at 28 months we're down to once a day AND sometimes we skip that too!

I can see the end in sight!

Sometime earlier this month I decided to offer up something else rather than milk in the mornings.  What I ultimately decided on was CARTOONS!

Honestly I feel kind of bad letting him watch cartoons every morning but you know what?!  Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

The older he gets the more I've come to realize that it's best if he agrees to something rather than if I  try to sneakily take it away.

For instance, if you remember a month or two ago when my RE told me that nursing might be ultimately keeping me from getting pregnant Dom just sort of took over and he and Jett would leave the house when Jett and I would normally be nursing or I'd just leave the room and let dad put him to sleep.  Hoping that if milk wasn't there he'd just sort of accept it and move on.

But ultimately that backfired and we ended up with a sobbing mess of a baby screaming for milk and mommy by Sunday morning and we had a very upset mommy who felt awful for abandoning her baby when he clearly needed her.

So, I changed tactics and OFFERED him something else in return for an agreement that accepting the offer meant no milk.

An agreement from him also meant I could remind him that he GOT something in return for not having milk.

It worked like a charm.

For probably a week every morning when I came down and he'd ask me for milk I'd ask him if he'd rather watch cartoons instead of do milk.  Five out of the 7 mornings he said cartoons and only twice did he say milk, which meant no cartoons.  After a week he quit asking for milk and instead asks me for cartoons!  For the moment I am giving in and letting him have his cartoons in the morning but I know somewhere down the line we're going to have a new habit to break!

Baby steps.

Now as we've got the morning session out of the way we've started to work on night time.  We've developed a similar tactic as the morning minus the TV where he gets to stay up an extra 10 minutes and play with daddy if he agrees that daddy is putting him to bed and that means no milk. 

Works some nights, others it doesn't.

Last night I could hear him up there saying "Play sand with daddy and no milk!"  So...HE GETS IT!  And that's what apparently needed to happen at this point...28 months.  He has to be party to the decision, which...I'm cool with.

So, we're almost there folks!  I swear we'll be done by the time he's 3 ;-)

 Officially the last time we nursed in public at the World Series Game in October.  Bittersweet that this part of our relationship is ending but I look forward to whatever comes next!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Imagination at Work

Enough of this infertility bullshit let's talk about the child I DO have not the ones I don't!

It's time for a little Jett update for posterity sake.
I think 2 is the most glorious age.

I love Jett being 2.

He's very much a KID not a baby now and in so many ways is very self-sufficient and I'm absolutely loving it.

The latest and greatest thing is PRETENDING.

Guys, I didn't even realize that little ones didn't have the capacity for pretend play, it never occurred to me that Jett didn't understand pretending and that it came with age.

But then one day, out of the blue, suddenly his fort has become a pirate ship and we're sailing around the stinky water so we can catch butterflies and search for buried treasure.

And I'm like HOLY SHIT, WHERE DOES HE COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?!

But it's the cutest thing.  I love the pretending.

We also pretend bake, we make lots of taco soup and cake.

And we dig for lots of buried treasure in the backyard.

Jett may be in love with all things pirate right now.  It's hysterical.

His language has also really developed.  Just after 2, maybe 25 months? he really started talking in full sentences.  We're now up to 5-6 word sentences and he adds connecting words like and and or and knows his he's and she's and mine and yours etc etc.

It's MUCH easier to figure out what he wants when he can actually tell you!

He's also got his letters down.  There's a few he consistently gets wrong but the vast majority of the alphabet he knows.

Numbers, he can count to 2, sometimes 3.  But he actually knows what 1 and 2 mean.  So, he knows how many 1 vs. 2 is and will tell you if he wants one or 2 of something.

Loves all things boy with the exception of the color pink and Hello Kitty.

See?  Pink.  He needed the pink ice cream.  It was Hibiscus Sorbet.  He kept telling me it was "delicious" but his face said otherwise.  Stick to your guns about your pink ice cream decision son, stick to your guns.

Can I just bottle up this little 2 year old and keep him this age forever?

Monday, November 10, 2014

Breastfeeding - 27 Months

If you'll notice I went ahead and just titled it Breastfeeding instead of Weaning because let's be honest here, I've been "weaning" for over a year now and really I'm just continuing to breastfeed.

The emotions surrounding breastfeeding lately have been tumultuous.

Jett and I are still happy in our nursing relationship at twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, and I wish I could just leave it at that.

I have no strong desire to quit and Jett definitely doesn't seem interested in quitting.

But this Baby #2 or lack thereof to more accurate is really starting to come into play more and more and I'm feeling the pressure to wean sooner rather than later.

After a visit to the RE it was mentioned that breastfeeding could have been a possible reason for my chemical pregnancy in April and while I don't personally believe it was a factor my husband feels differently and has encouraged me to quit.

It breaks my heart that he thinks it was something I did that caused a miscarriage.  His longing for more kids is evident, especially now as Jett gets older and more fun, and I feel like shit that I can't just snap my fingers and get pregnant the way it seems so many others can.

After a bit of my own research and a Facebook discussion with several of you it seems that while women with no fertility issues can and do get pregnant while breastfeeding, when you throw known fertility issues into the mix it can be a problem.  The hormones that are needed to support lactation are in direct conflict with those needed to support early pregnancy and when you already have some hormonal imbalances, ie. PCOS, it can just make things that much more complicated.

In an effort to appease the husband he spent most of the weekend with Jett and took over during times in which Jett and I would normally be nursing.  

And the whole thing made me feel absolutely awful.

Jett was either clawing at my chest asking me for milk as tears dripped down his face at times of the day when he never requests milk or ignoring me in lieu of hanging out with daddy.

He was definitely out of sorts all weekend, frowning and pouty when he is normally happy and much more screamy and throwing tantrums, which is unusual Jett behavior.

On Sunday morning when Daddy came in to get him he started screaming uncontrollably for Mommy and at that point I gave in and we sat down for our usual morning nursing session.  

He hungrily dove for my chest like he was never going to see me again...like I was leaving him.

It was so sad.

The whole ordeal has left me very angry.

I'm angry that I seemingly cannot breastfeed and get pregnant even though so many others can.  

I'm angry that my child just happens to be one that is fiercely determined to continue breastfeeding and will not easily let it go.

I'm angry that it's anyone's business besides Jett and mine as to how long we continue.

And I'm angry that I feel like I'm being forced to choose between continuing to nourish and comfort my one child that I do have and a theoretical child that I am not yet pregnant with.  Perhaps it is selfish of me to want both but there it is, that's what I want.

I want to continue to breastfeed until Jett or I are ready to be done.  I've given up putting a date on it as I originally thought 18 months, then 2 years and now that we're past 2 years I'll say 3, but really...I don't know.  And I don't want to put a date on it.

So there you go.  What has been a beautiful relationship up until now is becoming fraught with emotion, both good and bad. 

As though I'm not already wracked with guilt over my body's inability to ovulate normally or it's inability to get pregnant or it's inability to hold onto each pregnancy that it is blessed with.  Let's add breastfeeding into the mix, I feel guilty about that now too.

I know most of you quit breastfeeding long ago, so I'm not expecting any advice as to what to do at this point, but...fuck, you know??? 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Life Changes

We've been busy over here completely changing our lives.

No, I'm not pregnant.

I'm on my 2nd round of Clomid, 8 months and 5 ovulatory cycles postpartum...and still not pregnant.

These life changes have involved moving houses and changing jobs.

The last few months have been a whirlwind of house selling then house buying then moving...and it's just been busy.

We are still in the Bay area but took the plunge, left the city and moved to the burbs.

So now we're here in Berkeley getting adjusted and in about a month my husband is going to quit his job.

For the moment we have insurance and thus will be taking the opportunity to visit the RE and find out WHAT THE FUCK is going on and how I can go from ovulating 3 times resulting in 2 pregnancies to ovulating 5 times which only resulted in 1 pregnancy.

Clearly my problems now run deeper than just ovulating.

Awesome.

Anyway, it seems everyone in my life is pregnant or just popped out their 2nd child so I've been hibernating a bit.  I don't like how quickly I'm becoming bitter and angry again so I've just sort of been steering clear of all the preggos and new mamas.

Perhaps not the healthiest way to deal with things...but it is what it is.

And in other news, it's almost Halloween!!!  I'm so excited for trick or treaters I can hardly stand it!

Monday, August 18, 2014

Back on the Rollercoaster

I've written no less than 7 drafts of blog posts describing the circumstances of my current cycle and before I can hit PUBLISH something changes.

One minute I'm convinced I'm done ovulating, like completely done, like the oves are too covered in cysts and it's over I can't ovulate on my own anymore and I'll need Clomid to continue.

The next minute I get a fucking smiley face on an opk and it's like OMG it may be CD37 but I'm going to ovulate!

Now we're back to...nevermind, not ovulating.  And considering Clomid again.

Really...I have no idea what's going on with my body.

My guess is that it's trying, it's really really trying to ovulate.  I get the smiley, I have EWCM but then it just can't quite finish it off and pop an egg out.  So it starts over.  And I have nothing for a few days, then another smiley, some more EWCM...and then nothing again.

It seems as though 3 was my magic number.

I had 3 chances to get pregnant on my own.  Just 3.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I can't tell you how pissed I am about that chemical pregnancy on the 2nd cycle.  I KNEW if I was gonna get pregnant it had to be right after I started ovulating and that I wouldn't have much time...fucking miscarriage.

That would have been too perfect.  Get pregnant my 2nd cycle and then not have to worry about ovulating anymore.  Too perfect.

It's CD40 and I'll all tapped out.  I pretty much just want this cycle to end already.  I want off the rollercoaster.

Even if I've been ovulating, these endlessly long cycles are killing me.  At this point I'm going to take the Clomid just to ovulate at a normal time, you know like somewhere in the teens, NOT on CD38 or 39 or never.

So...I guess it's back to Clomid.  Past experience says that when I'm done ovulating I'm done ovulating.  I don't ovulate one month and not ovulate the next and then start ovulating again.  Once it's done, it's done.

It's been 6 months, I ovulated 3 times, now I'm done. 

Bring on the drugs. 

Unfortunately with drugs means I need to make a decision.  Wean or keep nursing while taking Clomid.

I've made an appt with my Dr. on Wednesday and I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of taking Clomid while I'm still nursing.  We're down to just twice a day so I'm hopeful that it's possible.  I've done some research and it looks like the only effect Clomid has on lactation is that it may lower my supply, which...wouldn't be the end of the world.  I've always wanted nursing to end because my milk dried up for one reason or another be it time away from him, another pregnancy or Clomid apparently.  I just never wanted to end the relationship by one day telling him he couldn't have it anymore.  Milk gone?  Totally different story.

Anyone know of anyone who's taken Clomid while nursing???

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

He's 2.

Well it happened....he turned 2.

And I'm kind of still in shock.

Do I really have a 2 year old???

That first year dragged on and on, but the second year?  Gone in the blink of an eye.

Every day I'm amazed at what he can do and what he can say and just how much of a PERSON he is even though he's only 2.

I mean...we have entire conversations him and I.

Somewhere around 20 months he really started talking and every day he has a new word.  He repeats almost anything and is getting better and better at getting his point across.

His vocabulary is huge but he still has a tendency to use one-word sentences.  Saying two words separately rather than together to say what he's trying to say.

"Shoes.....outside"  Rather than "shoes outside".

He's working on his colors and will randomly say something is blue, because he thinks everything is blue, and when you tell him the correct color he will repeat it and then start saying everything is the new color.  A work in progress.

He's also REALLY working on jumping.  Almost any chance he gets he starts hopping around, trying to get both feet of the ground at the same time.  Who knew jumping took such practice!  One day soon both feet are just going to come flying off the ground and it's going to shock the hell out of him!

He basically runs everywhere.  If you get him in a store he spends the whole time RUNNING up and down the aisles...good times for mama.  I call him Forrest, as in RUN FORREST RUN!

He loves anything with wheels.  Cars, trucks, 4-wheelers, trailers, motorcycles, bikes, all are equally awesome as far as he's concerned. 

  

We bought him his own battery powered 4-wheeler for his birthday and he's been riding it around the property everyday.  Here it is towing his new bike.  Things. With. Wheels.

 
Same goes for tools.  Tools are amazing.


He's such a BOY I can hardly stand it. My parents, who had all girls, are constantly amazed at just how different little boys are from little girls.

As with all toddlers and kids in general, he's a little sponge, just absorbing everything around him.  I was floored the other night when he stopped nursing to point out not just Thomas in his book but Percy, Gordon and James as well, saying each name as he pointed to them...I had no idea he knew all the trains and their names!

He's finally started eating better.  I've fallen into a terrible habit of letting him watch TV while he eats but it actually works to keep him SITTING STILL long enough to finish a meal.  If you stick him at the table he eats just enough to not be starving and then makes a big fuss about getting down.  I've decided he's still young enough to get away with this behavior...I'm not sure at what age I will enforce the eating at the table or we're not eating rule...but it's not now.  Especially when it's just me and him while my husband is traveling, I kinda like sitting in front of the TV and watching Caillou with him while we eat our dinner.

He's still nursing 3 times a day, but we're definitely heading toward cutting out our pre-nap nurse.  And even the morning nurse has been shortened most days as he's too excited to play with toys to nurse.  Night time he still wants LOTS of milk before bed.  Baby steps to weaning, baby steps to weaning.  We'll get there some day.

Basically, he's awesome...and I really hope this isn't it and that I am able to have another one.

Monday, July 14, 2014

I Thought This Would be Easy

I'm not gonna lie, I thought Baby #2 would be easy.

I QUITE MISTAKENLY thought that the hard part would be getting my period to start (which it was) but once that happened, I thought I would ovulate once and TADA we would be pregnant.

Really...I thought that's how it would go.

I did not think I would be sitting here 6 months after my period started, with only 3 cycles behind me, another miscarriage and still not pregnant.

What the fuck universe?  What. The. Fuck.

If you couldn't guess, I got my period again.  

40 day cycle, 12 day luteal phase.

Things are normalizing...I get it.  Hormones are regulating, ovulation is coming sooner, cycle is shortening and luteal phase is lengthening.

All that is great.

What's not great is that my body decided to wait until 19 months postpartum to start sorting it's shit out and thus giving me no time to sit back, relax and let my hormones do their thing before getting on with Baby #2.

Dear Body, if you needed some time to regulate and you weren't gonna let me make more babies during that time then couldn't you have started earlier, say 15 or 16 months after I had the baby?  No?

Because really, Jett's getting older and older and the age gap is getting wider and wider.

I realize that's a silly, petty concern but it's always been one of my huge beefs with infertility.  No choice in how old you will be when you have your baby(ies), no choice how far apart in age they will be etc etc.

I want to choose how far apart my children are in age.  And with each passing month I'm very very aware that Jett is getting closer and closer to being 3 by the time the next kiddo arrives.

As with everything surrounding the building of my family...this is not how I imagined things would be.  After such a struggle for Jett...I really really thought things would be easier this time around.

And I'm pissed that I have once again passed the 6 month mark...but onwards we march.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Still Here, Still Ovulating

I ovulated again.

I would like my medal please.

That's 3 cycles in a row!!!

And this time...CD28!

Still a disgustingly long cycle, but I will take 28 over 33.

So, I'm just over here, being all fertile and shit.

Feels kind of awesome, but also not sustainable.  Like, how many more times can I do this before the oves crap out?

As always, our timing was impeccable.  I don't know how we do it since my husband is a traveling fool, but each and every ovulation he just happens to be here.

And now we wait some more.

I feel slightly less crazy than I did the last 2 cycles.  Could be because we have guests coming tomorrow, staying for a week, which means I won't have a chance to sit around peeing on things.

Could be that the early miscarriage last cycle has made me oh so unexcited to pee on things.  Both positive and negative pee sticks are equally as scary post miscarriage...I remember that clearly from the first time around.

Could be that this cycle doesn't feel like THE ONE and I'm uninterested in getting my hopes up.

In other terrifying news, we've put our house up for sale, we're moving to the 'burbs and my husband is quitting his job.

Life is so up in the air right now.

But here we are, still here, still ovulating...and still waiting.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Weaning - 23 Months

Or perhaps a more apt title to this post should be: I Don't Think We'll Be Weaning By Age 2.

Oh yes, we're still nursing.

Since I seem to be ovulating, ALBEIT REALLY REALLY LATE EVERY CYCLE (CD25 and no ovulation yet!!!) I decided to quit worrying about weaning the kid by the time he's 2.

If I'm ovulating I'm not going to the RE.  If I'm not going to the RE I'm not getting Clomid.  If I'm not getting Clomid I don't have a real reason to wean.

I honestly never thought I would be nursing a 2 year old.  One year old?  Of course!  18 month old?  Sure, why not.  But 2???  Never thought it would happen.

What a hippie.

I'm still banking on another pregnancy to force me to quit...because really I don't see us quitting JUST BECAUSE.

Jett's actually started to cut back on his nursing, much to my surprise.  We were holding steady at 4 times a day when out of nowhere he seems to have completely cut out the post nap nursing session.

So we're down to morning, night and pre-nap.

Amazingly cutting down to 3 from 4 times a day seems to have finally tweaked my metabolism.  I was one of the lucky few who dropped all my pregnancy pounds and then some with just nursing and I'd been holding steady at 10 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight.  I could eat anything and the scale wouldn't budge even a pound.

But now, with that one nursing session dropped suddenly I've gained a few pounds!  It's kind of sad that I'll now have to go back to paying attention to what I eat but it's also kind of a relief because it felt like my body wasn't ready for another pregnancy.  How could I possibly sustain a pregnancy and nursing at that weight?!

Maybe now that we're heading back up to a more sensible weight I can hold onto a pregnancy?  We shall see.

In other news, my kid is about to turn 2!  How the hell did that happen?!

The older he gets the more I want more babies just so that they can become cute toddlers like him.


He didn't want to eat the chicken but he really wanted to suck on the bone.

Sigh.  Why can't baby making be easy?

Friday, May 30, 2014

Another Pregnancy Another Miscarriage

I was pregnant again...very briefly.

Looks like Baby C was nothing more than a chemical pregnancy.

When all hope looked lost for an ovulation this last time around I ovulated on CD33 just like the previous cycle.

Obnoxious that I'm ovulating on CD33, but hey...at least I'm ovulating and at least I'm ovulating regularly.

Anyway, my cat informed me that I was pregnant and so I took a test at only 10 days past ovulation.

How, do you ask, did my cat tell me I was pregnant?

He started sleeping with me again.  Most of you won't remember this but during my pregnancy with Jett my cat started sleeping up next to me instead of at the foot of the bed or in his cat bed.  Well, at 8DPO he started sleeping with me again so at 10DPO I took a test.

Lo and behold...it was positive.

I took a test every day from that point on and the line got darker up until 13DPO.  Then at 14DPO it was definitely not any darker, but not lighter either. 

But I had a sneaking suspicion that this pregnancy was not going to continue.

That night my cat didn't sleep with me.

And at 15DPO the line was so faint that it was almost non-existent.

And later in the day...it was gone completely. 


My cat is my new early pregnancy detector.

So, there you have it, 3rd pregnancy ended almost as soon as it began.  I would have only been 4w1d when the line disappeared, if I was a normal person I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant.

I wish I didn't know.

That's 3 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages and only 1 baby.  My statistics are looking dreadful.

Though my ovulation statistics are looking AMAZING.  Only 5 ovulations but 3 pregnancies.

So there's a bright side.

At least, I'm going to pretend there is.

I'm sad.  But I'm not as sad as I was with the first miscarriage.  This is just a drop in the hat compared to that.

But it sucks, it really really sucks.

Not only am I plagued with infrequent ovulation and LONG cycles that make getting pregnant anything but simple but apparently getting pregnant isn't all I have to contend with as we add a 2nd miscarriage into the mix.

Now just waiting for my period...and onto the next cycle.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

What Do You Mean Weaning Was Easy???

Today I decided to linkup with these mamas over here for their One Year and Beyond series.

Today's topic:  Weaning.

Hot button topic for me.

Over and over again I hear the same thing when the topic of weaning comes up (and let's be honest, I'm nursing an almost 2 year old everyone asks me when I'm going to wean at this point) I hear how easy weaning was.  They stopped offering one feed, kid hardly noticed, they got rid of another, kid still didn't notice, etc etc until they were fully weaned like a week later.

And all I have to say is, WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT WAS SO EASY???

Weaning has become one of the most challenging aspects of motherhood to date for me.

All efforts to wean have been thwarted by my toddler.  We began the weaning process 9 months ago and we've whittled it down to 4 (sometimes 3) nursing sessions a day. But it has been anything but easy and it feels like we're a long way from completely weaned.

He is fiercely determined to continue breastfeeding.

We started at 1 year with Don't Offer, Don't Refuse.  I stopped offering but he kept asking and since I wasn't refusing we were still nursing roughly 8 times a day, every few hours through the day (he was sleeping through the night at that point so that's 8 times DURING THE DAY!)

Since that landed us exactly nowhere and I was looking for my period to start we began being a little more proactive in our weaning approach in that when he'd ask I'd try distraction, water and food.  If he still wanted milk I would give it to him.

The result?  We'd have several mini-meltdowns every day because he REALLY REALLY wanted the milk and toys, games, food and water WERE NOT THE SAME AS MILK and he knew it.

I even tried sippy cups of almond milk because he understands that we put milk on our cereal but no...he definitely knew milk in the sippy was not the same as milk from the boob.

After a few days of this I gave up on weaning because EVERYONE ELSE SAID IT WAS EASY and this was so far from easy that I decided something wasn't right.

If Jett was SO DETERMINED to continue nursing perhaps it wasn't the right time and I should let it go for awhile.

So I did, I let it go.  I quit trying so hard and I let him have milk whenever he wanted it.

And he wanted it all the time.

At some point, 18 months?  I got a little fed up with the situation and decided I wasn't going to nurse in public anymore, so we started our nursing rules.  

Jett likes rules.

If we were at the park and he wanted milk then I would explain that we only nurse at home and if he wanted milk we were going home, this actually worked as he rarely wanted to leave the playground/park or wherever we were and even if he did by the time we got home he'd completely forgotten he wanted milk.

FINALLY, some progress.

We've continued with the rules, which amusingly Jett does really well with.  He's a big rule follower.

We've made some more progress and now the rules are: milk is only for wakeup and bedtime.  And he gets it, he understands.  If it's an hour before bedtime and he wants milk and I tell him milk is for bedtime, HE GETS IT and he waits.  Which means WE'RE FINALLY DOWN TO 4 NURSING SESSIONS A DAY.

Obviously the next step is getting rid of the daytime nap nursing sessions...but I'm not sure how to create a rule around that, milk is only for morning and nighttime? 

So here we are 21 months and still nursing with the deadline of wean by 2 years old that I gave myself looming overhead.

Someone, anyone, please tell me that there's someone else who's had trouble weaning???  It can't possibly be THAT easy for everyone!

Monday, May 12, 2014

Frustration

CD31.

No signs of ovulation.

Frustration isn't quite the right word to describe how I'm feeling, but it'll do.

I naively and hopefully thought when my period showed up in March that meant we had 5 months, ie. 5 cycles to try to conceive naturally before we headed to the RE for some Clomid come August, Jett's 2nd birthday and our deadline we gave ourselves to be preggers with Baby #2.

But it looks like once, one ovulation, was all my body was willing to give.

Lefty is starting to get all achy again, and do you know what that means?  It doesn't mean ovulation, it means CYSTS!  Oh yes, my troubled troubled left ovary seems to be working on some cysts again. 

I knew when we conceived Jett that we have gotten unbelievably lucky in that a) I ovulated and b) we timed things right to actually conceive a baby, but in the back of my mind I always figured if I could ovulate once I could ovulate twice...I guess I was wrong.

At least things were timed right for my one ovulation, we tried and we know it wasn't an opportunity wasted.  That would have ate at me.

I'm not against Clomid, Clomid worked well for me at a very low dose and even helped get me pregnant the first time...but this time I'm still nursing which means if I can't ovulate and we can't get pregnant...I have to officially wean Jett.

I'm not ready for that yet.  And Jett definitely isn't ready for that yet.

I know 21 months is a good long time to nurse and it's well beyond how long many people nurse...but I wanted the end of our nursing relationship to be on OUR terms...not on the terms set by my body's inability to ovulate and our desire to have children closer than 3 years apart.

Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

And the pregnancy announcements just keep coming.  From all angles, friends, family, Facebook, bloggers, all the mamas at the playground, everyone is pregnant it seems and so very many of them with babes Jett's age...or younger.

Like so many of us I pretended that once we had the first baby all future pregnancies would be easy and in fact Jett's conception led credence to that fallacy as my first pregnancy was hard to come by but the second was easy peasy!

The hope that future pregnancies would be easy only makes the reality that much more devastating.

So here we are again, almost exactly 3 years later, waiting for my body to do what it's supposed to do and being devastated over and over again as 30 day cycles become 60 day cycles and 60 day cycles become 90 day cycles.

And infertility rears it's ugly head once again.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

One Cycle Down

Well...I'm not pregnant.

Aunt Flow turned up just 12 days after I ovulated resulting in a 44 day Cycle, which is better than 48 days but means that my luteal phase is now only 11 days long.

It used to be 15...that's quite a change.

Anyone else have significantly different luteal phase post baby?

I know 11 days is still long enough to achieve a pregnancy, but...barely.  I think 10 is the minimum.

I must admit I was really REALLY hoping I was pregnant and I may have peed on like 17 different pregnancy tests starting at like 7 DPO.  Crazy right?  I peed on one and that was it, I couldn't stop.

I just couldn't help myself, it has been SO long since I peed on a pregnancy stick.

Luckily the stark white negative was not nearly as crushing as it used to be.

But still...wouldn't that have been nice and so EASY to not have to wait 30 more days FROM NOW just to ovulate?!

Have I mentioned how much I hate these long cycles.

At least I ovulated.

Bright side people, bright side.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I've only got a few chances at this the old fashioned way before the oves get all cysty and useless again.

So, one cycle down...wish me luck that cycle 2 is the lucky one!!!

And in other news this little cutie has definitely hit his language explosion.



He says mama and papa correctly and ALL THE TIME now...so cute.  He also says milk when he wants milk instead of just using the sign, again...so cute.  He repeats almost anything we say and is adding to his vocabulary daily.

LOVE this age.  Can they just stay 20 months forever?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Ovulate - Mission Possible

You know how bloggers find out they're pregnant and then disappear for awhile because they can't think of anything else to blog about and they're not ready to tell the blogosphere about their pregnancies?

Well that's not what happened to me.

I'm not pregnant.

Or...if I am I won't know it for a few weeks.

I've just been really busy NOT ovulating.

But finally, FINALLY CD35 and I THINK I may have finally ovulated 2 days ago.

Oh how I hate these long cycles!

To think that "normal" women would have ovulated and had a period or found out they're pregnant already by now.  28 day cycles???  Who has those?  The rate this one is going if I did in fact ovulate it would mean a 48 day cycle.

If I'm not pregnant I'm going to cry, I have to wait 48 days each and every time?!

Anyway, right around CD28 I started to lose my shit, got all depressed and pissy, and then CD29 gobs and gobs of EWCM showed up.  I took like a thousand OPKs and while I'm pretty sure the darkest one of them isn't officially a positive, it was close enough for me as I've only ever had one positive OPK and it was a Clomid cycle.  I don't think OPKs like my fucked up PCOS hormones.

Jett was made with a negative OPK.

What do you think?


Did I get a Positive?

I peed on a digital one at some point in there but it was a negative as well.  But at least one of those looks like it's the same color as the test line right?

The next day all the EWCM went away and the line lightened, so even if I didn't ovulate something was ALMOST about to happen and...there's hope I guess. 

More proof that I only ovulate immediately proceeding a pregnancy.

Anyway, this morning FertilityFriend finally concurred that I did in fact ovulate, so...now it's more waiting.

 
My husband was away for the vast majority of this cycle but conveniently was around for the exact 2 days that my EWCM showed up and as you can see, things were ahem...well timed.

Everyone cross your fingers for me that those temps stay up and this isn't a "fake" ovulation!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Things I Didn't Think About When Naming My Child

You all might remember that Jett's birthday is just 10 days before mine.  This means we share a birthday month.

Jett and I also share initials.

This wasn't on purpose.  In fact it was a few days after we'd had him before I realized he had the same initials as me.

We were stuck for boys names...we pretty much had exactly one name, so when he came out a boy it was done.

But alas he is JLB and so am I.

At first I thought it was sweet, his name is full of meaning, his first name is a surname from my paternal side of the family and his middle name is a first name from Dom's paternal side of the family.  And then the initials are the same as mine?  So cute, right?

It turns out it's kind of obnoxious.

I'm a sucker for letter necklaces.  I love my B necklace and I've worn it for years.  I bought it before I was married and then conveniently married someone with the same first letter of his last name so it still works.

Then when Jett was born I wanted to get a J but SO ANNOYING THAT MY INITIAL IS ALSO J because I now walk around with my J and my B and anyone who knows my name probably just assumes I'M A BIG FAN OF MY OWN INITIALS.

Ugh, I kind of wish now that he has his own initial so that I'm OBVIOUSLY wearing HIS INITIAL around my neck and not my own.


I also really want this:


But again...if I get a J it's just like it's for me.

Live and learn.  It's only something Jett and I have to deal with OUR ENTIRE LIVES.

Next baby will have his/her own initials.

First baby FAIL!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Will I or Won't I?

I'm obsessing slightly.

I know.

But I took a 2.5 year break from it...it's ok to start again.

I'm on CD13 and I've been peeing on lots of things. With no results.

I should NOT be surprised as even when I ovulate it's well into the CD20's, I think once it was CD23, another CD29 and one of those was even a Clomid cycle!

So...why would I ovulate anywhere near CD13?

The answer is that I won't!  So why have I started to feel a little sting everytime I pee on a stick that doesn't show me a second line?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Somehow I've convinced myself that not only will I ovulate my first cycle postpartum but that it will be a totally normal cycle and I will ovulate right around...CD13.

For the record I peed on an OPK that gave me a big fat negative about an hour before we conceived Baby Jett so...I'm aware that OPK's don't really work for me.

But I pee on them anyway.

Makes me feel productive and PROACTIVE like I'm not just passively waiting to ovulate.

Even Fertilityfriend is telling me I'm going to ovulate soon.

Maybe this is all her fault.  She's feeding me false information.

Anyway, I don't want to do this mindfuck cycle after neverending 90 day cycle, so fingers crossed Fertilityfriend isn't just messing with me and I'm actually going to ovulate sometime soon!

Will I ovulate or won't I???

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Is it Time to Pee On Something Yet?

I'm only on CD8 and yet I'm convinced that I should be peeing on things.

When does the peeing start?

I mean, I had my PERIOD for goodness sake CLEARBLUE EASY FERTILITY MONITOR, don't you UNDERSTAND?  Surely I should be peeing on ALL THE THINGS!

And yet...my monitor just sits there with it's stupid single line telling me to fucking relax and that I can start peeing on things in a few days.

What a bitch.  She doesn't understand the urgency.

And my thermometer.

She's a bitch too.

My temperature is still uber high, like if I hadn't just had my period it would convince me I'd already ovulated high.  98.1 is a post-ovulation temperature THERMOMETER.

She doesn't get it either.

And FertilityFriend...FertilityFriend...I hate to say it but she's no better, she's also a bitch.

Look at this:


What the fuck is this?  This is basically the worst chart I've ever seen.

The best she can do is tell me that I might ovulate in that green 2 week period and that my period might be like a thousand years long.

She hasn't told me to pee on anything either.

Bitches all of them.  All of my TOOLS aren't helping me, they're messing with me.

And since none of these bitches are being helpful, someone tell me WHEN DOES THE PEEING START?  Pretend I had a normal cycle, like a predictable 28 day cycle (hahahaha, I can hardly write that without laughing hysterically), when do I start peeing on things???

Clearly I'm obsessing, I GET IT, but I promise I'm not on the crazy train yet, I'm just REALLY REALLY EXCITED!

I'll start getting crazy and depressed somewhere around CD28 when I still haven't ovulated.

For now I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO START PEEING ON THINGS.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Baby Jett - 18 Months

He's 18 months (alright we're actually at 19 months...i'm a little late).

Holy shit.

Where does the time go?

One minute he's a screaming newborn the next he's a walking talking KID!  Yeah...tell that to the me from a year and a half ago with a screaming newborn...the days are long but the years are short.

At A YEAR AND A HALF (!!!!)  Baby Jett is pretty awesome.

Tall and skinny still at:

Weight: 21 lbs 10 oz. (18th percentile)
Height: 32 3/4 inches(70th percentile)

He sleeps through the night like a champ.  We stick him in the crib with Bear...and Other Bear...and a sippy cup...and a toy car...and sometimes a book (the list is ever growing, it used to be just Bear he needed, the crib is getting crowded!), tell him good night and he points at the door and says "go".  He rolls around and plays with Bear and all his stuffed animals and the car and reads for a good 15 minutes, even half hour some nights but then at some point...he just goes to sleep.  There's no more crying, no more going in there every 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc etc.  Just say good night and leave and he does the rest!

Can I tell you just how liberating that is?  And just HOW MUCH CONFIDENCE I have going in for Round #2 (NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT, just hopeful thinking). Those sleepless nights really don't last forever...I have proof now =)

He does the same for naps.  We read a story, I tell him it's time for his nap then put him in the crib with Bear and again, lots of playing and rolling around until he's ready, but then he just goes to sleep!

He's down to one nap a day and it ranges anywhere from 45 minutes to 2.5 hours...with the norm being an hour and a half.  But man I really enjoy those 2.5 hour nap days.

He has become very very PARTICULAR in his old age, see above, ALL those things must be in the crib for him to happily go to sleep.  Things need to be done JUST SO or we have a bit of a meltdown.  Huge fan of routine this one.

I like this in that he KNOWS what's happening next and goes along with it because it's what is SUPPOSED to happen but come on Jett sometimes the book can go on a DIFFERENT SHELF and it will all be ok!  This is his father through and through...mommy really isn't so particular about how things need to be done.  Dom always tells me there's a "right" way to do things...Jett seems to agree.

Case in point.  He goes to get his shoes, jacket and hat when he wants to go outside because he knows these are the things that are SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN before he goes outside.


 He also sits down to have his shoes taken off when he comes back inside.  I must admit...that part is pretty cute.

He loves cleaning and putting things away.  He likes to take his diaper wipes out one by one and "clean" things and then throw the dirty ones away.  He cleans the floor, he cleans Bear, he cleans himself, he cleans me.  Clean clean clean.  He's also a huge fan of making a big mess with his paints and drawing all over his little kitchen and shopping cart and table and then going to get the dishtowels to clean it all up.  I think he makes the mess just so he can clean it.  Same goes for when he drops food or drinks on the floor, off he goes to clean it up with a dishtowel!  This is my mother through and through.



Anything that is taken off a counter or out of a drawer always must be put "back" when he's done with it.  He says "back" a lot.

Not a huge talker but he gets his point across.  Though over the last 2-3 weeks he's continually adding more daily.  He says dog, cat, duck, bear, down, car, truck, dad, clock, bike, go, keys, back...maybe I'm missing one or two, but not a lot.  And I swear he says banana.

He may not say a ton but he definitely understands EVERYTHING.  I'm amazed at the comprehension.

Still nursing.  We've had a few days when Dom was home where we only nursed 3 or 4 times and that was amazing, but now Dom's traveling for the next week and...we're back to lots of nursing.  Not sure what I can do when I'm on my own with him 24/7...

Gave up on his high chair months ago.  That thing only got 6 months use...what a waste of money!  He loves his booster seat though and will happily climb up into it when you tell him it's time to eat.

NOT a big fan of eating still.  Ever day is a struggle.  What will Jett eat today?!  Though he is getting better about telling me what he DOES want to eat, as in he can make it known that he would like to eat cereal and apples for dinner rather than chicken and broccoli.  I would love to be one of those moms who puts him in his seat, gives him dinner and that's that.  If he eats it, GREAT and if not then he goes to bed hungry.  Unfortunately since we're still nursing he just makes up for what he doesn't eat with BOOB JUICE and since we're trying to wean...that's not gonna work.  So many a night he gets away with eating something other than what I've made him.  Short order cook over here!

He does stairs walking upright with no help other than the railing.  Many a day he's made it all the way up the stairs before I get around to following him.  Going down...ugh, our stairs aren't carpeted so he's not allowed to go down by himself, but really we're just spotting him, he does and can do it by himself.

LOVES the car.  And what I mean by that is he loves to get in the driver's seat and "drive" the car.  Pretty much if I'm going anywhere I have to add an extra 10 minutes leeway time to get where I'm going because Baby Jett needs to drive for a bit.  He can find both mommy and daddy's cars parked on the street and proudly declares "dad" for dad's car and just "car" for mom's...sigh...is he ever going to call me mama?



Also is really into TRAINS (Oh Thomas the Tank Engine...I hate you) and tools and bikes and is SUCH A BOY.  The garage is his favorite place in whole house.  And Dom's tools...oh the tools.  The tools are the greatest thing in the whole wide world except for boobs as far as Jett is concerned.  They're almost as great as boobs.  But the boobs still win.  I fear this will be an ongoing thing in Jett's life, tools and boobs, ah well...it starts early.

Has opinions about EVERYTHING.  What he wants to eat, what he wants to wear, what toys belong where, what plate he'd like to eat on, what utensil he'd like to use, and the list goes on and on.

Basically 18 months (19!) is my favorite age SO FAR, I love that he's a PERSON now...we've come so far.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Back in the Game

Guys...it finally happened.

After nearly 19 months...I finally got my first postpartum period.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

I have no idea if I'll be ovulating or not but just like that...I'm convinced that I can at least ovulate ONCE on my own and I'm back in it.

The thermometer is out.

The Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor is out.

FertilityFriend has been reactivated.

Yeah...I'm all in.

I have never been so excited for a period in all my life.

Of course I have convinced myself that I will be pregnant in no time, like oh a NOVEMBER BABY how quaint!  Because after all my problem has always been ovulating...not getting pregnant.

I have also convinced myself that I have one maybe two ovulations in me before the oves get all cysty again.  So...it's now or never.

But one period does not ovulation make!

Yeah...tell my brain that.

It's not listening.  All it can hear is PERIOD = FERTILITY.

IRONICALLY as much as my body is telling me to make more babies the thought of a newborn still makes me want to throw up.

I want more CHILDREN but I do not want to do that whole newborn thing again.

I cringe when I see mamas with little tiny babies now, ESPECIALLY if they've got an older one in tow.  Can I really go through that again?

I KNOW that the newborn period was/is extremely short and only a year and a half later my kid is really cool and he's a PERSON now and not a screamy little blob...but really...can I skip that part?

Look at me, I'm talking like I'm pregnant already.

ONE STEP AT A TIME GIRLFRIEND.

So, temping...I've found my temps to be extremely high, especially for the follicular phase, 98.1 this morning on CD1.  Two factors, it's a new thermometer and I'm nursing, could be affecting this but I'm curious...Anyone else find their temps to be completely different when they went in for Round #2?  

I'm used to pre-ovulation temps being very low 96.8-97.1, any thoughts?  This is like starting all over, I feel like such a newbie!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Lovey

Jett made it nearly 18 months with no sign of ever wanting or needing any sort of lovey.

I introduced several over the last 6 months or so, I put all sorts of different stuffed animals or blankets or other loveys in the crib with him.  We even took some to the UK because I thought they would make sleeping in a strange crib more familiar.

But he never really gave a shit about any of them.  They were just sort of THERE in his crib, he definitely didn't take a shining to any one in particular.

So I figured he just wouldn't be a lovey kind of kid.

I must admit this made me a teeny bit sad because I was a blankey kid, I STILL have my baby blanket, so I kinda wanted him to have a blankey or a lovey of some sort.

But whatever, he's becoming his own person and if he didn't want a lovey then so be it.

Then one day out of the blue he found this bear sitting under a bench in our breakfast room:


And proudly declared "Bear!".  Since then he's pretty much had it with him at all times.

What's so special about this bear you ask?

Go ahead and click on that link.

Bear is actually a heating pad.  My husband's heating pad I should add.

He's full of beans or rice or something and when you stick him in the microwave he's like a heating pad and stays warm for awhile...that also makes him weigh like 5 pounds!  Bear is HEAVY, but Jett insists on bringing him everywhere these days.

It's fucking hilarious really.

He comes to the playground.


He brushes his teeth with us.


He eats with us.

 Sometimes he gets fed.

Sometimes he just gets to watch.

Jett would like to bring him into the tub, but he settles for Bear sitting nearby and watching. 


Bear gets to wear Jett's shoes.


Bear is always in the crib if Jett is in the crib.  If you try to take him out without also grabbing Bear, Jett will start saying "Bear" over and over again until you get Bear out too.
And just generally we like to cuddle Bear wherever we go.



Bear even gets put on the potty.

You get the picture, we love Bear.

 Cutest.  Thing.  Ever.

Pretty amazing how these tiny little babies become their own people isn't it?

Thursday, January 30, 2014

All These Preggos Are Making Me Crazy

Everyone is pregnant.

EVERYONE IS PREGNANT.

I feel like my entire blogroll is pregnant with Baby Deux (or 3) and everytime I open up a blog post about the SURPRISE (yes, all surprises I SWEAR) pregnancies I want to throw up a little bit.

The LOGICAL part of my brain is perfectly comfortable with the fact that I am not currently pregnant.  Baby Jett would just barely be over 2 if we were to get pregnant right this second, so a few months from now is TOTALLY COOL and actually ideal. 

But the INFERTILE part of my brain is freaking the fuck out.

Dear Period, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?  Yes, it was great that you stayed away for so long, but COME ON!  Time to grace me with your presence again!!!

I feel like I'm 13 again and all my friends have their periods and I haven't had mine yet.

Not cool body, NOT COOL.

Every time I choke down a glass of herbs or swallow another Vitex pill resentment wells up inside of me.

Why do I have to do all of this shit to ovulate?  Not even to get pregnant, just to OVULATE?!

I'm beyond frustrated with my body.
 
And then in other completely neurotic news, just the thought of a newborn makes me want to cry.  Not a good cry, the lock myself in my bathroom kind of cry.  WHY DO I WANT TO DO THAT ALL OVER AGAIN???  That whole newborn phase was HORRIBLE!

Baby Jett is awesome now, he SLEEPS and he EATS and he ENTERTAINS HIMSELF.  Why would I disturb the awesomeness???

Hard to understand how biology has such power over us.  But it does...it so does.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Weaning - 17 Months

I don't know where I've been or why I haven't been here.

Some days I really want to sit down and write some shit out on here...but most days I'm busy with life and really don't have the energy to come here.

We've been away from home since August and now that we're officially back home with no plans to go ANYWHERE until July we've been busy reintegrating ourselves back into our old lives.

It's good to be back home.

And it's nice to sit down and put pen to paper and throw some shit out there.

Here's where we're at.  Jett is 17 months old, we're still nursing, we'd like to get going with Baby Deux but I still have not had a postpartum period.

This bums me out.

I would have liked to get my fertility back without having to fully wean.  The fact that one seems to be dependent upon the other SUCKS ASS.

I'm not ready to wean.

And neither is Jett.

We still nurse like a million times a day.  Minimum nursing sessions are probably 5 and max is like he's a newborn with 8 or 9.  He goes 12 hours at night no problem but during the day he'll nurse every few hours.

Seventeen months old and he won't go more than a few hours without a least a little boob snack.

Awesome.

I did have a bunch of friends with kiddos around the same age who were all still nursing as well...at 16 months, then suddenly we hit 17 months and one by one they've all managed to successfully wean WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEMS and now I'm the last man standing.

I've tried everything that they and others have suggested.

Don't offer and Don't refuse, yeah...we've been doing that since 12 months.  He asks for milk A LOT and since I'm not refusing, we nurse a lot.

Offer alternatives when he wants milk...we've been doing this since 15 months when he started eating again (4 molars came in at the same time and he didn't eat much from October - December and breastmilk was once again his main source of nutrition) but alternatives such as snacks or activities only keep him distracted for a few minutes at which point he realizes once again that he requested milk and hasn't had it yet.

Remove nursing sessions one by one...this one requires more of a schedule than we have as only morning and bedtimes are the ones that happen with any semblance of regularity.  But we're trying this.  Dom has taken over mornings, gets Jett up and takes him downstairs for breakfast and I come down about half hour later.  Jett has a full belly at this point and will still nurse but he doesn't nurse AS LONG.  Baby steps people, baby steps.

A big part of the problem I know is that I'm not ready to be done.  Most people who have weaned have expressed a desire to be done...and they make it so.  It's their motivation.  I have no motivation other than Baby Deux and with Baby Deux being such an unknown ie. could never happen, it's hard to stop something that I love doing for a something that may or may not happen.

But in the interest of being more proactive rather than just sitting back and waiting for a period that may never come, aside from the attempt at cutting back on nursing I'm also back on Vitex and started acupuncture and herbs again.  

This is all too familiar territory.  

It takes me right back to 2010 when I tried every trick in the book to get my body to ovulate on it's own. 

With NO success.

It took Clomid to get me to ovulate for Pregnancy #1 and a miscarriage to get me to ovulate for Pregnancy #2.  I was really hoping Pregnancy #2 would be enough to let me ovulate so we could move on to Pregnancy #3.

Clearly that was too much to hope for.

Jett is just shy of 18 months, I figure we've got about 6 months before we a) wean, because Jett and I just really aren't ready yet and b) try more drastic measures if AF never shows up, ie. Clomid.

Sigh.

In other news because I had a boy instead of a girl Baby Jett gets his hair did with mommy in the mornings now.

So stylish right?