Friday, January 20, 2012

Anonymous Bitch

I'm dedicating a whole post to this because:

a) this is my first anonymous bitchy comment...I feel like my blog is a "big girl" now, like she's all grown up and big enough to be getting bitchy comments =)


b) bitchy anonymous commenter actually brought up an interesting topic to blog about!  Thanks Bitchy Anonymous Commenter!

So, here is her comment:

FFS, you are a "fertile." You've been pregnant twice, and although miscarriage is sad it's very common. I understand that you may have identified yourself as infertile prior to becoming pregnant on an unmedicated cycle, but your continued use of the term "infertile" to describe yourself is insensitive to women who have never been pregnant despite numerous invasive procedures. 

Here's my thoughts.

First, HAHAHAHAHAHA, me, fertile?  Are you fucking kidding me?  If you remove the 18 months prior to this second pregnancy, then SURE, I'm fertile.  Can we do that?  Just remove the part of our TTC journeys that don't produce desirable results?  GROOVY, I'm in.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I consider myself infertile.  Even if I can manage a successful pregnancy at some point, infertility is still a part of me.  And btw, I'm only at 10 weeks of this pregnancy, I'm so glad AB (that's anonymous bitch) is so confident in my ability to bring this pregnancy to term!  You can't erase the journey that has brought me here, you can't lift the veil of infertility so easily.

If you wanna get technical...and medical, infertility is defined by the inability to conceive after one year of trying.  Even if we take out everything since the miscarriage it was more than a year before I got pregnant the first time...and only with the help of my good friend Clomid.

But the inability to conceive is not the all-inclusive definition of infertility, it includes women who have conceived successfully but cannot bring a child to term.  Are you really gonna tell a woman who has had 8 miscarriages that just because she can get pregnant without medical assistance that she isn't infertile?  Are you going to tell someone who has had failed IVF and then suddenly ended up pregnant without medical assistance that she isn't infertile?  Is IVF somehow the end all, be all of infertility?  Only invasive medical procedures make you infertile?

I have an anovulatory disorder, DIAGNOSED, that makes it damn near impossible for me to ovulate, I have ovulated 3 times in 18 months, twice with medical assistance, once a total fluke.  ONCE on my own since coming of birth control more than 2 years ago.  I'm pretty sure I just stated 2 facts that in fact make me infertile regardless of how many times I have been pregnant and how I ended up pregnant. 

1. It has been 18 months since we started trying to have a baby and I am still childless.

2. Ahem, I don't ovulate.

The crazy lucky conception that happened the one time I ovulated on my own, is exactly that, CRAZY FUCKING LUCKY.

Now, regarding AB's comments about miscarriage.  I've never said my miscarriage makes me infertile.  It actually has very very little to do with the infertility.  It is an extra pile of shit that was thrown at me AFTER dealing with infertility for a year.

But the miscarriage is also what finally brought me to my knees in my journey.  It was my breaking point, where I finally broke down, really came out on my blog as infertile and sought help and support from all of you wonderful ladies.  I'd been dealing with anovulation, 105 day cycles, naturopaths, acupuncturists, Clomid and trigger shots all without saying much here, but it was the miscarriage that took my infertility to a new level of hell.

So, everyone give me your thoughts?

At what point in your journey did you become "infertile"?  Not necessarily medically diagnosed, but when you finally gave in and accepted that baby making wasn't going to be easy and that you may in fact have a problem and started to relate to the "infertiles" more than the "fertiles"?

My point came when I finally broke down and made that first RE appt, fully aware that they were going to prescribe me Clomid and I was taking my first step down the unknown road of infertility treatments.

And all of you others who are pregnant after infertility right alongside me, with or without medical assistance, do you still consider yourself infertile?  

And to anyone who's had a baby after infertility, do you still consider yourself infertile?

And just in case anyone else thinks AB has a point, does anyone consider me insensitive for continuing to use the term infertile to describe myself?


  1. OMG - those kind of comments make me want to slap the person!

    I think once you have experience infertility you will always class yourself as infertile, regardless of where you are on the journey. Yes, some of us are lucky and progress on and have a child, but that does not mean we are no longer infertile, the underlying issue and emotional trauma can still be present.

    According to this persons statement I guess I would be fertile too - 3 pregnancies in 3 years... our first bfp came after 7 months of trying and resulted in a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks, our second bp came 22 months later after our 2nd IUI attempt and resulted in a chemical pregnancy, our third time lucky bfp came 5 months later from IVF with ICSI 3 years after we began this journey. We are still not believing it's happening till I hold our LO in my arms.

    Our RE diagnosed us with unexplained infertility, but I guess this random woman know better than our RE with all his experience and medical tests.

  2. I feel like that I became "infertile" after a year of trying with no success, starting diagnostics, and moving to an RE and starting fertility meds. For me, it's basically anything that you have to "do" beyond yourself to get pregnant.

  3. I can finally comment on your blog! I don't know what's been wrong but I haven't been able to leave a comment on yours for a few days. So....I want to say congratulations on a great appointment! I was so happy to hear that everything looks great and baby's heart is still beating strong!

    Screw that AB! People need to realize everyone faces their own struggles when it comes to infertility. We may not all go down the exact same path, and infertility comes in all different forms. It's funny because I don't think I even considered myself an infertile for a long time after my PCOS dx. I think it was probably after my first loss (months after my dx) where I finally admitted that we were dealing with infertility. I think I will always consider myself an infertile - I don't think that feeling ever goes away no matter how many children a person may be lucky enough to go on to have.

    I don't think you're insensitive at all. You have had a long journey to get where you are today. And even though I hope so much that you get your takehome baby, your journey to holding your little one in your arms is far from over. Unfortunately, us infertiles know all to well what can happen.

  4. Wow, and that is why I don't allow anon comments. Ridiculous. I became infertile after 4 miscarriages and diagnosis of a Balanced Translocation. Yes, I may be pregnant now, but I worked dang hard for this pregnancy. Although, I guess I did IVF so maybe I still earn the term via anon's comment.

  5. I think I started to realize there was a "problem" after about 6 months of trying. But we persevered and got pregnant after 8 cycles of trying (9 or 10 months of trying). Then I miscarried and was also brought to my knees. At that point, I labeled myself infertile and also - for the first time - had a doc tell me I was "infertile." It hadn't even been a year.

    So, to AB - to whom I will give a little more credit than Jesica is able at this point and will give you the benefit of the doubt that perhaps you are hurting beyond belief that you have never been able to get pregnant - I tell you this: I, as an INFERTILE who has been pregnant twice over a 2 year period and have yet to get past 6 weeks pregnant, I would much rather have NEVER EVER EVER had those moments of joy and bliss where I thought my journey was over. Where I thought I had finally beaten infertility. If I hadn't had those 2 shining rays of light over the last 2 years, we'd probably have done IVF a year ago. I'd be much further along in this process. The grass is always greener, which is why I sit here and tell you I wish I'd never gotten pregnant. But please please please do not be an infertile who hasn't learned NOT TO JUDGE from this process. If Jesica identifies as an infertile (and I agree that she is), then let her. What does it matter to you. Aren't we all failing one way or another at the same goal? We can't be attacking each other. It doesn't make any sense.

  6. To answer your first question: I realized after six months of trying (including four medicated cycles and IUIs) that pregnancy was not going to come easily to me. I have PCOS and am of advanced maternal age (I'm not even sure if I can use the term maternal when I've never been pregnant), so this doesn't come as a surprise. I'm still waiting to see an RE and to hear the words "infertile" from a doctor, but I'm sure it's inevitable.

    To answer your last question: no, you are not insensitive in using the term infertile to describe yourself. You clearly meet the medical criteria for a diagnosis of infertility. The fact that you've gotten pregnant doesn't change your history.

  7. You are choosing to share an experience that happened to you and however you choose to cope and relate to your experience is up to you. I don't consider myself infertile. I ovulate every month. We got pregnant once. I miscarried. We are STILL trying and it's been well over a year. I'm trying to decide at what point I go back to the doctor and say help me! Because I want to believe it can still happen. It did once right?

    I digress. I have such a problem with insensitive/rude anonymous posts. If you don't like what I have to say or you're just a mean person, well, then don't read my freaking blog. I stopped reading blogs because I couldn't stand the people writing them. But did I leave a rude comment about them? No. It serves no purpose.

    This is YOUR blog. It's YOUR outlet. Write what you want.

  8. I wonder if it's the same person who commented on my blog under annonoymous. Someone kept leaving me really rude comments that I did not post because I moderate all comments. Finally, I changed it so you couldn't leave anonymous comments. Haven't heard from her since.

    Anyway, don't listen to that bitch. She's just jealous, out of line and completely wrong!

  9. Glad you just educated bitchy annonymous person. She clearly cannot empathize with situations other than her own, and hasn't done the research and kept an open mind. Hopefully, she'll come back to your blog and get a better understanding of IF.

    I also started feeling like there was a problem after about 6 months, then refused to call myself infertile until about 16 months. I just thought I needed some intervention. But now I am a nearly two year full fledged infertile and proud of it. Never a pregnancy. Glad to call myself an infertile an be associated with this great group of STRONG women that are all different, but very much like me. Glad I'm not alone.

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  11. You're awesome Jesica. Way to be honest and put it out there. Not related to this post, but from our earlier discussion you enlightened me about the word 'infertile.' It's not as scary as I once thought.

    My general thoughts - getting pregnant isn't a competition!!! I'm dealing with enough negativity concerning that in my off-line life and really don't want to see it anywhere around here. I'm disappointed to see someone in the blog-sphere making it out to be that way. Blogs about infertility, fertility challenges, or the TTC path don't have room for jealousy or negativity. The goal is support, advice, and friendship in my opinion. Celebrating the highs and the discussing the lows.

    Also, a miscarriage isn't sad. It's devastating AB. The fact that they are common is insignificant when it comes to your feelings. To be frank, sitting on a toilet for hours/days passing massive clots, a gestational sac, and a fetus is horrific.

  12. I am in a very similiar situation to you. I got pregnant the first time after "only" 9 months of trying, and then lost that pregnancy at 7 weeks. I then proceeded to have to try "on my own" for a year before my doctor would consider me infertile and would give me the referal to my RE. I had already been diagnosed as having PCOS prior to the first pregnancy.
    I then tried with Clomid & Femara (both separate and together) for a number of cycles, and never once did I ovulate.
    I chart, I temp, and prior to being told it was pointless for people with PCOS I peed on a TON of OPKs. I did not ovulate from my ovulation in March 2010 onward regardless of medical intervention. The only drug I showed any response to at all was provera which always quite reliably brought on AF. Which without I
    We tried our last clomid cycle in October.

    Then we decided we needed a break, I decided that since my body sucks at baby making at the very least it can be good at something else, and I registered for and started trainging for a half-marathon.

    I stopped charting but because after this long you start to know your body more intimately then a fertile I could not help but notice that I have FCM, so I figured why not and we bd in Dec. (on CD 35 so ironically would have been when I was starting the provera during a medicated cycle.)

    I am now 8.5 weeks pregnant. I got pregnant for the second time, on the second time I ovulated in three years.

    Your anonymous commenter is misinformed, I am infertile, and you are infertile. You have every right to use that term. Just because you did not undergo IVF does not stop you from being an infertile.

    I knew I was a "true infertile" the first time I went to a baby shower, surrounded by women and children and thought to myself "dear God there is a real chance I will never be a part of this club." The nights I cried after hearing about fluke pregnancies make me a "real infertile".

    The label sucks, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but you are certainly entitled to it. Your anonymous commenter is wrong, and quite frankly is a coward for not having the strength of character to at least leave their name.

    Congratulations on your pregnancy.

  13. Every infertility journey has a different path. Check out this blog She suffered through failed clomid, iui, ivf attempts several times over 5 years. She and her husband adopted a little boy and then, without any medical treatment at all, ended up being surprised and had 2 bio children of her own. Is she infertile with her bio kids? Uh, yea. Even if she hadn't done iui and ivf several times, she is still infertile.

    I myself struggled, a lot. I finally got pregnant (and I don't have a diagnosed disorder) and then had a missed miscarriage. And AB, if you think not getting pregnant at all is a heart break, try miscarriage when you have spent a lot of time trying to get pregnant in the first place. Try thinking you are pregnant for 9 weeks only to find out on an ultrasound that your baby has no heartbeat. Devastating. And to cap it off, your broken ass body didn't even know the pregnancy hadn't been viable for 3 weeks so now, you get to go in for a d&c. From joyfully pregnant to medical abortion in 24 hours. Oh and did I mention I got to pay my $1,000 deductible for the procedure? Double joy ! But at least I could get pregnant, right? Thanks for the sensitivity AB.

    Fast forward and 4 failed clomid cycles, this clomid induced monster I had become was sick and tired of being bitchy all the time. I got pregnant my first cycle clomid free. 2 years, a miscarriage, d&c, clomid And finally a viable pregnancy.

    Look, everyone who is infertile has their own struggles. Maybe you wish you could just get pregnant in the first place, even if it ends in miscarriage because at least you know you can get pregnant, right? Careful what you wish for AB. Miscarriage is hard, painful, crushing. I don't care that it's common. It sucks. And after you suffer one, no pregnancy is ever the same. The blissful happiness, it's hard to get back.

    Anywhoo, soap box. Apparently even on the "other side" of this journey, I still have it in me to get fired up!!

  14. For me, infertility is a state of mind as much as it is a physical thing. It's dealing with not being pregnant month after month, knowing your body (or your partner's body) can't do what it's supposed to on its own, it's suffering though miscarriages and chemical pregnancies and ART financial hardship. It's seeing your friends and your unemployed and ex-lesbian cousins get pregnant when you (and they) know they aren't ready. No matter how much I may want to, I will never be able to forget this time, ignore our struggles, or consider myself fertile. No matter how many babies I may have in the future.

  15. Go girl! Maybe AC just thought they were "imparting their wisdom" on you. People who haven't been there just don't understand.

    According to my Dr, she was pretty sure we had a prob after 6 months of trying. She was all ready to do tests and put me on meds to get us a baby.

  16. My whole deal is - if you're going to say something, at least identify yourself!

  17. God anon commentators piss me off. Somewhat makes you infertile then? I personally think someone who can't ovulate is technically much more infertile than me!! It took 18ths to get pregnant!!! That is infertile in my book!

  18. What???????? For Real????? Ignorant is the word you are looking for. Took us many years and doctors appointments before our two kids. Anonymous has a personality disorder.

  19. I dont think you are insensitive. this is your blog and its about your experiences. maybe this person is envious and given what you have gone through maybe try to understand that. i do think your anger is a little out of proportion. i dont think the comment was that bitchy. I commebted before that I lost a pregnancy too but was lucky enough to have a healthy baby. i like your comme t about having a big girl blog but more importantly you are the "big girl" by sharing the not so great comments too. i cant stand the bloggers out there that only show the glowing comments. its pure narcisism!! anway know its easier said than done but try to be more positive about your pregnancy and focus on this baby and not all the pain you have gone through. i tried hard to do that with my second pregnancy. i believe the positive energy and happy thoughts help growing baby. i of course do not suggest that negative feelings can do harm. keep up the great blog and i wish you a happy healthy little baby!

  20. I agree with everyone else. Saying bitchy shit Anonymously is weak! Anyone who has to seek medical help to have child whether it happened naturally or with science is suffering from some type of infertility.

  21. I just really hate when people try to define your life in their words. It's you life, your feelings, you experiences and EVEN IF you used the wrong word - it's you!

    Anonymous? Weak!

  22. You have been through a really tough road and definitely earn the title infertile. Sorry you had to be so hurt through that post :(

  23. Thanks for finding and commenting on my blog! It gave me a chance to find your's as well:-) Congratulations on your pregnancy and the heart beat!! I hope everything continues to go well.

    As for the topic of this post, it's an interesting question. To me 'being infertile' is partly externally ascribed - i.e. becoming identified and diagnosed as such by medical professionals. In your case it seems quite clear to me that since you are not ovulating naturally you are infertile. You need some kind of medical intervention to become pregnant.
    The other part of it is that 'being infertile' is also an identity we might each attribute to ourselves in different ways or alternatively try to deny or struggle with accepting based on the fact that we are childless (so far). This part I always found difficult. Especially being a couple like us diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Actually I have no idea if I am really infertile (as all appears normal) or if my husband is or if we both are in some unknown way. We just don't know the reason why we had been trying in vain for almost 6 years, including 6 IUIs. It therefore took me a long time to embrace and accept the 'tag' of infertility. Now that I have become pregnant after the first IVF attempt I think about it again. But in the end of the day it doesn't matter if I am personally infertile or not. As a couple we clearly are and we needed intervention in the form of IVF in order to become pregnant.

  24. I think that sometimes we get lost and find this to be the Pain Olympics (someone wrote that to me once and it's so true!)

    Sure, X had 2 miscarriages, but she has a live baby! I've never been pregnant! I'm the worse infertile!

    Isn't that the most dangerous line of thinking?