A Different Kind of Infertile

As we all know there are MANY different kinds of infertiles.  Each and every one of us has our own unique problems and reasons as to why we either cannot get pregnant or cannot carry a child to term.  Our individual journeys lead us down very different paths but we all share the same goal.

Mrs. Green Grass wrote today about how she picks which kind of infertility blogger she will follow, finding those with stories and journeys most similar to her own.  I think we all do this no?  I am always looking for others who have had at least one miscarriage and who's conception problems lie with an anovulatory disorder.

But lately I feel a little bit alone in where my journey has led me.  There seem to be few out there who are pregnant 8 weeks post-miscarriage and it's sort of an odd, lonely place to be where it feels like someone hit the repeat button on my life.  I am a different kind of infertile now.

I spent a year being the kind of infertile that doesn't ovulate and thus can't get pregnant on her own.

It was a shitty shitty year.

I can get pregnant now, I've managed twice in 5 months.

But I am still infertile.

This journey will always be with me, regardless of what the outcome may be.

Still infertile...just a different kind of infertile.  And it's a whole different kind of scary.

I am no longer scared of never being able to conceive again, which after the miscarriage was what tore me apart.  I felt like that was our ONE chance to have a baby and that once it was over, that was it, no baby for us.

My fears now lie solely with RPL (that's Recurrent Pregnancy Loss for those folks who are not versed in infertility speak).  Early in this pregnancy I prayed that if it all had to end that it would end early this time.  Somewhere before hitting 6 weeks and you can hardly even wrap your brain around that positive pee stick.

I've said that I've made peace with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy may be, and it's true, I have.  I have confidence that if we lose this one we will have another chance.  Does that make thoughts of miscarriage less scary?  No, but it makes them manageable.

So, where am I now?  I still do not ovulate...or do I???  And I still do not have a child and I am still only in the first i.e. scary! trimester of pregnancy.  But I've been pregnant twice in really quick succession and it's really hard to wrap my brain around the changes.

Oddly I still relate MOST to those who do not ovulate and those who have had a very recent miscarriage, regardless of the reasons for their infertility.  And yet NEITHER of these things really relate to where I am currently at in my journey.

And while yes, just like all the other pregnant after infertility bloggers out there, I do hope to turn this into a pregnancy blog...eventually, for now it has to remain a Paranoid About RPL blog.

I hope you are all good with that because you're not going to be getting weekly bump pics, nursery designs or gender discussions from this girl anytime soon!

Are there others of you out there?  Are there others who are hesitant to accept their pregnancies and wouldn't dream of buying any baby related items for months still???

And btw I am 9 weeks 2 days and I have less than a week for that damn ultrasound.