Friday, January 13, 2012

A Different Kind of Infertile

As we all know there are MANY different kinds of infertiles.  Each and every one of us has our own unique problems and reasons as to why we either cannot get pregnant or cannot carry a child to term.  Our individual journeys lead us down very different paths but we all share the same goal.

Mrs. Green Grass wrote today about how she picks which kind of infertility blogger she will follow, finding those with stories and journeys most similar to her own.  I think we all do this no?  I am always looking for others who have had at least one miscarriage and who's conception problems lie with an anovulatory disorder.

But lately I feel a little bit alone in where my journey has led me.  There seem to be few out there who are pregnant 8 weeks post-miscarriage and it's sort of an odd, lonely place to be where it feels like someone hit the repeat button on my life.  I am a different kind of infertile now.

I spent a year being the kind of infertile that doesn't ovulate and thus can't get pregnant on her own.

It was a shitty shitty year.

I can get pregnant now, I've managed twice in 5 months.

But I am still infertile.

This journey will always be with me, regardless of what the outcome may be.

Still infertile...just a different kind of infertile.  And it's a whole different kind of scary.

I am no longer scared of never being able to conceive again, which after the miscarriage was what tore me apart.  I felt like that was our ONE chance to have a baby and that once it was over, that was it, no baby for us.

My fears now lie solely with RPL (that's Recurrent Pregnancy Loss for those folks who are not versed in infertility speak).  Early in this pregnancy I prayed that if it all had to end that it would end early this time.  Somewhere before hitting 6 weeks and you can hardly even wrap your brain around that positive pee stick.

I've said that I've made peace with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy may be, and it's true, I have.  I have confidence that if we lose this one we will have another chance.  Does that make thoughts of miscarriage less scary?  No, but it makes them manageable.

So, where am I now?  I still do not ovulate...or do I???  And I still do not have a child and I am still only in the first i.e. scary! trimester of pregnancy.  But I've been pregnant twice in really quick succession and it's really hard to wrap my brain around the changes.

Oddly I still relate MOST to those who do not ovulate and those who have had a very recent miscarriage, regardless of the reasons for their infertility.  And yet NEITHER of these things really relate to where I am currently at in my journey.

And while yes, just like all the other pregnant after infertility bloggers out there, I do hope to turn this into a pregnancy blog...eventually, for now it has to remain a Paranoid About RPL blog.

I hope you are all good with that because you're not going to be getting weekly bump pics, nursery designs or gender discussions from this girl anytime soon!

Are there others of you out there?  Are there others who are hesitant to accept their pregnancies and wouldn't dream of buying any baby related items for months still???

And btw I am 9 weeks 2 days and I have less than a week for that damn ultrasound.


  1. Hey, I'm new to your blog :) I saw your comment over on MGG's blog post today and hopped on over here.

    I have a feeling that this is how I'll feel when I get pregnant again (Since July I've had one MC and one CP). I don't have the fear of not being able to conceive anymore but there's no way I'll be able to jump into that pregnancy optimism. I'm actually really worried about it.

    I'll be following along with your journey!

  2. I am right there with you. Just shy of 7 weeks, which is where I lost my last pregnancy in May 2010 (so not as recent as yours). I am also anovulatory and had a real feel prior to this bfp that I would never get pregnant again and that the pregnancy I lost was my one and only chance.
    Now I'm pregnant again but terrified of losing another baby. It is not normal or healthy to cry in terror when telling my DH that we had managed to create another baby. But I did.
    I haven't told people, other than DH, my BFF and my mom (aka the people that supported me in my last loss and I know would be there for me again.)
    My first u/s is next week on Monday to "date" the pregnancy. There are others were you are, you are not alone.

  3. We are all "different" kind of infertiles, aren't we? I mean, no one's situation is exactly like another woman's. This is precisely why I love this community so much. We may be infertile, but hey, at least we are interesting! ;)

    Can't wait for your ultrasound!!

    1. I guess I meant I became a different kind of infertile than I was previously and it's an odd transition to make, not that I was different than all other infertiles =)

    2. Ok, I gotcha... I'm a little on the slow side at times ;)

  4. The first time I got pregnant, I didn't have enough time to plan being pregnant. I miscarried too quickly. But when I got pregnant last July, I was over the moon and never thought lightning could strike twice. So within a week of finding out and being only 5 weeks pregnant, I had already started a blog on being pregnant (although I had shared with NOBODY) and hubby and I had started a college savings account. This time - if and when I get pregnant - I am pretty sure it'll be months and months and MONTHS before I'm comfortable doing anything pregnancy-related. Infertility has scarred me in that way.

  5. I tend to follow a range but get inspored by the tone and the style of he blog and the way they handle life. Until you have that scan you are going to be in no mans land. If like me you have no symptoms you just dont blog about fears and let your followers support you. Then when you are ready for the rest let us celebrate with you. I didn't do belly shots publicly till my 12 w scan I only did a meme at 15w. I keep waiting to wake up and this be over. It's so hard to accept when you have come down the road we have regardless of our version of IF xx

  6. Wish I was doing your ultrasound.

  7. I think being optimistic after a loss is the body's defense mechanism. Like "if the other shoe drops, I'm ready!!" It's hard to be confident when you've been devastated a huge blow before. Best wishes for a great u/s!

  8. I feel the same way. Even though I've been diagnosed with RPL, I often feel guilty when I talk to women with infertility because I'm able to get pregnant. Even though we waited what seemed like forever for our first, the two after didn't take long. But, I still feel guilty. I was afraid to tell some women who I knew miscarried when I was pregnant again. I felt bad, even though I know I had no reason to. You are at a lonely place right now, I can understand. I had a rough week this week, passing my first due date. THinking how could I go through that again. You're not alone.

  9. It makes sense you would be paranoid, especially right now! But good luck on your ultrasound, I am sending you good energy right now (can you hear it)...

  10. Isn't it funny how none of us would ever put ourselves in the "pregnant like normal people" category. You've crossed over, but you are still suffering. I pray for peace of mind for you throughout your pregnancy.

  11. Good luck! I can totally relate in so many ways. After the miscarriage suddenly AF is clock work and according to signs I'm ovulating? I'd like to think that the miscarriage put my body back "on track" but only the next BFP will confirm. I hope that is the case for u. Xoxo

  12. Although I'm not in your exact boat, I feel like I understand at least part of where you are coming from. Right now I'm dealing with anovulation and the frustrations around that. I can't imagine how it feels to miscarry, but I know enough to know that it would be crushing on a level that you can only really know if you've been through it. Regardless of what kind of infertile you are, I feel, at least for me, that there will always be a tentativeness to pregnancy that a fertile person will never know. I personally feel that even if I were to get pregnant, I couldn't ever relax fully because as an infertile I've been forced to look at pregnancy as something that is more fragile and special than a painted eggshell. I don't know if I ever will become pregnant, or if I will miscarry and then become pregnant...but I do know that I will forever look at pregnancy as a true honest to God miracle. In that way, I feel very lucky to be able to see it in that light. I am thinking of you as you approach that 10week ultrasound!

  13. Thanks for your comment on my blog. I just added you to my feed. It's nice to follow people who are at about the same place in the journey. Congrats on making it this far and fingers crossed for a great ultrasound.