Gestational Hypertension = Bullet Points

I have an appt tomorrow to recheck and discuss my high blood pressure.

Actually I have two appts.  One with my homebirth midwives in the morning, if my blood pressure is still high we discuss everything that is going to go down for my afternoon appt with the hospital midwives...and then shit gets real.  If I don't have high blood pressure anymore THAN I AM WORRYING FOR NOTHING.

I'm nervous.  I'm sure this is helping with the high blood pressure.

So, instead of discussing all the possibilities of what could happen tomorrow, including an induction if my blood pressure keeps rising, I'll sit back and wait until after my appts tomorrow to give you guys an update.

Today we'll do bullet points:

• We're at 37 weeks on Wednesday, technically baby is fully cooked and could come at any time...but I'd like my last month with the baby in the belly if at all possible.

• I've started looking at all the different ways I can try to induce myself if this high blood pressure doesn't resolve itself...unfortunately all is dependent on whether baby is ready to come out or not but come Wednesday we will start to try them ALL (except Castor Oil...not going there) rather than be induced at a hospital.  Oh right, WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT UNTIL AFTER TOMORROW.

• My BIRTH TUB arrives on Wednesday...holy shit guys!  Birth tub!  For birth!  In my bedroom! I'm totally going to be taking baths in my bedroom for the next month.

• My nursery still isn't done.  Back when I wrote about my nursery here I told you guys not to expect it to be done for another 10 weeks and I was totally joking...but here we are 7 weeks later and...not done.  Maybe I was spot on with that 10 week thing!

• Nursing bras.  Let's discuss.  I've never even pondered buying a nursing bra until yesterday when EVERYTHING hurt, including my boobs and I decided maybe it was time to look into nursing bras.  So, anyone buy them yet?  What brand do you like best?  Do I have to go try them on or can I buy that shit online?

• I have an appt to get my rib put back in place tomorrow and HOPEFULLY this will help these last few weeks of pregnancy be less miserable.  The back ache is making EVERYTHING impossible...including sleeping which up until now has NOT been a problem and I really do not want to spend the next 4 weeks sleeping this poorly.

• Perineal massage...ew.  I had 3 different midwives and one new mama recommend perineal massage...so we gave it a go and...I'm not a fan.  There is no evidence that says it helps prevent tearing but many midwives say it helps you get used to the sensation of stretching and be more able to relax into it when you hit that "ring of fire" of crowning during the pushing stage.  Fine, I see the logic, we did it a few times, and I understand what the burning stretching feeling will feel like.  It sucks, it feels awful.  But I think we're done with this now, it feels too much like an exam at a Dr.'s office and I hate that my husband is the one in the position of making me uncomfortable.  Anyone else try perineal massage and have a different view on it?

• Hemorrhoids.  Hemorrhoids suck.  I hate them more than constipation.  Anyone have a really good birth story with hemorrhoids in which ALL TURNED OUT OK and their intestines did not explode out of their ass and the aftereffects were not more painful than the vaginal lacerations and tearing already involved in pushing a human out of your nether regions?

And that's all I've got for today.  Everyone wish me luck that the acupuncture appt I will hopefully be able to get today will help with my hypertension and I will have nothing to discuss with you tomorrow!

What's the Opposite of Nesting?

Cause that's what I've been doing, the opposite of nesting.

It's probably just called procrastinating.

I'm like an expert procrastinator, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that I'm doing it now.

But I feel like with just 5 weeks left some of this "nesting" that I hear so much about should really be kicking in.

Instead I'm just sort of going through the motions. 

 I KNOW I need to do certain things like rent my birth tub and I DID finally do it, but man...it was not easy to motivate myself to JUST DO IT.  

Same with photographers, same with my birth kit, same with freezer meals, same with nursery.  I just can't seem to finish up the last little bit of "things" that need to get done before I pop this kid out.

I'm not even feeling overwhelmed or like I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO, I just can't seem to find the motivation to do the last few things.

Part of it is that I'm feeling absolutely exhausted these last few days.  I've gone back to getting up 4-5 times a night to pee (yet another indication that baby may have dropped, stomach less squished and bladder more squished) and when you're up every 2 hours I think you miss out on your REM sleep because a full sleep cycle is something like 3 hours?

I see some of you other preggos at this stage of pregnancy making lists and finishing everything up and really getting "ready" and I'm like BLAH, do I have to?  Do I REALLY need those freezer meals?  Do I REALLY need to finish the nursery?  Can't I just sleep until the baby comes at which point apparently I'm never going to sleep again?

This 5 week window of "full term" is kind of ridiculous.  Baby can come anywhere from 2 weeks to 7 weeks from now and all would be "normal".  But that's a pretty big window.

And if you're like me you like to put things off until the last minute.  OH YES I'm one of THOSE people.  Procrastinator to the end.  But when's the last minute?  It could be NOW, these could be our last 2 weeks...or it could be in 5 weeks, which means I have PLENTY of time...or it could be 7 weeks which means WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS STUFF NOW.

So, what's this little preggo to do?  I can't find the motivation without the deadline, but the deadline is SO ambiguous that it's almost NOT a deadline...the REAL deadline is August 29, which is when baby HAS TO HAVE MADE IT'S EXIT.

Big fat sigh.

Guess we'll just keep blogging instead of nesting.

Anyone else having trouble finishing up before baby?  Or are you all crazy Type A's with lists galore and you're all busy ticking boxes while I contemplate and blog about freezer meals instead of making freezer meals?

Nursery, Nursery, Nursery

When I wrote yesterday about feeling stalled on the blogging front a bunch of you expressed interest in hearing about my nursery.  Well, I wrote this post back in March just after our 18 week ultrasound.  I have no idea why I didn't post it then but I'm gonna go ahead and post it in it's entirety now because it's amusing and then I'll add a bit more at the end so you can all be up to speed on my nursery!

You all know I've had trouble with the nursery.

Trouble even saying the word nursery not DECORATING the nursery!

Decorating a nursery has been really really REALLY far from my mind.

So I've pretty much just ignored it.

BUT, that damn ultrasound kind of pushed us into action.

Instead of seeing a baby with no heartbeat (oh yes that's totally what I was imagining) we saw a little wiggler, heart pumping away...and it made me realize maybe we're actually having a baby in August!

I must say the growing belly helps immensely with the acceptance.  As it grows and makes certain activities more uncomfortable I'm forced to accept not only that we may be having a baby but that I may need to prepare for it.

So, we finally stepped foot in the nursery (that's right we don't actually go in there) and decided on a few things.

First thing we decided on? (Ok, fought about in a pregnancy induced hormonal outburst) is that the room we had designated for the nursery was not gonna cut it and that we needed to switch the guest room with the nursery.

The guest room is the best room of the house, it faces away from the street toward the garden, light pours in most of the day, it's a nice shape and the closet is actually a closet.

Our nursery (former nursery now) was rather dark with the only window on the side of the house that has a neighbor's house right next to it, it's kind of an oblong, long shape rather than square, and the closet is full of shelves, perfect for storing boxes and organizing but not so much for hanging baby clothes and baby things.

So we switched the rooms.

And I realized this might have been a huge reason why I was so hesitant to do anything with the nursery...I think I hated the room that we had designated as the nursery.

I'm much happier with the new arrangement.  I think the former nursery works MUCH better as a guest room and the former guest rooms works much better as a nursery.

So, now that furniture has been moved around we now have to decide on a nursery theme and pick out a damn crib.

Since we don't know the sex I'm thinking gray for the walls.

And then I googled.

Oh, how I hate google!

I googled gender neutral nurseries and guess what?

There are a million BEAUTIFUL nurseries and I am officially so overwhelmed that I'm back to being paralyzed.

Shit.

But then I stumbled upon this:

source

And remembered that I have this tucked away in a closet waiting for a baby:

And voila!

I THINK I DECIDED ON KOALAS!!!

Gender neutral, goes well with gray...perfect!

It also represents Australia a bit for us, since that's actually where we began our journey and of course where I bought the baby koala and also where I got the PCOS diagnosis and where we learned that baby making wasn't going to be easy.

It's fitting somehow.  Brings it all full circle.

So, while I reserve the right to change my mind at any time for now I have settled on koala as my nursery theme!

And now almost 3 months later I've kept the koala theme, started painting my walls, bought a crib, bought that cute koala decal above and...well that's it so far.

So, the crib and wall color looks like this:

I love my crib by the way, I think it's BEAUTIFUL.   It's also fully convertible to a toddler bed and then into a twin size bed as well.  WELL WORTH THE MONEY I SPENT ON IT.

The koala decal will go above my crib just like it is in the piccie.

I'm not done with the rest of the room, so that's all you get so far!

Another quick note on cribs, I felt like such an idiot when my crib arrived.  Like the biggest baby dummy EVER.  I did not know that the crib did not come with a mattress.  YES, I EXPECTED THE CRIB TO COME WITH A MATTRESS.

And then, after I did my research and bought a mattress I discovered YOU NEED A MATTRESS PAD.  Seriously?  WTF?  WHY CAN'T IT ALL COME TOGETHER?  

THEN I discovered I need a crib BUMPER!!!!  Really?  Did you guys buy crib bumpers?  As you can see I don't have one yet.  It's just one thing after another!

So, yeah, baby dummy over here...I know nothing about baby things (don't even get me started about how I had no idea what a pack 'n play was, not buying one of those unless I need it after baby is born btw).  My husband kept turning to me while we were building the crib asking me all these questions about mattresses and cribs and I'm like I'VE NEVER HAD A BABY!  WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?  Does being female mean I know cribs don't come with mattresses???

And that my friends is where we are with our nursery currently...I will do a finished post...when it's finished, I'm thinking that might not be for another 10 weeks!

Things We Don't Talk About

We don't really talk about the baby.

My pregnancy, yes, a baby resulting from said pregnancy, no.

I know that I am emotionally scarred and too terrified to start talking about a pregnancy in terms of a baby.  The future in regards to the pregnancy and baby is Jan. 19, ultrasound day, and not a day farther.  As though not talking about it somehow keeps it from being real and if it's not real then it can't be ripped away, and it's becoming clear that my husband may be experiencing something similar.

I'm pretty sure it's normal, even in these early weeks to have discussions about the baby's sex and maybe even begin throwing names out there, just to see if the other person is on the same page as you.  After all, it's supposed to be an exciting new time and what's the harm in starting to prepare early?

We did this with the first pregnancy, as we got closer and closer to that monumental 12 weeks, we began talking names and gender. We concentrated on boy names, since I was getting a very strong boy vibe from my uterus and even decided on a few that we liked.

I had also begun crib hunting online, since they always say it takes months to get a crib I figured I would see what was out there.  I came nowhere near a decision, but I looked.

Once I even took a walk through the stroller section of Target.

We were tiptoeing, but at least we were moving in the right direction.

With this pregnancy I don't know when we'll do all these things.  But I know we're not doing them now.

We've never talked about the gender of the baby.  There have been no, It's a Boy! No, It's a Girl! "fights" that many couples have.  I'm getting a boy vibe again, but I've never told Dom that and he's never asked.  The honest to god truth is that it doesn't even matter enough for a discussion.  We don't care.  At all.

We've never talked about names.  Why would I want to name something I might have to give up?  I'm glad we didn't know the sex of Baby A and I'm glad we didn't name it.  How much harder would it be to lose a son or daughter than just a baby of unknown gender?

We've never talked about what goes in the nursery and what needs to be done to make it a nursery.  We've in fact barely been able to call it the nursery again.  Most of the time that we've been in this house waiting to have a baby it's been the designated "crap" room, then it spent a brief few months as a nursery and then became the crap room again.  We've just barely, as we approach 10 weeks started calling it the nursery once more. Again, it's like if we begin making plans for a nursery then it's all "real" and it can all be taken away.

We have tickets to the Olympics in London next year, they're in August, the 2 weeks before my due date.  Consciously we know if all goes well we cannot go on this trip since I'll be about to give birth.  But we haven't made any moves to sell our tickets.

I think we're kind of frozen. 

Will Thursday's ultrasound change things for us?  Will be able to look farther into the future after that?  I don't know.  I do not know what emotions seeing a heartbeat at 10 weeks will bring.  After all, it's only a week and a half farther along than Baby A, is that far enough past that point to get excited?  To let our guard down a little.

Only time will tell.  2 more days...just 2 more days.