Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Still the Bitter Infertile

I don't know what is up with 2012 but it seems everyone is turning up pregnant.

The luck of the dragon I guess.

As all the BFP's have been raining down on the IF community I've been nothing but happy for each and every one of them, whether they struggled for a year or 5 years I'm so happy so many are getting good news this year.

But it seems the dragon luck is not exclusive to the IF community and nearly all the NON infertility bloggers I follow have announced their pregnancies in the last few months as well.

And it irks the shit out of me.

Is this because I tend to follow others who are at similar stages in life as me?  ie. most were recently married and thus pregnancy is the next step?

I want to be happy for all of these people.  I want to say "yay!  another member of the 2012 babies club!"

But a part of me still aches when someone married 3 months ago turns up pregnant.  Or when someone waits until 12 weeks to announce and then starts back-posting everything they wrote during the weeks leading up to their announcement and they mention baby names, they talk nurseries.

There's no fear in those posts.  

There is nothing but joy and excitement.

And I'm jealous. 

I am 29 weeks pregnant and I am still scared to death that something will go wrong in the next 3 months and I won't have a baby come August.

It is not a constant worry.  Most days I walk around perfectly comfortable in my pregnant body, happy to tell people that I'm 7 months pregnant.  And I smile and nod as they tell me how hard newborns are and how I will never sleep again, etc etc.

But then something hurts, or something is uncomfortable and I'm fully convinced that this is the beginning of the end.

I've spent the last 2 days on the couch with gas pains so severe that I could hardly walk.

My uterus seemed blissfully unaware about all the action going on around it, but that didn't stop me from poking it ALMOST CONSTANTLY to see if it was contracting.  To which I could then connect the dots of uterus contracting and I'M IN PAIN, I MUST BE IN LABOR!

I was obviously not in labor.

It's almost as though this whole thing has been too damn easy and I need something to go wrong so I can say, THAT WAS IT, now the rest can be easy.

I don't like being this person that worries all the time.  I am not a worrier by nature.

Part of me thinks, WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD, as I know all mothers worry about their children and I will probably never be the carefree non-worrier again.  But part of me is sad, sad that I can't JUST STOP.

I've tried hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy part of this journey.  But I must admit, I desperately want this kid out.

I want to quit worrying about every twitch and pinch and pain that I experience being a sign that something is wrong.  I want to quit being afraid that it will all end when I am alone.  I want to quit worrying that because I'm so worried about seeming crazy to my midwives that I won't call them about something I should have ie. I did not call my midwives about the gas pains I've been having, I'm so tired of emailing them, feeling crazy, them reassuring me and then have everything feel ok the moment they email me back so that I feel even crazier.

And I'm want to quit being jealous that people get pregnant easily.  That not everyone has a miscarriage.  That not everyone loses babies.  As though it's some rite of passage that everyone should have to experience before they can have their healthy babies.

I don't want to feel that way.  I wish NO woman EVER had to experience a miscarriage or worse, a stillbirth.  And I'm bitter and angry that I was one of the people that had to experience one.  And I feel like a bitch because so many people have had it so much worse and lost so much more.

And I hate that IF and baby loss take away the joy of pregnancy.

Does it ever end?  Once a bitter infertile, always a bitter infertile? 


  1. I need some dragon luck! So glad so many people are getting lucky!! :)

  2. I have that same question, I'm hoping that it does. And, I feel you on the gas pains...I was doubled over this weekend.

  3. OMG! I could have written this myself. I totally get jealous of people getting pregnant and STAYING pregnant without any issue. Its almost like everyone should enter that club (even though its the worst club to join).

    I too stress daily about my little Dragon and worry if she/he is still doing okay - even after I hear his/her little heart beating away!

  4. I'm sure some day it ends but it hasn't yet for me and my little miracle is almost a month old... But I can tell you that once the scary part (pregnancy) is over you'll feel much better.

  5. I still get jealous and I have a child. I get jealous that people announce early, talk about it on fb, get pregnant easily with number 2 and 3. I get jealous that they are carefree about it. I don't think it ever goes away.

  6. I never experienced infertility, but did have a miscarriage so I understand what you're saying. I too have the constant worry that something will go wrong, but it's getting less stronger as the days and weeks pass. And I'm still insanely angry that I lost my baby. My friend said to me after I miscarried "you're in the club now". Well I don't want to be in the club! I got pregnant around this time last year and for six blissful weeks was ignorant of the kind of pain that would follow me around. I will never again experience a pregnancy without worry and that pisses me off.

  7. I never struggled with infertility or a miscarriage, but having a child unexpectedly born with special needs produces these same feelings. Each time someone announces that their baby was born and "baby and Mama are healthy and doing great" it's like someone kicked me in the stomach. After 2.5 years, I'm better and it doesn't hurt as much, but I'm still grieving a little bit of what I lost when I had Sadie. My hope is that this time around, it'll be ME that gets to make that announcement, and that that will be the ultimate healing for me. I don't know if these feelings will every go away when we experience something so traumatic, but I hope for your sake, and all of the rest of us that eventually they do.

  8. I don't think it will ever go away, I just think it will change over time. I have the same weekly worries as you. I was on the phone with D tonight talking about washing some clothes and part of me is nervous to take that step. I don't usually have negative thoughts but I do think of things like this sometimes. I get mad at myself because I do, but it's our reality. But, these miracles are meant to be. I believe that.

  9. I used to feel that way. Especially right after the miscarriage happened. But now that I'm 15 weeks pregnant (no, I haven't announced it all over the world yet), I don't feel bitter anymore. I'm happy for people. I'm happy that they DON'T have to experience the pain we did. Because I think about how much it sucked and why would I wish that on anyone? If people *want* babies and will be good parents and not deadbeats, then I wish them the best. I'm tired of thinking about the past. It's happy time now. Sure, I stil worry that something could go wrong, but why? It doesn't accomplish anything but to make me feel badly. And I don't want to feel that way. So instead, I'm focusing on the future and the great things it will hold. I still have sympathy for those struggling, but all of us are hope for those women. And without hope, what do you have?

  10. P.S. - I experienced the severe gas pain the other night too. UGH! I was curled up sweating and crying. Awful!

  11. I am totally on the same page you are with the exception of wanting it to be over so I don't have to worry (as much). I haven't reached that point yet, but I'm sure it will come.

    It is so weird to feel like a normal pregnant woman one day and a sobbing worrying mess the next. I don't think it will get any better. I've just accepted that and will be pleasantly surprised if it does! :)