Still the Bitter Infertile

I don't know what is up with 2012 but it seems everyone is turning up pregnant.

The luck of the dragon I guess.

As all the BFP's have been raining down on the IF community I've been nothing but happy for each and every one of them, whether they struggled for a year or 5 years I'm so happy so many are getting good news this year.

But it seems the dragon luck is not exclusive to the IF community and nearly all the NON infertility bloggers I follow have announced their pregnancies in the last few months as well.

And it irks the shit out of me.

Is this because I tend to follow others who are at similar stages in life as me?  ie. most were recently married and thus pregnancy is the next step?

I want to be happy for all of these people.  I want to say "yay!  another member of the 2012 babies club!"

But a part of me still aches when someone married 3 months ago turns up pregnant.  Or when someone waits until 12 weeks to announce and then starts back-posting everything they wrote during the weeks leading up to their announcement and they mention baby names, they talk nurseries.

There's no fear in those posts.  

There is nothing but joy and excitement.

And I'm jealous. 

I am 29 weeks pregnant and I am still scared to death that something will go wrong in the next 3 months and I won't have a baby come August.

It is not a constant worry.  Most days I walk around perfectly comfortable in my pregnant body, happy to tell people that I'm 7 months pregnant.  And I smile and nod as they tell me how hard newborns are and how I will never sleep again, etc etc.

But then something hurts, or something is uncomfortable and I'm fully convinced that this is the beginning of the end.

I've spent the last 2 days on the couch with gas pains so severe that I could hardly walk.

My uterus seemed blissfully unaware about all the action going on around it, but that didn't stop me from poking it ALMOST CONSTANTLY to see if it was contracting.  To which I could then connect the dots of uterus contracting and I'M IN PAIN, I MUST BE IN LABOR!

I was obviously not in labor.

It's almost as though this whole thing has been too damn easy and I need something to go wrong so I can say, THAT WAS IT, now the rest can be easy.

I don't like being this person that worries all the time.  I am not a worrier by nature.

Part of me thinks, WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD, as I know all mothers worry about their children and I will probably never be the carefree non-worrier again.  But part of me is sad, sad that I can't JUST STOP.

I've tried hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy part of this journey.  But I must admit, I desperately want this kid out.

I want to quit worrying about every twitch and pinch and pain that I experience being a sign that something is wrong.  I want to quit being afraid that it will all end when I am alone.  I want to quit worrying that because I'm so worried about seeming crazy to my midwives that I won't call them about something I should have ie. I did not call my midwives about the gas pains I've been having, I'm so tired of emailing them, feeling crazy, them reassuring me and then have everything feel ok the moment they email me back so that I feel even crazier.

And I'm want to quit being jealous that people get pregnant easily.  That not everyone has a miscarriage.  That not everyone loses babies.  As though it's some rite of passage that everyone should have to experience before they can have their healthy babies.

I don't want to feel that way.  I wish NO woman EVER had to experience a miscarriage or worse, a stillbirth.  And I'm bitter and angry that I was one of the people that had to experience one.  And I feel like a bitch because so many people have had it so much worse and lost so much more.

And I hate that IF and baby loss take away the joy of pregnancy.

Does it ever end?  Once a bitter infertile, always a bitter infertile?