Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The No Good Horrible Very Bad Day

I have a bumpdate for you I promise, but it has to wait until tomorrow because instead of a bumpdate...

I have to tell you guys a story.

It's a story that I will title, How I Freaked the Fuck Out Last Night and Convinced Myself I was Going Into Preterm Labor.

For starters, I am fine, there is nothing wrong.  Everything I experienced was normal, but because of special circumstances that I will describe momentarily it was really hard for me to convince myself of that last night.

So here's the story.

I flew into NYC last night and to refresh everyone's memories the last time I was in NYC was last September and almost immediately upon landing I started spotting and two days later we found out that a miscarriage was imminent.  We cut our trip short and hightailed it back to SF so I could miscarry in the comfort of my own home.

I was hoping that starting my miscarriage here in NYC would not taint NYC for me and I made it a point to come out here and NOT let the experience ruin NYC.

But obviously there's something of the experience still left in my brain because...

TMI warning, there is a lot of cervix and cervical mucus talk from here on out, you have been warned.

As soon as I arrived at my final destination I felt "something" in my underwear, something that felt eerily similar to passing a clot through my cervix.  Ever since my miscarriage I am UBER aware of what it feels like when something passes through my cervix.

When I went to inspect the situation I found a huge gooey gob of cervical mucus that looked suspiciously like snot.  Now ever since the beginning of the 2nd tri the CM has really kicked it up a notch from 1st tri and has been much more prevalent but up until this point CM has been very very thin and watery, nowhere near this thick.

The gooey gob was completely clear and I was in no pain.  

I immediately checked my cervix because that's what a rational person does right?  Immediately assumes her cervix is dilating because of gooey CM?  All was fine, cervix was very hard and very closed, PERFECT.  So, I didn't worry about it.

But 2 hours later after a wonderful dinner out with my girlfriends I had to use the loo again and once more I'm met with GOBS of thick mucus.  I once again go searching around for my cervix (seriously do fertiles do this?) and I CAN'T FIND IT!!!

So I proceed to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

In that instant I absolutely 100% convinced myself that I had just passed my mucus plug and that labor was imminent and that I would have to go to the ER again and lose the baby WITHOUT my husband with me.  It was the same apartment, same bathroom, everything was the same and it was like I was repeating those horrible days where I started spotting back in September.

As I said, clearly the past experience with the miscarriage starting here is still with me.

So, because I was SO FREAKED OUT I called my midwife and luckily with the time difference it was only 8:30pm for her and she answered right away.


And when I told her I couldn't find my cervix?


Completely NOT convinced I somehow manage to fall asleep anyway and I had terrible TERRIBLE dreams about miscarrying.  In my dream every time I went to the bathroom there would be more and more blood.


This morning with my more rational head on I once again checked my cervix (no wonder my cervix is hiding from me, it's protecting itself from all the poking and prodding!) and once again it was right there, hard and closed.

And then because I'm staying with a friend who had a baby a few years ago and has a doppler, we dopplered me, HEARTBEAT IS PUMPING AWAY BEAUTIFULLY.

So, in a nutshell, I am totally fine and not in preterm labor.  And because I want others to learn from me, for all the preggies, DON'T FREAK OUT ABOUT THICK GOBS OF CLEAR CERVICAL MUCUS in your 2nd tri and convince yourself you're going into preterm labor if you have no other reason to suspect such a situation is occurring.

This community has a downfall.  Usually information is power, but in this instance I wish I was blissfully unaware of people going into labor at 20 or 22 weeks.  

Unfortunately in this community we are all too aware of the tragedies that befall many of our members and we know all the details, we know all about preterm labor and losing babies at 20 weeks.  It is not a story that happened to a friend of a friend of a friend, it happened to one (or many) of us and we've read the details straight from the source.

I KNOW it can happen and it sucks that my brain took me there SO EASILY.  This was the only time since becoming a member of this community where I desperately wished I wasn't and that I was completely naive and had only heard about women losing their babies from afar, like a friend of a friend of a friend lost her baby at 20 weeks and I had no other details.  

I mourn the loss of my naiveté.

So, there you have it.  Just when I start looking at strollers and getting comfortable I am STRUCK DOWN with an episode of pure crazy panic.  

We're at 17 weeks today and I have officially entered what I consider the 2nd "scary" period.  Of course the first 10-12 weeks are the 1st scary period, but somewhere between now and 24 weeks it is no longer miscarriage that is the worry (even though up until 20 weeks it's still technically a miscarriage) but preterm labor and losing your baby in a different way.  The baby having no heartbeat is becoming less and less worrisome and having to give birth to the baby because of one reason or another before it's ready to come out is the new fear.

New week, new fear.

Just 7 more weeks, just 7 more weeks...


  1. I am so sorry. I can totally understand your freaking out, especially when you have already been down the loss road. I am already terrified of preterm labor (again the stories, the knowledge, and the fact that I have a friend who had twins at 22 weeks) and preterm labor has petrified me since the day we got pregnant - even more when I consider twins....
    I am so glad you are doing better though and that your cervix has reappeared :). PS - I *think* your mucus plug is usually bloody/brown and gross. (Or so I've heard!)

    1. I've heard that your mucus plug is bloody or brown as well, but that would be the RATIONAL part of my brain that knows that, not the crazy part that took over last night =)

  2. I can't tell you how many times I have shoved my fingers up my wahoo to check my cervix, cm, ect. Fertiles don't do this I'm sure of it. I am sure they don't even know cm changes during your cycle or that your cervix changes feeling and location.

  3. Does your head hurt? Because your mind has been totally fucked.

    I can't believe I just typed that and I really can't believe I didn't immediately delete it.

    But that's what happened. Damn dude. Just. Damn. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your trip! I want to see a bumpdate from the Empire State!

  4. Oh goodness gracious I'm glad that it turned out to not be serious! I totally agree that we're definitely in the "know too much" place of this journey but just know that you WILL be one of the success stories :)

  5. I had the globs and I confess I was worried to. I also couldn't find my cervix but if I was honest, i don't think I ever really knew how. Relax my friend.

  6. I would have been freaking out also. So glad all is ok. I'm also on the slow countdown to 24 weeks. Just get me there already.

  7. That is how I feel about being a part of this community, too. SOMETIMES I WISH I DIDN'T KNOW. You can't un-learn things but I wish I could, I wish I didn't know so many people who lost babies in the first trimester, or second, or even later. :( It messes with your head so much. But this experience I feel like might have happened to you even if you weren't in this community, because of what happened last time you came to NYC. I hope you enjoy the rest of your visit, though!

  8. I'm so glad you're okay, but I think it's crazy that 1. you know how to check your cervix, and 2. you know what it should feel like!! haha You're funny. I know what you mean about knowing too much, being part of the special needs world I know WAY too many kids who were born at 20, 21, 24 weeks who are alive, but living with multiple disabilities. Hang in there, it's probably not going to be easy ever again! :)

    1. And I think it's crazy that you DON'T know how to check your cervix! ;-) At some point along this journey it becomes a very normal thing to do to see if you're about to ovulate...especially when you don't ovulate. It became both my catalyst for the freak out last night as well as my savior this morning, so I'm not sure if this is good knowledge to have or bad!

  9. I agree with you (and the others who have commented) that sometimes I wish I just didn't know so damn much. I'm sure that if/when I achieve pregnancy, I will be an even bigger basketcase than I am now.

    I'm so glad that everything is fine. Hope you're able to enjoy the rest of your vacation. :)

  10. Wow, I am so glad everything is okay and don't blame you at all for freaking out! When you've gone through what we all have, everything is so much more you could tell from my bleeding episode yesterday! I hope you are able to relax a bit now and enjoy your stay in NY - the weather is beautiful right now. And thanks for your comments yesterday, they really helped (especially the advice about not going to ER)!

  11. Oh, I'm so sorry for that freak out. I can only imagine how scary it was. But the telling/reading of it gave me a little giggle only because I can see the freak-out in progress as I read.

    Like you and many others said, I too sometimes wish I didn't know all I know about the infertile world. I mean, I love this community and the support it has to offer, but life would be so much more stress-free and blissful if we didn't have some of these bits of knowledge in our heads. Definitely the fertiles in this world just don't understand when I say "all is well, but anything can still happen".

    I hope the rest of your trip is uneventful and fun!

  12. Oh gosh...I'm sorry hon. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it might be a while. Just take care of yourself and keep your midwife on speed dial.
    Keep repeating..."it will be okay." I understand how fearful you are, I will be scared shitless if I get pregnant again. We just have to cling onto the hope that it will be okay.

    Thinking of you.

  13. Man I'm glad I didn't know about a mucous plug.... I'm only 8 weeks and for a couple weeks now I've been having GLOBS (seriously!) of thick whitish yellow CM and it has just become my norm. I figured it was normal, which i guess it is for some. But shoot, any drastic changes would freak my the F*** out! Thank goodness for midwives on call :)

    So.... I think we need to get together. I'm not sure where in SF(in the city or outskirts?) you are but we're too close to not hang out! I'm in Sonoma :)

    1. I think if I had had the globs of it before I wouldn't have worried about it, it was just the sudden CHANGE in CM that freaked me out, especially when I googled! Ugh!

      I'm totally into getting together! I'm in Noe Valley, inside SF city limits, but Sonoma isn't far!