Tuesday, March 20, 2012


I hope this doesn't turn out to be a controversial post, I feel like a lot of pregnancy bloggers like to sugar coat and would never dare say what I'm about to say, but I don't do sugar coating very well, IRL or here, so I'm just keeping it real.

I've been putting this post together over the last few days and when Cornfed Feminist mentioned that she hasn't had her moment of attachment to her baby at 7 weeks, I thought what perfect timing for me to throw out this detachment post I've been working on since there's at least one other person who has experienced the same thing.

I hear a lot of women say they are very attached to the baby they carry around in their bellies, almost from the moment they learn they are pregnant.

If a miscarriage happens I've heard women say they miss their babies and that sometimes they have trouble trying to get pregnant again because even if they get pregnant again the new baby won't be the old baby and it's the old baby that they want back.

I don't feel any of this.

I don't feel very attached to my baby.

And I don't miss my first baby either.

This isn't to say that it would not be devastating to lose this baby.  I can't even imagine the pain of that kind of loss and I hope to god I never have to know what it feels like.

And this isn't to say that the miscarriage wasn't the single most heartbreaking, soul crushing moment of my life.  My first EDD is March 31 and I look upon the date with dread.

You guys watched, through my words, as I dealt with my miscarriage.  It was devastating.

But it was not the loss of THAT baby in my belly that I mourned for.  Let's face it that baby wasn't even a baby, it was a 9 week old fetus, or was it still an embryo?  When's the switch?  Either way, it looked nothing like a baby, it was a little kidney bean, with no discernible human shape.  

No, I mourned for the loss of what the baby represented for our future.  And what losing the baby took away from us.  A future with children.  I mourned for what felt like the loss of our future with children.

An emotional break from TTC never really entered my mind.  I wasn't emotionally attached to THAT baby, I was attached to being pregnant and what should result from a pregnancy.

A future with children.

This is all to say that almost halfway through this pregnancy I in fact still feel rather detached from this baby.

I thought that seeing the little one on that ultrasound screen would really rile up some emotion in me.

I thought I would cry.

But in all honestly, there was no fighting back tears, I didn't get misty eyed, I didn't feel a well of emotion....it was actually a little creepy.  There is a little alien MOVING around inside there like crazy and I couldn't feel any of the movements.

I don't know if how detached I feel is normal, if it's a side effect of the miscarriage, or it's just me and how I'm an emotional zombie (sense my sarcasm).

Since the ultrasound I've started to feel the baby move and just like the ultrasound...it's a little creepy.  It's a very ODD sensation, one that I know as the baby grows changes, and as much as I was looking forward to this moment, I WILL BE HAPPY THAT THIS SPECIFIC FEELING IS SHORT LIVED.

It feels like a butterfly is stuck in my uterus.

Or you know when your eye twitches or a muscle in your arm?  IT FEELS LIKE THAT.

None of this is to say that I don't want this baby with every fiber of my being.  Because I do.

And even though the movement is super weird, it brings a smile to my face every time.

I can even tell you that the beginnings of a personality and it's likes and dislikes are coming out. It seems to have no affinity for sweets, sweets do nothing for the movement, just like mama.  And it loves breakfast, just like mama.

But I have yet to have that moment of attachment where I'm like oh that's MY baby in there.
I know I will be attached once this little person pops out there.  I have no fear about not feeling an attachment after it's born.

Perhaps I need to see him/her?  Like I've never met this little person and I think I need to meet him/her before my attachment really takes hold.

Is this weird?

I wanna know.  Did you all get super attached to your babies in utero right away?  Do you feel a disconnect?  If you felt detached did it change at some point?

And if you've had a miscarriage, were you super attached to THAT baby, or was it just what the baby represented?  And have you found it difficult to begin TTC post miscarriage because you feel so attached to the first baby?


  1. I'm not in your position yet, but I don't think it's weird. Everyone deals in different ways and I don't believe any way is less valid. I appreciate your honesty.

  2. I can't relate to your current situation, but I can with the miscarriage. I feel a sense of loss, but I think I feel what you do. About what could have been, about growing our family. Not about that I lost a particular baby. The baby didn't have a name. I didn't know the gender. I was only 8 weeks, measuring 6. I feel loss when I think about toda. If I didn't have a miscarriage we would have a baby now. But yeah. I don't know how to say what I feel. But maybe you understand.

  3. I also don't feel "attached." I don't know when/if that will happen (at least while I'm still pregnant, I assume it will happen when the baby is born, but actually you never know). I'm trying not to have too many expectations for myself in that way.

    I'm also wondering if part of it is that my morning/all-day sickness is so bad, and I have been struggling with feelings of guilt about really really really not enjoying being pregnant at all so far, besides being able to dream about the future in a more realistic, pragmatic way because it's happening. Or maybe it's because I am preventing myself from getting attached just in case the worst happens.

    But who knows. Every person is different, every reaction to being pregnant is different, both emotionally and physically.

  4. I wasn't attached until bear was born. But I basically do attachment parenting now and I am probably more attached to him than most parents are so attachment inside does not dictate attachment once you hold them on the outside.

  5. I've had two miscarriages, both around 8 weeks (the first one after more than a year of struggling with infertility) and we're now TTC again. I was pretty destroyed by both miscarriages, but not particularly attached to the individual babies - it was just so early, I didn't experience them as individuals and for me, this makes sense. But like you said, I was incredibly attached to the future those babies would have meant - the one where I would finally be a mother and get to hold them in my arms. I wanted to begin TTC again as soon as was reasonable after each miscarriage - any difficulty I had in getting to that point was strictly related to the overwhelming fear I felt/feel at the possibility of another miscarriage.

    Of course, I have no way of knowing whether my feelings will change when/if I have a pregnancy that lasts longer. But basically, I think this is totally normal for many of us.

  6. I applaud your honesty in this post! I always appreciate very "real" posts.

    I have never made it past 7/8 weeks in my pregnancies, but I will say that the first time I was pregnant I was immediately attached. When I lost that baby I wanted THAT baby back. When is it really considered a baby? I don't know, but to me the moment I found out I was pregnant-it was a baby.

    With my second and third loss it was more devastation about another loss itself than the actual baby...I think because my defenses were up from the first loss. I wouldn't let myself get attached. That, and utter exhaustion from the process of IVF and an FET and being out $20k+ knowing we would have to do this all over again.

    We all handle things differently, so no, I don't think it's weird.

  7. I am not yet attached. I jumped up and down excited at my first positive HPT, and at my high betas, but when it came to my ultrasounds I just lay there frozen. I don't trust it yet, I am still scared to get attached, I still don't know if I can be excited yet or if I should be excited what to be excited about (am I haveing two? one? will they make it?). I hope to get attached soon, I want it so bad. My acupuncturist told me to talk to the babies.....and I have tried, but it is hard, it all feels so surreal.

    1. I've tried talking to the baby but it's so weird! My husband actually has a pregnancy for dads book that I bought him that says "speak up" when talking to baby because there's a lot of other noises that you're competing with so we've taken to yelling when we're talking to the baby =) DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER, HE'S TALKING CRAZY! That sort of thing, haha. Hasn't helped though, still not very attached/connected.

  8. I didn't feel totally attached in the beginning. I think I was too jaded from our first IVF (chemical) pregnancy. It lasted awhile and really, I think I was more attached in the beginning than I allowed myself to feel/believe. I was too busy guarding my heart to notice how in love I was with these two little babies. Now, the attachment runs deep.
    I assume it is different for everyone, and I agree that your feelings now have nothing to do with how you will feel when that sweet baby is placed in your arms this summer:)

  9. I will never forget Danielle talking about this when she first had her first little one. She said it was like, "well hello little person - nice to meet you" when she had her- then she basically fell in love with her daughter as she got to know her. My sister was the same way - remember she didn't even like kids before she had her own. I think it's normal for a lot of people. ;)

  10. I will never forget Danielle talking about this when she first had her first little one. She said it was like, "well hello little person - nice to meet you" when she had her- then she basically fell in love with her daughter as she got to know her. My sister was the same way - remember she didn't even like kids before she had her own. I think it's normal for a lot of people. ;)

  11. I was/am just very attached to the idea of the baby and not the baby itself post m/c. My BFF said something that struck me back some months ago. My BFF had a miscarriage and then went onto to have a little boy. She said that she always thinks that had she not had the m/c that she would not have this great little guy - not any little guy but this exact one. Not that the first pg wouldn't have resulted in someone special but she's very happy to have him... I guess it speaks to the attachment once that little someone is in your life vs. in utero. It helped me let go of the idea of mourning 'the baby' and understand that I was mourning 'the pregnancy.' Hopefully that came out properly... :)

    1. I think this way sometimes too, hoping that when I meet this little person it will make the miscarriage 'OK' like I had to have the miscarriage first to be given the baby that I ultimately end up with.

  12. I totally understand what you are saying.

    When we had our first dating scan I thought I would be ridiculously over the moon and crying with happiness but I had nothing. When I found out I was pregnant no tears, my 12w scan the only tears were because I had a bitch of a technician and my 20w scan - yep no tears. The only time I cried was when I though my fluid had broke and ok it was just the babies head putting pressure on my bladder but when I saw the baby then and it was ok then I cried.

    With my m/c I agree, it wasn't so much the attachment to the baby as I was attached to all of my IVF embryos that didn't make it but it was the sadness that came with the loss of my dream yet again that broke me and the fear that this would never happen to me.

    I lost my bean at 5w4d it wasn't a real baby not in the sense that someone that has lost something at 20w or even 12w. I didn't have morning sickness or the tiredness nothing had even begun. It finished before it started.

    It is ok to feel this way. I think in many ways it is a by product of our IF / Loss journey's. it is hard to become attached to something that you still have in the back of your mind could be taken away again.

    For me, the attachment has only started since I found out what I am having and feeling real kicks, when your belly actually moves! But even still I haven't cried and been as emotional as I thought I would be. Maybe that is why i don't really love being pregnant because everything I have been through has tarnished the joy?

    anyway enough blog taking over ;)

  13. I hope my lack of attachment doesn't make me reckless. My brother cautioned me against snowshoeing because what if I fall? Then I fall on snow, which is like the best place to fall, right? I'm sure my snowshoeing pace will be pretty slow. And I'm still planning on taking all my planned trips, which will end at 26 weeks. If I get attached before then will I want to risk international flights? Who knows. I'm sure I'll blog about this at some point. I'm glad we're normal, or at least abnormal together.

  14. I didn't become attached until I found out the gender of my baby at 20 weeks. At that point she had an identity and a name and it felt more real.

  15. I appreciate your honesty in this post. I've never had a misscariage so I can't comment on that, but I am 32 weeks pregnant and I didn't even start to get attached to "this baby" until we found out his gender at 20 weeks. After finding out the gender and giving him a name I started to get more attached every day. I think that reaching viability was a big thing for my attachment levels too. Knowing my little boy could survive with out me made him seem much more real.

  16. With Sadie, since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't feel that attached...and we knew the gender. Mostly I was uncomfortable and i was looking forward to it being over. However, now that I'm on my second pregnancy I feel a little more attached. I know what to expect now, I know what the end result will be, and I know how much love I had for Sadie, so I can only imagine how much love I'll have for this little one too. Having a baby changed my family (everyone, husband, parents, distant relatives) so much in such a positive way, that I definitely feel more attached this time around.

  17. You are perfectly normal. I didn't feel attached mywhole pregnancy and kinda don't get girls who are super attached from the moment of conception. I also didn't really like the eye twitch like movements. It was hard because everyone asks "oh, don't you just LOVE feeling them kick" and I'd have to grin and lie. You aren't alone!!!!

  18. i have to say that my baby turns 2 months old today and i've just recently begun to feel a bond with him. don't get me wrong...i felt love and devotion to him immediately, but our emotional connection is just now starting to form.

  19. Like some pp have said, I didn't feel super attached until the 20 week ultrasound. Once I knew the sex and the name, I was able to really give this little person an identity.

  20. I've not had a miscarriage, so I'm not sure about the feeling of attachment or not with it. I've also never really thought about this concept. I guess I am not particularly attached to Paxlet yet as a human being, but I am sure I'd be devastated at the loss of pregnancy, the hard work it took to get here and the future that wouldn't happen because of said loss.

    I also haven't cried at the ultrasounds as much as I wanted to (to be "like everyone else", but that has just never been me). I did grin idiotically though.

    I don't know. I know/realize I am pregnant, now that it has finally sunk in, but it still isn't in a concrete way. I think that maybe when I feel movement and have the 20 week scan it will sink in even more. But maybe I won't be fully attached until it is in my arms.
    Who knows. Good Post!

  21. How awesome of you to write this! I was detached during my first trimester, mostly for self-preservation (though I bawled at my 8 week ultrasound when we heard the heartbeat). I had a miscarriage last year at 7 weeks and couldn't handle the thought of that happening again, so while I did everything right to create a healthy baby, I didn't plan, didn't think ahead. Nothing. It wasn't until I started getting a bump and feeling the baby move (at 17w) that I started feeling a real attachment. Now that I"m almost 21w, I feel connected more and more every day!

    1. I cried at my 10 week scan when we heard the heartbeat too. It was like a release from the relief I felt at not losing another one.

      The bump helps I must admit, so we'll see if in time the attachment grows!