Detached

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a controversial post, I feel like a lot of pregnancy bloggers like to sugar coat and would never dare say what I'm about to say, but I don't do sugar coating very well, IRL or here, so I'm just keeping it real.

I've been putting this post together over the last few days and when Cornfed Feminist mentioned that she hasn't had her moment of attachment to her baby at 7 weeks, I thought what perfect timing for me to throw out this detachment post I've been working on since there's at least one other person who has experienced the same thing.

I hear a lot of women say they are very attached to the baby they carry around in their bellies, almost from the moment they learn they are pregnant.

If a miscarriage happens I've heard women say they miss their babies and that sometimes they have trouble trying to get pregnant again because even if they get pregnant again the new baby won't be the old baby and it's the old baby that they want back.

I don't feel any of this.

I don't feel very attached to my baby.

And I don't miss my first baby either.

This isn't to say that it would not be devastating to lose this baby.  I can't even imagine the pain of that kind of loss and I hope to god I never have to know what it feels like.

And this isn't to say that the miscarriage wasn't the single most heartbreaking, soul crushing moment of my life.  My first EDD is March 31 and I look upon the date with dread.

You guys watched, through my words, as I dealt with my miscarriage.  It was devastating.

But it was not the loss of THAT baby in my belly that I mourned for.  Let's face it that baby wasn't even a baby, it was a 9 week old fetus, or was it still an embryo?  When's the switch?  Either way, it looked nothing like a baby, it was a little kidney bean, with no discernible human shape.  

No, I mourned for the loss of what the baby represented for our future.  And what losing the baby took away from us.  A future with children.  I mourned for what felt like the loss of our future with children.

An emotional break from TTC never really entered my mind.  I wasn't emotionally attached to THAT baby, I was attached to being pregnant and what should result from a pregnancy.

A future with children.

This is all to say that almost halfway through this pregnancy I in fact still feel rather detached from this baby.

I thought that seeing the little one on that ultrasound screen would really rile up some emotion in me.

I thought I would cry.

But in all honestly, there was no fighting back tears, I didn't get misty eyed, I didn't feel a well of emotion....it was actually a little creepy.  There is a little alien MOVING around inside there like crazy and I couldn't feel any of the movements.

I don't know if how detached I feel is normal, if it's a side effect of the miscarriage, or it's just me and how I'm an emotional zombie (sense my sarcasm).

Since the ultrasound I've started to feel the baby move and just like the ultrasound...it's a little creepy.  It's a very ODD sensation, one that I know as the baby grows changes, and as much as I was looking forward to this moment, I WILL BE HAPPY THAT THIS SPECIFIC FEELING IS SHORT LIVED.

It feels like a butterfly is stuck in my uterus.

Or you know when your eye twitches or a muscle in your arm?  IT FEELS LIKE THAT.

None of this is to say that I don't want this baby with every fiber of my being.  Because I do.
I WANT THIS BABY.

And even though the movement is super weird, it brings a smile to my face every time.

I can even tell you that the beginnings of a personality and it's likes and dislikes are coming out. It seems to have no affinity for sweets, sweets do nothing for the movement, just like mama.  And it loves breakfast, just like mama.

But I have yet to have that moment of attachment where I'm like oh that's MY baby in there.

I know I will be attached once this little person pops out there.  I have no fear about not feeling an attachment after it's born.

Perhaps I need to see him/her?  Like I've never met this little person and I think I need to meet him/her before my attachment really takes hold.

Is this weird?

I wanna know.  Did you all get super attached to your babies in utero right away?  Do you feel a disconnect?  If you felt detached did it change at some point?

And if you've had a miscarriage, were you super attached to THAT baby, or was it just what the baby represented?  And have you found it difficult to begin TTC post miscarriage because you feel so attached to the first baby?