Today, March 30 was my original estimated due date for Baby A.
After my 6 week ultrasound it was changed to March 31, but me and FF decided it was March 30 and that's the date that really stuck with me as my due date.
And it's here, it's finally here.
It's surreal to imagine being 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth right now.
And it's amazing that I am 20 weeks pregnant and halfway through a 2nd pregnancy as we come to what would have been the end of the first.
I looked upon this date with trepidation and dread.
I didn't know what I would be feeling, if I would be sad and depressed, or if the baby in my belly would make it all ok.
Turns out as I feel Baby B wiggling around, he makes it all ok.
I'm not sad. I am hopeful.
Most of the events of my life, good and bad, I wouldn't change. I believe the negative experiences as well as the positive shape us and make us the people we are. If you change the experiences then you change the person. And even though I have my faults I wouldn't actually want to be any other person but myself...shitty life experiences and all.
But if I could go back and change the miscarriage I would say wholeheartedly that I would.
Right now, before I meet Baby B, I would give him up to have never had to experience the miscarriage and to be having Baby A right now (because we all know baby's come right on their due dates and I would literally be giving birth right now ;-)
But I believe once Baby B arrives it will make the miscarriage a part of my life that I'm OK with. Because without the miscarriage Baby B, which is the one I'm meant to meet, wouldn't be a part of my life.
Ok, now I'm sad. I JUST MADE MYSELF SAD WITH MY OWN WRITING.
But today it's over. The first pregnancy and all it's 40 weeks that would have been a part of it are in the past. 10 months that after the arrival of Baby B don't have to be so important anymore.
I have no more dates from my first pregnancy to surpass, no more reminders of Baby A.
IT'S BABY B ALL THE WAY FROM HERE ON OUT.
And I hope this year is the ONLY year that I commemorate March 30 as anything other than just another day.