Today, March 30 was my original estimated due date for Baby A.
After my 6 week ultrasound it was changed to March 31, but me and FF decided it was March 30 and that's the date that really stuck with me as my due date.
And it's here, it's finally here.
It's surreal to imagine being 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth right now.
And it's amazing that I am 20 weeks pregnant and halfway through a 2nd pregnancy as we come to what would have been the end of the first.
I looked upon this date with trepidation and dread.
I didn't know what I would be feeling, if I would be sad and depressed, or if the baby in my belly would make it all ok.
Turns out as I feel Baby B wiggling around, he makes it all ok.
I'm not sad. I am hopeful.
Most of the events of my life, good and bad, I wouldn't change. I believe the negative experiences as well as the positive shape us and make us the people we are. If you change the experiences then you change the person. And even though I have my faults I wouldn't actually want to be any other person but myself...shitty life experiences and all.
But if I could go back and change the miscarriage I would say wholeheartedly that I would.
Right now, before I meet Baby B, I would give him up to have never had to experience the miscarriage and to be having Baby A right now (because we all know baby's come right on their due dates and I would literally be giving birth right now ;-)
But I believe once Baby B arrives it will make the miscarriage a part of my life that I'm OK with. Because without the miscarriage Baby B, which is the one I'm meant to meet, wouldn't be a part of my life.
Ok, now I'm sad. I JUST MADE MYSELF SAD WITH MY OWN WRITING.
But today it's over. The first pregnancy and all it's 40 weeks that would have been a part of it are in the past. 10 months that after the arrival of Baby B don't have to be so important anymore.
I have no more dates from my first pregnancy to surpass, no more reminders of Baby A.
IT'S BABY B ALL THE WAY FROM HERE ON OUT.
And I hope this year is the ONLY year that I commemorate March 30 as anything other than just another day.
I'm so glad you're pregnant on your due date! I dreaded mine - it was heartbreaking...but once it passed, it felt like I could move on. Like you, I wouldn't have my sweet Katherine if I hadn't miscarried. While I, too, can't say I *wouldn't* change it, I can promise you that the pain dulls and it becomes more of a distant memory. Like kindergarten or Prom :)
ReplyDeleteBaby B all the way now :) Thinking of you today!
ReplyDeleteGood for you!! I think you've dealt with all of this in a very healthy way, and you're moving on is even more healthy! Here's to a healthy, happy 20 more weeks and a safe delivery of Baby B!! I can't wait to meet him/her!!
ReplyDeleteI'd be lying if I said I wasn't envious of you Jes! My would've been due is 8 days away and unfortunately I don't have the reassurance of a kicking baby. However, that being said I am thrilled for you. I'm glad that you can put today behind you and focus all your energy and efforts on the amazing little Baby B. Have a great weekend. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't try to put myself in your shoes, but I'm so happy that you have Baby B growing and healthy on this day!
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