More Leafy Greens

Today was my first prenatal appt with my home birth midwives.

I am 11 weeks 5 days and we still have a heartbeat.  Just 1 week and 2 days until we graduate from first trimester to 2nd trimester.

As we approach the last of my first pregnancy milestones, 12 weeks, the day I started spotting, the beginning of the end of Baby A, I am feeling elated that we still have a heartbeat just 2 days away from this milestone, but also wary that we are now approaching brand new territory.

Everything up to this point has been a repeat.  I didn't know that Baby A had died in week 9 at the time so I made it all the way up to 12 weeks thinking everything was just hunky dory.  I've literally done my first trimester twice in the last 7 months.  Understandably I feel like I've been in my first trimester for a long time.

But here we are, ready to surpass 12 weeks with solid evidence that Baby B is still alive and I must admit I feel a certain amount of relief.

That all consuming worry has released it's hold and I have dared to make prenatal appts all the way through March.  I won't calculate how far along in my pregnancy I may be at the end of March, but the appts have been made.  We've even started to talk about the future with baby included.  Not the maybe future baby but THIS baby.

I'm nowhere near needing maternity wear, you'll see on Wednesday what I've got going on is not worthy of maternity clothes just yet.  And I'm also nowhere near buying furniture or decorating a nursery.  When does this become crucial by the way?  If I wait until like 30 weeks, which is honestly when I'm planning on it, will that be too late?

In other news, I apparently need to eat more leafy greens.  Things like lettuce, kale, swiss chard, spinach, etc.

I hate salad and honestly am not a huge leafy green fan, thus the absence of them in my diet, but if I gotta do it, I gotta do it.

source

So, help me out ladies anyone have any delicious recipes for leafy greens?  

11 Weeks

Yesterday was 11 weeks.

I don't have a bump pic because my husband is out of town, (and we all also agreed that 12 weeks was a good time to start the bump pics, remember?) but I'm gonna go ahead and write all this down for posterity sake.  So when later I look back on my first trimester and tell everyone how easy it was you can all call me a liar.

My first 10 weeks were easy.  I was nauseous exactly twice and I had no food aversions.

At 10 weeks 5 days everything went downhill.

I feel like shit.

I'm nauseous, tired, bloated and headachy.  And food does NOTHING to make me feel better, it in fact has made me feel worse on more than one occasion.  Naps also are starting to make me feel worse rather than better.

I have round ligament pain that makes rolling over at night HURT, like gasp in pain and stop moving hurt.  Even if I move slowly from one side to the other, it still hurts.  I have heard that for some women RLP can be so severe that it's more painful than labor and I've also heard that for some women they have NO RLP.  If I'm already in pain and I'm not even 3 months in, WHAT'S THE NEXT FEW MONTHS GOING TO BE LIKE?

My boobs hurt.  First pregnancy my boobs were SO SORE that I took a pregnancy test days before I wanted to and they continued to hurt bad enough that braless was completely out of the question at all times.  They also grew quickly in those first few weeks.  In the first 2 weeks I was a full cup size bigger with potential to grow out of my brand new bras at any moment.  This time everything about my boobs has been different.  They have been...tender we'll say, but they didn't hurt.  They very very slowly grew but it has taken 10 weeks to get back to where they were at 6 weeks last time.  But now, NOW THEY HURT AGAIN.  I'm back to braless being out of the question, sports bras at night? oh yes, we're there.

And the zits, THE ZITS!  I am generally one zit at a time kind of girl or zitless and I've never been plagued with acne. 

But suddenly the zits are taking over.  

I have 2 on my chin, 1 on my nose, 1 on my forehead and like 4 right at my hairline!  Ew, hairline zits!  And they appear out of nowhere.  Last night I showered at  5 in the afternoon, no zits. At 8pm when I looked at myself in the mirror again all of the aforementioned zits had appeared out of nowhere!

I'm not actually complaining even though I know it sounds like I am.  

Symptoms = pregnant!

I just want this all written down somewhere so that I can't say I had no symptoms in my first trimester which is my tendency when people ask me how I'm feeling.  I'm like "oh, no, no nausea, other than being tired, I feel fine!"  

I know some people have their head in a toilet for months and so I suppose having what I consider minimal morning sickness doesn't deserve the label and I don't want anyone to think I'm complaining.

But that's real life, here in blogland I'm keeping it real!  And real means, I feel like crap, first trimester sucks, can't wait for the 2nd trimester which is just 2 weeks away!

Things I Finally Quit Doing

You all will be happy to hear that now as we are just 2 weeks away from the end of the first trimester I have gained a teeny tiny bit of confidence and I have quit doing the following:

I go through my day not obsessing over how tired or not tired I am.  Disappearing symptoms are indeed a sign of miscarriage, so I constantly worried about my symptoms.  Without fail at some point a wave of exhaustion sweeps over me and whereas previously I had been waiting patiently for it, it now takes me unaware and I'm like 'oh yeah, still only 11 weeks...still first trimester, still tired...damnit'

I don't worry about being pregnant in my dreams anymore.  I have SUCH. CRAZY. DREAMS. that half the time it doesn't even matter if I'm pregnant in them or not the sheer craziness of them is enough for me to know that I am still pregnant.  Also I have like a million every night, not just one but several, it's strange.  I seem to remember pre pregnancy my nights having one...possibly two dreams a night, and some nights I wouldn't remember my dreams at all.  Now I wake up in a state of confusion, like WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

I don't take my temperature every morning anymore.  I do it occasionally, probably about twice a week...ok, maybe 3 but it's not every day and definitely not more than once a day like I was doing.  Oh yeah, afternoon temping just to MAKE SURE it was still up?  I was totally doing that.

This is what we call PROGRESS people.

Oh yes, we're making progress.

I even had a moment the other day where I desperately prayed for my kid to come out with blonde hair.

Yep, not that I would get to keep the baby, that the baby would live, no morbid thoughts whatsoever, pure vanity took over and I prayed for a little green eyed tow-head.  What?  Don't you all want your kids to look exactly like you?

I also think that at 12 weeks I will start my bump pics, seems like as good a starting point as any.  I wish I would have started them already, but I remember too vividly coming home from finding out the baby had no heartbeat and having pictures on my computer staring at me.  I erased them all without a second's thought and haven't even considered taking them anew until now.  Like I said, I think 12 weeks is a good place to start.

Anyway, I still worry.

I constantly push on my tummy to feel my uterus and to see if I can discern if it is getting bigger.  

I can't.  

I can find my uterus but whether it's bigger than it was a week ago is a complete mystery to me.  I can't wait until there's a discernible difference IN THE MIRROR.

I can't completely step away from the thermometer.  Even though my theory about temperature and miscarriage may have been debunked, I also still think it holds water, there are just caveats!  Like, it doesn't work with a blighted ovum, because in that instance your body THINKS it's pregnant with a baby, whereas after a miscarriage your body may not expel the fetus right away but it recognizes the pregnancy is no longer progressing, thus the disappearing symptoms and I BELIEVE a temperature drop.

I also still have definite moments of panic where I am seconds away from calling my midwives to see if I can come by their office and get them to Doppler me, just so I can hear the heart beating again.

Btw, hearing the heartbeat on Thurs kept me sane for exactly 1.5 days, by Saturday morning I was back to worrying that we wouldn't hear a heartbeat at the next appt.  Which is why I haven't called my midwives because I can't go by there every 3 days!!!

What can I say?  Progress comes in BABY steps.  One little thing at a time.

My next appt is Jan. 30, I think I can hold on to my sanity until then to hear the heartbeat again, but no promises.

Thank You

To everyone who commented on Friday's Anonymous Bitch post...

THANK YOU!

That turned out to be my most commented post EVER and I thank you all for lending your opinions on what makes an "infertile" and why you do or do NOT consider yourselves infertile.

Also thank you for all being NICE because I think that's the point.  We all don't need to agree but there's no point in being mean.  

I think Ess said it best with: 

"Blogs about infertility, fertility challenges, or the TTC path don't have room for jealousy or negativity. The goal is support, advice, and friendship in my opinion."

For clarification purposes I was not actually angry or offended by AB I was annoyed that she had the audacity to call me insensitive and then not leave her name.  I would have LOVED if she would have commented again and told us her story and what makes an infertile in her opinion (and why I don't qualify).  I'm truly interested.  Surely there's one of us that has a story similar to her own that she can relate to and maybe she could have found some support!

I want to thank AB again because her comment made for a great post and I hope she comes back and reads all the fuss I've made out of her single comment.

I learned a few interesting things from all of you:

1) Most of you started to believe there was a problem somewhere around the 6 month mark, whether or not you were medically diagnosed or did anything about it is beside the point, it seems to be 6 months when most of you had a "feeling" that something wasn't right.

2) Not all of you consider yourselves infertile regardless of the medical criteria!  This was super interesting to me because a few of you have been trying for well over a year with no pregnancy but because you ovulate or have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" ie. there's no medical reason for your lack of pregnancy, you don't consider yourselves infertile.

3) Infertile is not just a medical diagnosis, it's a state of mind.  You can't just tell someone they are infertile and expect them to accept it, they have to come to terms with it themselves before they can really call themselves infertile and some people choose not to, again regardless of what the medical community thinks.

P.S. I almost threw up this morning cooking breakfast.  Can MS randomly show up at 2 days shy of 11 weeks?

Anonymous Bitch

I'm dedicating a whole post to this because:

a) this is my first anonymous bitchy comment...I feel like my blog is a "big girl" now, like she's all grown up and big enough to be getting bitchy comments =)

and

b) bitchy anonymous commenter actually brought up an interesting topic to blog about!  Thanks Bitchy Anonymous Commenter!

So, here is her comment:

FFS, you are a "fertile." You've been pregnant twice, and although miscarriage is sad it's very common. I understand that you may have identified yourself as infertile prior to becoming pregnant on an unmedicated cycle, but your continued use of the term "infertile" to describe yourself is insensitive to women who have never been pregnant despite numerous invasive procedures. 

Here's my thoughts.

First, HAHAHAHAHAHA, me, fertile?  Are you fucking kidding me?  If you remove the 18 months prior to this second pregnancy, then SURE, I'm fertile.  Can we do that?  Just remove the part of our TTC journeys that don't produce desirable results?  GROOVY, I'm in.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I consider myself infertile.  Even if I can manage a successful pregnancy at some point, infertility is still a part of me.  And btw, I'm only at 10 weeks of this pregnancy, I'm so glad AB (that's anonymous bitch) is so confident in my ability to bring this pregnancy to term!  You can't erase the journey that has brought me here, you can't lift the veil of infertility so easily.

If you wanna get technical...and medical, infertility is defined by the inability to conceive after one year of trying.  Even if we take out everything since the miscarriage it was more than a year before I got pregnant the first time...and only with the help of my good friend Clomid.

But the inability to conceive is not the all-inclusive definition of infertility, it includes women who have conceived successfully but cannot bring a child to term.  Are you really gonna tell a woman who has had 8 miscarriages that just because she can get pregnant without medical assistance that she isn't infertile?  Are you going to tell someone who has had failed IVF and then suddenly ended up pregnant without medical assistance that she isn't infertile?  Is IVF somehow the end all, be all of infertility?  Only invasive medical procedures make you infertile?

I have an anovulatory disorder, DIAGNOSED, that makes it damn near impossible for me to ovulate, I have ovulated 3 times in 18 months, twice with medical assistance, once a total fluke.  ONCE on my own since coming of birth control more than 2 years ago.  I'm pretty sure I just stated 2 facts that in fact make me infertile regardless of how many times I have been pregnant and how I ended up pregnant. 

1. It has been 18 months since we started trying to have a baby and I am still childless.

2. Ahem, I don't ovulate.

The crazy lucky conception that happened the one time I ovulated on my own, is exactly that, CRAZY FUCKING LUCKY.

Now, regarding AB's comments about miscarriage.  I've never said my miscarriage makes me infertile.  It actually has very very little to do with the infertility.  It is an extra pile of shit that was thrown at me AFTER dealing with infertility for a year.

But the miscarriage is also what finally brought me to my knees in my journey.  It was my breaking point, where I finally broke down, really came out on my blog as infertile and sought help and support from all of you wonderful ladies.  I'd been dealing with anovulation, 105 day cycles, naturopaths, acupuncturists, Clomid and trigger shots all without saying much here, but it was the miscarriage that took my infertility to a new level of hell.

So, everyone give me your thoughts?

At what point in your journey did you become "infertile"?  Not necessarily medically diagnosed, but when you finally gave in and accepted that baby making wasn't going to be easy and that you may in fact have a problem and started to relate to the "infertiles" more than the "fertiles"?

My point came when I finally broke down and made that first RE appt, fully aware that they were going to prescribe me Clomid and I was taking my first step down the unknown road of infertility treatments.

And all of you others who are pregnant after infertility right alongside me, with or without medical assistance, do you still consider yourself infertile?  

And to anyone who's had a baby after infertility, do you still consider yourself infertile?

And just in case anyone else thinks AB has a point, does anyone consider me insensitive for continuing to use the term infertile to describe myself?

Sigh of Relief

Houston, we have a heartbeat.

10 weeks 1 day.

I managed to work myself into such a tizzy this morning that I had elevated blood pressure, left with a massive headache and am now so tired I could fall asleep here at the kitchen table and it's barely 11am.

Turns out I was worrying for nothing.

Everything is fine.

Btw, this was NOT an actual ultrasound appt, this was just my first prenatal appt, so the ultrasound WAS NOT ACTUALLY THE MAIN EVENT.

Honestly the ultrasound was crap, it was one of those tiny portable ones and she did an abdominal ultrasound without my bladder being full.  I couldn't see a damn thing, though Dom says the little bugger was moving around like crazy =)

But I don't really care because I got to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler.

And I cried.

I have got to stop crying in Dr.'s offices.

It's embarrassing.  

Even happy tears are embarrassing.

Huge difference between these appts and the RE appts, they did no measuring of the baby at all.  We had a heartbeat and that was all anyone was concerned with.

Guys, I feel LIKE A FERTILE.  Is this how pregnant women with no fertility issues get treated?  It's so...lax.  It's like you're pregnant, congratulations, here's a packet of info, there's the heartbeat, see you in a month.  Less pampering, less specialized care, not sure how I feel about it.

Anyway, next up is my appt with my midwives who will be assisting with my home birth IF ALL CONTINUES ON THE PATH OF FANTASTICNESS in the next week or so.  I should get to hear a heartbeat once again...can't wait!

Aw look, there it is...actual excitement, it worked it's way in through the layers of grief and anxiety...at least for a moment, no guarantees on it lasting ;-)

The Morning Sickness Theories

I don't really have any morning sickness.

Since I don't have morning sickness but would like to believe it's not just because my baby isn't alive I'm exploring other theories and I need some help from you other preggos.

The first theory is of course that it's a boy, you don't get morning sickness if you're pregnant with boys.  I bet there's tons of people who can debunk this and tell me that their boy pregnancy left them sick as a dog and also that they had no morning sickness with their girls.

I will go ahead and say this one is crap, but it's the go-to theory for people when you tell them you don't have any morning sickness, "Oh, you're having a boy!"

The other theory is that if you have a strong stomach you are less likely to develop morning sickness.

This is me.

I have a strong stomach.

I've never thrown up from eating something that I found disgusting.

Throwing up from the flu?  I'm sure I did it as a kid it but not in the last 20 years.

I've never had motion sickness.

My throwing up from drinking is minimal.  I can count how many times drinking too much has made me throw up.  It's always a memorable experience because throwing up is rare for me.

Is this the reason I have no morning sickness?

Preggo ladies, let me hear from you.

Do you have a strong stomach?  weak stomach?

Does your MS reflect either your strong or weak stomach?

Ultrasound is less than 24 hours away and I am TERRIFIED now.  I don't want to go.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CANCEL IT.

Things We Don't Talk About

We don't really talk about the baby.

My pregnancy, yes, a baby resulting from said pregnancy, no.

I know that I am emotionally scarred and too terrified to start talking about a pregnancy in terms of a baby.  The future in regards to the pregnancy and baby is Jan. 19, ultrasound day, and not a day farther.  As though not talking about it somehow keeps it from being real and if it's not real then it can't be ripped away, and it's becoming clear that my husband may be experiencing something similar.

I'm pretty sure it's normal, even in these early weeks to have discussions about the baby's sex and maybe even begin throwing names out there, just to see if the other person is on the same page as you.  After all, it's supposed to be an exciting new time and what's the harm in starting to prepare early?

We did this with the first pregnancy, as we got closer and closer to that monumental 12 weeks, we began talking names and gender. We concentrated on boy names, since I was getting a very strong boy vibe from my uterus and even decided on a few that we liked.

I had also begun crib hunting online, since they always say it takes months to get a crib I figured I would see what was out there.  I came nowhere near a decision, but I looked.

Once I even took a walk through the stroller section of Target.

We were tiptoeing, but at least we were moving in the right direction.

With this pregnancy I don't know when we'll do all these things.  But I know we're not doing them now.

We've never talked about the gender of the baby.  There have been no, It's a Boy! No, It's a Girl! "fights" that many couples have.  I'm getting a boy vibe again, but I've never told Dom that and he's never asked.  The honest to god truth is that it doesn't even matter enough for a discussion.  We don't care.  At all.

We've never talked about names.  Why would I want to name something I might have to give up?  I'm glad we didn't know the sex of Baby A and I'm glad we didn't name it.  How much harder would it be to lose a son or daughter than just a baby of unknown gender?

We've never talked about what goes in the nursery and what needs to be done to make it a nursery.  We've in fact barely been able to call it the nursery again.  Most of the time that we've been in this house waiting to have a baby it's been the designated "crap" room, then it spent a brief few months as a nursery and then became the crap room again.  We've just barely, as we approach 10 weeks started calling it the nursery once more. Again, it's like if we begin making plans for a nursery then it's all "real" and it can all be taken away.

We have tickets to the Olympics in London next year, they're in August, the 2 weeks before my due date.  Consciously we know if all goes well we cannot go on this trip since I'll be about to give birth.  But we haven't made any moves to sell our tickets.

I think we're kind of frozen. 

Will Thursday's ultrasound change things for us?  Will be able to look farther into the future after that?  I don't know.  I do not know what emotions seeing a heartbeat at 10 weeks will bring.  After all, it's only a week and a half farther along than Baby A, is that far enough past that point to get excited?  To let our guard down a little.

Only time will tell.  2 more days...just 2 more days.

A Different Kind of Infertile

As we all know there are MANY different kinds of infertiles.  Each and every one of us has our own unique problems and reasons as to why we either cannot get pregnant or cannot carry a child to term.  Our individual journeys lead us down very different paths but we all share the same goal.

Mrs. Green Grass wrote today about how she picks which kind of infertility blogger she will follow, finding those with stories and journeys most similar to her own.  I think we all do this no?  I am always looking for others who have had at least one miscarriage and who's conception problems lie with an anovulatory disorder.

But lately I feel a little bit alone in where my journey has led me.  There seem to be few out there who are pregnant 8 weeks post-miscarriage and it's sort of an odd, lonely place to be where it feels like someone hit the repeat button on my life.  I am a different kind of infertile now.

I spent a year being the kind of infertile that doesn't ovulate and thus can't get pregnant on her own.

It was a shitty shitty year.

I can get pregnant now, I've managed twice in 5 months.

But I am still infertile.

This journey will always be with me, regardless of what the outcome may be.

Still infertile...just a different kind of infertile.  And it's a whole different kind of scary.

I am no longer scared of never being able to conceive again, which after the miscarriage was what tore me apart.  I felt like that was our ONE chance to have a baby and that once it was over, that was it, no baby for us.

My fears now lie solely with RPL (that's Recurrent Pregnancy Loss for those folks who are not versed in infertility speak).  Early in this pregnancy I prayed that if it all had to end that it would end early this time.  Somewhere before hitting 6 weeks and you can hardly even wrap your brain around that positive pee stick.

I've said that I've made peace with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy may be, and it's true, I have.  I have confidence that if we lose this one we will have another chance.  Does that make thoughts of miscarriage less scary?  No, but it makes them manageable.

So, where am I now?  I still do not ovulate...or do I???  And I still do not have a child and I am still only in the first i.e. scary! trimester of pregnancy.  But I've been pregnant twice in really quick succession and it's really hard to wrap my brain around the changes.

Oddly I still relate MOST to those who do not ovulate and those who have had a very recent miscarriage, regardless of the reasons for their infertility.  And yet NEITHER of these things really relate to where I am currently at in my journey.

And while yes, just like all the other pregnant after infertility bloggers out there, I do hope to turn this into a pregnancy blog...eventually, for now it has to remain a Paranoid About RPL blog.

I hope you are all good with that because you're not going to be getting weekly bump pics, nursery designs or gender discussions from this girl anytime soon!

Are there others of you out there?  Are there others who are hesitant to accept their pregnancies and wouldn't dream of buying any baby related items for months still???

And btw I am 9 weeks 2 days and I have less than a week for that damn ultrasound.

Still Feel 8 Weeks Pregnant

And now I know why I always feel 8 weeks pregnant.

I am 9 weeks today.  Turns out it doesn't feel any different than 8 weeks 6 days.

I am hesitant to move forward mentally.

I literally can't let myself move beyond 8 weeks 5 days because I DON'T KNOW IF BABY IS ALIVE!

I have so few symptoms that it's really hard to determine if they are still with me or not.

Honestly I could be convinced either way.  Why no, no I'm not tired at all.  No, my boobs don't hurt.  No, I'm not nausea.  Or just as easily, why yes, yes I am tired, I should take a nap.  Yes, my boobs DO hurt.  And hmm, I think maybe I am nauseous.

I'm easily swayed.

What scared me this morning was that I woke up from a dream in which I WAS NOT PREGNANT.  Now this might not seem like a big deal, but last time after the baby died I WAS NEVER PREGNANT IN MY DREAMS ANYMORE.  So, I may or may not have had a little freak out session this morning in which I convinced myself that little 85 was no longer with us.

I also made a terrible discovery from someone else's blog, she is in the process of miscarrying, been diagnosed with a blighted ovum but has yet to pass her baby AND HER TEMPERATURE IS STILL UP.

Fuck.

So much for my brilliant theory of How to Tell If You're Baby is Still Alive by Obsessing Over Your Thermometer.

So for the next week and a day until the ultrasound I think I will just stay 8 weeks 5 days pregnant...

8 Weeks Pregnant Forever

I feel like I have been 8 weeks pregnant forever.

Let me explain.

First pregnancy I made it all the way to 12 weeks.

BUT

Baby actually stopped growing somewhere between 8 and 9 weeks, after discovering this, in my head it's like I was 8.5 weeks pregnant for an extra 4 weeks.  Since the pregnancy did not progress I did not actually experience pregnancy at 9, 10, 11 and 12 weeks.  Just 8 weeks...a lot.

Then I was NOT pregnant for 8 weeks (oh 8 weeks, you keep popping up over and over again).

And now here we are in that in between 8 and 9 weeks again.

8 weeks CAME SO FAST.

I was like, wait what?!  we're at 8 weeks already?! 

But good god, I'm STILL ONLY IN THE 8TH WEEK?!

These last 6 days HAVE DRAGGED ON AND ON AND ON.

Tomorrow is 9 weeks and we will finally, officially be in a new week, A BRAND NEW UNEXPLORED TERRITORY WEEK.

I feel like I'm just going to be in the first trimester forever.  It's like I've been pregnant since July...with a short break in October (the only month I was not pregnant at all in since July) where I could drink again...and then REPEAT.

Oddly my belly immediately went back to it's 8 week pregnant status immediately upon discovering it was pregnant.

It had gone back flat again fairly quickly post miscarriage and then BAM 5 weeks pregnant and I have the 8 week belly back.

And it's just stayed that way ever since.

SEE, 8 WEEKS PREGNANT FOREVER.

85

85% of women who have had ONE miscarriage go on to have a healthy pregnancy.
(And it's 75% if you've had 2 or more, STILL a high number!)

This is a FANTASTIC statistic.

One of the best I've heard in this game of statistics.

So much better than 20-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.

I don't like that one so much.

But 85%!  Great great number.

In honor of this huge huge statistic, I have taken to calling my baby 85.

I talk to him a lot, tell him he has an 85% chance of surviving and that he needs to just keep growing AND ALL WILL BE OK.

And two days ago, me and little 85 had a moment.

I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep (in the middle of the day) and I had that feeling, that feeling that everything was going to be OK and that one day I would get to meet little 85.

And ever since then I have felt a certain amount of positivity and hopefulness take over the negative feelings that I have been splashing all over this blog.

I have SEVERAL posts that I was going to post this week, all of them with a tinge of negativity, not because I was necessarily feeling negative but as most of you know our blogs are a way to force the negativity out, to give it a voice and then we can let go of it.

But today I didn't have it in me to post any of my posts.  They were TOO negative, EVEN FOR ME!

Today is 8 weeks 5 days, we've hit the milestone where Baby A stopped growing and my temperature is still way way up.

Guys, for the first time I'm able to say I think 85 just might make it.  One week and 3 days until first ultrasound and praying hard for a heartbeat.

Hormones They Are A'Ragin

Today is 8 weeks 3 days, my first milestone in that this was the day we saw Baby A's heartbeat for the 2nd and last time.  So, milestone is that I have made it as far as I made it last time...now we concentrate on making it FARTHER!

Yesterday I felt like I got a fresh new batch of hormones.

Generally in the first trimester there is a certain level of tiredness.  This seems to be the one and only symptom of early pregnancy that no woman can escape.  I've been going to bed at 10pm at the latest and I try to take a nap during the day and if not napping I at least lie down for an hour during the day because I'm so tired.

But yesterday, yesterday the tiredness turned to exhaustion.  At 3 separate times during the day I called it quits and went to take a nap.  All 3 times I was dead tired but couldn't quite fall asleep, so I lay "resting" for an hour and a half to 2 hours...3 times!  That's pretty much the whole day shot.  I accomplished little.

All you ladies who work through your first trimester, you get a big giant gold star.  How the hell do you stay awake all day?!

THEN even after all the resting I decided at 9:15pm that that was it, I was done, time for bed.  And wouldn't you know it not 5 minutes of reading and I was OUT!  So out that when my husband came to bed 3 hours later I didn't even wake up.  That's rare guys, rare.  I almost always wake up for a minute or two when he comes to bed, ask him if he turned the heat down and turned out all the lights and then fall right back to sleep.

I am hoping today is better.

I also, generally speaking once again do not have morning sickness.  My kitties wake me up at 5am every morning because they want out (and to take my temperature!) and I have a bit of nausea, but I can easily fall back asleep and when I wake up to start the day hours later my morning sickness is gone.  

This morning however I woke up at 4, felt like shit, went back to sleep.  Then I woke up at 5, still felt like shit, went back to sleep.  Woke up AGAIN at 6 and again at 7 and STILL felt shitty.  Finally at 8am the nausea had subsided and I got up.  Longest bout of morning sickness to date.

And finally, I had my first ever HUSBAND GO OUT AND GET ME THIS NOW sort of craving.  Last night after seeing a commercial with cinnamon rolls, suddenly I NEEDED a cinnamon roll OR a Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookie AND ONLY THOSE TWO THINGS were gonna cut it.  But we don't have junk food in the house...none.  It was not just a "sweets" craving like I had with my last pregnancy where from week 6-9 I just wanted to eat desserts.  We had some dark chocolate and I also had almond flour chocolate chip cookies I'd made but those were NOT what I wanted.  So off to the store he went to buy Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies.  I had 2 cookies, craving soothed and that was all I needed.

SO STRANGE.

I am taking these all as very good signs.  Adding them to the fact that my temp is still up and I'm gonna go ahead and say that at 8weeks 3 days my baby is once again still alive and kicking.

Let's keep it up!  Hormones, bring it on!  

Ectopic Scare

Written Dec. 22

Only an infertile can scare herself into believing she has an ectopic pregnancy when she is at NO risk for an ectopic.

That's right, not just LOW risk, I'm at NO risk.  Ok, it's probably actually like 1% or something like that, but my Dr. literally said NO risk to me.

At 5weeks 5 days I started having some lower abdominal pain, slightly off to the right side WHERE I IMAGINE MY FALLOPIAN TUBES TO BE.  Not cramping, not stabbing, just a dull achy sensation that I've never experienced before and since this is my 2nd pregnancy and all I AM TOTALLY AN EXPERT.

I ignored it for 2 days.  It was intermittent, and not sharp or overly painful, just obnoxious.  AND THEN I GOOGLED.  I was convinced that I would need stronger symptoms for an ectopic, ie stabbing pain, bleeding, you know not just a dull ache, but then Dr. Google said SOME WOMEN ONLY EXPERIENCE A DULL ACHY SENSATION IN THE LOWER ABDOMEN and my heart sank.

I KNEW IT WAS ECTOPIC.

So we called my Dr. and got an appt for the following afternoon for an ultrasound.  Just the fact that they got me in for such a quick ultrasound only further convinced me that we had in fact lost our 2nd pregnancy in 3 months.

With heavy hearts we sat through another ultrasound WHERE THE TECHNICIAN SAYS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR 20 MINUTES even though we'd just explained that we're just a few months post miscarriage and thus very nervous.  Finally after what seemed like hours we get confirmation that:

1. The pregnancy is in the uterus.

2. I was measuring exactly 6 weeks along, which according to my calculations is spot on.

3. I have absolutely no idea what's going on with my body when it comes to this pregnancy.

We left feeling slightly foolish for giving into panic and not relaxing into the pregnancy like we swore we would but at least we knew we weren't dealing with an ectopic pregnancy and we wouldn't be rushing to the ER Christmas morning with a burst tube.

The pain continues off and on, I have no idea what it is, BUT AT LEAST IT'S NOT AN ECTOPIC PREGNANCY.

Update from today, the pain went away about a week after we visited the Dr. but not before it got WAY WORSE, bent over in pain and can't walk worse.  My Dr. mentioned at the time that I had a rather large cyst on my right ovary and that that might have been what was bugging me.  Perhaps my cyst burst?  I still have no idea for sure what it was, but it's gone now.  In hindsight, while we may have felt slightly foolish I am very glad we got that ultrasound because of how bad the pain got days later.

And I am also glad that it is now gone.

8 weeks 2 days today...3 more days until I hit my first milestone and my temp is still up.

Thermometer Obsession

As I wait patiently for 10 weeks to roll around I find I have become obsessed with my thermometer.

I know I cannot change the outcome of this pregnancy.  I cannot control if I will have a baby next August or if sometime between now and then things will go amok and I will experience a 2nd miscarriage in a very short space of time.

So, grasping at things that I CAN control I am still taking my temperature religiously every morning because I have heard that your temp will drop before an impending miscarriage.

Since I had stopped temping after learning I was pregnant last time I have no idea if I could have foreseen my miscarriage or if this is in any way factual.

But it's SOMETHING I can do each and every morning and every morning that I have a high temperature I can relax that THAT day is not going to be the day I miscarry.

Sad, but true.

This is what miscarriage has done to me.

I'm literally WAITING for a miscarriage and taking my temperature to ensure that I know WHEN it will happen rather than being caught off guard like last time.

Sick.  This is sick.  I know it's sick.  I'm almost ashamed to admit it.

But a huge part of where the pain came from with the miscarriage was that for nearly 4 weeks I had been walking around thinking I was pregnant, taking weekly photos and finally posting on Facebook only to be slapped in the face with the fact that my baby died long before I started bleeding and I HAD NO IDEA.  Yes, I did have an inkling with the disappearing symptoms and in hindsight I can tell you that I knew, but I didn't bring those thoughts fully into my consciousness during those 4 weeks, they were well hidden, buried deep down and covered by Drs and midwives insisting everything was fine.

So, I am preparing myself for the worst.  I will not be caught off guard this time.  If I wake up one morning between now and Jan. 19 with a low temperature I will be able to make peace with the fact that I am more than likely not going to see a beating heart at that ultrasound, if my temp is still up on Jan. 19 I will allow myself to finally expect a heartbeat.

I hate that this is where I am at.  But I can't slip down into that hole that I found myself in last time.  The place where newborn babies and other people's pregnancies are no longer a source of joy, they are a source of pain.  The place where I found myself saying "I never liked babies" when you can see clearly up at the top right corner of my page I have always loved babies.  I know I came out of it a bit more bitter and more cynical, but I came out of it alive and in one piece and for that I am grateful.

So through this double take of the first trimester the thermometer obsession will continue.

Two for Three

In terms of ovulating I have managed to get pregnant 2 out of the 3 times that I have ovulated in the 18 months that we said goodbye to birth control.

THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, I HAVE OVULATED EXACTLY 3 TIMES IN 18 MONTHS.  That number makes me want to throw up.  Three chances when normal people have 18.  I give myself some credit for achieving 2 pregnancies out of those very very shitty odds, but COME ON!

If it wasn't clear before, it's definitely clear now, I totally have a problem ovulating and I do not have a problem getting pregnant.  I also do not have implantation issues or progesterone issues since I am once again at 8 weeks already with no signs of trouble.  At least we're eliminating problems I DO NOT have as we continue along this journey.

Whether or not I have a problem STAYING pregnant is still to be determined.

Obviously with Baby A something went amiss, but whether it was him or it was me we will never know.

With every fiber of my being I am praying that it was little Baby A's chromosomes that just didn't mix properly and NOT an issue I have with carrying a baby to term.

Since I was able to ovulate on my own this time just after a pregnancy, this REALLY brings it home for me that I probably ovulated those first few months after coming off the pill and that those months would have been the IDEAL time to start a family.  Because after all the pill is just mimicking pregnancy for your ovaries.  They were probably beautifully cyst free for awhile, popping out an egg each and every month like a normal woman.  Can you imagine?  I might have been able to skip this whole journey...

Ok, those are unhealthy thoughts.  UNHEALTHY THOUGHTS.  I cannot change the past, only the future.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my one regret in this whole baby making journey is that we waited 6 months after coming off the pill to start trying.  The only months that I probably ovulated and we wasted them.

HUGE REGRET and advice for anyone with PCOS, START TRYING AS SOON AS YOU COME OFF BIRTH CONTROL.

Do not wait for you body to normalize, normal is bad.

I am 8 weeks today, just a few more days until we hit the point that we lost Baby A.  Everyone please cross your fingers that Baby B keeps growing and we see a heartbeat on Jan. 19!

Bring Home Baby #1 Take 2

Yep, I'm pregnant again.

2nd cycle post miscarriage.  I ovulated on my own.  We had sex just once in my "fertile window" with no knowledge that it was in fact my "fertile window" until days later when 3 high temps confirmed ovulation had in fact happened.

No Clomid.  No Dr.'s appts.  Nothing.

I almost called my RE twice in the 2WW because I was SO SURE that I wasn't pregnant.  Once to call and ask for CD3 blood tests because I haven't had those done in a year and wanted to see if everything was the same and once because I had a fleeting moment of Why Aren't We Doing Clomid This Cycle? And almost called him to give me a Clomid prescription because I knew my period was coming on Friday and I wanted to pick the prescription up on Friday so I could start taking the pills on Monday, CD3.

I WAS THAT SURE.

Remember the Indian food?
and the depression?
and the general feeling of weepiness?

Yeah, not post ovulation symptoms...early pregnancy symptoms.

Sometimes called it.  After each of those posts she threw out the Maybe You're Pregnant! comments.  I so thought she was wrong, but turns out I was wrong and she was right.

So this is what making babies is supposed to be like?!

Carefree and thought-free and obsession free?

I even waited until 2 days past when my period was due before I peed on stick.

Convinced I had just set myself up for a very very bad day.

And instead I got double pink lines.

I didn't know what to do with myself.  Kept trying to think WHAT DO NORMAL PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY FIND OUT THEY'RE PREGNANT?

I had so many tests and ultrasounds done last time in those first few weeks because they MAKE YOU take a HPT 2 weeks after you ovulate and then they MAKE YOU do 2 blood tests and then they MAKE YOU have an ultrasound at 6 weeks and 8 weeks.

But there was no one to make me do anything this time.

So I've opted out of all of that and am waiting until 10 weeks for my first ultrasound.  You know, just like the FERTILES do it!

I saw my baby's heartbeat at 8 weeks 3 days last time and it still died, no amount of early scans are going to ease my mind until AFTER that fateful moment between the 8th and 9th week.

Jan. 19 here we come.

As we start over anew my heart goes out to Unaffected as she attempts to deal with the news she received yesterday, her 9 week ultrasound showed a baby with no heartbeat. Too many memories in the too recent past, but I wish her and her family well as they grieve and heal over the next few months.

Christmas Came Early For Us

Just when I was ready to write 2011 off as a total bust, it had one last little surprise for us.

Just 2 weeks before Christmas, I got my 2nd one of these:

On the heels of my anonymity post, and the one time I've wished this blog was anonymous, if you know me in real life PLEASE keep this information to yourselves.

I am 7 weeks, 5 days and considering what happened last time it is WAY too early for me to be spreading this news to the general public.

But out of respect for all of you who helped me through my darkest times and have been my sisters in this shithole of infertility I needed you all to know.

Also, 1 week from today marks the day that Baby A's heart stopped beating.  I have found a way to make peace with whatever the outcome of this pregnancy may be, but from now until my scan at 10 weeks will be the most anxious-ridden time for me and I know I will look to you ladies for some comfort, support and words of encouragement.

This year was still a shitty, shitty year, but it left one last little glimmer of hope and I can only pray that 2012 will follow through and bring us the joy that 2011 so cruelly took away.