And now I know why I always feel 8 weeks pregnant.
I am 9 weeks today. Turns out it doesn't feel any different than 8 weeks 6 days.
I am hesitant to move forward mentally.
I literally can't let myself move beyond 8 weeks 5 days because I DON'T KNOW IF BABY IS ALIVE!
I have so few symptoms that it's really hard to determine if they are still with me or not.
Honestly I could be convinced either way. Why no, no I'm not tired at all. No, my boobs don't hurt. No, I'm not nausea. Or just as easily, why yes, yes I am tired, I should take a nap. Yes, my boobs DO hurt. And hmm, I think maybe I am nauseous.
I'm easily swayed.
What scared me this morning was that I woke up from a dream in which I WAS NOT PREGNANT. Now this might not seem like a big deal, but last time after the baby died I WAS NEVER PREGNANT IN MY DREAMS ANYMORE. So, I may or may not have had a little freak out session this morning in which I convinced myself that little 85 was no longer with us.
I also made a terrible discovery from someone else's blog, she is in the process of miscarrying, been diagnosed with a blighted ovum but has yet to pass her baby AND HER TEMPERATURE IS STILL UP.
Fuck.
So much for my brilliant theory of How to Tell If You're Baby is Still Alive by Obsessing Over Your Thermometer.
So for the next week and a day until the ultrasound I think I will just stay 8 weeks 5 days pregnant...
Oh hon I know the first trimester all I did was obsess over every little thing because I was so scared that I had m/c. And, errr, well truth be told I am still doing the same thing in the second trimester. I think eventually you just have to roll with it and accept it might be happening. That u/s tho, where the baby actually looks like a baby will do lots for you. Oh and when your belly keeps growing and you haven't really changed your eating habits that will help convince you to. Stay away from Dr Google. Evil man. Evil.
ReplyDeleteaw, jes - listen, the next week and a day are going to be hell for you. you're probably not going to be able to relax, and being stressed is not good for you or your baby. why don't you see if you can move the appointment up. perhaps tell your doc that you're having a weird feeling and need to come in earlier. whatever it takes, get in there so you can see your baby and know that 85 is still ok.
ReplyDeletemy heart goes out to you. if and when i get pregnant, i have NO FUCKING IDEA how i'm going to make it through 9 1/2 months. i'll be a fucking mess. damn. maybe i should just be sedated and on bed rest the whole time and wake up after they've c-sectioned the baby (babies) out of me.
good luck, darlin'.
:( Dreams suck. Good luck getting through the next week, emotionally. Don't listen to your dreams, they are the place where your mind plays out the worst-case scenarios!
ReplyDeleteI hope the next week flies for you!
ReplyDeleteOh it must be such a tough wait for you. Your chances that all is fine are so high. Praying like crazy for you and 85. I'm sure it will be good news.
ReplyDeleteOh what an insanely long wait! Thinking of you!!!
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