Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Things We Don't Talk About

We don't really talk about the baby.

My pregnancy, yes, a baby resulting from said pregnancy, no.

I know that I am emotionally scarred and too terrified to start talking about a pregnancy in terms of a baby.  The future in regards to the pregnancy and baby is Jan. 19, ultrasound day, and not a day farther.  As though not talking about it somehow keeps it from being real and if it's not real then it can't be ripped away, and it's becoming clear that my husband may be experiencing something similar.

I'm pretty sure it's normal, even in these early weeks to have discussions about the baby's sex and maybe even begin throwing names out there, just to see if the other person is on the same page as you.  After all, it's supposed to be an exciting new time and what's the harm in starting to prepare early?

We did this with the first pregnancy, as we got closer and closer to that monumental 12 weeks, we began talking names and gender. We concentrated on boy names, since I was getting a very strong boy vibe from my uterus and even decided on a few that we liked.

I had also begun crib hunting online, since they always say it takes months to get a crib I figured I would see what was out there.  I came nowhere near a decision, but I looked.

Once I even took a walk through the stroller section of Target.

We were tiptoeing, but at least we were moving in the right direction.

With this pregnancy I don't know when we'll do all these things.  But I know we're not doing them now.

We've never talked about the gender of the baby.  There have been no, It's a Boy! No, It's a Girl! "fights" that many couples have.  I'm getting a boy vibe again, but I've never told Dom that and he's never asked.  The honest to god truth is that it doesn't even matter enough for a discussion.  We don't care.  At all.

We've never talked about names.  Why would I want to name something I might have to give up?  I'm glad we didn't know the sex of Baby A and I'm glad we didn't name it.  How much harder would it be to lose a son or daughter than just a baby of unknown gender?

We've never talked about what goes in the nursery and what needs to be done to make it a nursery.  We've in fact barely been able to call it the nursery again.  Most of the time that we've been in this house waiting to have a baby it's been the designated "crap" room, then it spent a brief few months as a nursery and then became the crap room again.  We've just barely, as we approach 10 weeks started calling it the nursery once more. Again, it's like if we begin making plans for a nursery then it's all "real" and it can all be taken away.

We have tickets to the Olympics in London next year, they're in August, the 2 weeks before my due date.  Consciously we know if all goes well we cannot go on this trip since I'll be about to give birth.  But we haven't made any moves to sell our tickets.

I think we're kind of frozen. 

Will Thursday's ultrasound change things for us?  Will be able to look farther into the future after that?  I don't know.  I do not know what emotions seeing a heartbeat at 10 weeks will bring.  After all, it's only a week and a half farther along than Baby A, is that far enough past that point to get excited?  To let our guard down a little.

Only time will tell.  2 more days...just 2 more days.


  1. Hang in there Jesica. You will get to do all of these things in a mad rush towards the end of your pregnancy. 85% don't forget it! The odds are in your favor.

    Olympics tickets for London in August? Check back with me when you decide to sell them. WOW.

    When we started TTC we never talked about what TTC would actually produce. We were ever cautious. I find this strange now looking back. Like did my body know something that we didn't? It has made it easier since we still have not concieved. The crap room...is still the crap room. It's okay to protect yourselves.

    Take care!

  2. Tickets to the Olympics? That is awesome I always have wanted to go and watch some track and field! With each u/s it gets better but it's hard to be so super excited when it's so early. We don't talk about names or gender or anything like that either. Too scary indeed. I can say after our last u/s and seeing the heartbeat again and actually seeing it move around was pretty amazing and it made me feel better but now I am scared about the NT scan in a couple weeks even though I did genetic testing on our embryos. Hang in there.

  3. I hate that you can't enjoy this. HATE.

    With that being said, I can't blame you. I know I will be the same way, if/when I get pregnant again. We did the same thing regarding the nursery... we had moved into a new house, and I purposely kept all boxes and junk out of that room, because it was going to be the nursery. Now, my husband has his dart board up in there and it's full of boxes. I don't want to rename the room, but I also can't bear to say the word "nursery" again. So for now, it's the room I point at and say "that room".

    I hope you don't get to go to the Olympics. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. <3

  4. Ahhh I know all of these feelings all too well. Thinking of you and praying Thursday goes really, really well. xoxo.

  5. I hope you know that we're always thinking and praying for y'all. :)

    I can't say that I know exactly how you feel or what you're going through right now, but I would say that almost ALL couples are slightly hesitant to share their "good news". We were. We considered waiting the three month period until we were at least out of the first trimester. We told only close family at first, and then told everyone else a while later. I still worry about my little guy every day. I'm just so thankful, but I still worry that everything could be ripped out from under me.

  6. Thinking of you..!!!! I hope that after the ultrasound you can start to feel more comfortable, more able to enjoy being pregnant.

  7. I thought that when I went yesterday, I would feel much better. And I did. But, it didn't ease my mind completely. I was relieved to hear a strong heart beat and see our baby measure right on. For the past 10 days, I kept thinking that once we made it to this appointment, I'd feel so much better. I do feel better, but now I'm thinking towards the next one. If we can make it to that one... I think it will be a constant battle and that is okay. Everything you're feeling is okay. Not many people experience what you have. You are going to worry, no matter what. As more time passes, I'm sure it will get easier. Just take it day by day.