As I wait patiently for 10 weeks to roll around I find I have become obsessed with my thermometer.
I know I cannot change the outcome of this pregnancy. I cannot control if I will have a baby next August or if sometime between now and then things will go amok and I will experience a 2nd miscarriage in a very short space of time.
So, grasping at things that I CAN control I am still taking my temperature religiously every morning because I have heard that your temp will drop before an impending miscarriage.
Since I had stopped temping after learning I was pregnant last time I have no idea if I could have foreseen my miscarriage or if this is in any way factual.
But it's SOMETHING I can do each and every morning and every morning that I have a high temperature I can relax that THAT day is not going to be the day I miscarry.
Sad, but true.
This is what miscarriage has done to me.
I'm literally WAITING for a miscarriage and taking my temperature to ensure that I know WHEN it will happen rather than being caught off guard like last time.
Sick. This is sick. I know it's sick. I'm almost ashamed to admit it.
But a huge part of where the pain came from with the miscarriage was that for nearly 4 weeks I had been walking around thinking I was pregnant, taking weekly photos and finally posting on Facebook only to be slapped in the face with the fact that my baby died long before I started bleeding and I HAD NO IDEA. Yes, I did have an inkling with the disappearing symptoms and in hindsight I can tell you that I knew, but I didn't bring those thoughts fully into my consciousness during those 4 weeks, they were well hidden, buried deep down and covered by Drs and midwives insisting everything was fine.
So, I am preparing myself for the worst. I will not be caught off guard this time. If I wake up one morning between now and Jan. 19 with a low temperature I will be able to make peace with the fact that I am more than likely not going to see a beating heart at that ultrasound, if my temp is still up on Jan. 19 I will allow myself to finally expect a heartbeat.
I hate that this is where I am at. But I can't slip down into that hole that I found myself in last time. The place where newborn babies and other people's pregnancies are no longer a source of joy, they are a source of pain. The place where I found myself saying "I never liked babies" when you can see clearly up at the top right corner of my page I have always loved babies. I know I came out of it a bit more bitter and more cynical, but I came out of it alive and in one piece and for that I am grateful.
So through this double take of the first trimester the thermometer obsession will continue.
I say do whatever you have to do to get you through these uncertain days. I can 100% relate to what you said about the hardest part was walking around for weeks thinking you were pregnant, when you weren't. That's my biggest issue with both my miscarriages also. If I could have known right away when the babies stopped developing, I think it could have been a little less tramautic for me. I really, really hope this pregnancy ends in the best possible way - a baby in your arms. Hang in there~
ReplyDeleteSending good thoughts your way!
ReplyDeleteSame here. I walked around for 6 weeks with a dead baby inside me. That's why I'm doing the weekly u/s this time. Temping is a good idea. I always wish I could try it but I never wake up at the same time, and I can never find a thermo that works. You have something that works for you and will get you through the tough first trimester. That's awesome!
ReplyDeleteI know precisely how you are feeling. I found out on the 20th that I am expecting again (after miscarrying our daughter in May 2010), and then struggling with IF. I am paranoid about any tinge, or cramp, or wetness (which as I am on crinone happens there is A LOT of). I hate this feeling of waiting for a miscarriage to come. I want to be excited about the pregnancy, and I do try to just enjoy it while I have it, but I'm sort of just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
ReplyDeleteI also understand the feeling of dread at pregnant women and new born babies, I thought that I was "getting over it" but then a woman told me her son's birthday was my EDD, and I cried. I use to love children, and baby showers, and all that stuff, now I look at it with dread. I am even struggling with if I want to have a shower, we were not far enough along with Rosemary so did not have one, but I have had such a miserable time forcing myself to go to them for others over the last year and a half that I'm not sure I will be able to enjoy going to my own (God willing that I get to the point where that is an option).
Anyway, not to hijack your post, but I completely relate and wanted to share that with you.
Infertility and loss ruins a lotofthings for us. But this one sounds like it is a keeper. I made myself a promise to embrace every moment with this pregnancy it was still hard and even tho I'm nearly 15 weeks I still worry evey day. I don't think I will relax till it is in my arms!
ReplyDeleteI had never heard that about the temp before...you can bet I will be just like you if, rather when, I get pregnant! I guess I was 'lucky' if you want to say, because they caught my miscarriage within the same week it happened. But that's only because I told them my symptoms all disappeared...guess I know why now. I so, so hope your temp stays high. keeping you in my thoughts!!!
ReplyDeleteI think if it is working for you and keeping your mind at ease, do it! Sending good vibes your way!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to have so much worry. I know I would feel the same way...so there isn't much I can say to help besides to just love that baby.
ReplyDeleteMissC