As I wait patiently for 10 weeks to roll around I find I have become obsessed with my thermometer.
I know I cannot change the outcome of this pregnancy. I cannot control if I will have a baby next August or if sometime between now and then things will go amok and I will experience a 2nd miscarriage in a very short space of time.
So, grasping at things that I CAN control I am still taking my temperature religiously every morning because I have heard that your temp will drop before an impending miscarriage.
Since I had stopped temping after learning I was pregnant last time I have no idea if I could have foreseen my miscarriage or if this is in any way factual.
But it's SOMETHING I can do each and every morning and every morning that I have a high temperature I can relax that THAT day is not going to be the day I miscarry.
Sad, but true.
This is what miscarriage has done to me.
I'm literally WAITING for a miscarriage and taking my temperature to ensure that I know WHEN it will happen rather than being caught off guard like last time.
Sick. This is sick. I know it's sick. I'm almost ashamed to admit it.
But a huge part of where the pain came from with the miscarriage was that for nearly 4 weeks I had been walking around thinking I was pregnant, taking weekly photos and finally posting on Facebook only to be slapped in the face with the fact that my baby died long before I started bleeding and I HAD NO IDEA. Yes, I did have an inkling with the disappearing symptoms and in hindsight I can tell you that I knew, but I didn't bring those thoughts fully into my consciousness during those 4 weeks, they were well hidden, buried deep down and covered by Drs and midwives insisting everything was fine.
So, I am preparing myself for the worst. I will not be caught off guard this time. If I wake up one morning between now and Jan. 19 with a low temperature I will be able to make peace with the fact that I am more than likely not going to see a beating heart at that ultrasound, if my temp is still up on Jan. 19 I will allow myself to finally expect a heartbeat.
I hate that this is where I am at. But I can't slip down into that hole that I found myself in last time. The place where newborn babies and other people's pregnancies are no longer a source of joy, they are a source of pain. The place where I found myself saying "I never liked babies" when you can see clearly up at the top right corner of my page I have always loved babies. I know I came out of it a bit more bitter and more cynical, but I came out of it alive and in one piece and for that I am grateful.
So through this double take of the first trimester the thermometer obsession will continue.