Things I Finally Quit Doing

You all will be happy to hear that now as we are just 2 weeks away from the end of the first trimester I have gained a teeny tiny bit of confidence and I have quit doing the following:

I go through my day not obsessing over how tired or not tired I am.  Disappearing symptoms are indeed a sign of miscarriage, so I constantly worried about my symptoms.  Without fail at some point a wave of exhaustion sweeps over me and whereas previously I had been waiting patiently for it, it now takes me unaware and I'm like 'oh yeah, still only 11 weeks...still first trimester, still tired...damnit'

I don't worry about being pregnant in my dreams anymore.  I have SUCH. CRAZY. DREAMS. that half the time it doesn't even matter if I'm pregnant in them or not the sheer craziness of them is enough for me to know that I am still pregnant.  Also I have like a million every night, not just one but several, it's strange.  I seem to remember pre pregnancy my nights having one...possibly two dreams a night, and some nights I wouldn't remember my dreams at all.  Now I wake up in a state of confusion, like WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

I don't take my temperature every morning anymore.  I do it occasionally, probably about twice a week...ok, maybe 3 but it's not every day and definitely not more than once a day like I was doing.  Oh yeah, afternoon temping just to MAKE SURE it was still up?  I was totally doing that.

This is what we call PROGRESS people.

Oh yes, we're making progress.

I even had a moment the other day where I desperately prayed for my kid to come out with blonde hair.

Yep, not that I would get to keep the baby, that the baby would live, no morbid thoughts whatsoever, pure vanity took over and I prayed for a little green eyed tow-head.  What?  Don't you all want your kids to look exactly like you?

I also think that at 12 weeks I will start my bump pics, seems like as good a starting point as any.  I wish I would have started them already, but I remember too vividly coming home from finding out the baby had no heartbeat and having pictures on my computer staring at me.  I erased them all without a second's thought and haven't even considered taking them anew until now.  Like I said, I think 12 weeks is a good place to start.

Anyway, I still worry.

I constantly push on my tummy to feel my uterus and to see if I can discern if it is getting bigger.  

I can't.  

I can find my uterus but whether it's bigger than it was a week ago is a complete mystery to me.  I can't wait until there's a discernible difference IN THE MIRROR.

I can't completely step away from the thermometer.  Even though my theory about temperature and miscarriage may have been debunked, I also still think it holds water, there are just caveats!  Like, it doesn't work with a blighted ovum, because in that instance your body THINKS it's pregnant with a baby, whereas after a miscarriage your body may not expel the fetus right away but it recognizes the pregnancy is no longer progressing, thus the disappearing symptoms and I BELIEVE a temperature drop.

I also still have definite moments of panic where I am seconds away from calling my midwives to see if I can come by their office and get them to Doppler me, just so I can hear the heart beating again.

Btw, hearing the heartbeat on Thurs kept me sane for exactly 1.5 days, by Saturday morning I was back to worrying that we wouldn't hear a heartbeat at the next appt.  Which is why I haven't called my midwives because I can't go by there every 3 days!!!

What can I say?  Progress comes in BABY steps.  One little thing at a time.

My next appt is Jan. 30, I think I can hold on to my sanity until then to hear the heartbeat again, but no promises.