Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Things I Finally Quit Doing

You all will be happy to hear that now as we are just 2 weeks away from the end of the first trimester I have gained a teeny tiny bit of confidence and I have quit doing the following:

I go through my day not obsessing over how tired or not tired I am.  Disappearing symptoms are indeed a sign of miscarriage, so I constantly worried about my symptoms.  Without fail at some point a wave of exhaustion sweeps over me and whereas previously I had been waiting patiently for it, it now takes me unaware and I'm like 'oh yeah, still only 11 weeks...still first trimester, still tired...damnit'

I don't worry about being pregnant in my dreams anymore.  I have SUCH. CRAZY. DREAMS. that half the time it doesn't even matter if I'm pregnant in them or not the sheer craziness of them is enough for me to know that I am still pregnant.  Also I have like a million every night, not just one but several, it's strange.  I seem to remember pre pregnancy my nights having one...possibly two dreams a night, and some nights I wouldn't remember my dreams at all.  Now I wake up in a state of confusion, like WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

I don't take my temperature every morning anymore.  I do it occasionally, probably about twice a week...ok, maybe 3 but it's not every day and definitely not more than once a day like I was doing.  Oh yeah, afternoon temping just to MAKE SURE it was still up?  I was totally doing that.

This is what we call PROGRESS people.

Oh yes, we're making progress.

I even had a moment the other day where I desperately prayed for my kid to come out with blonde hair.

Yep, not that I would get to keep the baby, that the baby would live, no morbid thoughts whatsoever, pure vanity took over and I prayed for a little green eyed tow-head.  What?  Don't you all want your kids to look exactly like you?

I also think that at 12 weeks I will start my bump pics, seems like as good a starting point as any.  I wish I would have started them already, but I remember too vividly coming home from finding out the baby had no heartbeat and having pictures on my computer staring at me.  I erased them all without a second's thought and haven't even considered taking them anew until now.  Like I said, I think 12 weeks is a good place to start.

Anyway, I still worry.

I constantly push on my tummy to feel my uterus and to see if I can discern if it is getting bigger.  

I can't.  

I can find my uterus but whether it's bigger than it was a week ago is a complete mystery to me.  I can't wait until there's a discernible difference IN THE MIRROR.

I can't completely step away from the thermometer.  Even though my theory about temperature and miscarriage may have been debunked, I also still think it holds water, there are just caveats!  Like, it doesn't work with a blighted ovum, because in that instance your body THINKS it's pregnant with a baby, whereas after a miscarriage your body may not expel the fetus right away but it recognizes the pregnancy is no longer progressing, thus the disappearing symptoms and I BELIEVE a temperature drop.

I also still have definite moments of panic where I am seconds away from calling my midwives to see if I can come by their office and get them to Doppler me, just so I can hear the heart beating again.

Btw, hearing the heartbeat on Thurs kept me sane for exactly 1.5 days, by Saturday morning I was back to worrying that we wouldn't hear a heartbeat at the next appt.  Which is why I haven't called my midwives because I can't go by there every 3 days!!!

What can I say?  Progress comes in BABY steps.  One little thing at a time.

My next appt is Jan. 30, I think I can hold on to my sanity until then to hear the heartbeat again, but no promises.


  1. I think you are doing a great job! baby steps is what it takes! I am excited for bump pictures :) & the 30th is right around the corner!

  2. So glad you are feeling better and enjoying things more. I know how hard it is!

  3. I think you're doing a fabulous job. It's not easy! All of your concerns and "antics" (ha ha!) are normal and understandable. I have a friend who bought a doppler (you can do it on Amazon) and I was tempted to do the same at one point but then I realized that it wouldn't change anything and would just make me more neurotic.

  4. Some people seem to be able to buy their own doppler things. I don't know if you want to go to that extreme (yet) or not haha. In any case, I'm glad you are slowly starting to relax and enjoy being pregnant!

  5. I can completely imagine what it would feel like to be pregnant again after loss. You are completely normal for what you have dealt with. I hope that you'll be able to find happiness in all if those moments, they only last for so long and you need those memories.
    I think 12 weeks is a good starting point for belly pics.

  6. I was totally in the same boat, for the first tri I only started to become calmer at 11weeks, then I had a wee panic blip at around 16weeks, but I think it's perfectly normal. I started belly shots at 12 weeks too. As time progresses you will get more and more comfortable, but our experiences will always have us with that little worry tucked away in the back of our minds!

  7. Please just know that you're in our thoughts and prayers. :)

  8. You are doing great! It's good to hear that after some time you start to gain at least a little confidence. I can't wait for the pics!

  9. Hey, I still give you super mad props for holding out to 10 weeks for the first ultrasound. Anything else is just gravy.

  10. It is sad how a loss ruins it for the next one... I remember feeling a whole different way being pregnant after a loss- it just wasn't the same- I didn't take a belly picture until 17 weeks. There is so much worry after loosing one but I think you are doing great!!

  11. Phew, I can finally comment on your blog! I don't know what's happened, but I haven't been able to for a few weeks. Therefore, I want to say congrats on a great appointment! I have a good feeling this will be your takehome baby! Also, screw that AB - she obviously has issues. And good job on these tiny steps to trying to worry less, although I'm sure the worry will always be there until you finally get to hold your baby in your arms (and then all sorts of new worries will start, lol). :)

  12. My Dr. once told me a lot of women come in quite often in the beginning to hear the heartbeat...so just saying... you wouldn't be alone if you decide to go in before the 30th to hear the heart again. :-) you can rent Dopplers too, to have at home, if that would make getting through the first part easier. :-)

  13. I think you are doing a great job. After 2 early losses, I was terrified & did all the same things you are. Sadly, it come with the territory. I did break down & by a doppler though..lol. You'll be seeing that bump before you know it!!

  14. Wait until you start having the dreams that you've had your baby and it's a cat...trust me, they will happen. So bizarre!