Bumpdate - 16 weeks

Wednesday again!

I must say that ever since I made it past 12 weeks the time just seem to FLY by.  It took FOREVER to get to 12 weeks but my god that was already a month ago!

How far along: 16 weeks

Weight Gain:  Same +5 lbs. The scale hasn't budged much from 127 since about 8 weeks.  I'm supposed to start gaining 1-2 lbs a week now, call me crazy but I'm looking forward to this part, gaining weight on purpose?  Sign me up! ...oh right, I'm already signed up, there's no going back now.

Maternity Clothes:  Maternity clothes are not working for me.  I have some leggings and I have some tank tops but they're pretty much my bedtime clothes, not clothes I wear out of the house.  I bought a dress from Target the other day online, it arrived and it is HUGE, it is NOT just extra material in the belly it is a TENT.  I imagine it will fit much later on but for now no dice.  Don't they have some "little bit pregnant" dresses?  Clothes that are still little with just a LITTLE extra room in the belly and boobage areas?  I should probably just go up a size in regular dresses but I'm worried about them not fitting AFTER baby is born and I'm also worried about them just looking baggy since I'm not OVERALL bigger just in the front!

What's up with my body: The round ligament pain that I had earlier on is BACK.  Ouch.  Constipation is still around, but thanks to Chon, having an orange a day has helped immensely and I'm hoping we can keep things at this semi-regular schedule that we have finally come back to.

And the dreams, the dreams are crazy!  They're very vivid and intense and I have so many dreams a night.  Every time I wake up in the middle of the night to pee or when I'm dozing in the early AM I wake up from yet another dream.  Dream after dream after dream.

An example of the bizarre things I'm dreaming about.

I dreamt I was Matt Damon stealing Donald Trump's car from his yacht, when I woke up I had just run over glass ala Bruce Willis style and was digging the glass out of my feet.

I dreamt I was fighting with a zombie, I woke up swatting at my cat because I thought he was a zombie trying to eat my face.  In reality he was just cleaning himself and apparently the motion next to my face dredged up a zombie eating my face.

I dreamt I was Cleopatra.  I don't remember anything else about this dream, just that I was Cleopatra.

I dreamt about coffee, lots and lots of coffee.  And I was trying to figure out how I was gonna drink it all because I was pregnant and not supposed to be drinking 12 cups of coffee a day...but I wanted to.

And I have lots of anxiety dreams, at least once a week I have a dream where I'm late for some sort of appt or a flight and my house is a mess and I'm trying to clean my house and pack my bags and people keep interrupting me and I'm having a terrible time trying to get it all done and make my flight or appt on time.  

Food Cravings/Aversions:  I don't talk about food much on these because I haven't had much in the way of food aversions or cravings.  I have pretty much stuck to the same diet I had pre-pregnancy, I just eat a bit more with more snacks in between meals.  But I've realized I actually do have one food aversion and I've had it for awhile.  I guess I never thought of it as an aversion because it's not an aversion to a TYPE of food it's an aversion to a preparation style.

My aversion is to LARGE CHUNKS OF MEAT, ie. steak, chicken breast, salmon filet, pork chop.  I am fine with all types of meat but I need them IN something, I don't want them by themselves as just a hunk of meat on my plate.  So, because of this I've been making a lot of casseroles and quiches lately.  Also a great way to get my spinach and leafy greens though, hide them in something!  This is also an amazing way to have leftovers and craploads of vegetables because I pretty much throw in all the vegetables I have in my fridge every time I make a quiche or casserole.  I'm LOVING casseroles and quiches!

Gender:  I'm back to thinking boy.  No reason for this, just what I'm feeling.  But I still have my sister whispering in my ear "it's a girl" because the heart rate was once again 130.  Btw I'm aware that google and every internet source out there says the low heart rate is boy, that is why this is specific to my sister and her own personal theory on heart rate/sex.  I've been testing it out on other people with kids or pregnant...she seems to be pretty spot on.

Bumpdate:  Husband is gone AGAIN, so you're getting a different version of the bump.  This is what the bump really looks like on a day to day basis.  I don't actually wear a black stretchy tank top and a long flowing white skirt every day of my life...in fact the black on top and white on the bottom TOGETHER is something I would NEVER wear out in public it just happened to be the only thing I have that will fit all the way through 40+ weeks.

Oh iPhone how I love trying to take pictures of myself with you.  Blurry. Tilted.  Awesome.  Whatevs, you get the idea.  Also, everyone understanding my dress situation?  Fits over the bump JUST FINE and this one is actually OK over the boobs because I bought it whilst pregnant but this is the style I'm drawn too and many in my closet are just too damn tight in the top!

I know I can't stop complaining about my clothes and if you're annoyed with me that's fine cause I'm totally annoyed with myself. Like if this is the biggest thing I have to complain about lately then life is good and maybe I should just shut the fuck up =)

But it doesn't mean I'm gonna shut up about it because this is my blog and honestly this IS the biggest problem in my life right now...constipation and trying to find dresses that fit.  I know, life is hard.  But honestly this is the calm AFTER the storm that was the end of 2011.  Maybe you're all enjoying the break from you know DEATH and MISCARRIAGE as much as I am and don't mind this new light and fluffy blogging I'm trying out.  So...back to complaining about the dresses.

Surely I'm not the only one with this problem?  You all sort of suggested maternity tops in my last post, does everyone just start wearing maternity jeans and maternity tops?  I'm not down with this plan as I'm just not much of a jeans girl.   I wear jeans once maybe twice a week and mostly when I'm home doing stuff around the house.  If I go out I throw on a dress.  I find jeans uncomfortable even not pregnant, so pregnant they're doubly so.  Aren't there some other dress wearing preggos out there who read my blog and have brilliant suggestions for me?

Dressing the Ladies

Let's talk about boobs again.

My boobs are wreaking havoc on my daily outfit choices.

Everything in my closet fits just fine over the bump.

I have dresses that emphasize the bump, dresses that hide the bump, dresses that I can wear over the bump for MONTHS still.

But the girls, the girls not so much.

It would seem that small chested girls dress differently than large chested girls.  Perhaps all you large chested girls were already aware of this, but it never occurred to me that I would grow out of clothes because of MY BOOBS.  I was preparing for a bump explosion out of the clothes, not a boob explosion.

Small chested girls can flaunt what they got without looking slutty, tight tops and low cut tops we can get away with easily because we don't have much chest to show off.  But large chested girls, large chested girls gotta keep those babies under wraps APPARENTLY, or buy clothes that are bigger than size S just to fit the knockers in comfortably and to keep from straining their clothes to within an inch of their life.

I'm discovering that I without fail dress for my FORMER small chested body and that all of my small chested girl dresses have a little bit of a theme going on.

They're tight on top.

And looser on the bottom.

This is of course on purpose, at least I know now I dress for my body type.  Tight on top (or low cut) because I'm small and I'm emphasizing the smallest part of me, then flowing on the bottom because I hate my thighs.

I'm a fan of empire waists and baby doll dresses.

Totally perfect style for a bump btw.

But my wardrobe has no room for giant ta-tas.  The tops are SO TIGHT.  So tight that the dresses start to dig into my armpits.  Or the girls are so squished in there that I have cleavage coming out of what used to be a very cleavage less dress.  In a nutshell, the yabbos are making me UNCOMFORTABLE on a daily basis.

I'm not sure what the solution is to this.

I don't think maternity clothes are the answer, my bump is tiny and have you seen how much fabric maternity dresses have???  I know they are also a bit roomier in the chest for just the situation I'm describing but I gotta have a bump to match the bosom for maternity dresses to really be the answer.

It seems a bunch of you other preggos already belonged to the big booby club, are you running into this problem as well or are your clothes so well designed for giant ta tas that they have room for extra growth?  And small chested preggos what about you?  Are your boobs making your clothes uncomfortable long before the bump?

Clearly a shopping trip is in order I'm just very undecided as to what style of dress I should now be looking for.  Or is a bigger size the answer?  Ugh, so many questions!!  What's a formerly small chested turned large chested girl to do?

I Caved

I've tried really REALLY hard to remain calm during this pregnancy and let nature do it's thing.

I declined early testing and early ultrasounds.

I declined my 12 week NT scan.

I've avoided calling my midwives panicking and have only had 1 extra appt to break up a 4WW to hear the heartbeat.

I've survived on hearing the heartbeat once every 2 weeks since I first heard it at 10 weeks.

Generally my symptoms have been enough to keep me sane and convinced that my baby is still alive.

But a few weeks ago in a moment of sheer panic I broke down and bought myself a fetal doppler.

source

Once it arrived I had talked myself down off whatever ledge had drove me to make such a rash purchase and the doppler stayed in it's box.

I've resisted every urge to use it MOSTLY because I was scared to death I wouldn't be able to find the heartbeat on my own and I was convinced this would cause more stress rather than relieve it.

But today I have a midwife appt and we'll hear the heartbeat, so yesterday, for no reason at all, other than I wanted to give it a shot, I opened up my fetal doppler.

And I found 85's heartbeat right away.

He ALWAYS seems to be hiding down in the bottom right hand side of my ute.

I must admit, it was pretty fucking cool.

So today I'm walking into my midwife's office a little bit more relaxed and a little bit less stressed and kind of loving my doppler.

But I've promised to leave the doppler in the box and use it no more than once a week.  The promise is to my husband who thinks (rightly so) that using the doppler all the time is bad for baby as baby HATES it and tries to hide from it.

Anyone else buy a doppler?  I feel like a neurotic crazy person with her own personal home doppler.  I'm so embarrassed about my purchase I didn't tell my husband about it for a week and I have NO plans to tell my midwives.  Such a far cry from the calm "let nature take it's course" pregnant lady that I'm striving to be!

In other news I NEED SOME HELP.

To all the other Blogger users who have added a PAIL button.

PLEASE SEND ME THE HTML THAT WORKED FOR YOU!

What Elphaba sent me doesn't work, my own tinkering with some google help doesn't work and I'm very near throwing my brand new MacBook Air against a wall because I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

Clearly I'm not a computer whiz.  And I'm stumped!

So please please please, if you got the PAIL button to work, HELP ME OUT!

Update:  PAIL button is FIXED!!!

PAIL: Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss

Every single infertility blogger wants to someday cross over to the other side and have their infertility blog turn into a pregnancy blog and later into a mommy blog.

But every single one of us that pees on that stick and gets a longed for positive instead of the oft repeated negative has no idea how to make the transition.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss leaves you feeling very much in limbo.

We walk a fine line between not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings by talking about pregnancy too much and struggling to find a place where we belong with other pregnant bloggers who didn't have to fight to achieve their pregnancy.

All of your fellow infertiles who are still waiting for their BFP's probably don't want to hear you bitch about how uncomfortable pregnancy can be and since you've been there you realize that for anyone still in the trenches that complaining about pregnancy can be like a knife through the heart.

But let's face, pregnancy isn't all rainbows and unicorns and even though most of us pray for the nausea and fatigue and constipation to stick around just so we know we're still pregnant, it still makes for some pretty uncomfortable situations and sometimes you just gotta whine about it.

But on the other hand, those of us who have struggled/experienced loss just to get to this point have a really hard time relating to pregnant women who did not struggle to get here.  We don't feel like we belong with the "fertiles" but we know we're losing out place with the "infertiles".

Infertility is still a part of you, the loss is still a part of you, but you're on the path to motherhood and at some point you have to cross over.

So, what's a pregnant infertile blogger to do?

Elphaba has come up with an answer for us, a blogroll of other Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility and Loss bloggers, so we can all connect with each other and be in limbo together.

If you want to sign up and join, do it here.

And if at any time you want to check out the blogroll and find other preggo (or parent) infertiles just click my button on the right!

Update:  Apparently my button over there on the right does not work right now...I'm working on it and much to my chagrin IT'S NOT COOPERATING.  Hopefully in the very near future clicking on the button will work!!!

100 Followers

I've hit 100 Followers.

This is cause for celebration.

If I wasn't pregnant I would pour myself a nice big mimosa with very little orange juice and drink it outside in the sunshine.

Instead I will just congratulate myself with a glass of orange juice...sans champagne.  BORING.

100 Followers I want to thank you all for following along through my journey.

The majority of you are here via the IF community and I thank you ladies for being here with me through my little journey to hell and back.

And while I pray every day for a healthy FULL TERM pregnancy I know that if things were to go belly up I have this wonderful group of women to fall back on for support and that makes the whole damn thing just a tiny bit less scary.

This blog is about a year and a half old now, if you didn't know because no one was following me then it started out as a chronicle of my time abroad as an expat in Sydney and it was called 

From Sydney With Love.

When we returned to the States it very slowly but very surely turned into random/life musings blog peppered with recipes, book reviews and decorating ideas as I really wasn't ready to come out of the infertility closet and share my anovulation woes with the world.  Then it was well on it's way to becoming a pregnancy blog when one miscarriage rocked me to my core and forced the infertility story out of me.

And I've never looked back.

Honestly I never thought I would have as many followers as I do, writing was/is therapeutic, especially during tumultuous times and I mostly write for myself but I do love having a group of people on the other side of this computer screen with shared/similar experiences to tell me things like: 

It's Ok to still cry every time I talk about my miscarriage.

Miscarriage is WAY more common than we're led to believe when we start our journey to motherhood.

Everyone thinks their baby is dead at some point in pregnancy.

That my cat probably DOES know I'm pregnant.

It's Ok to be totally freaked out about a pregnancy post miscarriage rather than elated and excited.

and

Constipation is a normal part of pregnancy.

I hope you all stick around for the ride as we CONTINUE on the pregnancy path and god-willing all the way to the all but unreachable land of motherhood.

Love you all and thanks for following!

Just How Deep the Denial Goes

I've had a few people ask me lately if I've started buying baby items yet.

I'd love to say yes.

To say that I'm confident in my pregnancy and I've started buying onesies and bibs and cute baby outfits.

But the answer is a resounding no.

Not a thing.

I haven't even looked.

I haven't walked through the baby section.

I haven't stepped foot in a baby store.

I haven't browsed baby clothes online.

While many things have changed for us as the pregnancy has progressed and my husband and I are now able to talk about the baby, there's still a bit of denial going on that we will actually have a baby come August.

We've managed to set the pregnancy week that we will sell our Olympics tickets, we've decided when my husband will discuss paternity leave with work and we've set midwife and ultrasound appointments through March.

But we haven't talked names, we haven't cleaned out the nursery, we haven't looked at furniture and we haven't bought any baby items.

I don't even mark my calendar with anything farther than the next week in the pregnancy.  As in I hit 15 weeks pregnant yesterday but I have not yet written 16 on next Wednesday.

Pregnancy is still a here and now concept and still too hard to put into future context.

But just how deep does the denial go?

Have you guys heard of Hautelook.com?  Designer clothes for cheap?

Well, just a week or so ago Citizens of Humanity was having a sale, so I bought some jeans.

Let's think about that for a moment.

I was 14 weeks pregnant and I just bought a pair of non-maternity jeans in my regular size.

It didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't fit.

It didn't occur to me that I would be growing OUT of things like jeans and it probably wasn't the time to buy regular jeans.

They arrived yesterday and guess what?  They don't fit.  Not even a little bit.  

My husband looked at me like I was crazy when he saw them sitting on the kitchen counter.  

"Are those maternity jeans?" he asks.  "No" I sheepishly reply.

"Do they fit?" he asks.  "Of course not." I say.

I can wrap my brain around being pregnant IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW.  But I have a little trouble when it comes to thinking about the pregnancy IN THE FUTURE.  Obviously it did not occur to me that my pregnancy would be progressing and that regular jeans would not fit.

I thought I was doing so well, but perhaps I still have a few hangups to work out.

It's a little sad.

I find myself commenting on other newly pregnant after a loss blogs, saying "it gets easier with time." blah blah blah.  Like I'm so wise just 7 or 8 weeks farther along than they are.  And while it DOES get easier emotionally, as in I am not constantly worrying about losing this baby anymore, that miscarriage obviously still has a hold on me and I can't fully come to grips with the possibility of this pregnancy going full term, let alone an actual baby resulting from said pregnancy.

What can I say?  Your brain does some funny things in an effort to protect itself from damage.

To everyone else pregnant after a loss, it IS easier as time goes on, I promise, constant thoughts of miscarriage have all but vanished, I have a moment once a week or so when I'm convinced the baby is dead but I think that might actually just be a normal pregnant woman thing and not specific to my pregnant after a loss situation.  I am WELL past where I lost my last one and thus have nothing to compare the rest of this pregnancy to and have no reason to assume things will go awry.  

But I DO have trouble with the concept of pregnancy and a resulting baby mentally.  And I don't know when or if this will go away.  When I see a picture of how big a 15 week old fetus is inside a body I am perplexed, IS THAT REALLY HOW BIG THAT THING IS ALREADY?  Maybe all women feel this way?  I don't know.  But there it is.

I'm still scared I won't have a baby come August and apparently I'm still deeply in denial about needing maternity clothes and baby stuff.

I know I have a long way to go yet before things like naming the baby and buying it clothes become a dire need but in the meantime I should probably concentrate on buying APPROPRIATE clothing for myself and maybe quit buying non-maternity clothing?

One thing at a time.

Bumpdate - 15 Weeks

Wednesday already?

And it's March next week already?

And we're at 15 weeks already?

Time is FLYING.

How far along: 15 weeks

Weight Gain: I weighed myself this morning and it looks like I'm down a lb, so we're at +4 lbs.

Maternity Clothes:  I still haven't bought maternity clothes BUT I have officially grown out of 2 items of clothing.  A pair of jeans which is to be expected since they were tight when I started this pregnancy and...wait for it...a COAT.  Yes, the girls are SO BIG that my COAT, the outermost layer, the largest piece of clothing when it comes to clothing, will not button over them.  I admit that it is a fitted coat, but I've worn it through several WINTERS, i.e. over layers of clothing without it even feeling snug, now IT WON'T BUTTON.  As I said I've lived most of my life fairly flat chested and having clothes be too LOOSE in the top is a problem I'm more familiar with.  Too snug in the top?  We're in totally foreign territory here.

Luckily we're well on our way to Spring and I won't be needing warm coats anymore, but talk about UNEXPECTED.  Who grows out of their coat?

I also may or may not have just gone shopping and bought several dresses that are only gonna fit for another month, 2 months max.

What's Up With My Body: Again amazed at the difference from one week to the next.  Headaches are gone, heartburn is gone, CONSTIPATION IS STILL HERE.  I'm trying some of your suggestions, starting with the natural/food ones.  We're starting with eating oranges daily to help combat this as well as adding Chia seeds into my smoothies, LET'S SEE IF ANY OF THIS HELPS.

What I miss: Not having to pee every 10 minutes.  If I sit down for ANY length of time I have to pee when I stand up.  Five minutes, half an hour, DOESN'T MATTER, must pee upon standing.  I also miss sleeping through the night without peeing.  I can't get away with peeing less than twice a night, no matter how much I try to limit my fluid intake in the evenings.

What I'm looking forward to: Baby Kicks!  Everything I read says sometime between 16 and 20 weeks is when you start to feel little baby kicks.  We're at 15 weeks and I'm thin (supposed to feel them earlier if you have a small frame), I'm hoping sometime in the next few weeks I get to feel baby kicks!

Gender:  This week I'm feeling girl and I'll tell you why... you remember my disappearing bump from a few nights ago?  That bump is HIGH, like right under my boobs.  High bump = girl.

Bumpdate: I think the bump has come out to play and she's sticking around.  It never completely goes away anymore and I can't suck it in and make it disappear anymore.  I don't feel like I've "popped" yet and I haven't had a stranger ask me if I'm pregnant yet, but I've got enough of a bump that I don't feel like I look bloated anymore.

To all you other preggos who are right near me in your pregnancies, WHERE'S THE BUMP PICS?  A lot of you do these weekly updates SANS PICCIES!  What's up with that?  I want to see your bump SO I CAN COMPARE!  I desperately need to know if I'm bigger or smaller than all of you ;-)

Everyone start bumpdating please!

Goodbye Vitex

Many of you have probably heard of Vitex.

In the world of infertility it is not an unknown herb.

For those of you unawares, it is an herb that helps regulate hormonal functions, specifically progesterone and estrogen.

I've been taking Vitex on and off for years now.  When we began this journey and I discovered I wasn't ovulating it was one of the first homeopathic remedies I tried in an effort to try to regulate my hormones naturally.  Unfortunately it takes months to build up in your system and work properly and when you get into this TTC business an unknown number of months is usually longer than you're willing to dedicate to any one treatment just to SEE if it will work.

Ultimately the Vitex did not work for me, at least not in any measurable capacity, i.e. it did not help me ovulate.   So, when we made the leap to Clomid, the Vitex got left by the wayside as you're not allowed to take the two together.

Throughout the first pregnancy Vitex never entered my mind.  I was pregnant what did I need any of my TTC herbs for?  Western medicine had won the day!

But almost immediately after the miscarriage I did a complete 180 and started popping Vitex again in hopes of regulating my hormones and get my period sooner rather than later.  I got back on the homeopathic bandwagon, herbs and acupuncture all the way.

And wouldn't you know it?  Just 8 weeks later I actually ovulated.

I can't say with any certainty that the Vitex helped me ovulate because more than likely it was just the pregnancy/miscarriage...or the acupuncture...or who the hell knows?!

BUT because I was on Vitex for the last few months leading up to the 2nd pregnancy everyone, midwives, naturopaths, acupuncturists, etc. told me to keep taking it through the first trimester EVEN THOUGH it is normally not recommended during pregnancy.  

In fact it says right on it DO NOT TAKE WHILE PREGNANT.

So, I took everyone's advice after doing a little bit of my own research and continued taking the Vitex through the first trimester.

And 2 days ago I finished my bottle, the first trimester is over and I'M OFF THE VITEX.

It's kind of exhilarating and liberating, one less pill to take everyday, one more milestone, all sorts of awesome.

Anyone else try Vitex?  Anyone else have promising results from it?

Life With the D Cups

It happened again.

The girls made a break for it.

At 2 days shy of 15 weeks the girls are no longer happy in their pretty little C cup bras and have decided they want to be D's!

Are you kidding me?

You guys remember how surprised I was with my rapid boob growth in the first pregnancy?

Well this time the boob growth was so slow that I think I had decided they were going to stop at the C's.

Ridiculous and illogical?  Perhaps.

But I wasn't expecting to be buying new bras at 15 weeks and I wasn't expecting them to be D's!

In all honesty I was completely OK with the C's, in my opinion a C is the most desirable cup size, not too small, but not too BIG.

Pretty.

C's are pretty.

But D's?  Not even halfway through the pregnancy?

D's are BIG!

Guys, if you didn't know, I am not a busty lady.  I've never been a busty lady.  I spent all of my teenage years loathing my small chest, wearing padded bras and wishing I had cleavage.  By college and my 20's the girls were finally a full B and I was finally comfortable with them.  I had accepted that I was never going to have a large chest and I discovered that it didn't really matter.  Never again did I wish my chest size was anything different than what it was.

But the C's were still pretty.

And I'm already missing them.

Everyone who's farther in your pregnancy, HOW MUCH BIGGER ARE YOUR BOOBS FROM THE STARTING POINT?

A full 2 cup sizes bigger not even halfway through the pregnancy and I'm scared!

And in other news, I have to show you these dramatic pictures of the difference in the bump from day to night.

We went out to eat last night and when we came home and I got ready for bed my belly was HUGE, I was like what the hell is this thing?! And had to take a picture.

Then I took another picture this morning with the bump back down to it's normal size.

Prepare to be amazed!

10pm, ready for bed...gotta love the maternity leggings!

8am, just got up...where'd the bump go?

My other preggy ladies, do you have this dramatic bump difference between night and day???

Let's Chat

Guys, I have a problem.

I love getting comments from you.  It makes blogging more fun.

I also love RESPONDING to comments, especially when someone says something very helpful or poignant or has a question (such as where did you buy your maternity leggings?).  

But here's the thing...a huge majority of you show up in my inbox like this                                        "noreply-comment@blogger.com" and I can't respond to you personally.

This makes me sad.  Especially when someone has a question that I'd love to answer but don't necessarily want to design a blog post around TO answer.

So, let's chat!  Everyone change your settings like this (stolen verbatim from Happy Hopefuls):

• When on blogger, in the upper right hand corner, there is your picture and your name of your google account.
• Click on this drop down menu.
• Choose "Blogger Profile".
• Once in your "Blogger Profile", choose the "Edit Profile" button, which will bring up another screen for editing.
• The second option down, is "Show email address" and you'll need to check this box.
• Down further, there is a box that says "Email Address" and next to it says, "Changing this does not change the e-mail address you use to sign-in."  Here you may pick a different email address to have your comment responses sent to, if you don't want it to be your personal email and maybe your blog specific email address.
• Once you have this all set, save your settings.

From here on, when you leave a comment, you'll also be able to receive a response... especially when you leave a question in the comments.

Got that?

Everyone doing it?

Great!

Can't wait to see more personal emails from y'all and looking forward to chatting with some of you more personally!

Bumpdate - 14 Weeks

I just want to start off by saying, I AM SO SICK.  I was up at 2am coughing up at least one of my lungs, finally at 4am I got up to take a shower to try to loosen some of the phlegm that was taking up residence in my chest (are you picturing that mucinex commercial?) and went downstairs to drink some hot tea and sit upright to see if I could make the coughing stop.  Somewhere around 5:30am I finally began to doze on the couch just to get up at 6am with my husband and see him off.


I feel awesome.


Now back to my regularly scheduled blog post.

It's Wednesday!  And I'm bumpdating on time!

Once again the hubs is out of town but fear not fellow bloggers we preempted his absence and took piccies yesterday.

So, amazingly I actually have a few things that have changed in the few days in between my latest bumpdates.  I say amazingly because I find it amazing that symptoms can appear out of nowhere suddenly when I just did my last bumpdate 4 days ago.

How far along: 14 weeks - WE HAVE OFFICIALLY ENTERED THE 2ND TRIMESTER REGARDLESS OF WHAT BOOK YOU'RE READING =)

Weight gain: Still 5 lbs

What's up with my body: Headaches every afternoon, 1pm rolls around and my head is pounding.  Thankfully Tylenol is on the safe list otherwise I would die.  Constipation, indigestion and heartburn.  I'm not one to talk about pooping EVER but just for a moment, I'm going to talk about it.  Holy hell, pooping has become a chore that I have to SURVIVE every day every 2 days.  I never knew how lucky I was to not have a sensitive stomach or GI tract issues...dear god please let this go back to normal after pregnancy.  I'm also completely inexperienced when it comes to heartburn and find myself confused as to whether what I'm feeling is heartburn or some sort of asthma related lung issue.  I keep asking my husband questions like, "is heartburn here in the center of your chest and feels sort of like pressure?" "Does your heartburn come in waves or is it consistent?" "Does heartburn make you burp?"  I'm a constipation heartburn virgin, what can I say?  And the tiredness, IT FINALLY WENT AWAY!  Even sick I am nowhere near as tired as I have been and I am SO EXCITED for that part to be over!

Gender: I say boy, my sister says girl and we are NOT finding out.  But how exciting is it that I COULD find out in just 4 weeks!

Milestones: OMG we hit the 2nd trimester!!!  With a heartbeat and everything!

Bumpdate: The bump is bigger at night and nearly nonexistent in the morning.  These pics are midday and are about halfway between the bump I have in the morning and the bump I have at night.

I've changed up the location, inside lighting was bugging the shit out of me but I'm not sure if this is THE spot yet either.

We also tried this outdoor rosebush setting, because those roses should start blooming soon and me and the roses will be "blooming" together, CHEESY!  Whatevs, I still hate all of these and fear my dream of a perfect growing bump collage might not turn out the way I want it to.

DREAMS BEING DASHED!

And is pregnancy catching?  It sure seems to be.  Not only are there like 10 of you (maybe more) in my infertility blogroll who have received their BFPs in the last 2 months but I also now have 3 IRL friends all due within 2 months of me, many of whom have been trying for months, some even up to a year.

Pregnancy is in the air.

If you haven't received your BFP yet, FEAR NOT because it's undoubtedly heading your way!  These 2012 babies are dragon babies, those lucky lucky dragons!

Totally Random Tuesday

I've only got bullet points today:

• It's Valentine's Day and we are both SICK.  Dom came home from a European ski trip with a nasty cold and a fever of 102.  I have asthma and pretty much the second the hubs and I were reunited his European sickness began to settle in my poor little asthmatic lungs.  We are both miserable.  I have managed to avoid the fever, thank god, since that can be deadly to the baby, but this hacking cough has got to go!  Luckily we're not big Valentine's Day fans anyway, so laying together in sickness on the couches is how we're spending this loving holiday together.

• Maternity leggings are totally rocking my world.  While in my sickened immobile state I've pretty much been living in them.  I won't ever leave the house in them because I stand firmly in the camp of LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS, but around the house these babies get a big thumbs up.

• GIRL SCOUT COOKIES ARE FINALLY ON SALE IN CALIFORNIA!  I know they were selling them elsewhere in the country over the last few weeks and I have been JEALOUS!  But alas, they are here now just in time for Valentine's Day.  Before today is over we WILL have some GSC.

• It's hard to shop for clothes when you have to try everything on and then think to yourself "is there room for a giant belly in this?"  I don't want to buy a bunch of maternity clothes and am on the prowl for dresses and skirts that I can continue to wear throughout pregnancy as well as after.  I've managed to pick up a dress or two that will fit me for at least part of this pregnancy but I'm thinking I should hold off a bit until I have at least a little bit more of a bump so I can get a true sense of what the bump will actually look like.

• The crazy lady inside of me who can't go more than 2 weeks without some sort of reassurance that the baby still has a heart beat went to the midwife today JUST to get Dopplered.  I couldn't go into my 2nd trimester without firm evidence that we were ACTUALLY there.  Amazingly even after a good 3 minutes without hearing the heart beat part of me just KNEW it was still there and sure enough FINALLY we found it, way off in the bottom right hand corner of the ute.

• My sister thinks she can tell WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT the sex of a baby in utero via the heart rate.  Because of this I have made every effort to never ask what the heart rate is because we aren't going to find out the sex.  Unfortunately today my midwife just blurted it out.  The heart rate was 130, sister says this means girl!  I'm having a bit of inner turmoil now as I was still pretty firmly boy...other than that girl dream.  Maybe I should list out the old wives tales and get a boy/girl tally?

Now, please excuse me I have to go hack up a lung!

Bumpdate - 13 Weeks

Wow, 2 weeks into this and not once have I posted on Wednesday which is when my week flips forward.


But it's all ok because I have like 27 weeks to make it up to you all.


At least once I will post the bumpdate on a Wednesday.


So, I hate these things, but I decided to do one anyone, adjusted so that I'm not answering stupid questions like movement? at 13 weeks.


Here goes.

How far along?  13 weeks 3 days

Weight gain/loss: I'm up 5 lbs, but I've been up 5 lbs. since like 8 weeks.  I still fit into all of my clothes though so I'm not sure WHERE the mysterious extra 5 lbs are exactly...maybe it's all the extra blood flow.

Maternity clothes?  No, but I did buy my first maternity item, you ready?  Maternity LEGGINGS, that's right.  I wear leggings to bed a lot and the waist band has started to hurt when I lay on it all night, so I got myself some maternity leggings.  Unfortunately they haven't shown up yet since I ordered them online and thus I have NO IDEA if they are going to rock my world or if they're getting sent back.  In case you're all curious I was actually on a mission to buy maternity TIGHTS but got bored looking after my first site I looked on didn't have any, so i bought maternity leggings instead.  Anyone know where I can buy some good quality maternity tights?  Does such a thing even exist?  My tights are killing me when I pull them all the way up and dig in when I fold them over, I need something with a lovely stretchy maternity panel!

Stretch marks? No, I have high hopes that I won't get stretch marks since my mother and sister survived without them and I've always heard that stretch marks are genetic.

What's up with my body?  The digestive troubles seem to have kicked in.  My tummy is gurgly and unsettled ALL DAY LONG.  I go from starving hungry gurgles to ugh, I'm busy digesting gurgles and then without skipping a beat it's back to i'm starving gurgles, back and forth, back and forth.  It doesn't matter what I eat, my tummy seems upset with me regardless.  I'm not nauseous and nothing ever threatens to come back up but my digestive system just seems very...sluggish.  And I'm tired, oh god, make the tiredness go away please, i'm really really tired of being tired.

Bumpdate:  There's still no bump kids, but I'll keep posting pics anyway, maybe by the time the bump appears we will have mastered whatever technique is required so that I don't look like shit in these.  These pictures are even worse than last week because my husband is sick and could barely stumble off the couch to snap the camera at me three times.  And this is what we got:

Do you like the shadow running along the right side?  Yeah, me too.  What am I looking at?  I have no idea.  Fan-fucking-tastic.

If anyone's interested why I am so obsessed with making these pictures look good besides being vain, it's because there will be a growing bump collage at the end of all this that we'd like to frame somewhere in our house, that is also why I have the same outfit on in each of them and will continue to do so for the rest of the pregnancy.

So, there you have it, 13 weeks just a few days late.

For Posterity Sake

I have to write down the dream I had last night.

I promise my 13 week Bumpdate is coming tomorrow, the hubs is out of town and I CANNOT take a picture of myself to save my life.

So, the dream.  I hadn't had a pregnancy dream in awhile, so before I went to bed I thought to myself, I hope I have another pregnancy dream otherwise I'm calling my midwives so we can try to find the heartbeat on the Doppler again.  The lack of pregnant dreams after the baby died in my first pregnancy still haunts me and I still see it as a sign of miscarriage.

But sure enough, I had a pregnancy dream.

But not just a pregnancy dream, a BIRTH dream.

Here's what went down.

I went into labor at like 7:30pm in the middle of a snow/ice storm.  Clearly we weren't in San Francisco and clearly this wasn't August but nevertheless, giving birth in a snow storm in a tiny apt.

Must have been NYC.

So, it's 7:30 then suddenly it's 12:30am, the midwives haven't shown up because of the storm and I'm already crowning and the baby is about to arrive (with no pain mind you).

Then I feel the burning of crowning, the "ring of fire" and out pops a chubby little dark haired baby into Dom's arms.

AND IT WAS A GIRL.

I've been convinced this whole pregnancy that I'm having a boy, so I kept saying, no we were having a boy! over and over, but then my mom appeared and put her in a girl outfit and so OBVIOUSLY it wasn't a boy.

Since my midwives hadn't shown up and the last bit where I pushed her out had been painful I kept asking Dom to check me and see if I had torn and needed stitches, he refused!  Said he wasn't comfortable looking at me down there in that sort of way, even though he'd just watched me push a baby out. And I was like, OH OK I totally understand but kept worrying about needing stitches.

It was a pleasant dream, the birth was peaceful, but WEIRD.

And btw, our baby girl had dark eyes to go with her dark hair.  I'm pretty sure this is actually NOT possible.  I have green eyes, Dom has blue/gray eyes and there is nary a brown eyed blood relative on either side of our families for at least a generation or two, possibly much farther back.

We're at 13 weeks, anyone else having birth dreams already???

Genetic Screening

Most people around this time in their pregnancies undergo blood draws and scans for the first of several genetic screening tests.

This includes that 12 week NT scan that everyone always posts about.

I'm not doing one guys.

I am opting out of ALL genetic screening.

My reasoning is simple.

1) Neither the hubs nor I have any genetic anomalies in our families that would cause us any concern and give us reason to suspect a possible chromosomal issue.

2) While the tests are fairly accurate in their negative screening, they go awry when you get a positive on a test.  There is an absurdly high rate of false positives WITHIN the positives.  90% of the positive tests turn out to be negative, so if you're one of the unlucky few who tested positive there is a VERY high probability that your baby is fine, but how much stress would that cause???  I believe the point of doing tests is so that you have information that you can DO something with, I don't believe we would terminate a pregnancy and thus having this information is useless and unnecessary to us but would cause huge amounts of stress.  

I actually have a friend who JUST had this happen, she had her 12 week scan and bloodwork and added with her age suddenly put her at a 1 in 50 chance of a Down's baby instead of the 1 in 250 she was at before her tests.  THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO WITH THIS INFORMATION.  She has to wait until the next scan at 20 weeks before they can tell her anything more.  There is a HUGE huge probability, like 95% chance that when she gets to her 20 week scan whatever they saw on that 12 week scan that caused them concern will be gone, but now she has 2 months of stressing about it in front of her.  I don't want to have to do this, this pregnancy stresses me out enough as is.

I also don't want to be put in a position in which I have to make decisions such as do we want to do an amnio to further confirm and I NEVER want to be put in a position in which I have to decide if I want to terminate a pregnancy.  I will let nature take it's course and if I am one of the unlucky few with a chromosomally abnormal baby than I will deal with that when the time comes.

This is not to say that I don't believe in genetic screening, there are many instances in which I would find it to be an absolute necessity.  If we had family members with Down's or cleft palates or even if we both were of Jewish heritage I would make them test us for Tay-Sachs, things like that.  But as it stands, I see no reason to undergo extra testing.

Generally I'm happy with this decision because it means fewer blood tests and fewer things to worry about, the ONLY part about it that makes me unhappy with my decision is that there is no NT scan!

That means no 12 week scan, I have to wait all the way to 18 weeks for the anatomy scan!

I feel like I'm in the minority here and I want to know what made you ladies decide to do genetic screening, family history? because it was offered?  genuine concerns?  peace of mind? 

Or are there a bunch of you who also declined that I just don't know about and if you did decline, why?

Things I Can't Help But Eat/Do Anyway

When you're pregnant there is a list a mile long of foods your not supposed to eat, things you're not supposed to do and substances you're not supposed to take.

For the most part I'm being a good girl and adhering to the pregnant girl rules, after all it took forever for us to be in this position the least I can do is not indulge in harmful foods/behaviors.

That being said there are certain things that I just cannot be bothered with and honestly there is no good data supporting the avoidance of these.

So, I still indulge in:

Coffee - I still have a cup of coffee every single morning - the data that says you should avoid caffeine is done with woman that have somewhere in the 5 cups of coffee a day range, yes that much caffeine is likely to stress your tiny baby. But there is NOTHING out there that can support a cup of coffee a day as being a danger to your baby. Some midwives and Dr.'s even suggest a caffeinated beverage to help with headaches that can sometimes plague pregnant women because most painkillers are off-limits.

Wine - Ok, I'm avoiding wine this first 13 weeks but in all honesty it's because the smell of wine makes me want to gag, not because I believe a small glass of wine once in awhile will hurt my baby.  Tomorrow night I'm going out with friends and you can bet your ass I'm ordering a glass of wine, no I probably won't drink the whole thing since the smell is gagging me, but I will definitely TRY to drink it. Again NO data to support a glass of wine once a week or so is harmful to your baby specifically after the first trimester when baby is done developing and starts the growing phase.

Deli meat - I try, but every once in awhile a turkey sandwich just hits the spot.

Soft cheese - This rule is for UNpasteurized soft cheeses but for some reason a lot of women just quit all soft cheeses altogether. Here in the good old US you can't sell cheese in supermarkets that are unpasteurized, so it's not much of an issue if you're buying cheese for consumption at home BUT check the label and if you're in a restaurant, ask someone if the buffalo mozzarella is pasteurized, the answer is almost always YES, so soft cheeses have stayed on the menu for me.

Fish - Ugh, so many rules! I am not a huge fish eater anyway, but I do love me some tuna fish, so I keep my tuna sandwiches down to once a week and only eat fish at restaurants if I'm really craving some fish.  Recently my midwife recommend I put MORE fish on the menu because fish has some great benefits for pregnant women.  And here I was thinking I was being a good girl.

Sex - Really? People really abstain for 9 months? Seems silly and yet everytime I have a Dr. or midwife appt they make it a point to mention that sex is ok...as though people think generally it is NOT ok and they have to reassure them.  I have to admit though the weird "mini-contractions" that happen afterward are unpleasant and a bit of a deterrent for me.

Nail polish - Again, really? Sorry, my nails will continue to be painted. And I can't be bothered to buy special organic nail polish when I have so much already.

Dye my hair - I'm still getting highlights, though I'm careful to mention that I'm pregnant so they keep away from my scalp.

Kitty litter - My husband is gone for several days at a a time there is no way I can NOT clean the kitty litter.  I make sure not to touch anything and wash my hands immediately after and this is husband's chore when he's home, but when he's gone I take over and really don't worry about it.

Baths - I take a bath Every. Single. Day. and I never check the temperature.  As long as I'm not sweating I don't worry about hard boiling my baby.

In general I really believe babies are heartier than we (specifically the infertiles who have waited and struggled longer than most to get to this point) believe them to be.  All the drinking and smoking during pregnancy in the 50's did little to deter birth rates, if babies couldn't survive all these small things I just mentioned our population would be in TROUBLE.

What else am I missing?  And since there are SO many of you lately who just got your BFP's there is an assload of you who can join in this convo!  What have/do you guys indulge in (or plan to indulge in if your BFP is new or if you haven't go yours yet) that "they" recommend you stay away from?

I Think My Cat Knows I'm Pregnant

I'd heard before that animals can tell when you're pregnant.

I remember a story about a lady who had a cat who would lick her hands only when she was pregnant.

I'm not sure that I believed it.

I'm still unsure.

But my cat has been acting strangely.

Both my cats are kind of needy, one more so than the other.  They are not the kind of cats that disappear into other rooms to sleep by themselves.  They actually seek us out when they come in to make sure they are sleeping in the closest room to us.

One has anxiety issues when we leave the house for a few days in which he starts peeing all around his litter box without actually peeing IN it. But generally he is the less needy of the two, he'll be the one that goes out in the morning, pops in once or twice during the day and then we don't see him again until we call him in for bed.

The other one is the needy one.  He loves me and doesn't really like to be TOO far away from me.  But the last few weeks he's really kicked his neediness up a notch.

An example, this morning he went out for an hour but then came in and followed me around the house, laying down to sleep in each new room I went into, getting up and following me into the next room and on and on.  Finally because I felt sorry for him, I picked him up and we had a little snuggle on the bed for half an hour.  Yes, I really dropped what I was doing to give my cat some snuggles for a full half an hour.

When we first got them as kittens we would bring them up to bed with us, me carrying my little needy one and Dom bringing the other one up whenever he came to bed.  Eventually they started to come to bed with us when we'd call them and we stopped carrying them up.  Generally they sleep at the foot of the bed, but sometimes, sometimes my cat really likes to snuggle with me up by my face, he lays in the nook, just under my chin and my armpit.  

His face under my chin, the rest of his body under my armpit.

Herein lies the problem:

This just happens to be the exact spot a nursing baby would be sleeping.

So, in preparation we've been trying to wean the cats.  We don't bring them up to bed with us, we don't call them up to bed, we just go to bed.  If they follow us they are of course still allowed in the bed, but we don't encourage it the way we used to.

This seemed to be going well, half the time they'd both pass out downstairs while we were watching TV and then just stay there all night, or come up at some point and sleep at the foot of the bed.

But lately Killer baby (his name is Killer, my husband named him, if you really want the story I'll tell you sometime) has decided that he not only needs to be sleeping with me, but he needs to be sleeping in my nook. 

And he needs to stay there ALL night long.

What do you guys think?  Is my cat getting nervous about the pregnancy?

And then this leads me to this question, does he know that this is a viable pregnancy now and that the other one wasn't?  I think I might have to start gathering research for my new theory titled:

How to Tell If Your Pregnancy is Viable Through Your Cat's Behavior.

This theory will be published along with How To Tell If Your Baby is Still Alive By Obsessing Over Your Thermometer which I am still gathering research on.

Who's got an animal story for me?

And since I'm talking about cats, everyone please click on this link, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.  CAT FANS ONLY.

25 Most Awkward Cat Sleeping Positions

Where's the Bump? - 12 Weeks

I wrote this yesterday and then forgot to post it!

Pretend it's yesterday.

Today is my last milestone I had to get through from my first pregnancy.

Today, 12 weeks 1 day, is the day the light spotting I had been experiencing turned to clotting and we headed to the ER with dread in our hearts.  Four hours later we learned the baby had no heartbeat and I was indeed well on my way to miscarrying our first baby.

From here on out we're experiencing things for the first time.  No more comparisons to my first pregnancy.  No more life on repeat.

So, from now until August I am going to try to do weekly bump updates on Wednesdays.

I realize that today is Friday, but we were in Tahoe on Wednesday enjoying the snow.

Pretend it's Wednesday still.

There's lots of pretending going on for you guys in this post.

Here we are, 12 weeks.

Before becoming pregnant I always thought the first trimester ended at 12 weeks, cause everyone always says wait 3 months to announce the pregnancy, the end of the first trimester.   And if you do the math 3 months is 12 weeks.  It turns out this isn't quite true and the first trimester actually ends somewhere at the end of either week 13 or 14, there is a bit of discrepancy and I don't actually know when the end of Trimester One is!

But it's not today...damn.

I'm not going to do one of those questionnaires that a lot of people do where it asks you the size of baby, if you're in maternity clothes, if you feel movement, etc etc.

I'm just gonna do this:

At 12 weeks I'm back to feeling fine...just tired...still.  The nausea that hit me last week seems to have disappeared as quickly as it appeared and while I was enjoying the reassurance the nausea provided the closer we get to the end of the first trimester I worry less and less about symptoms because I know they are going to start to go away soon anyway.

Every day is different than the day before.

Some days I wake up with sore hips and feel like my pelvis is breaking apart, some days they don't hurt at all.

Some nights I get up to pee 5 times, some nights it's 2.

Some days I have sore boobs, sometimes they're fine.

It's all very unpredictable.

I have no food aversions and no cravings.

If I do have cravings it's pretty much exactly as it was before I was pregnant, ie.  Yum, mexican food sounds good tonight!  No desperation for the food, just a preference from one night to the next, but like I said I was kind of like this pre-pregnancy anyway.  My husband calls it picky, I say I just know what I want when I want it!

I am nowhere near buying maternity clothes or anything baby related.  Our house is still baby-item-free except for a few gifts we received when we were pregnant the first time.  And those are all still tucked into whatever drawer I shoved them into after the first pregnancy ended.

My hair absolutely hates being pregnant.  I had heard somewhere that there is an evil period during pregnancy in which it is advised to not color your hair or do anything drastic because the hormones will make it icky.  Well, I think I may have chosen the evil icky period to get my highlights done because ever since I did it 3 weeks ago my hair has felt very drab and...icky.  There's no glow, no beautiful luscious locks cascading down my back.  It's just blah.  I'm hoping that in 2 months when I get it done again I will hit the magic glow period and it won't look like shit anymore.  Until then I'm just putting it up a lot.

Bending over has become slightly uncomfortable.  My husband keeps asking me if I need help when I bend down to pick something up, apparently I look like I'm in pain.  For the record it's not painful...just uncomfortable and I don't even notice that I'm doing it differently.

But everything is definitely getting cramped in my pelvic cavity, my uterus needs to hurry up with the next step which is to come up and OUT of my pelvis so that everything else can have a little breathing room again.  The sensation of "i have to pee" has completely changed, it is now a pressure/pain uncomfortableness and sometimes it takes me a moment to realize that is the new "i have to pee" signal going to my brain and if I just pee then I won't be uncomfortable anymore!  I'm hoping when the uterus lifts a bit this will go back to normal, or maybe this is the new normal?  Either way, it's strange to have to train my brain to learn a new "i have to pee" signal.

And the bump...or non-bump.  I don't have a bump yet.  Certain clothes make it seem as though I have more of a bump than I do, but for the most part the belly might look a little fuller but it definitely doesn't look like a baby bump.  I wear the bella-band sometimes under certain clothes just to give the whole stomach area a smoother appearance, but everything still buttons and fits.  If I have a tight shirt on I push my stomach out in an attempt to make it look more bump-like, but honestly I probably just look fatter that way =)

As everyone keeps telling me, retroverted uterus plus long torso = don't expect to see a bump anytime before 20 weeks!

Sigh.

Anyway, without further ado, here's some piccies:

Anyone else really feel like they look like shit when they try to do staged photos like this?  I'm not normally self-conscious about the way I look in photos but ALL of these I hated.