Just How Deep the Denial Goes

I've had a few people ask me lately if I've started buying baby items yet.

I'd love to say yes.

To say that I'm confident in my pregnancy and I've started buying onesies and bibs and cute baby outfits.

But the answer is a resounding no.

Not a thing.

I haven't even looked.

I haven't walked through the baby section.

I haven't stepped foot in a baby store.

I haven't browsed baby clothes online.

While many things have changed for us as the pregnancy has progressed and my husband and I are now able to talk about the baby, there's still a bit of denial going on that we will actually have a baby come August.

We've managed to set the pregnancy week that we will sell our Olympics tickets, we've decided when my husband will discuss paternity leave with work and we've set midwife and ultrasound appointments through March.

But we haven't talked names, we haven't cleaned out the nursery, we haven't looked at furniture and we haven't bought any baby items.

I don't even mark my calendar with anything farther than the next week in the pregnancy.  As in I hit 15 weeks pregnant yesterday but I have not yet written 16 on next Wednesday.

Pregnancy is still a here and now concept and still too hard to put into future context.

But just how deep does the denial go?

Have you guys heard of Hautelook.com?  Designer clothes for cheap?

Well, just a week or so ago Citizens of Humanity was having a sale, so I bought some jeans.

Let's think about that for a moment.

I was 14 weeks pregnant and I just bought a pair of non-maternity jeans in my regular size.

It didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't fit.

It didn't occur to me that I would be growing OUT of things like jeans and it probably wasn't the time to buy regular jeans.

They arrived yesterday and guess what?  They don't fit.  Not even a little bit.  

My husband looked at me like I was crazy when he saw them sitting on the kitchen counter.  

"Are those maternity jeans?" he asks.  "No" I sheepishly reply.

"Do they fit?" he asks.  "Of course not." I say.

I can wrap my brain around being pregnant IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW.  But I have a little trouble when it comes to thinking about the pregnancy IN THE FUTURE.  Obviously it did not occur to me that my pregnancy would be progressing and that regular jeans would not fit.

I thought I was doing so well, but perhaps I still have a few hangups to work out.

It's a little sad.

I find myself commenting on other newly pregnant after a loss blogs, saying "it gets easier with time." blah blah blah.  Like I'm so wise just 7 or 8 weeks farther along than they are.  And while it DOES get easier emotionally, as in I am not constantly worrying about losing this baby anymore, that miscarriage obviously still has a hold on me and I can't fully come to grips with the possibility of this pregnancy going full term, let alone an actual baby resulting from said pregnancy.

What can I say?  Your brain does some funny things in an effort to protect itself from damage.

To everyone else pregnant after a loss, it IS easier as time goes on, I promise, constant thoughts of miscarriage have all but vanished, I have a moment once a week or so when I'm convinced the baby is dead but I think that might actually just be a normal pregnant woman thing and not specific to my pregnant after a loss situation.  I am WELL past where I lost my last one and thus have nothing to compare the rest of this pregnancy to and have no reason to assume things will go awry.  

But I DO have trouble with the concept of pregnancy and a resulting baby mentally.  And I don't know when or if this will go away.  When I see a picture of how big a 15 week old fetus is inside a body I am perplexed, IS THAT REALLY HOW BIG THAT THING IS ALREADY?  Maybe all women feel this way?  I don't know.  But there it is.

I'm still scared I won't have a baby come August and apparently I'm still deeply in denial about needing maternity clothes and baby stuff.

I know I have a long way to go yet before things like naming the baby and buying it clothes become a dire need but in the meantime I should probably concentrate on buying APPROPRIATE clothing for myself and maybe quit buying non-maternity clothing?

One thing at a time.