If you'll notice I went ahead and just titled it Breastfeeding instead of Weaning because let's be honest here, I've been "weaning" for over a year now and really I'm just continuing to breastfeed.
The emotions surrounding breastfeeding lately have been tumultuous.
Jett and I are still happy in our nursing relationship at twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, and I wish I could just leave it at that.
I have no strong desire to quit and Jett definitely doesn't seem interested in quitting.
But this Baby #2 or lack thereof to more accurate is really starting to come into play more and more and I'm feeling the pressure to wean sooner rather than later.
After a visit to the RE it was mentioned that breastfeeding could have been a possible reason for my chemical pregnancy in April and while I don't personally believe it was a factor my husband feels differently and has encouraged me to quit.
It breaks my heart that he thinks it was something I did that caused a miscarriage. His longing for more kids is evident, especially now as Jett gets older and more fun, and I feel like shit that I can't just snap my fingers and get pregnant the way it seems so many others can.
After a bit of my own research and a Facebook discussion with several of you it seems that while women with no fertility issues can and do get pregnant while breastfeeding, when you throw known fertility issues into the mix it can be a problem. The hormones that are needed to support lactation are in direct conflict with those needed to support early pregnancy and when you already have some hormonal imbalances, ie. PCOS, it can just make things that much more complicated.
In an effort to appease the husband he spent most of the weekend with Jett and took over during times in which Jett and I would normally be nursing.
And the whole thing made me feel absolutely awful.
Jett was either clawing at my chest asking me for milk as tears dripped down his face at times of the day when he never requests milk or ignoring me in lieu of hanging out with daddy.
He was definitely out of sorts all weekend, frowning and pouty when he is normally happy and much more screamy and throwing tantrums, which is unusual Jett behavior.
On Sunday morning when Daddy came in to get him he started screaming uncontrollably for Mommy and at that point I gave in and we sat down for our usual morning nursing session.
He hungrily dove for my chest like he was never going to see me again...like I was leaving him.
It was so sad.
The whole ordeal has left me very angry.
I'm angry that I seemingly cannot breastfeed and get pregnant even though so many others can.
I'm angry that my child just happens to be one that is fiercely determined to continue breastfeeding and will not easily let it go.
I'm angry that it's anyone's business besides Jett and mine as to how long we continue.
And I'm angry that I feel like I'm being forced to choose between continuing to nourish and comfort my one child that I do have and a theoretical child that I am not yet pregnant with. Perhaps it is selfish of me to want both but there it is, that's what I want.
I want to continue to breastfeed until Jett or I are ready to be done. I've given up putting a date on it as I originally thought 18 months, then 2 years and now that we're past 2 years I'll say 3, but really...I don't know. And I don't want to put a date on it.
So there you go. What has been a beautiful relationship up until now is becoming fraught with emotion, both good and bad.
As though I'm not already wracked with guilt over my body's inability to ovulate normally or it's inability to get pregnant or it's inability to hold onto each pregnancy that it is blessed with. Let's add breastfeeding into the mix, I feel guilty about that now too.
I know most of you quit breastfeeding long ago, so I'm not expecting any advice as to what to do at this point, but...fuck, you know???