Monday, July 14, 2014

I Thought This Would be Easy

I'm not gonna lie, I thought Baby #2 would be easy.

I QUITE MISTAKENLY thought that the hard part would be getting my period to start (which it was) but once that happened, I thought I would ovulate once and TADA we would be pregnant.

Really...I thought that's how it would go.

I did not think I would be sitting here 6 months after my period started, with only 3 cycles behind me, another miscarriage and still not pregnant.

What the fuck universe?  What. The. Fuck.

If you couldn't guess, I got my period again.  

40 day cycle, 12 day luteal phase.

Things are normalizing...I get it.  Hormones are regulating, ovulation is coming sooner, cycle is shortening and luteal phase is lengthening.

All that is great.

What's not great is that my body decided to wait until 19 months postpartum to start sorting it's shit out and thus giving me no time to sit back, relax and let my hormones do their thing before getting on with Baby #2.

Dear Body, if you needed some time to regulate and you weren't gonna let me make more babies during that time then couldn't you have started earlier, say 15 or 16 months after I had the baby?  No?

Because really, Jett's getting older and older and the age gap is getting wider and wider.

I realize that's a silly, petty concern but it's always been one of my huge beefs with infertility.  No choice in how old you will be when you have your baby(ies), no choice how far apart in age they will be etc etc.

I want to choose how far apart my children are in age.  And with each passing month I'm very very aware that Jett is getting closer and closer to being 3 by the time the next kiddo arrives.

As with everything surrounding the building of my family...this is not how I imagined things would be.  After such a struggle for Jett...I really really thought things would be easier this time around.

And I'm pissed that I have once again passed the 6 month mark...but onwards we march.


  1. Awh Jesica, I'm sorry hon. IF is definitely a bitch.

    Try to remember that on a PERFECT cycle with no outside issues and perfectly timed sex, people still only have a 20% chance of conceiving each time. I fucking hate that statistic, but it's true. That's why "they" say to wait a year before getting worried. Since you've only had 3 cycles to go on, it's totally legit (although maddening and frustrating) that you're still waiting, especially since once of those cycles DID work (which is awesome!) albeit ending early (BOO).

    Just reminding you that this isn't necessarily IF that you're facing again. You're ouvlating (YAY!) your LPs are decently long (YAY!) and your cycles are normalizing. I truly think this will happen for you, and I pray that it will be sooner rather than later. I'm 3 yrs older than my sis, and I was an awesome helper when she came along (and we are close to this day). I know it might not be what you were envisioning exactly for your family, but it WILL be okay. Hang in there hon. Be pissed. And then keep on truckin'. ((HUGS))

  2. Ugh. I hear you. I am still waiting on my cycle to straighten out and started taking supplements (like you) to help out with that. I am not really in a hurry to have a 2nd, but I do have my limits to what age I want to be pregnant, how long I want to TTC, etc. I just don't envision wanting to go through this baby stage again when I am 36+ and Coop is in school. I hate that I couldn't get pregnant sooner the first time and have more time before AMA. I hate that we can't just have one things come easily when it comes to TTC. The fact that you can get pregnant on your own is a good thing however - it's more than I know about myself. Hang in there!!!

  3. Dangit, I wish it were all a lot easier. The waiting stinks and having zero control is painful. Hopefully your body catches up with your plans sooner than later!

  4. Oh hon I hear you loud and clear. The realisation that I wasn't going to be an urban legend was a crushing one. The fact tomorrow I have to leave home at 6am to have a blood test before work is just fucking horrible. I hate that we have to do this again. What did we do so wrong they couldn't decide to give us a chop out? I can deal with the age gap but I am struggling to deal with my age. hugs kisses and wine.

  5. I know you don't want to consider intervention. But with your history, I'm sure your doctor would consider it earlier than the one year mark. If you are concerned about short luteal phase...maybe adding in a progesterone supplement after ovulation (just a pill) will help your lining really beef up and stretch out that luteal phase to a full 14 days. Since you are still nursing some...your body is still off on it's ideal hormone balance. It may be keeping your lining from being robust (along with your past history of not ovulating). I have several friends (and I really do mean several because I am also an infertility patient) who had long cycles, short luteal phases and lots of chem pregnancies. that bit of progesterone therapy really helped them. Something to think about. And....I am totally pissed with you and for should not be this hard to start a family. I got prego with my 2nd (embryo adoption) when my son was 22 months old. They are 2 yrs and 7 months is a great gap...but I sometimes think a few more months would have been fine too. They play together, they fight...and they are super close. I still have hope you will have your kids close enough together for those bonds. don't be afraid to ask for help. And...I had my first at 40 and my 2nd at 43....its not so bad. Yes...earlier would have been more ideal....but overall...I wouldn't change a thing. Hang in there.

  6. AMEN. Seriously. I don't know who I thought I was kidding, that the new relaxed post parents us would just magically get knocked up....hahaha. Then 12 cycles and 2 FETs later here we are....still in limbo. For what it is worth, I still think you have a much better shot than most of us. Hope it is soon.