Monday, August 18, 2014

Back on the Rollercoaster

I've written no less than 7 drafts of blog posts describing the circumstances of my current cycle and before I can hit PUBLISH something changes.

One minute I'm convinced I'm done ovulating, like completely done, like the oves are too covered in cysts and it's over I can't ovulate on my own anymore and I'll need Clomid to continue.

The next minute I get a fucking smiley face on an opk and it's like OMG it may be CD37 but I'm going to ovulate!

Now we're back to...nevermind, not ovulating.  And considering Clomid again.

Really...I have no idea what's going on with my body.

My guess is that it's trying, it's really really trying to ovulate.  I get the smiley, I have EWCM but then it just can't quite finish it off and pop an egg out.  So it starts over.  And I have nothing for a few days, then another smiley, some more EWCM...and then nothing again.

It seems as though 3 was my magic number.

I had 3 chances to get pregnant on my own.  Just 3.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I can't tell you how pissed I am about that chemical pregnancy on the 2nd cycle.  I KNEW if I was gonna get pregnant it had to be right after I started ovulating and that I wouldn't have much time...fucking miscarriage.

That would have been too perfect.  Get pregnant my 2nd cycle and then not have to worry about ovulating anymore.  Too perfect.

It's CD40 and I'll all tapped out.  I pretty much just want this cycle to end already.  I want off the rollercoaster.

Even if I've been ovulating, these endlessly long cycles are killing me.  At this point I'm going to take the Clomid just to ovulate at a normal time, you know like somewhere in the teens, NOT on CD38 or 39 or never.

So...I guess it's back to Clomid.  Past experience says that when I'm done ovulating I'm done ovulating.  I don't ovulate one month and not ovulate the next and then start ovulating again.  Once it's done, it's done.

It's been 6 months, I ovulated 3 times, now I'm done. 

Bring on the drugs. 

Unfortunately with drugs means I need to make a decision.  Wean or keep nursing while taking Clomid.

I've made an appt with my Dr. on Wednesday and I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of taking Clomid while I'm still nursing.  We're down to just twice a day so I'm hopeful that it's possible.  I've done some research and it looks like the only effect Clomid has on lactation is that it may lower my supply, which...wouldn't be the end of the world.  I've always wanted nursing to end because my milk dried up for one reason or another be it time away from him, another pregnancy or Clomid apparently.  I just never wanted to end the relationship by one day telling him he couldn't have it anymore.  Milk gone?  Totally different story.

Anyone know of anyone who's taken Clomid while nursing???


  1. Oh dammit hon, the rollercoaster is so horridly exhausting to be on with those long cycles. I hate it. I hope the clomid allows you to ovulate at a normal-ish time in your cycle next time and gets things moving again for you.

  2. Oh how frustrating those long cycles are! I had a 51 day cycle back in Nanuary! I know there are lots of studies you can see online about Clomid while nursing. It's definitely a personal choice. The unfortunate part is that Clomid has a long half life so it's in your system for awhile. You could always consider not nursing just while you are on it? I hope your doctor has lots of answers for you and that you will be able to move forward. Good luck!

  3. No clomid advice, just saying I'm thinking of you.

  4. I don't comment often but I do follow when I find the time. I just wanted to let you know I chose to continue breastfeeding (went down from 4 to 2 feedings a day) while on clomid. I only took 50mg & told myself I'd do 6 mo. Thankfully I got pregnant by month 3. My little guy stopped very abruptly when I was 9 wks pregnant. Assuming I either dried up or the taste changed because he just wasn't having it. I did tons of research & spoke with quite a few moms who also bf while taking clomid before making my decision. I felt that if I stopped & either couldn't get pregnant again or lost it, I'd always regret it.