Frustration

CD31.

No signs of ovulation.

Frustration isn't quite the right word to describe how I'm feeling, but it'll do.

I naively and hopefully thought when my period showed up in March that meant we had 5 months, ie. 5 cycles to try to conceive naturally before we headed to the RE for some Clomid come August, Jett's 2nd birthday and our deadline we gave ourselves to be preggers with Baby #2.

But it looks like once, one ovulation, was all my body was willing to give.

Lefty is starting to get all achy again, and do you know what that means?  It doesn't mean ovulation, it means CYSTS!  Oh yes, my troubled troubled left ovary seems to be working on some cysts again. 

I knew when we conceived Jett that we have gotten unbelievably lucky in that a) I ovulated and b) we timed things right to actually conceive a baby, but in the back of my mind I always figured if I could ovulate once I could ovulate twice...I guess I was wrong.

At least things were timed right for my one ovulation, we tried and we know it wasn't an opportunity wasted.  That would have ate at me.

I'm not against Clomid, Clomid worked well for me at a very low dose and even helped get me pregnant the first time...but this time I'm still nursing which means if I can't ovulate and we can't get pregnant...I have to officially wean Jett.

I'm not ready for that yet.  And Jett definitely isn't ready for that yet.

I know 21 months is a good long time to nurse and it's well beyond how long many people nurse...but I wanted the end of our nursing relationship to be on OUR terms...not on the terms set by my body's inability to ovulate and our desire to have children closer than 3 years apart.

Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

And the pregnancy announcements just keep coming.  From all angles, friends, family, Facebook, bloggers, all the mamas at the playground, everyone is pregnant it seems and so very many of them with babes Jett's age...or younger.

Like so many of us I pretended that once we had the first baby all future pregnancies would be easy and in fact Jett's conception led credence to that fallacy as my first pregnancy was hard to come by but the second was easy peasy!

The hope that future pregnancies would be easy only makes the reality that much more devastating.

So here we are again, almost exactly 3 years later, waiting for my body to do what it's supposed to do and being devastated over and over again as 30 day cycles become 60 day cycles and 60 day cycles become 90 day cycles.

And infertility rears it's ugly head once again.