10% Off at Baby Earth

Guys, I bought my crib.

I BOUGHT MY CRIB.

And now I have a 10% offer to share with you all from Baby Earth.

If any of you use this 10% I also get 10% off and since I just bought a crib, HIGH TICKET ITEM, 10% is sweet.

Anyway, you're all more than welcome to it.

It expires April 2, randomly at 4:40pm EST.

Check out Baby Earth, I randomly stumbled upon it and it's pretty damn cute.

Let me know if you buy anything!

It appears that you have to 'Like' the offer on Facebook to get the code, so I went ahead and got the code for you.

Try this code: VLP8UUF2

If it doesn't work here's the link!

Happy Shopping!

http://curebit.com/x/49TyO

The First Due Date

Today, March 30 was my original estimated due date for Baby A.

After my 6 week ultrasound it was changed to March 31, but me and FF decided it was March 30 and that's the date that really stuck with me as my due date.

And it's here, it's finally here.

It's surreal to imagine being 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth right now.

And it's amazing that I am 20 weeks pregnant and halfway through a 2nd pregnancy as we come to what would have been the end of the first.

I looked upon this date with trepidation and dread.

I didn't know what I would be feeling, if I would be sad and depressed, or if the baby in my belly would make it all ok.

Turns out as I feel Baby B wiggling around, he makes it all ok.

I'm not sad.  I am hopeful.

Most of the events of my life, good and bad, I wouldn't change.  I believe the negative experiences as well as the positive shape us and make us the people we are.  If you change the experiences then you change the person.  And even though I have my faults I wouldn't actually want to be any other person but myself...shitty life experiences and all.

But if I could go back and change the miscarriage I would say wholeheartedly that I would.

Right now, before I meet Baby B, I would give him up to have never had to experience the miscarriage and to be having Baby A right now (because we all know baby's come right on their due dates and I would literally be giving birth right now ;-)

But I believe once Baby B arrives it will make the miscarriage a part of my life that I'm OK with.  Because without the miscarriage Baby B, which is the one I'm meant to meet, wouldn't be a part of my life.

Ok, now I'm sad.  I JUST MADE MYSELF SAD WITH MY OWN WRITING.

But today it's over.  The first pregnancy and all it's 40 weeks that would have been a part of it are in the past.  10 months that after the arrival of Baby B don't have to be so important anymore.

I have no more dates from my first pregnancy to surpass, no more reminders of Baby A.

IT'S BABY B ALL THE WAY FROM HERE ON OUT.

And I hope this year is the ONLY year that I commemorate March 30 as anything other than just another day.

How to Name Your Baby

Or what should be more aptly titled


How the Hell do I Name My Baby????

Finally at 20 weeks, we've just said SCREW IT.

The dams have burst and we're just going for it.

WE'RE GOING ALL OUT.

Decorating the nursery?  Totally started.

Talking about the baby like it's actually going to be here in August?  The 'ifs' just magically disappeared from our vocabulary.  We just say WHEN the baby comes now.

Buying baby items?  Ok to be honest I still haven't bought a damn thing. Not. A. Thing.  But since we've rearranged our nursery and guest rooms, the next step is to BUY A CRIB.  So, moving along in the right direction...must buy crib soon.

NAMING OUR BABY?...Fuck.

I thought this part would be so easy.

It seems that over the last year and a half as getting pregnant seemed farther and farther away NAMING the future baby became very unimportant and moved to the very very back of my mind and I've put basically no thought into this part of the pregnancy process in a very long time.

And I've discovered I get completely overwhelmed when it comes to all things baby.

Decorating a nursery? so overwhelmed with choices and ideas that I just stopped.  Picking out baby names? oh the choices! I always thought this would be so much fun!

Turns out it's kind of not.

I'm so overwhelmed with the thought of giving this little person their name FOR LIFE.

What if they don't like their name?!

Or what if everyone else in 2012 decides to name their kid the same thing and they have...god forbid, a COMMON name?!

I've always had a few names that I've been rather fond of but as I sat down and actually tried to NAME MY BABY I suddenly didn't like any of my names!

And sadly 3 of the names that I DO like are on the Top 10 Baby Names of 2011.  Stupid Twilight has ruined Isabella!!!

So now I'm down to like one name.

I'm supposed to come up with 5.  Ok 10 actually, 5 boys and 5 girls.

We even sat down and talked baby names the other day, decided on a girl name that we both like, looked it up in a baby book and get this....

wait for it...

my favorite girl name means....

UGLY-HEADED.

I almost cried.

Stupid baby name book just ruined our girl baby name!

Shit.

It seems like everyone else has such an easy time with this.  In fact it seems that MORE PEOPLE THAN NOT have their kid named after their 20 week scan!

I recognize that I have 5 more months to figure this out.

But I don't want to put it off until the very last minute.

I know some people who didn't name their kid until she was 3 months old.  Until then they just called her baby girl.

I don't want to be one of THOSE people.

To everyone who named your baby in utero already, how did you name your babies????

Bumpdate - 20 Weeks

Sorry I've been a bit absent, my sister and my niece came down from Oregon for a quick visit and I've been playing tour guide the last few days.

But I'm back now and....

Holy shit we're at 20 weeks!!!

Can't actually believe it.

So, on to the bumpdate.

How far along: 20 weeks.

Weight Gain: 1 more pound, we're up 10 total.

What's Up with My Body: Constipation reared it's ugly ugly head again!  I thought I had life all figured out, everything was regular after my trip messed me up and then BAM I spent one dreadful morning in the bathroom for a full half an hour in pain and CRYING.  I was scared to go to the bathroom for DAYS after that.  Luckily it was an isolated event and things are once again REGULAR.

I've started having some odd tailbone? pain.  I believe it's rectal and/or gas pressure, but it's PAINFUL.

Heartburn comes and goes, nothing too terrible, but definitely different this week.

MY TEETH.  You produce extra saliva while pregnant and up until now I haven't noticed this being obnoxious in any way (other than nighttime drooling of course ;-) but suddenly my teeth feel icky and fuzzy halfway through the day!  I've taken to brushing my teeth morning, noon and night because they just feel so disgusting if I don't.

Sleep:  I got myself a bump pillow and when it arrived I was like DAMN that thing is huge!  But it's actually super comfortable and as long as my husband still fits in the bed and the cat can still squeeze in the nook I think we're all good.  I'm still sleeping really well, but round ligament pain is back with a vengeance and I end up squealing in pain when I turn over at night sometimes.  Unfortunately I have to turn over like 5 times a night and thus sleep is quite interrupted, but I'm not feeling overly tired during the day.

Movement: Baby's movements are pretty consistent and regular.  Always after eating a meal I feel all sorts of jabs and pokes but NOT after eating sweets, even though like 99% of pregnant women told me I would feel movement if I ate sweets.  I don't like sweets either, I can't blame the kid for not getting too excited over them.

Every once in awhile I feel a BIG thump that I'm absolutely positive could be felt from the outside but by the time I'm able to get my husband's hand in position it's gone.  Dom's a little jealous that he can't feel it yet so we're now patiently waiting for the baby kicks to get stronger.

I can't tell you how at ease the movement puts me.  Not once since I've started feeling movement have I wondered if the baby is OK, I now KNOW she's ok.  Also the growing belly is my most favorite part of my body right now.  If I could sport this thing ALWAYS I totally would.  I recognize that as it gets bigger and bigger I might start to hate it, but right now I absolutely adore my 20 week bump.

Best Moment of the Week: I had 2 complete strangers on the train jump up and offer me their seats when I stepped onto the standing room only car in all of my pregnant glory.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Viability is in 4 weeks!!!!

Gender:  Pretty set on girl now.

Bumpdate:  Mixing it up again with my piccies, for today I have a 16 and a 20 week photo in the same outfit side by side.  I threw this dress on yesterday and OMG that will be the last time I am able to fit into it.  This is officially the first dress that I'm retiring from my wardrobe for the duration of my pregnancy specifically because my belly is just too damn big to fit into it anymore.

And normal piccie.

The cats got in on the action today.

Chicken

Yes, my post really is about chicken.

And it has nothing to do with pregnancy or babies.

It's deep.

And heartfelt.

And honest.

Ok, I'm full of shit, my post is just about fried chicken.

While watching The Help on my flight out to NYC a few weeks ago I decided I should make fried chicken one night when I got back home.

Once home I promptly forgot.

Then about a week ago I got out of my car at Safeway and there was this heavenly scent in the air...fried chicken!

Oh right, I was going to make fried chicken!

So, Saturday when we planned out our weekly meals (this is new for us btw and AWESOME, I highly recommend weekly meal planning!) I threw fried chicken on the list for Thursday night.

Now here we are, it's Thursday and I'm left with one small problem.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE FRIED CHICKEN.

I've never made fried chicken before.

It's not that hard is it?

I've looked up a bunch of recipes and I've decided it goes something like this.

Heat some oil in a frying pan.

Make an egg wash, coat chicken in the egg wash and flour and fry.

But is that all there is to it?

I also HATE touching raw chicken!!!  How am I going to coat the chicken in an egg wash and flour without touching it?

Maybe I should just say screw the chicken and order some pizza.

I know there must be some southern ladies out there (talk about a stereotype!  ALL southerners know how to fry chicken clearly =) Anyone have some fried chicken tips?  Or great fried chicken recipes?

Bumpdate - 19 weeks

Thank you all for your comments yesterday.  I was amazed and pleasantly surprised at how many of you felt the same way and I'm so glad I didn't keep my mouth shut!

Now, on to the bumpdate, 19 weeks already!!!!

How far along: 19 weeks, 1 more week and we're halfway!!!

Weight Gain:  Another pound, up 9 lbs total.

Maternity Clothes:  This is probably the last time I will write about maternity clothes, cause here's the deal...I'm dabbling, and I think that's as far as I'm gonna go for awhile.  My wardrobe is some maternity and some regular and I think it will stay a mix of the two until I'm like HUGE.

Food Cravings:  The milk craving continues.  I'm slightly grossed out each and every time I pour a glass of milk, but it just hits the spot so nicely and I assume this is because baby needs it so I'm just going with it, I'll worry about cutting out dairy again AFTER baby is born.

Movement: Baby kicks!!!!  First official baby kick was 18w3d and I feel them every day now after I eat breakfast when I'm sitting quietly at my computer.  It's WEIRD and that's all I have to say about it.

What's Up with My Body: I think I popped?  I woke up one day and suddenly THE PRESSURE HAD LIFTED and I was SO much more comfortable.  As I was changing my shirt that morning my husband looks at me with no shirt on and goes "Whoa, you look really pregnant."  Amusingly and INAPPROPRIATELY he decided the sex from the night before after a long hiatus had helped lift the uterus.  He is literally taking credit for making me more comfortable...with sex.  I can only imagine if we have to get labor going via sex, birthing the baby will be nothing compared to DOM getting labor started!

Other than the pure and utter relief I feel on the lower half of my abdomen the symptoms have been pretty nonexistent this week.  I've started napping again but I assume this is because baby is growing!

Sleep: When the bump popped, sleeping changed.  So far I've been sleeping really well, other than the peeing 2-3 times a night but no matter how many times I get up to pee I am still able to easily fall back asleep.

But now the bump sticks out just enough for me to be uncomfortable and want/need some support for it.  I think it's time for a pregnancy pillow.  Also, you know how everyone gets told to not sleep on their back or their stomach at this point in pregnancy, well I haven't adhered or worried about this at all because I believe my body will tell me when it's no longer a good idea.  Luckily I'm a side sleeper anyway, but sometimes I like to be half on my stomach...kind of like this picture but with my hips a little flatter against the mattress with a pillow under the knee:

source

But sure enough, one night I started dreaming that I was a firefighter, snaking a hose through this building and I kept bumping my belly into things and it kind of hurt.  I woke up and wouldn't you know it, same hurt in my belly because I was ON my belly, I had apparently flipped over a little too far onto my stomach.  So, from that moment on I've had to prop up the belly a bit so I don't roll all the way over onto it because it's super uncomfortable.  As to my back, I still sleep on my back sometimes with no problems.
It's rare anyway, so if I wake up and I find I'm on my back...oh well.  This falls under the same rules as a bunch of these that I refuse to follow.  I'm pretty sure 100 years ago (maybe even 50?) they didn't tell pregnant ladies they could only sleep in one position and since the population continued to boom regardless of what they told/tell pregnant women they can and cannot do I'm just gonna assume my body knows best and continue to not worry about my sleeping position.

Gender:  I'm stuck on girl, but if I talk about the baby I say 'he'...confused much?

Best Moment of the Week: This was a huge week for me.  Bump popped, baby moved AND I had my first random person acknowledge that I was pregnant and not just fat.  At the beginning of Italiano yesterday the teacher comes in and we all have to share our names and when she got to me she asked my name and then asked WHEN'S THE BABY DUE?  So, finally at 18w6d I looked pregnant enough for someone to make a comment.  AWESOME.

Bumpdate:

And one more photo for good measure... of me in a regular non maternity dress:

Detached

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a controversial post, I feel like a lot of pregnancy bloggers like to sugar coat and would never dare say what I'm about to say, but I don't do sugar coating very well, IRL or here, so I'm just keeping it real.

I've been putting this post together over the last few days and when Cornfed Feminist mentioned that she hasn't had her moment of attachment to her baby at 7 weeks, I thought what perfect timing for me to throw out this detachment post I've been working on since there's at least one other person who has experienced the same thing.

I hear a lot of women say they are very attached to the baby they carry around in their bellies, almost from the moment they learn they are pregnant.

If a miscarriage happens I've heard women say they miss their babies and that sometimes they have trouble trying to get pregnant again because even if they get pregnant again the new baby won't be the old baby and it's the old baby that they want back.

I don't feel any of this.

I don't feel very attached to my baby.

And I don't miss my first baby either.

This isn't to say that it would not be devastating to lose this baby.  I can't even imagine the pain of that kind of loss and I hope to god I never have to know what it feels like.

And this isn't to say that the miscarriage wasn't the single most heartbreaking, soul crushing moment of my life.  My first EDD is March 31 and I look upon the date with dread.

You guys watched, through my words, as I dealt with my miscarriage.  It was devastating.

But it was not the loss of THAT baby in my belly that I mourned for.  Let's face it that baby wasn't even a baby, it was a 9 week old fetus, or was it still an embryo?  When's the switch?  Either way, it looked nothing like a baby, it was a little kidney bean, with no discernible human shape.  

No, I mourned for the loss of what the baby represented for our future.  And what losing the baby took away from us.  A future with children.  I mourned for what felt like the loss of our future with children.

An emotional break from TTC never really entered my mind.  I wasn't emotionally attached to THAT baby, I was attached to being pregnant and what should result from a pregnancy.

A future with children.

This is all to say that almost halfway through this pregnancy I in fact still feel rather detached from this baby.

I thought that seeing the little one on that ultrasound screen would really rile up some emotion in me.

I thought I would cry.

But in all honestly, there was no fighting back tears, I didn't get misty eyed, I didn't feel a well of emotion....it was actually a little creepy.  There is a little alien MOVING around inside there like crazy and I couldn't feel any of the movements.

I don't know if how detached I feel is normal, if it's a side effect of the miscarriage, or it's just me and how I'm an emotional zombie (sense my sarcasm).

Since the ultrasound I've started to feel the baby move and just like the ultrasound...it's a little creepy.  It's a very ODD sensation, one that I know as the baby grows changes, and as much as I was looking forward to this moment, I WILL BE HAPPY THAT THIS SPECIFIC FEELING IS SHORT LIVED.

It feels like a butterfly is stuck in my uterus.

Or you know when your eye twitches or a muscle in your arm?  IT FEELS LIKE THAT.

None of this is to say that I don't want this baby with every fiber of my being.  Because I do.
I WANT THIS BABY.

And even though the movement is super weird, it brings a smile to my face every time.

I can even tell you that the beginnings of a personality and it's likes and dislikes are coming out. It seems to have no affinity for sweets, sweets do nothing for the movement, just like mama.  And it loves breakfast, just like mama.

But I have yet to have that moment of attachment where I'm like oh that's MY baby in there.

I know I will be attached once this little person pops out there.  I have no fear about not feeling an attachment after it's born.

Perhaps I need to see him/her?  Like I've never met this little person and I think I need to meet him/her before my attachment really takes hold.

Is this weird?

I wanna know.  Did you all get super attached to your babies in utero right away?  Do you feel a disconnect?  If you felt detached did it change at some point?

And if you've had a miscarriage, were you super attached to THAT baby, or was it just what the baby represented?  And have you found it difficult to begin TTC post miscarriage because you feel so attached to the first baby?

Italiano

Remember back when I was searching for a hobby to help me like SF better?

And maybe help me make some friends?

Because HOW THE HELL DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS AS AN ADULT????

One of the great mysteries of life.

Well, I finally FINALLY got up off my ass...ok that's a lie I totally did this part online but nevertheless, I started moving in the right direction.

And I signed up for Italian lessons.

Ever since we went to Italy for our honeymoon I've wanted to learn Italian.

And I swore that before we went to Italy again I would learn Italian.

It's been 2.5 years since we went to Italy.

And I still haven't learned Italian.

I bought the Italian Rosetta Stone.  It works to a certain degree, but it definitely requires a lot of self discipline and I'm much better at learning when I'm accountable to someone else, not just myself.

I'm really lenient with myself =)

"Oh Jesica, you can roll your R's really well, don't listen to Rosetta, she doesn't know what she's talking about! You're kicking ass at this and I think it's time for a break now."

After dabbling with Rosetta for awhile I can roll my R's and I know like 17 words in Italian, but I don't think that's gonna cut it.

SO I START ITALIAN TOMORROW!

Outside of my house.  In an italian school.  You know, WITH OTHER PEOPLE!

Honestly I'm kind of scared shitless.

It's been...OMG 8 years!!!! since college, since I've taken a class.

There better be some young pretty married bitches for me to hang out with and not just a bunch of old men in this class.

Because I don't want to be friends with old men.  My friends need to be hot and young and married and OMG pregnant or with a newborn would be perfect!

What?  Is that too specific?  I feel like I'm writing a personal ad.

Wish me luck ladies, cause I am about to start using my brain again AND hopefully make some new friends here in SF!

Anyone else take a class like this as an adult???  Did it amount to anything?  Did you make any friends?

Bumpdate - 18 Weeks

Warning: Ultrasound pics at the end of this post!

It's Bumpdate time again!!!

How far along: 18w1d

Weight Gain: I'm up another pound, that's up 8 total.  I'm doing well at this 1-2 lbs. a week thing!

Maternity Clothes: In NYC I wandered into the maternity section at Macy's, ironically I was looking for the bathroom and not actually shopping but OMG have you guys been there?  I've heard of Pea in the Pod but I've never actually been inside one.  It's amazing!  Everything a pregnant lady could possibly want!  Dresses, pants of every style, jeans, cargos, capris, corduroys, shorts, tank tops, T-shirts, blouses, tight shirts, loose shirts, bras, swimsuits.  You name it, they got it!

I finally broke down and bought my first pair of maternity jeans, I hate to admit it but they're designer jeans, that's right I totally overspent on jeans that I will only wear for a few months.  BUT, I plan on being pregnant for a good majority of the next 5 years (fingers crossed!!!) so I'm figuring I can get some good use out of them.  But I will not be living in these, so many of you have said how comfy they are, which is true, but I still can't see myself wearing them more than once a week or so.

I came home from NYC with the aforementioned maternity jeans, a dress, a tank top and a shirt.  Not too shabby for 18 weeks along and still fitting into the majority of my clothes.

Food Cravings: I had my first real craving besides that one many many weeks ago when I really wanted Oreos.  I was on the subway in NYC and suddenly I DESPERATELY wanted milk.  Like I was salivating specifically for MILK.  Water wasn't gonna cut it, orange juice wasn't gonna cut it, I had to have milk!  This is significant because I don't drink milk...ever.  I put milk in my coffee and every once in awhile I have cereal, but other than that, no milk, I don't even remember the last time I poured myself a GLASS of milk.  But suddenly I NEEDED it.  Conveniently when I arrived at my destination my friend just happened to have bought milk which she NEVER buys!  Perfect timing! It should be noted I was eating like shit the whole time I was in NYC also, so perhaps baby was just like OMG Mom, give me some CALCIUM!!!

Movement: I'm not sure.  BUT since I just wrote I'm not sure instead of a resounding NO I'm thinking whatever it is I'm feeling that I think might be the baby probably is indeed the baby.  It's definitely nothing distinct or strong and on the ultrasound today the little wiggle worm was moving around like crazy and I didn't feel a thing, so...I'm still not sure if I've felt movement.

What's up with my body: Traveling wreaked havoc on my digestive system.  I had the constipation under control with the magic oranges and then BAM throw me on a plane and all my hard work just went out the window, I have been SO uncomfortable the last few days, but here's hoping that with a few more days and a few more oranges we can get back to a little more regular.

Aside from the constipation there is SO much pressure on everything in there, I still have not "popped" so my uterus is sitting rather low and heavy on my bladder and intestines and boy oh boy can I feel it! I have pretty bad gas pains every time I eat and I can't stop peeing to save my life.

On occasion I'm also dizzy when I stand up.  I've had to lean against a wall or sit back down after standing up too quickly.

Gender:  I'm kind of stuck on girl now.  Are you guys sad that I COULD know now but I still don't?!  It was HARD to look away at the ultrasound today!  BUT, baby had it's legs crossed the whole time so I don't think she could have told us even if we had wanted to know.

Did you know they check your cervix at this ultrasound?  For some reason I assumed that a cervix check would have to be done via transvaginal ultrasound, but nope, they measure your cervix with the abdominal one!  For the record, my cervix is fine, even though I'm fully convinced at one point or another almost every other day that I'm going into preterm labor.  Don't know why!  I think all the gas pains make me think of contractions even though they're absolutely NOTHING like the contractions from my miscarriage.  I just can't shake the fear, especially now that in 2 weeks we leave miscarriage territory and enter stillborn territory and we're still 6 weeks from viability!

And another interesting little tidbit I learned from the ultrasound today and this gets all caps and a lot of exclamation points, I DON'T HAVE CYSTIC OVARIES RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!  Wait, what?!  I am now thoroughly, THOROUGHLY confused about my PCOS diagnosis because as far as I was aware with PCOS you ALWAYS have cystic ovaries and up until this point this has been true.  EVERY ultrasound I've ever had I have had polycystic ovaries, including the one immediately after my miscarriage.  But apparently right now they are beautiful cyst free!!!  So, if I wasn't already planning on it I pretty much have to have all my babies as soon as I can.  The MINUTE I start ovulating after giving birth (which hopefully breastfeeding will put off for at least a year) we have to start trying for #2, hence my being pregnant for the better part of 5 years reference above!  And that is also assuming that cyst free ovaries means ovulation for me!  But does this mean I don't actually have PCOS?  Why do I have polycystic ovaries that keep me from ovulating if I go hormone free for too long if it's not PCOS?????  So many questions I now have!  I guess it will all be a big fat wait and see game after giving birth.

So, without further ado...

Bumpdate:

And...Baby!

Baby Feet!

All This Pregnancy Talk

Before I say anything else I have to say ULTRASOUND IS TOMORROW!!!!

EEK!!!!


I will bumpdate tomorrow (husband out of town again!) with the ultrasound piccie.

Now back to my post.

I have something to share with you guys.

I know I talk about pregnancy almost constantly.  And the truth is I almost only read YOUR posts if they're about pregnancy (or infertility, I keep up to date with everyone's fertility treatments too).

I pretty much have nothing else to blog about these days.  And I am trying to absorb as much from the other pregnancy bloggers as I can.

And there's a reason.

With pregnancy #1 I waited until I was 8 weeks to write anything about pregnancy and then I tried to make it sporadic, every other post at most that I would write about it.  And I had barely begun to read others pregnancy blogs.

And then we lost the baby.

I had so many unpublished posts about pregnancy that were no longer relevant because I was no longer pregnant.  And I quickly unfollowed every pregnancy blog that I was reading.

Then there was a lot of miscarriage writing.  And a lot of searching for others who had recently miscarried.  And a lot of unfollowing of anyone who was lucky enough to get their BFP while I was grieving.

So, this time, instead of trying to keep my pregnancy talk down to every other post, I'm just going with it. Whatever I feel like writing that day I write and I post.

BECAUSE WHO KNOWS HOW LONG I'LL STAY PREGNANT.

And there it is.

Those sick sick thoughts that won't let me accept a full term pregnancy as a reality, those better write it and post it while you're pregnant because you might not be able to write it tomorrow thoughts.

On the outside looking in when I read my own blog it looks like I've transitioned from my place of darkness where all I could think about was recurrent miscarriage to a place where I'm now happily pregnant.  Absorbed fully in pregnancy since that's all I talk about on here and rarely do I go to that dark place anymore (except of course when met with gobs of CM =).  I don't do this consciously, which is the GOOD news, it means I'm not consciously trying to push away dark thoughts but I recognize that it might give off a much different impression of how I'm feeling than I actually am.

This whole PAIL debate really got me thinking about what I write on my blog and why.  I've never censored myself and I don't plan to start.  I write what I want, when I want and usually because it's something I want to remember. I wrote a lot about the miscarriage because I don't ever want to forget what I felt those few weeks afterward.  No, it's not pleasant but it's nice to know that I'm not there anymore.  I write about pregnancy because I want to remember all this later in life after pregnancy seems like a distant memory and I have teenagers driving me crazy.

I LOVE getting comments it's true, but they don't drive my post content, they are the added bonus of writing something worth reading.

I know that I am in a lucky position to be pregnant with 35 others who are also pregnant and have fought this battle right along side me.  Because of this, since becoming pregnant I have not had my readership go down, my comments have not gone down and my followers have actually gone UP.

But I am also very much aware that constant pregnancy chatter can be like a knife to the heart of those still in the trenches and make it seem like I've forgotten my journey to get here.  I know a lot of those still in the midst of their battles will not be reading here anymore and that's ok, I did the same thing.  

But I still wanted to let everyone know that even though my blog is constantly about pregnancy now it's not about forgetting the journey, because that would be impossible.  The unfortunate reality is...

My constant pregnancy talk = trying to squeeze in as much as possible just in case I have to quit and go back to sad writing....

Bumpdate - 17 weeks

I would like to tell you that this 2nd trimester is so easy, but this week has been rough for me as the incident two nights ago was not the only traumatic incident I've had this week.

Earlier in the week I had some sort of back spasm?/sciatic nerve issue?  In all honesty we (meaning my midwives and myself) have no idea what happened but it went something like this.  I got up, felt fine but then half an hour into my day I started having these waves of shooting pain in the lower left side of my back.  It was the waves that made me nervous, reminded me of the waves of contractions in my miscarriage (all panic attacks can be traced back to the miscarriage it seems!).  And as I sat through waves and waves with my hand on my uterus to determine if it was just my back or my back AND uterus I finally decided it was back exclusive.  Since my uterus was staying out of it my midwife said she wasn't worried, to rest and call a chiropractor if it didn't go away in a day or so because sciatic nerve pain can be a real problem with pregnant women and she suspected this may be the case.  Luckily after a day laying on a heating pad on the couch, where the waves would return every time I got up to use the toilet, it all went away.  I've had nothing, not even a tiny bit of pain in that same spot since.

Nevertheless it was another unsettling day though nowhere near as unsettling as 2 nights ago.  But you better believe there was cervix checking going on then too!  My cervix and I are getting to be such close friends lately.

So, bumpdate...

How far along: 17 weeks

Weight Gain: +2 this week!  I am up 7 lbs.  After the bump disappeared for a bit at 16 weeks it's made it's comeback, it is now around ALL day not just at night.

Maternity Clothes:  No.  Me and maternity clothes are not friends...except my leggings and my newest addition TIGHTS.  Love maternity leggings and tights.

What's up with my body: The headaches are back.  Most days at one point or another I have a headache.  They are rarely bad enough to need a Tylenol but it's nice to know I can take it as a last resort if it gets bad.  I'm also having a lot of what I assume is gas pains lately, my uterus feels like it's pressing on EVERYTHING in there, so peeing and gas are at an ALL TIME HIGH.  Please PLEASE uterus lift UP already!

Movement:  Sadly, no.

Gender:  Back to girl.  It's the bump, when the bump is out it's just so high I can't help but think girl!  I promise I'm not purposely going back and forth every week, it's just turning out that way that I'm literally going from one to the other from one week to the next.

What I'm looking forward to: Anatomy Scan in 1 week!  I'm just so excited that we COULD find out the sex even though we're not going to.  It's a milestone in pregnancy, making it far enough to find out the sex!

Bumpdate:  I'm in NYC, this piccie will have to suffice.

Look, I'm wearing jeans...just for you guys ;-)

And a quick note about flying while pregnant.  I've decided my gobs of CM were travel related, here's why:

I have 4 examples of traveling getting things "moving" down there.  Pressure changes?

First example, last September, the baby had died 3.5 weeks ago when we flew to NYC, so the flight obviously did not CAUSE the miscarriage but when we landed I started spotting.  The flight travel seems to have moved things along and helped the bleeding to start.

Second example, my miscarriage bleeding was nothing more than very light bleeding when we left NYC, tiny clots and very infrequent.  As soon as we touched down in SF I passed my first HUGE clot (sorry gross!) in the SFO airport.

Third example, 4 weeks after my miscarriage we flew to London.  Again as soon as we touched down I started my first period post miscarriage in the Heathrow airport.  But I spotted for 3 weeks after this and my acupuncturist things my period wasn't QUITE ready to start but the flying started it anyway.

Fourth example, moments after landing here in NYC on Tuesday, gobs of thick CM.  That have now completely disappeared.

I have flown TONS over the last 3 or 4 years and I have never noticed travel affected my menstrual cycle in any way before this BUT I was on the pill forever and then after that my menstrual cycles were completely wonky anyway and then just stopped.  Oh how I wish the magic of flight travel would have started my periods back then!  I flew often in those 90 and 100 day cycles with nothing!  So, for me this is exclusively a pregnant or recently not pregnant phenomenon.

MY TIP, if you're pregnant and flying don't be surprised if your CM changes dramatically from the travel!

The No Good Horrible Very Bad Day

I have a bumpdate for you I promise, but it has to wait until tomorrow because instead of a bumpdate...

I have to tell you guys a story.

It's a story that I will title, How I Freaked the Fuck Out Last Night and Convinced Myself I was Going Into Preterm Labor.

For starters, I am fine, there is nothing wrong.  Everything I experienced was normal, but because of special circumstances that I will describe momentarily it was really hard for me to convince myself of that last night.

So here's the story.

I flew into NYC last night and to refresh everyone's memories the last time I was in NYC was last September and almost immediately upon landing I started spotting and two days later we found out that a miscarriage was imminent.  We cut our trip short and hightailed it back to SF so I could miscarry in the comfort of my own home.

I was hoping that starting my miscarriage here in NYC would not taint NYC for me and I made it a point to come out here and NOT let the experience ruin NYC.

But obviously there's something of the experience still left in my brain because...

TMI warning, there is a lot of cervix and cervical mucus talk from here on out, you have been warned.

As soon as I arrived at my final destination I felt "something" in my underwear, something that felt eerily similar to passing a clot through my cervix.  Ever since my miscarriage I am UBER aware of what it feels like when something passes through my cervix.

When I went to inspect the situation I found a huge gooey gob of cervical mucus that looked suspiciously like snot.  Now ever since the beginning of the 2nd tri the CM has really kicked it up a notch from 1st tri and has been much more prevalent but up until this point CM has been very very thin and watery, nowhere near this thick.

The gooey gob was completely clear and I was in no pain.  

I immediately checked my cervix because that's what a rational person does right?  Immediately assumes her cervix is dilating because of gooey CM?  All was fine, cervix was very hard and very closed, PERFECT.  So, I didn't worry about it.

But 2 hours later after a wonderful dinner out with my girlfriends I had to use the loo again and once more I'm met with GOBS of thick mucus.  I once again go searching around for my cervix (seriously do fertiles do this?) and I CAN'T FIND IT!!!

So I proceed to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

In that instant I absolutely 100% convinced myself that I had just passed my mucus plug and that labor was imminent and that I would have to go to the ER again and lose the baby WITHOUT my husband with me.  It was the same apartment, same bathroom, everything was the same and it was like I was repeating those horrible days where I started spotting back in September.

As I said, clearly the past experience with the miscarriage starting here is still with me.

So, because I was SO FREAKED OUT I called my midwife and luckily with the time difference it was only 8:30pm for her and she answered right away.

Here's what she told me, THICK CERVICAL MUCUS IS A TOTALLY NORMAL SYMPTOM OF PREGNANCY.

And when I told her I couldn't find my cervix?

She tells me THAT IS A TOTALLY NORMAL THING FOR YOUR CERVIX TO DO.

Completely NOT convinced I somehow manage to fall asleep anyway and I had terrible TERRIBLE dreams about miscarrying.  In my dream every time I went to the bathroom there would be more and more blood.

IT WAS AWFUL.

This morning with my more rational head on I once again checked my cervix (no wonder my cervix is hiding from me, it's protecting itself from all the poking and prodding!) and once again it was right there, hard and closed.

And then because I'm staying with a friend who had a baby a few years ago and has a doppler, we dopplered me, HEARTBEAT IS PUMPING AWAY BEAUTIFULLY.

So, in a nutshell, I am totally fine and not in preterm labor.  And because I want others to learn from me, for all the preggies, DON'T FREAK OUT ABOUT THICK GOBS OF CLEAR CERVICAL MUCUS in your 2nd tri and convince yourself you're going into preterm labor if you have no other reason to suspect such a situation is occurring.

This community has a downfall.  Usually information is power, but in this instance I wish I was blissfully unaware of people going into labor at 20 or 22 weeks.  

Unfortunately in this community we are all too aware of the tragedies that befall many of our members and we know all the details, we know all about preterm labor and losing babies at 20 weeks.  It is not a story that happened to a friend of a friend of a friend, it happened to one (or many) of us and we've read the details straight from the source.

I KNOW it can happen and it sucks that my brain took me there SO EASILY.  This was the only time since becoming a member of this community where I desperately wished I wasn't and that I was completely naive and had only heard about women losing their babies from afar, like a friend of a friend of a friend lost her baby at 20 weeks and I had no other details.  

I mourn the loss of my naiveté.

So, there you have it.  Just when I start looking at strollers and getting comfortable I am STRUCK DOWN with an episode of pure crazy panic.  

We're at 17 weeks today and I have officially entered what I consider the 2nd "scary" period.  Of course the first 10-12 weeks are the 1st scary period, but somewhere between now and 24 weeks it is no longer miscarriage that is the worry (even though up until 20 weeks it's still technically a miscarriage) but preterm labor and losing your baby in a different way.  The baby having no heartbeat is becoming less and less worrisome and having to give birth to the baby because of one reason or another before it's ready to come out is the new fear.

New week, new fear.

Just 7 more weeks, just 7 more weeks...

Adios SF!

I'm out for a week, if you need me I will be here:

source

Where I will be enjoying some much needed girl time.

Finding cute dresses.

Trying to figure out why I ever left.

And very little else.

I'll try to bumpdate tomorrow but other than that posting will be light.

Everyone enjoy your week!

We Looked at Strollers

We looked at our first big baby item.

OMG.

It was surreal.

And overwhelming.

It went something like this:

We were going to Target to buy towels, since we were at Target and the Bath section is right near the BABY section we decided what the hell, let's take a look at the strollers.

This was a huge step for us.  We've never looked at baby items together.

We've never even walked through a baby section together.

It was like a wave of insanity had swept over us.  WE WERE TEMPTING FATE.

Unfortunately Target's stroller section sucks.  Do not buy a stroller at Target.

All 5 of the strollers were on a shelf at the level of my head and tethered so that you couldn't even put them on the floor to experiment with them.

Target = Baby Stroller Fail.

But since we had made this giant leap to actually looking at baby strollers and there's a Babies R Us right next door to Target we figured WHY NOT?  We'd already tempted fate by daring to look at the strollers at Target anyway, what's it gonna hurt to look at the EXACT SAME ITEM at another store?

So, into Babies R Us we go.

Have you ever been to a Babies R Us?

Babies R Us is overwhelming.

There are babies everywhere.

And lots of preggie ladies.

I felt like an imposter, like we didn't really belong there.

Like I wasn't pregnant ENOUGH to be there.

But we'd already walked through the door, THERE WAS NO GOING BACK NOW, so I stuck my belly out as far as I could and we marched ourselves over to the stroller section.  I couldn't even look at the cute tiny clothes, I kept my eyes well above eye level and stared straight ahead to the giant sign that said STROLLERS.  Avoiding glancing around us for fear of all the anxiety producing baby items.  Do we really need all of these things?

Once in the stroller section HALLELUJAH you can play with ALL of the strollers.  YAY FOR BABIES R US!

So, play we did.

Right away a cute purple one caught my eye and really how else are you supposed to pick out a stroller?  Clearly it all starts with looks, just like you know...everything. 

So, purple stroller became the object of our affection as we marveled at all the buttons, levers, maneuverability and versatility that it had to offer.

In a nutshell we played with exactly ONE and if I had to buy a stroller tomorrow that would be the one I would buy.

It comes with the carseat that snaps in.  It's light.  I could fold it up on my own.  I could pull the carseat out on my own.  It had a versatile handle that can easily be changed for height differences and...it's purple!  What else can you possibly need in a stroller?

source

Even if this kid is a boy I think he can handle a purple stroller.

I think Dom can too.

Of course we didn't buy anything (that would be insane!) but we LOOKED.

And then we pretty much ran out of there.

Progress people.  Progress.

 Of course now I never want to go into a baby store again.

I vaguely remember a version of myself that used to love going to baby stores to buy presents for friends baby showers, who the hell was that girl?  And where is she when I need her?  

Anyone else tempt fate lately?

The 16 Week Disappearing Bump

We took piccies yesterday.

The normal bump piccies like I've been doing since 12 weeks.

As I was comparing my 16 week bump with my 15 week bump I noticed something.

It's SMALLER.

Luckily I remembered about a friend who just had a baby having a very similar thing happen to her, so I went back to her blog and sure enough, it happened at 16 weeks.

Then because I was curious I googled.

Sure enough, there are TONS of forums and boards where women's bump disappears or shrinks at 16 weeks.

WTF?

Is this a normal 16 week occurrence?  Why don't they share this information with us on thebump.com or in pregnancy books instead of insisting that we should all be gaining 1-2 lbs a week and blossoming about now?

Anyone else have this happen?

Since I now have such a huge pool of pregnant bloggers to poll (34!!!) I feel I can get an accurate idea of how common this is.

I know a bunch of you are too early in your pregnancies, but keep this in mind when you hit 16 weeks and let me know!

And here's my photographic proof.

15 weeks, my what a round cute little bump you have!

16 weeks, well now you just look chunky again Jes, where'd the round little bump go?

And btw, the 16 week was taken way LATER in the day when the bump is usually out and about so it's not a time of day discrepancy.

Pregnant IFers

If you have not yet received your BFP I strongly recommend you don't read this post.  I've been there and I know how much it hurts to feel like you are the only one still struggling and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with this post.  But the reality is that I'm pregnant and I have to start living life as though I will STAY pregnant even though most of the time this is a concept I'm still struggling with.  This post is an effort to start moving in that direction.

This post is a celebration of pregnancy.

It is a celebration of all the BFP's that the IF community has been blessed with over the last few months.

I've struggled a lot with accepting pregnancy as a reality.  During my first pregnancy I went out of my way to seek out other newly pregnant bloggers, this backfired as I lost my baby and they went on to have their babies...or are HAVING them now, this is my EDD month!  I unfollowed them all and went back to IFers.

This time I've been EXTREMELY hesitant to seek out other pregnant bloggers.  Luckily the IF community was hit with a string of BFPs and I was already following a bunch of you when you received your news.  So, voila!  Pregnant buddies without me having to do a thing.

But lately, since this pregnancy is still progressing smoothly, I've been going out of my way to find MORE pregnant bloggers but this time I've stuck to pregnant IF bloggers.  I'm hoping this is a step in the right direction to help me better accept pregnancy and be more willing to wrap my brain around the idea of a happy outcome to pregnancy.

So today I removed my TTC Journey on the right hand side (though it's still a page at the top) and I added a blogroll of exclusively pregnant IFers.

Guess how many of you I found to add to this blogroll?

28

Holy shit!  28 pregnant IFers!

Most of you I have been following since long before your BFP.

Some of you I started following after I received my own BFP.

And some of you I just found through PAIL.

Some of you are a bit farther along than me.

Some of you are within a week of me.

And some of you are brand new and JUST received your BFP.

But I believe everyone is due between June and October.  We will all have babies within a few months of each other.

I don't care how pregnant you are, if you've received a BFP lately I added you.

And I'm absolutely amazed at how many of us there are.

I thought there would be 10...maybe 15.  I didn't realize the number was much much closer to 30.

I know that numbers are not always on our side and statistics would dictate that not all of us should get to keep our babies, especially in this community that always seems to have a higher number of tragedies.  So, in an effort to minimize emotional pain if this were to happen to any of us I promise to follow you all carefully and make sure that if any of you, god forbid, lose your babies I will remove you immediately from the blogroll so that you never have to see your name over there and cry.  I imagine it would be like getting a bump.com email about the next week in your pregnancy after you've lost your baby.  Been there, done that and I don't want to invoke those feelings I had for anyone who is dealing with a loss.

That being said I'm hoping to not have to remove ANY of you and even to ADD more IFers and that we as a group beat the odds!

Now, did I miss anyone?

UPDATE:  We're up to 34!!!