A New Level of Crazy

If you are one of the MANY that received their BFP in the last few days maybe you don't want to read this, NOT because there's anything scary in it, there's not, but because you probably have enough things to obsess over and you don't need to add something else to the list of things to obsess over ESPECIALLY when it's Things To Obsess Over 20 Weeks From Now.


Warning over.

I'm almost at 26 weeks.

I made it past all those scary early weeks.

I made it through the miscarriage stage.

I made it to viability.

Third trimester is coming up in just over a week.

I only have 14 weeks to go.

You would think I would have found a way to relax into pregnancy.

Instead, I have found a WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF CRAZY.

I am absolutely obsessed and WORRIED about the size of my bump.

Like, pondering calling my midwives obsessed even though I JUST SAW THEM ON MONDAY.

I was measured.  I am measuring fine.

I heard the heartbeat.  Heartbeat is fine.

I was weighed.  Weight is fine.

I can feel baby move...all the time.

But I swear that my belly has not grown since 23 weeks and I'm worried.

I also haven't gained a pound in 3 weeks (almost 4 now) and I'm worried.

Rationally I know that everyone grows at a different rate and that everyone carries that weight differently.

But 2 days from 26 weeks and my bump officially feels tiny.

It was a normal size for 23 weeks.

It was a normal size for 24 weeks.

It was small for 25 weeks.

And at 26 weeks....I feel like it's tiny.

I thought pictures would be a blessing, not a curse.  I did not anticipate obsessing over them.

I wasn't expecting this level of crazy at 26 weeks.

I thought I got off the crazy train.  HOW THE HELL DID I GET BACK ON?

I'm not even sure what I think is wrong or what I want measured or reassurance about.  

But I know what the underlying panic is about.

Baby is now ABLE (not necessarily will, but able) to survive outside the womb and how devastating would it be if baby died IN the womb when it could have survived OUT of the womb if someone would have caught whatever imaginary problem I'm obsessing about in time to get baby out.

As an update, since I wrote most of this yesterday, I went ahead and let the crazy out for my midwives and told them what I was obsessing about.  They assured me that I was measuring beautifully just last week and that they would have alerted me to any problems if they felt I was measuring small.

And they offered to have me come in again this week for another measurement.

They're good with handling my crazy.  And they should be at this point as I used to send them an email once a week asking them some ridiculous question about one thing or another.

I'm made it almost 2 months without sending them an email this time...ever since I've felt baby movements I've been calm, NOT CRAZY.

But going in for another measurement would make me feel even crazier, because what am I wanting?  I accept that I was measuring fine for 25 weeks, what I'm having trouble with is 25 weeks looks the same as 23 weeks.

You want photographic evidence?  Don't worry I have it...but you will have to wait for my bumpdate on Wednesday, because YOU NEVER KNOW, maybe it will have grown by then and I will have gained something by then AND THIS WHOLE POST WILL BE MOOT.

Either way Wednesday will be bumptastic, you're going to get a whole slew of bump pics because if I don't share them with you then all the crazy picture taking that I may or may not have been doing over the last few days will be for nothing.

I need others to share in the crazy.

Fingers crossed we have a discernibly bigger bump in 2 days time.

Until then, share your crazy, anyone else OBSESSED with their bump size?  OR something else that you know is completely ridiculous that you're obsessing over anyway?

Please share, I don't like being on the crazy train by myself...it's a journey best shared with others.