Monday, May 7, 2012

A New Level of Crazy

If you are one of the MANY that received their BFP in the last few days maybe you don't want to read this, NOT because there's anything scary in it, there's not, but because you probably have enough things to obsess over and you don't need to add something else to the list of things to obsess over ESPECIALLY when it's Things To Obsess Over 20 Weeks From Now.

Warning over.

I'm almost at 26 weeks.

I made it past all those scary early weeks.

I made it through the miscarriage stage.

I made it to viability.

Third trimester is coming up in just over a week.

I only have 14 weeks to go.

You would think I would have found a way to relax into pregnancy.

Instead, I have found a WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF CRAZY.

I am absolutely obsessed and WORRIED about the size of my bump.

Like, pondering calling my midwives obsessed even though I JUST SAW THEM ON MONDAY.

I was measured.  I am measuring fine.

I heard the heartbeat.  Heartbeat is fine.

I was weighed.  Weight is fine.

I can feel baby move...all the time.

But I swear that my belly has not grown since 23 weeks and I'm worried.

I also haven't gained a pound in 3 weeks (almost 4 now) and I'm worried.

Rationally I know that everyone grows at a different rate and that everyone carries that weight differently.

But 2 days from 26 weeks and my bump officially feels tiny.

It was a normal size for 23 weeks.

It was a normal size for 24 weeks.

It was small for 25 weeks.

And at 26 weeks....I feel like it's tiny.

I thought pictures would be a blessing, not a curse.  I did not anticipate obsessing over them.

I wasn't expecting this level of crazy at 26 weeks.

I thought I got off the crazy train.  HOW THE HELL DID I GET BACK ON?

I'm not even sure what I think is wrong or what I want measured or reassurance about.  

But I know what the underlying panic is about.

Baby is now ABLE (not necessarily will, but able) to survive outside the womb and how devastating would it be if baby died IN the womb when it could have survived OUT of the womb if someone would have caught whatever imaginary problem I'm obsessing about in time to get baby out.

As an update, since I wrote most of this yesterday, I went ahead and let the crazy out for my midwives and told them what I was obsessing about.  They assured me that I was measuring beautifully just last week and that they would have alerted me to any problems if they felt I was measuring small.

And they offered to have me come in again this week for another measurement.

They're good with handling my crazy.  And they should be at this point as I used to send them an email once a week asking them some ridiculous question about one thing or another.

I'm made it almost 2 months without sending them an email this time...ever since I've felt baby movements I've been calm, NOT CRAZY.

But going in for another measurement would make me feel even crazier, because what am I wanting?  I accept that I was measuring fine for 25 weeks, what I'm having trouble with is 25 weeks looks the same as 23 weeks.

You want photographic evidence?  Don't worry I have it...but you will have to wait for my bumpdate on Wednesday, because YOU NEVER KNOW, maybe it will have grown by then and I will have gained something by then AND THIS WHOLE POST WILL BE MOOT.

Either way Wednesday will be bumptastic, you're going to get a whole slew of bump pics because if I don't share them with you then all the crazy picture taking that I may or may not have been doing over the last few days will be for nothing.

I need others to share in the crazy.

Fingers crossed we have a discernibly bigger bump in 2 days time.

Until then, share your crazy, anyone else OBSESSED with their bump size?  OR something else that you know is completely ridiculous that you're obsessing over anyway?

Please share, I don't like being on the crazy train by's a journey best shared with others.


  1. Darn. I'm ALREADY obsessed with this and I'm only (almost) 17 weeks. In my case though it's surely just paranoia because I can see in a difference in my bump in my recent pictures. Just on a day to day basis I feel like it's not growing at all! I had a breakdown to Josh the other day that I was SURE that our baby had stopped growing because I didn't feel like my bump had gotten any bigger. He talked me down from that ledge but…I totally get it. I hope that your bump pops in the next 2 days but either way I am down for obsessing over pictures!

  2. I'm sure I'll hop on this crazy train in a few weeks. Right now I've just got an acute case of Imposter Syndrome.

  3. I have a friend who is tiny like you, and she was due a week after me. Her bump was tiny her whole pregnancy, but she always measured fine and had an 8lb baby! Bigger than Austin was, and I was HUGE compared to her. I'm sure its just that you are a small person to begin with... your bump just has the illusion of being small. Don't despair! Plus, you do go thru a ton of growing in the last weeks, so you might explode in your 3rd Trimester. :-)

  4. I always seem to apologize when I call my doctor because as much as I'm sure things are fine I can't always help myself! (like I did today:)
    My guess is the baby just moved positions. A lot of how the bump looks depends on how they are laying in there. If they change positions the belly may look smaller or larger. Just my guess! Goodluck. Glad your midwives are so understanding!

  5. The other day at yoga someone said, wow! for 16 weeks pregnant with twins you look small! I was like ... NO! I THOUGHT I WAS BIG! Then I freaked out for a bit.

  6. During my first pregnancy I didn't show until 34 weeks. Honestly. That was the first time anyone that wasn't positive I was pregnant ventured to ask me about my pregnancy. Since I didn't announce that was a long time. I tried not to worry as I have a very long torso which hides babies very well. My kid was 8lb 6oz and to this day I have no idea where he was in there. I'm sure you're just fine. Everyone carries different and trust me, in 10 weeks you will be thankful you're smaller!!

  7. You are not crazy I always obsessed in the same way. I think the baby bump changes size all the time depending on the way the baby is positioned. I know my boys would change spots often. I hate to break it to you but it is likely that you will worry until you are holding your baby in your arms. The good news is that everything is progressing wonderfully and soon enough you will meet your gorgeous little bundle.

  8. I agree with KC. Your baby may sit back further and therefore your bump seems smaller. If your baby is positioned toward the back, your smaller bump would make a lot of sense. My sister would look different from day to day because my nephew would move positions and it would seem her bump got smaller!

  9. I wake up every morning convinced my bump is smaller.

  10. haha, I hear you, except from the other side.....everyday I worry that I am getting bigger and that one of these days I am just going to explode already. I worry that I will have a Jessica Simpson sized baby and that I will be a perma blimp. So it goes both ways :). Your bump looks great, lots of my girlfriends barely showed with #1, and I had one friend who seriously did not show until 28 weeks, and had a perfect 7 lb 11 oz baby.

  11. Don't worry about the size of your bump - from what I've seen, bumps are like fingerprints - everyone's unique. I've seen little ones, big ones, pointy ones, flat ones and ones that are just plain scary.

    I've had one person comment how small I am and then the next person go "woah, you are huge!" The size or look of your bump really means nothing at all with how your baby is growing, trust your midwives and get off the crazy train at the next station okay! xxx

  12. girl I am on the ledge with you today! Except ok the bump issue never worried about but today haven't felt her kick enough. And I am trying not to obsess but the reality is all I want to do is is OBSESS. I am crazy. The good news! We are all teh same :)

  13. AHHH I just wanted to tell you, you have under 100 days left! I just saw your ticker! it says 99!! WOOOOOOWHOOOOO!!!