Bumpdate - 16 weeks

Wednesday again!

I must say that ever since I made it past 12 weeks the time just seem to FLY by.  It took FOREVER to get to 12 weeks but my god that was already a month ago!

How far along: 16 weeks

Weight Gain:  Same +5 lbs. The scale hasn't budged much from 127 since about 8 weeks.  I'm supposed to start gaining 1-2 lbs a week now, call me crazy but I'm looking forward to this part, gaining weight on purpose?  Sign me up! ...oh right, I'm already signed up, there's no going back now.

Maternity Clothes:  Maternity clothes are not working for me.  I have some leggings and I have some tank tops but they're pretty much my bedtime clothes, not clothes I wear out of the house.  I bought a dress from Target the other day online, it arrived and it is HUGE, it is NOT just extra material in the belly it is a TENT.  I imagine it will fit much later on but for now no dice.  Don't they have some "little bit pregnant" dresses?  Clothes that are still little with just a LITTLE extra room in the belly and boobage areas?  I should probably just go up a size in regular dresses but I'm worried about them not fitting AFTER baby is born and I'm also worried about them just looking baggy since I'm not OVERALL bigger just in the front!

What's up with my body: The round ligament pain that I had earlier on is BACK.  Ouch.  Constipation is still around, but thanks to Chon, having an orange a day has helped immensely and I'm hoping we can keep things at this semi-regular schedule that we have finally come back to.

And the dreams, the dreams are crazy!  They're very vivid and intense and I have so many dreams a night.  Every time I wake up in the middle of the night to pee or when I'm dozing in the early AM I wake up from yet another dream.  Dream after dream after dream.

An example of the bizarre things I'm dreaming about.

I dreamt I was Matt Damon stealing Donald Trump's car from his yacht, when I woke up I had just run over glass ala Bruce Willis style and was digging the glass out of my feet.

I dreamt I was fighting with a zombie, I woke up swatting at my cat because I thought he was a zombie trying to eat my face.  In reality he was just cleaning himself and apparently the motion next to my face dredged up a zombie eating my face.

I dreamt I was Cleopatra.  I don't remember anything else about this dream, just that I was Cleopatra.

I dreamt about coffee, lots and lots of coffee.  And I was trying to figure out how I was gonna drink it all because I was pregnant and not supposed to be drinking 12 cups of coffee a day...but I wanted to.

And I have lots of anxiety dreams, at least once a week I have a dream where I'm late for some sort of appt or a flight and my house is a mess and I'm trying to clean my house and pack my bags and people keep interrupting me and I'm having a terrible time trying to get it all done and make my flight or appt on time.  

Food Cravings/Aversions:  I don't talk about food much on these because I haven't had much in the way of food aversions or cravings.  I have pretty much stuck to the same diet I had pre-pregnancy, I just eat a bit more with more snacks in between meals.  But I've realized I actually do have one food aversion and I've had it for awhile.  I guess I never thought of it as an aversion because it's not an aversion to a TYPE of food it's an aversion to a preparation style.

My aversion is to LARGE CHUNKS OF MEAT, ie. steak, chicken breast, salmon filet, pork chop.  I am fine with all types of meat but I need them IN something, I don't want them by themselves as just a hunk of meat on my plate.  So, because of this I've been making a lot of casseroles and quiches lately.  Also a great way to get my spinach and leafy greens though, hide them in something!  This is also an amazing way to have leftovers and craploads of vegetables because I pretty much throw in all the vegetables I have in my fridge every time I make a quiche or casserole.  I'm LOVING casseroles and quiches!

Gender:  I'm back to thinking boy.  No reason for this, just what I'm feeling.  But I still have my sister whispering in my ear "it's a girl" because the heart rate was once again 130.  Btw I'm aware that google and every internet source out there says the low heart rate is boy, that is why this is specific to my sister and her own personal theory on heart rate/sex.  I've been testing it out on other people with kids or pregnant...she seems to be pretty spot on.

Bumpdate:  Husband is gone AGAIN, so you're getting a different version of the bump.  This is what the bump really looks like on a day to day basis.  I don't actually wear a black stretchy tank top and a long flowing white skirt every day of my life...in fact the black on top and white on the bottom TOGETHER is something I would NEVER wear out in public it just happened to be the only thing I have that will fit all the way through 40+ weeks.

Oh iPhone how I love trying to take pictures of myself with you.  Blurry. Tilted.  Awesome.  Whatevs, you get the idea.  Also, everyone understanding my dress situation?  Fits over the bump JUST FINE and this one is actually OK over the boobs because I bought it whilst pregnant but this is the style I'm drawn too and many in my closet are just too damn tight in the top!

I know I can't stop complaining about my clothes and if you're annoyed with me that's fine cause I'm totally annoyed with myself. Like if this is the biggest thing I have to complain about lately then life is good and maybe I should just shut the fuck up =)

But it doesn't mean I'm gonna shut up about it because this is my blog and honestly this IS the biggest problem in my life right now...constipation and trying to find dresses that fit.  I know, life is hard.  But honestly this is the calm AFTER the storm that was the end of 2011.  Maybe you're all enjoying the break from you know DEATH and MISCARRIAGE as much as I am and don't mind this new light and fluffy blogging I'm trying out.  So...back to complaining about the dresses.

Surely I'm not the only one with this problem?  You all sort of suggested maternity tops in my last post, does everyone just start wearing maternity jeans and maternity tops?  I'm not down with this plan as I'm just not much of a jeans girl.   I wear jeans once maybe twice a week and mostly when I'm home doing stuff around the house.  If I go out I throw on a dress.  I find jeans uncomfortable even not pregnant, so pregnant they're doubly so.  Aren't there some other dress wearing preggos out there who read my blog and have brilliant suggestions for me?

Dressing the Ladies

Let's talk about boobs again.

My boobs are wreaking havoc on my daily outfit choices.

Everything in my closet fits just fine over the bump.

I have dresses that emphasize the bump, dresses that hide the bump, dresses that I can wear over the bump for MONTHS still.

But the girls, the girls not so much.

It would seem that small chested girls dress differently than large chested girls.  Perhaps all you large chested girls were already aware of this, but it never occurred to me that I would grow out of clothes because of MY BOOBS.  I was preparing for a bump explosion out of the clothes, not a boob explosion.

Small chested girls can flaunt what they got without looking slutty, tight tops and low cut tops we can get away with easily because we don't have much chest to show off.  But large chested girls, large chested girls gotta keep those babies under wraps APPARENTLY, or buy clothes that are bigger than size S just to fit the knockers in comfortably and to keep from straining their clothes to within an inch of their life.

I'm discovering that I without fail dress for my FORMER small chested body and that all of my small chested girl dresses have a little bit of a theme going on.

They're tight on top.

And looser on the bottom.

This is of course on purpose, at least I know now I dress for my body type.  Tight on top (or low cut) because I'm small and I'm emphasizing the smallest part of me, then flowing on the bottom because I hate my thighs.

I'm a fan of empire waists and baby doll dresses.

Totally perfect style for a bump btw.

But my wardrobe has no room for giant ta-tas.  The tops are SO TIGHT.  So tight that the dresses start to dig into my armpits.  Or the girls are so squished in there that I have cleavage coming out of what used to be a very cleavage less dress.  In a nutshell, the yabbos are making me UNCOMFORTABLE on a daily basis.

I'm not sure what the solution is to this.

I don't think maternity clothes are the answer, my bump is tiny and have you seen how much fabric maternity dresses have???  I know they are also a bit roomier in the chest for just the situation I'm describing but I gotta have a bump to match the bosom for maternity dresses to really be the answer.

It seems a bunch of you other preggos already belonged to the big booby club, are you running into this problem as well or are your clothes so well designed for giant ta tas that they have room for extra growth?  And small chested preggos what about you?  Are your boobs making your clothes uncomfortable long before the bump?

Clearly a shopping trip is in order I'm just very undecided as to what style of dress I should now be looking for.  Or is a bigger size the answer?  Ugh, so many questions!!  What's a formerly small chested turned large chested girl to do?

I Caved

I've tried really REALLY hard to remain calm during this pregnancy and let nature do it's thing.

I declined early testing and early ultrasounds.

I declined my 12 week NT scan.

I've avoided calling my midwives panicking and have only had 1 extra appt to break up a 4WW to hear the heartbeat.

I've survived on hearing the heartbeat once every 2 weeks since I first heard it at 10 weeks.

Generally my symptoms have been enough to keep me sane and convinced that my baby is still alive.

But a few weeks ago in a moment of sheer panic I broke down and bought myself a fetal doppler.

source

Once it arrived I had talked myself down off whatever ledge had drove me to make such a rash purchase and the doppler stayed in it's box.

I've resisted every urge to use it MOSTLY because I was scared to death I wouldn't be able to find the heartbeat on my own and I was convinced this would cause more stress rather than relieve it.

But today I have a midwife appt and we'll hear the heartbeat, so yesterday, for no reason at all, other than I wanted to give it a shot, I opened up my fetal doppler.

And I found 85's heartbeat right away.

He ALWAYS seems to be hiding down in the bottom right hand side of my ute.

I must admit, it was pretty fucking cool.

So today I'm walking into my midwife's office a little bit more relaxed and a little bit less stressed and kind of loving my doppler.

But I've promised to leave the doppler in the box and use it no more than once a week.  The promise is to my husband who thinks (rightly so) that using the doppler all the time is bad for baby as baby HATES it and tries to hide from it.

Anyone else buy a doppler?  I feel like a neurotic crazy person with her own personal home doppler.  I'm so embarrassed about my purchase I didn't tell my husband about it for a week and I have NO plans to tell my midwives.  Such a far cry from the calm "let nature take it's course" pregnant lady that I'm striving to be!

In other news I NEED SOME HELP.

To all the other Blogger users who have added a PAIL button.

PLEASE SEND ME THE HTML THAT WORKED FOR YOU!

What Elphaba sent me doesn't work, my own tinkering with some google help doesn't work and I'm very near throwing my brand new MacBook Air against a wall because I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

Clearly I'm not a computer whiz.  And I'm stumped!

So please please please, if you got the PAIL button to work, HELP ME OUT!

Update:  PAIL button is FIXED!!!

PAIL: Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss

Every single infertility blogger wants to someday cross over to the other side and have their infertility blog turn into a pregnancy blog and later into a mommy blog.

But every single one of us that pees on that stick and gets a longed for positive instead of the oft repeated negative has no idea how to make the transition.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss leaves you feeling very much in limbo.

We walk a fine line between not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings by talking about pregnancy too much and struggling to find a place where we belong with other pregnant bloggers who didn't have to fight to achieve their pregnancy.

All of your fellow infertiles who are still waiting for their BFP's probably don't want to hear you bitch about how uncomfortable pregnancy can be and since you've been there you realize that for anyone still in the trenches that complaining about pregnancy can be like a knife through the heart.

But let's face, pregnancy isn't all rainbows and unicorns and even though most of us pray for the nausea and fatigue and constipation to stick around just so we know we're still pregnant, it still makes for some pretty uncomfortable situations and sometimes you just gotta whine about it.

But on the other hand, those of us who have struggled/experienced loss just to get to this point have a really hard time relating to pregnant women who did not struggle to get here.  We don't feel like we belong with the "fertiles" but we know we're losing out place with the "infertiles".

Infertility is still a part of you, the loss is still a part of you, but you're on the path to motherhood and at some point you have to cross over.

So, what's a pregnant infertile blogger to do?

Elphaba has come up with an answer for us, a blogroll of other Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility and Loss bloggers, so we can all connect with each other and be in limbo together.

If you want to sign up and join, do it here.

And if at any time you want to check out the blogroll and find other preggo (or parent) infertiles just click my button on the right!

Update:  Apparently my button over there on the right does not work right now...I'm working on it and much to my chagrin IT'S NOT COOPERATING.  Hopefully in the very near future clicking on the button will work!!!

100 Followers

I've hit 100 Followers.

This is cause for celebration.

If I wasn't pregnant I would pour myself a nice big mimosa with very little orange juice and drink it outside in the sunshine.

Instead I will just congratulate myself with a glass of orange juice...sans champagne.  BORING.

100 Followers I want to thank you all for following along through my journey.

The majority of you are here via the IF community and I thank you ladies for being here with me through my little journey to hell and back.

And while I pray every day for a healthy FULL TERM pregnancy I know that if things were to go belly up I have this wonderful group of women to fall back on for support and that makes the whole damn thing just a tiny bit less scary.

This blog is about a year and a half old now, if you didn't know because no one was following me then it started out as a chronicle of my time abroad as an expat in Sydney and it was called 

From Sydney With Love.

When we returned to the States it very slowly but very surely turned into random/life musings blog peppered with recipes, book reviews and decorating ideas as I really wasn't ready to come out of the infertility closet and share my anovulation woes with the world.  Then it was well on it's way to becoming a pregnancy blog when one miscarriage rocked me to my core and forced the infertility story out of me.

And I've never looked back.

Honestly I never thought I would have as many followers as I do, writing was/is therapeutic, especially during tumultuous times and I mostly write for myself but I do love having a group of people on the other side of this computer screen with shared/similar experiences to tell me things like: 

It's Ok to still cry every time I talk about my miscarriage.

Miscarriage is WAY more common than we're led to believe when we start our journey to motherhood.

Everyone thinks their baby is dead at some point in pregnancy.

That my cat probably DOES know I'm pregnant.

It's Ok to be totally freaked out about a pregnancy post miscarriage rather than elated and excited.

and

Constipation is a normal part of pregnancy.

I hope you all stick around for the ride as we CONTINUE on the pregnancy path and god-willing all the way to the all but unreachable land of motherhood.

Love you all and thanks for following!

Just How Deep the Denial Goes

I've had a few people ask me lately if I've started buying baby items yet.

I'd love to say yes.

To say that I'm confident in my pregnancy and I've started buying onesies and bibs and cute baby outfits.

But the answer is a resounding no.

Not a thing.

I haven't even looked.

I haven't walked through the baby section.

I haven't stepped foot in a baby store.

I haven't browsed baby clothes online.

While many things have changed for us as the pregnancy has progressed and my husband and I are now able to talk about the baby, there's still a bit of denial going on that we will actually have a baby come August.

We've managed to set the pregnancy week that we will sell our Olympics tickets, we've decided when my husband will discuss paternity leave with work and we've set midwife and ultrasound appointments through March.

But we haven't talked names, we haven't cleaned out the nursery, we haven't looked at furniture and we haven't bought any baby items.

I don't even mark my calendar with anything farther than the next week in the pregnancy.  As in I hit 15 weeks pregnant yesterday but I have not yet written 16 on next Wednesday.

Pregnancy is still a here and now concept and still too hard to put into future context.

But just how deep does the denial go?

Have you guys heard of Hautelook.com?  Designer clothes for cheap?

Well, just a week or so ago Citizens of Humanity was having a sale, so I bought some jeans.

Let's think about that for a moment.

I was 14 weeks pregnant and I just bought a pair of non-maternity jeans in my regular size.

It didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't fit.

It didn't occur to me that I would be growing OUT of things like jeans and it probably wasn't the time to buy regular jeans.

They arrived yesterday and guess what?  They don't fit.  Not even a little bit.  

My husband looked at me like I was crazy when he saw them sitting on the kitchen counter.  

"Are those maternity jeans?" he asks.  "No" I sheepishly reply.

"Do they fit?" he asks.  "Of course not." I say.

I can wrap my brain around being pregnant IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW.  But I have a little trouble when it comes to thinking about the pregnancy IN THE FUTURE.  Obviously it did not occur to me that my pregnancy would be progressing and that regular jeans would not fit.

I thought I was doing so well, but perhaps I still have a few hangups to work out.

It's a little sad.

I find myself commenting on other newly pregnant after a loss blogs, saying "it gets easier with time." blah blah blah.  Like I'm so wise just 7 or 8 weeks farther along than they are.  And while it DOES get easier emotionally, as in I am not constantly worrying about losing this baby anymore, that miscarriage obviously still has a hold on me and I can't fully come to grips with the possibility of this pregnancy going full term, let alone an actual baby resulting from said pregnancy.

What can I say?  Your brain does some funny things in an effort to protect itself from damage.

To everyone else pregnant after a loss, it IS easier as time goes on, I promise, constant thoughts of miscarriage have all but vanished, I have a moment once a week or so when I'm convinced the baby is dead but I think that might actually just be a normal pregnant woman thing and not specific to my pregnant after a loss situation.  I am WELL past where I lost my last one and thus have nothing to compare the rest of this pregnancy to and have no reason to assume things will go awry.  

But I DO have trouble with the concept of pregnancy and a resulting baby mentally.  And I don't know when or if this will go away.  When I see a picture of how big a 15 week old fetus is inside a body I am perplexed, IS THAT REALLY HOW BIG THAT THING IS ALREADY?  Maybe all women feel this way?  I don't know.  But there it is.

I'm still scared I won't have a baby come August and apparently I'm still deeply in denial about needing maternity clothes and baby stuff.

I know I have a long way to go yet before things like naming the baby and buying it clothes become a dire need but in the meantime I should probably concentrate on buying APPROPRIATE clothing for myself and maybe quit buying non-maternity clothing?

One thing at a time.

Bumpdate - 15 Weeks

Wednesday already?

And it's March next week already?

And we're at 15 weeks already?

Time is FLYING.

How far along: 15 weeks

Weight Gain: I weighed myself this morning and it looks like I'm down a lb, so we're at +4 lbs.

Maternity Clothes:  I still haven't bought maternity clothes BUT I have officially grown out of 2 items of clothing.  A pair of jeans which is to be expected since they were tight when I started this pregnancy and...wait for it...a COAT.  Yes, the girls are SO BIG that my COAT, the outermost layer, the largest piece of clothing when it comes to clothing, will not button over them.  I admit that it is a fitted coat, but I've worn it through several WINTERS, i.e. over layers of clothing without it even feeling snug, now IT WON'T BUTTON.  As I said I've lived most of my life fairly flat chested and having clothes be too LOOSE in the top is a problem I'm more familiar with.  Too snug in the top?  We're in totally foreign territory here.

Luckily we're well on our way to Spring and I won't be needing warm coats anymore, but talk about UNEXPECTED.  Who grows out of their coat?

I also may or may not have just gone shopping and bought several dresses that are only gonna fit for another month, 2 months max.

What's Up With My Body: Again amazed at the difference from one week to the next.  Headaches are gone, heartburn is gone, CONSTIPATION IS STILL HERE.  I'm trying some of your suggestions, starting with the natural/food ones.  We're starting with eating oranges daily to help combat this as well as adding Chia seeds into my smoothies, LET'S SEE IF ANY OF THIS HELPS.

What I miss: Not having to pee every 10 minutes.  If I sit down for ANY length of time I have to pee when I stand up.  Five minutes, half an hour, DOESN'T MATTER, must pee upon standing.  I also miss sleeping through the night without peeing.  I can't get away with peeing less than twice a night, no matter how much I try to limit my fluid intake in the evenings.

What I'm looking forward to: Baby Kicks!  Everything I read says sometime between 16 and 20 weeks is when you start to feel little baby kicks.  We're at 15 weeks and I'm thin (supposed to feel them earlier if you have a small frame), I'm hoping sometime in the next few weeks I get to feel baby kicks!

Gender:  This week I'm feeling girl and I'll tell you why... you remember my disappearing bump from a few nights ago?  That bump is HIGH, like right under my boobs.  High bump = girl.

Bumpdate: I think the bump has come out to play and she's sticking around.  It never completely goes away anymore and I can't suck it in and make it disappear anymore.  I don't feel like I've "popped" yet and I haven't had a stranger ask me if I'm pregnant yet, but I've got enough of a bump that I don't feel like I look bloated anymore.

To all you other preggos who are right near me in your pregnancies, WHERE'S THE BUMP PICS?  A lot of you do these weekly updates SANS PICCIES!  What's up with that?  I want to see your bump SO I CAN COMPARE!  I desperately need to know if I'm bigger or smaller than all of you ;-)

Everyone start bumpdating please!