Friday, April 27, 2012

My Former Self

Before IF entered my life and I thought I would get pregnant the second I quit taking my pills I had a very distinct family that I was aiming for.

I wanted 3 girls.

If you couldn't guess, I am one of 3 girls.

I have no brothers, my family is a family of girls.

I have one niece, no nephews.

And oddly, Dom's family is very similar.

Of course HE'S a boy but he's got 2 sisters, and 1 niece.  So between the 2 of us there are 4 sisters and 2 nieces.  Yes, there are brother-in-laws, but the blood relatives are girls.

So, I wanted girls.

And even more specifically I wanted BLONDE girls.

I knew when I married my husband that my blonde dreams were probably going out the window as he has black hair and everyone in his family has dark fact I've never met a relative of Dom's with blonde hair.  I can hold out hope that there's a recessive gene in there somewhere, but more than likely there will be no blondies coming from Dom's gene pool.

And I accepted this.

But I still wanted the girls.

Then somewhere along the line when it became apparent that making babies was not going to be as easy as we all hope it is I gave up on the girls and resigned myself to having boys.

Like somehow if giving up the girl babies would make getting pregnant easier I was all in.  This obviously isn't rational, it wasn't my desire for girl babies that kept me from getting pregnant, but you all know how it is, crazy thoughts take hold.

And you're willing to give up ANYTHING just to be pregnant.

The first pregnancy I was sure it was a boy, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER.  Not even a tiny little bit, I did not mourn the loss of my dream family with 3 girls AT ALL.

But then Baby BOY A didn't make it.

So, here we are with Baby B and I became so convinced during this awful journey that I was never going to be lucky enough to have my girl babies that I just wanted a baby, it didn't matter if it was a girl, that I have trouble even considering that this baby could really be a girl.

Maybe this is why I ALWAYS call it 'he'.

I can't even tell you if I prefer a girl over a boy anymore.

As everyone tells me that I'm carrying a girl, I find myself almost sad that it might NOT be a boy.

Take that my former self!  Is it possible you actually want a boy baby now?

All my other IFer's did you give up dreams of having one sex or the other just to be able to conceive?  And if you're pregnant now do you find yourself wanting one sex over the other?

Or do you find yourself like me where no amount of soul searching will drum up a preference of one over the other, MUCH TO YOUR OWN SURPRISE?


  1. In my baby fantasies, I've always had a girl. And I'm still stuck firmly on girl. I even have her name picked out. I always envisioned myself raising a girl. Maybe it's because I have such a wonderful relationship with my mother and hope to have that with my own daughter.

    That being said, I know I would love a little boy just as much as a girl. I'd be thrilled with either. :)

  2. I am the exact same way. I come from a family of 2 girls and I wanted 2 girls. But now, who cares? I will take whatever I can get! Happily.

  3. In all my thoughts my first baby is always a boy. In fact I when I lost my pregnancy a week ago I prayed that I would never know the gender of the baby because I knew if I found out it was a boy I'd be even more heartbroken. Then I'd feel like a horrible person because no matter the gender it is miserable to go through miscarriage.

    I'm sure when the time comes I won't care one way or another what gender I get. I'll just be surprised if it is not a boy.

  4. I always thought I would have one of each, it didn't really matter the order as long as I got one of each. However I thought I would be incredibly sad if I ended up with 2 boys, so I secretly hoped for a girl first, then a boy.

    Now I am looking at the real possibility I'll just have one baby ever and we'll be a family of 3. I know we just can't afford another ivf, and adoption is expensive too. This makes me very sad. I can't imagine not having a big family. If anything infertility has made me dream even more about having 3 or more kids and a large family. I don't even have my first baby and I am already mourning for the siblings he or she may never have.

  5. I used to want boys but then I struggled after a loss and unexplained infertility. Once I got pregnant, I was happy for either one to come into our life as long as he/she was healthy. But, once we found out that we were having a girl, I have been just so darn excited!

  6. I've always wanted a girl. My blog is even named after her! But I definitely felt guilt along the way that maybe all the boy embryos weren't sticking around because they thought I wouldn't want them just as much. I still hope for a girl. I'm just so girly. I know more about what to do with a girl. And in fact I dreamed of a girl baby last night. But of course I will love a boy just as much. I'll just need to craft a new vision if that's what we have. Either way, truly thrilled!

  7. I still hold out hope for a blue eyed baby. I knew it was unlikely before all this IF stuff because of hubby's eye color. Still a possibility, though, as his maternal grandma has blue eyes.

    That said, the IFer in me now just. wants. a. baby. It's amazing what IF and losses can do.

  8. At first I thought I wanted a girl, but then I started dreaming about boys. So.. I don't know what I want! And I don't have much choice anyway!

  9. haha, I am the opposite! I come from a family of 3 girls, and to me 3 girls is straight up hell!!! We were little monsters, oh god, the teenage years we were so horrible to my mom! I always swore I did not want girls because I would have it coming for sure! Now as time goes on I could get so excited about either, I want a boy because Jon has 2 girls, plus little boys love their moms, but I want a girl because they are just so darn cute and have so much to say.....