My Former Self

Before IF entered my life and I thought I would get pregnant the second I quit taking my pills I had a very distinct family that I was aiming for.

I wanted 3 girls.

If you couldn't guess, I am one of 3 girls.

I have no brothers, my family is a family of girls.

I have one niece, no nephews.

And oddly, Dom's family is very similar.

Of course HE'S a boy but he's got 2 sisters, and 1 niece.  So between the 2 of us there are 4 sisters and 2 nieces.  Yes, there are brother-in-laws, but the blood relatives are girls.

So, I wanted girls.

And even more specifically I wanted BLONDE girls.

I knew when I married my husband that my blonde dreams were probably going out the window as he has black hair and everyone in his family has dark hair...in fact I've never met a relative of Dom's with blonde hair.  I can hold out hope that there's a recessive gene in there somewhere, but more than likely there will be no blondies coming from Dom's gene pool.

And I accepted this.

But I still wanted the girls.

Then somewhere along the line when it became apparent that making babies was not going to be as easy as we all hope it is I gave up on the girls and resigned myself to having boys.

Like somehow if giving up the girl babies would make getting pregnant easier I was all in.  This obviously isn't rational, it wasn't my desire for girl babies that kept me from getting pregnant, but you all know how it is, crazy thoughts take hold.

And you're willing to give up ANYTHING just to be pregnant.

The first pregnancy I was sure it was a boy, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER.  Not even a tiny little bit, I did not mourn the loss of my dream family with 3 girls AT ALL.

But then Baby BOY A didn't make it.

So, here we are with Baby B and I became so convinced during this awful journey that I was never going to be lucky enough to have my girl babies that I just wanted a baby, it didn't matter if it was a girl, that I have trouble even considering that this baby could really be a girl.

Maybe this is why I ALWAYS call it 'he'.

I can't even tell you if I prefer a girl over a boy anymore.

As everyone tells me that I'm carrying a girl, I find myself almost sad that it might NOT be a boy.

Take that my former self!  Is it possible you actually want a boy baby now?

All my other IFer's did you give up dreams of having one sex or the other just to be able to conceive?  And if you're pregnant now do you find yourself wanting one sex over the other?

Or do you find yourself like me where no amount of soul searching will drum up a preference of one over the other, MUCH TO YOUR OWN SURPRISE?