Let's Talk About Poop

Guys, if 3 months ago you would have told me that I would one day have a very strong desire to write a post about poop, I would have laughed at you.

And then if you would have told me that I was actually going to publish a post about poop I would have laughed even harder.

Because I don't talk about poop.

Ok, correction, I DIDN'T talk about poop.

I now find that I could talk about poop with almost anyone at any time because constipation has become a chronic issue that consumes way more of my thoughts than I ever thought possible...and I feel the need to share.

You see, when pooping is easy it never crosses your mind to want to talk about it.  It's an insignificant part of your day.  A rather boring, disgusting but necessary part of your day.  You wait for the urge, go to the bathroom, IT TAKES EXACTLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO PEE, and you're done for the day.  You don't talk about it because there's nothing to talk about and poop never enters your mind again until it's time to poop again the next day.

And then you get pregnant and you hear all sorts of stories about pregnancy and constipation.

But you still think oh that won't happen to me, I've NEVER had poop issues.  That only happens to women who already have poop issues, you know all the women who TALK ABOUT POOP.

And then.  AND THEN.  It happens to you.

And now many a day my thoughts are consumed with pooping and what I can eat that will help me poop.

"What can I eat today that has fiber in it?"

"Did I poop yesterday?  Or was it the day before?"

"Maybe I should start eating prunes."

"Roughage?"

And because I'm always thinking about it, somehow I end up talking about it.

I never wanted to be one of those couples who talked about their bowel movements.  My husband LOVED to tell me about his pooping and I HATED it when he talked about pooping.

But now, well now I've joined in the conversation.

And I'm so miserable with being constipated that I can't even be bothered to be embarrassed that we are now one of THOSE couples that talks about poop on a regular basis.

Guys, pooping is important.  And we need to talk about it.

You see there isn't just one kind of constipation, oh no, I've discovered there are many many DIFFERENT KINDS of constipation.

Let's discuss.

First there is what most of us think of when we think of constipation, the inability to poop for several days.  The only time I've ever experienced any kind of constipation is when traveling.  And all that happens is that for 3 or 4 days I don't go, nor do I have the urge to go and then one day I go with no trouble, no pain and that's it, constipation over.

That was constipation for me pre-pregnancy, now I know that this is the EASIEST kind of constipation.

The next kind of constipation is the kind of constipation that involves the inability to poop fruitfully.  So while you're going everyday you're not producing much and your poop is coming out in hard pebbles.  This one is more obnoxious than painful because SOMETHING is happening it's just not as significant as it should be.  

This is also easy constipation.  Drinking a ton of water helps with this.

The next kind is the kind that is back to the inability to poop but accompanied by a STRONG DESIRE TO POOP.  Your body is "trying" but for one reason or another it just isn't happening.  This kind of constipation hurts.  There is a lot of cramping and pressure and tons of signals for you to GET TO A TOILET NOW, but no amount of sitting on the toilet does anything to help the situation along and you end up crying and sweating on the toilet.

This is my new fear whenever I have the urge to poop.  WILL IT HAPPEN????  Because unlike before, it's not a given that the urge to poop will actually produce a bowel movement.

Sad but true.

The last kind is exactly the same as the situation above but preceded by DAYS of NOT pooping, so not only do you KNOW you need to go and your body is telling you to go but you know you REALLY need to go and that it's not gonna be pretty when it finally happens. 

This is the situation in which "cuts like glass" is an expression I've heard often for when the poop finally happens.  This one also involves crying and sweating on the toilet and if your kid tells you it hurts to poop and is scared of the toilet, I DON'T BLAME THEM ONE BIT.

That one makes me scared of the toilet too.

Luckily this one is a rarity for me and more often than not I am dealing with constipation issue #3 above and not #4 here.

But just because it hurts less is that actually better to be crying and sweating on the toilet often rather than have a break of 3 or 4 days?  Now I wonder.

And there you have it.  Constipation...all over my blog.

Anyone have a constipation issue that I forgot to talk about?

As I am about to hit PUBLISH I'm having a moment of OMG how embarrassing that I'm about to publish a post about poop.  But you know what?  Homegirl over here is just keeping it real.  Whilst pregnancy is amazing, the unglamorous side of it is way more fun to talk about and I'm so miserable BEING CONSTIPATED that I can't be bothered to be embarrassed.

And you know how much misery loves company.

This is a whole new side of me that I never even knew existed.

So let's discuss poop everyone.

And PS I've tried just about everything there is to try as a constipation remedy and as I've said a few times, every week I have about 6 days in a row of complete and utter regularity but regardless of my constipation remedies once a week issue #3 above will hit me for a day, sometimes two...and then it's back to regular again.  So I'm not looking for anymore constipation help at this point, I've tried it all, everything works for the most part, I just want to hear stories about how you are all just as constipated as I am =)