Thursday, April 19, 2012

Let's Talk About Poop

Guys, if 3 months ago you would have told me that I would one day have a very strong desire to write a post about poop, I would have laughed at you.

And then if you would have told me that I was actually going to publish a post about poop I would have laughed even harder.

Because I don't talk about poop.

Ok, correction, I DIDN'T talk about poop.

I now find that I could talk about poop with almost anyone at any time because constipation has become a chronic issue that consumes way more of my thoughts than I ever thought possible...and I feel the need to share.

You see, when pooping is easy it never crosses your mind to want to talk about it.  It's an insignificant part of your day.  A rather boring, disgusting but necessary part of your day.  You wait for the urge, go to the bathroom, IT TAKES EXACTLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO PEE, and you're done for the day.  You don't talk about it because there's nothing to talk about and poop never enters your mind again until it's time to poop again the next day.

And then you get pregnant and you hear all sorts of stories about pregnancy and constipation.

But you still think oh that won't happen to me, I've NEVER had poop issues.  That only happens to women who already have poop issues, you know all the women who TALK ABOUT POOP.

And then.  AND THEN.  It happens to you.

And now many a day my thoughts are consumed with pooping and what I can eat that will help me poop.

"What can I eat today that has fiber in it?"

"Did I poop yesterday?  Or was it the day before?"

"Maybe I should start eating prunes."


And because I'm always thinking about it, somehow I end up talking about it.

I never wanted to be one of those couples who talked about their bowel movements.  My husband LOVED to tell me about his pooping and I HATED it when he talked about pooping.

But now, well now I've joined in the conversation.

And I'm so miserable with being constipated that I can't even be bothered to be embarrassed that we are now one of THOSE couples that talks about poop on a regular basis.

Guys, pooping is important.  And we need to talk about it.

You see there isn't just one kind of constipation, oh no, I've discovered there are many many DIFFERENT KINDS of constipation.

Let's discuss.

First there is what most of us think of when we think of constipation, the inability to poop for several days.  The only time I've ever experienced any kind of constipation is when traveling.  And all that happens is that for 3 or 4 days I don't go, nor do I have the urge to go and then one day I go with no trouble, no pain and that's it, constipation over.

That was constipation for me pre-pregnancy, now I know that this is the EASIEST kind of constipation.

The next kind of constipation is the kind of constipation that involves the inability to poop fruitfully.  So while you're going everyday you're not producing much and your poop is coming out in hard pebbles.  This one is more obnoxious than painful because SOMETHING is happening it's just not as significant as it should be.  

This is also easy constipation.  Drinking a ton of water helps with this.

The next kind is the kind that is back to the inability to poop but accompanied by a STRONG DESIRE TO POOP.  Your body is "trying" but for one reason or another it just isn't happening.  This kind of constipation hurts.  There is a lot of cramping and pressure and tons of signals for you to GET TO A TOILET NOW, but no amount of sitting on the toilet does anything to help the situation along and you end up crying and sweating on the toilet.

This is my new fear whenever I have the urge to poop.  WILL IT HAPPEN????  Because unlike before, it's not a given that the urge to poop will actually produce a bowel movement.

Sad but true.

The last kind is exactly the same as the situation above but preceded by DAYS of NOT pooping, so not only do you KNOW you need to go and your body is telling you to go but you know you REALLY need to go and that it's not gonna be pretty when it finally happens. 

This is the situation in which "cuts like glass" is an expression I've heard often for when the poop finally happens.  This one also involves crying and sweating on the toilet and if your kid tells you it hurts to poop and is scared of the toilet, I DON'T BLAME THEM ONE BIT.

That one makes me scared of the toilet too.

Luckily this one is a rarity for me and more often than not I am dealing with constipation issue #3 above and not #4 here.

But just because it hurts less is that actually better to be crying and sweating on the toilet often rather than have a break of 3 or 4 days?  Now I wonder.

And there you have it.  Constipation...all over my blog.

Anyone have a constipation issue that I forgot to talk about?

As I am about to hit PUBLISH I'm having a moment of OMG how embarrassing that I'm about to publish a post about poop.  But you know what?  Homegirl over here is just keeping it real.  Whilst pregnancy is amazing, the unglamorous side of it is way more fun to talk about and I'm so miserable BEING CONSTIPATED that I can't be bothered to be embarrassed.

And you know how much misery loves company.

This is a whole new side of me that I never even knew existed.

So let's discuss poop everyone.

And PS I've tried just about everything there is to try as a constipation remedy and as I've said a few times, every week I have about 6 days in a row of complete and utter regularity but regardless of my constipation remedies once a week issue #3 above will hit me for a day, sometimes two...and then it's back to regular again.  So I'm not looking for anymore constipation help at this point, I've tried it all, everything works for the most part, I just want to hear stories about how you are all just as constipated as I am =)


  1. HAHA!! I'm not having any issues, but I did when I was pregnant for a short time-NOT fun. Love this post though, there's nothing like a little poop humor. :)

  2. My husband and I talked about poop before I got constipated - I mean pregnant - and now I will even IM him at work if I have a good poop it's that exciting.

    I've started taking colace every 3-4 days just to get the pebbles to appear again. I'm also having a hard time drinking enough, which I know is adding to the problem but I was never a big liquid consumer and now for some reason it's even harder. I wish I had a solution, I wish my bowles would move (but not too fast, the other way is also bad!)

  3. Hahahahahahahahaha! I'm sorry, my unicorn, but I have no sympathy for you, only empathy! And welcome to the world of true love, where poop dominates the conversation. Please tell me farting gets play in your conversations with Dom, too.

    I may have OD'd on miralax. I just inadvertently pooped at work. Not in my pants . . . yet.

  4. I'm sorry, but this post made me laugh. A lot. I'm NOT laughing at your misery, but at your way of talking about it. You have a gift. (Just so we're clear, that gift would be writing, not constipation.)

  5. Ah. I feel your pain. The Zofran made me even more constipated. It was horrible and I was definitely sweating and crying in pain. Luckily it's coming in waves these days and the 2-3 pieces of fruit that baby girl seems to want has been helping. I hope your feel better!

  6. POOP!!! I love that you just wrote this post. Hubs has the problem you speak of where he needs to go, but only a little comes out, and it's hard and painful, although he really feels the urge to go. He has found a natural solution to this problem which you can try (or not try!) BUT--it has worked wonders for him. It's called Squat Pooing. You can google it on the internet. It takes the philosophy of a lot of Asian cultures who squat when pooing and have a much lower rate of colon cancer. There are stools you can buy to go on either side of the toilet to raise you up to squat level, or you can do what my Hubs does (which I have told him I never EVER want to see). He lifts the toilet seat that us girls sit on, and squats directly on the toilet bowl itself. (This requires him to wipe down the bowl every time he squats since it's also prone to get pee on it from his poor aim). This position has basically cleared up his problem completely. Food for thought!

  7. This is good practice for when that baby comes...because then your life and conversation will totally be consumed with poop. Complete strangers will ask you about your child's bowel movements or bring up their child's and it won't even phase you. Then your child will get constipated and you'll end up sticking a Q-tip, or worse, your finger, up their little butt while they're screaming to get that ouchie turd out.

    Best of luck to you!!

  8. I recommend a regular daily dose of lactulose. GP prescribed it for me, amazing stuff. Don't get complacent and stop taking it if you think you are "fixed".....just keep on taking it. Whenever I had an ailment during pregnancy my midwife would always tell me, only delivering your baby will fix this! Until the, lactulose!

  9. I'm one of those who regularly struggle with this also when not pregnant. So I'm so used to it, it's less of a big deal for me - even if it's worse now during pregnancy than normally. Luckily though it's mostly type 2 in your description. Water however has never really helped me - I always drink loads of it. Magnesium tablets on the other hand does help me. Although I hate taking them because of the chalk taste and texture.

  10. ok, here is a fun one... you have the total urge to go, you go.. its hard and painful and you're sweating and it kinda comes out, but basically wants to go back in so you are stuck in an in between phase.. that unfortunately was my pregnancy constipation. Ugh. if it's any consolation.. once you hit the 3rd Trimester, it should go away. Mine did and I was more than regular until the end.. I think your body starts "cleansing" to get ready to have the baby. :-) And you are right, the unsavory things are the most fun to talk about.. just wait until the topic is "Baby Poop.. What Colors are Normal?" :-)

  11. Ha Ha, I love it! Let's just get it all out there. I actually learned alot with this post, thank you very much. I feel like after having 5 pregnancies I still have these issues. It used to be that I could help things along by drinking my diet dr. pepper and all would be good...not the case anymore. I'm totally a Fiber junkie now, I also clip coupons for things like Fiber One cereal and Metamucil...I am an 85 year old trapped in a 30 year old's body.

  12. Not constipated yet, but I know it's gonna happen soon! I think with pregnancy all dignity goes out the window and suddenly all you can talk/think about it gas, poop, burping, farting, etc. The things that *used* to be forbidden topics. At any rate, I'm so glad your pregnancy is progressing well...that's the most important part!!

  13. Ha! This is a funny post. Poop will be part of your vocabulary as a parent too, I'm sure :). You look beautiful in your prior post! Hope all is well