Thursday, November 17, 2011

Inability to Conceive vs. Miscarriage

I'm not feeling particularly sad today, I've just had this sitting in my draft folder for a week or two and wanted to post it before I no longer feel this way and never post it.  I wanted to document the processing of emotions after a miscarriage I guess.  

Everyone insists that after a miscarriage the fact that you were able to GET pregnant in the first place is a good thing and that you're very likely to be able to get pregnant again and unlikely to miscarry again.

Fair enough.

I believe the logic.

But a miscarriage is SO MUCH HARDER mentally than the inability to conceive in the first place.

One year of trying with no pregnancy was a much easier place to be in than 16 months of trying and 1 miscarriage.

I don't care about the ability to get pregnant being a good sign, I care about the fact that I WAS pregnant and now I'm not, with no baby to show for it.

If you've never been pregnant you will never be able to say oh my kid would be this age now. All you can say is that if we'd become pregnant when we wanted to we would of had a kid this age now. Small difference, but a huge huge difference mentally.

I never think if we had become pregnant when we wanted to we would have a 7 month old child now, that never actually enters my head...except now because I had to think about it to write it.

But we had a due date. So, forever there will be a theoretical birth date to the baby we lost.

Huge mind fuck.

When people get pregnant after you've lost yours you think oh my baby would be this many weeks older than theirs.

And then after all the babies are born you'll forever have the age of your own baby that you don't have ingrained on their happy growing little faces.

I did not have such a problem with pregnant people when we were struggling to conceive. I didn't like that people were getting pregnant all around me, but I was a little more indifferent to it than I am now.  I felt excluded from a group that I desperately wanted to be a part of.

But it was so much easier than getting to join the group for a few weeks and then getting KICKED OUT of the group.  So now not only am I feeling left out, I'm feeling rejected.

After having been a part of the TTC for over a year with no pregnancy club and now my newest membership in the miscarriage after a year of infertility club I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the miscarriage club is a harder one to be a member.

My heart aches desperately for all the women who are part of the recurrent miscarriage club and I am scared to death that that will be the next club I have to join.

Fucking pregnancy loss.  Hardest thing I've ever had to struggle through.


  1. *hugs* First off I am so sorry for your loss, you are right nothing prepares you for that news, and it literally breaks your heart. Infertility is tough, dealing with Infertility and miscarriage is a whole new level.

    I don't mean to belittle anyones journey, I can simply state from my own experiences that a whole new level of pain was unleashed. I relate completely to this post, heck I could have written a post like this in the past (had I blogged then).

    All I can do is tell you how sorry I am for your loss, and that reaching out and sharing your emotions helps. I joined the TTCAL group on WebMD after our first loss and those ladies helped me through a lot of tough times.

  2. Beautifully written. miscarriage is a horrible thing to experience, I can relate to the part about everyone around you being pregnant, then becoming pregnant and losing the baby, while they all go on to have healthy pregnancies. Now seeing their babies always stings a little, for a split second. The thought of my baby would have been the same age comes and then quickly goes. Its so hard to be around people that don't understand too, after telling my aunt today that my follicle check results were not the best, she said to me, you know my friend so in so was on all kinds of treatments and didn't get pregnant till she stopped trying...ya great for your friend, it densest work like that for all of us! and especially all of us who have tried so hard for so long then lost the only thing we ever wanted in the blink of an eye. I feel some sense of relief after beginning this blog, I feel like I can relate and share stories and struggles and get by with nice comments and knowing that people care, so I am here to say I care and I am truly sorry for your loss. Keep thinking positive thoughts, good things come to those who wait :)

  3. i never thought i could get over my ectopic and the loss of my tube and i did. and honestly, getting pregnant right after daddy died was such a shock and miracle -- we had sex once in Jamaica and then losing that baby too...has been the hardest for me. last thanksgiving i was pregnant. this one, i am not and no baby. just a little baby boy in heaven. i don't talk about it anymore but it hurts on a daily basis. it never goes away but what i trust is that it will get better.

  4. I'm with you. The first 9 months of no luck were sooo hard. But absolutely nothing compared to 9 months and a miscarriage. And that, in turn, pales in comparison to 22 months with a miscarriage and ectopic. It seems silly to say, and friends who have gone 22 months without getting pregnant do say "at least you can get pregnant" but I would rather have no pregnancy (and loss). My fear is that I am incapable of keeping a pregnancy. Makes the decision about IVF a real mindfuck. Right up there with the level of mindfuck that comes with terminating a (very desperately wanted) ectopic pregnancy. This stuff is just so fucked up.

  5. So very true, it is such a tough road and any hope that it gives you is completely swamped with that sadness. Hang in there friend! (glad you are feeling a bit better though)

  6. I completely agree. Infertility was so hard (and still is) to deal with. I absolutely hated the not knowing if I would ever get pregnant. I worried that it would never happen, and prayed and prayed that I would just get pregnant. Well, my prayers were answered. I guess I need to be a little more specific this time and pray for a healthy baby. Now that I've dealt with miscarriage, I would much rather take back those old feelings of not knowing if I could. Now, not only do I have all the same thoughts as you do, but I still don't know that I can carry a baby to full term. I still don't know that I will get pregnant again. I still don't know if I will ever have a baby. And on top of all that, I now have to deal with the loss of my precious child. Ever single day is a day without that child. It's so hard.

    I'm glad you shared this post. It's something I've always thought, but never could quite put into words. I'm so sorry we all have to go through this. I don't even have any encouraging words. Sorry. But you are in my thoughts.

  7. I often wonder what would be worse, as I "fortunately" never had to struggle with getting pregnant (until now, apparently). But I never really felt fortunate, having lost four pregnancies. During my third pregnancy, a friend of mine was two weeks behind me...I lost mine and she continued on to have hers. Her daughter will turn 1 in February. We're not close any more because of my loss and her inability to give me support for it, but when I see her out, it is a constant reminder of how old my baby should be. Even when I don't see her, I think of her baby girl often and how mine never made it. I hate every part of this. I'm so sorry you're a part of this club. It's a shitty ass club. The membership benefits are the worst.

  8. I am a new reader, going through some old posts, and hope you don't mind me commenting on this one.

    This comment, "One year of trying with no pregnancy was a much easier place to be in than 16 months of trying and 1 miscarriage."... really hit home for me.

    We are on 22 months of trying and 1 miscarriage.

    Congrats on your pregnant:)