I'm not feeling particularly sad today, I've just had this sitting in my draft folder for a week or two and wanted to post it before I no longer feel this way and never post it. I wanted to document the processing of emotions after a miscarriage I guess.
Everyone insists that after a miscarriage the fact that you were able to GET pregnant in the first place is a good thing and that you're very likely to be able to get pregnant again and unlikely to miscarry again.
I believe the logic.
But a miscarriage is SO MUCH HARDER mentally than the inability to conceive in the first place.
One year of trying with no pregnancy was a much easier place to be in than 16 months of trying and 1 miscarriage.
I don't care about the ability to get pregnant being a good sign, I care about the fact that I WAS pregnant and now I'm not, with no baby to show for it.
If you've never been pregnant you will never be able to say oh my kid would be this age now. All you can say is that if we'd become pregnant when we wanted to we would of had a kid this age now. Small difference, but a huge huge difference mentally.
I never think if we had become pregnant when we wanted to we would have a 7 month old child now, that never actually enters my head...except now because I had to think about it to write it.
But we had a due date. So, forever there will be a theoretical birth date to the baby we lost.
Huge mind fuck.
When people get pregnant after you've lost yours you think oh my baby would be this many weeks older than theirs.
And then after all the babies are born you'll forever have the age of your own baby that you don't have ingrained on their happy growing little faces.
I did not have such a problem with pregnant people when we were struggling to conceive. I didn't like that people were getting pregnant all around me, but I was a little more indifferent to it than I am now. I felt excluded from a group that I desperately wanted to be a part of.
But it was so much easier than getting to join the group for a few weeks and then getting KICKED OUT of the group. So now not only am I feeling left out, I'm feeling rejected.
After having been a part of the TTC for over a year with no pregnancy club and now my newest membership in the miscarriage after a year of infertility club I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the miscarriage club is a harder one to be a member.
My heart aches desperately for all the women who are part of the recurrent miscarriage club and I am scared to death that that will be the next club I have to join.
Fucking pregnancy loss. Hardest thing I've ever had to struggle through.