Thursday, November 10, 2011

Bursting the Happy Bubble

I was in a pretty good place.

A happy little bubble if you will.

I no longer thought about how far along in my pregnancy I would be.

I no longer thought about how many weeks since the miscarriage.

All was in the past.

And I was looking forward.

Forward to when I may or may not ovulate.

Forward to when it didn't matter anymore and I could try Clomid again.

Forward to when we were no longer in the worst year of my life and it was finally 2012.


And then, with one text message, my happy little bubble has burst.

First pregnancy announcement post miscarriage.

She is 41 and he must be 45...ish.

And they've been married maybe a year.

I'm devastated.

Devastated because I'm not pregnant...still.

And devastated because I'm struggling to be happy for others.

I don't want to be this person. This person that instead of thinking oh yay, good for them. I think, wtf? really? even the over 40's can manage it easier than me? un-fucking-believable.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be this person.

But here I am.

Happy bubble burst.

And I have no idea what to do about it.


  1. Uhg. I'm so sorry. I understand you don't want to be there, but know it's OK for you to be there for a while. It really is. You'll move through it and get to a better place. It just takes time. Sending hugs!

  2. I'm so glad you had such a lovely time away, and I'm so sorry it feels like the bubble has burst. You are not "that person" you are a person who has been through a really hard time, adn your ability to be happy for others is another thing that has been "taken" from you through this process, it has nothing to do with what kind of person you are. The first announcement after miscarriage is hard, my first was a lady who had been trying as long as I was and I couldn't be happy even though I knew I should. It gets better. Thinking of you xoxox

  3. Please don't beat yourself up because you can't be happy for someone else's pregnancy right now. I agree completely with what Lady Grey said. Be kind to yourself.


  4. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be going through what you are. Keep your chin up and remember, it's completely okay to feel the way you do because of everything you are going through. Put on a good face for them, of course, but it's okay that you are struggling. We got married in the same month of the same year. We are hoping to have a baby soon, too - it's amazing how quickly time passes. Thinking of you and hoping for good news for you soon!

  5. Just pray. I can only chalk it up to "everything must be part of God's plan that I obviously don't understand." I never understood why these teenagers could so easily conceive when a) they weren't "trying" and b) when they really didn't even want the baby they were having.

    Not saying that every teen pregnancy is like that, but where we live - the majority are and they'll even tell you so.

  6. Ouch - I know too well how it feels when you get slapped in the face with a birth announcement. It feels like someone has just kicked you in the gut. I'm sorry you're in that dark place - you will get out of it at some point, but it's so hard when you're there. Take care, thinking of you.

  7. Exact same thing happened to me. It was an oops for them. Now they have a healthy baby and I'm still trying. It sucks. There are no words. Just take sometime for yourself. I hope you get you happy back soon!!!!

  8. Thinking of you. I know how hard it is to just get to the point of being okay. Not thinking about a baby that would be due...or how many weeks along you were...that took me months to stop doing and I can't say that it never happens. I found out my best friend was pregnant a few months after my miscarriage. It was an opps, happened on the honeymoon situation. It was hard to explain to others that my sadness didn't come from her being pregnant, it had to do with things being so easy for her while they have been hell for us. Hang in there. It gets better with time. Focus on you and your health.

  9. those announcements really suck. i don't know how to be happy for others unless they are from the infertility sites. its like i need to know they struggled.
    hoping better days are ahead for you.

  10. it happens and it will for awhile. it is human to feel these emotions.