Monday, November 21, 2011

Worst. Year. Ever.

Just when I thought 2011 couldn't get any worse, it's decided to throw some more shit at us.

I was at another funeral last week.

Someone who became like a second mother to my husband passed away from breast cancer.

She meant a lot to him and it's all I can do to keep from crying and be the strong one when I see his eyes glistening with tears as he speaks about her.

That was the 3rd that I was waiting for.  Because bad things come in threes.

Miscarriage. Grandma. Dom's American Mom.

I was hoping it was over.  That all the bad was over.

And then, unexpectedly, I got news that my friend, the one that was due just a week before me, lost her baby at 20 weeks.

There are no words.

I was jealous.  Jealous that she was still pregnant while I had lost mine.

I was dreading her due date almost as much as mine.

And now, now her baby is gone too.

And my heart aches.

After going through one yourself you can never hear the word miscarriage and not have a rush of emotions come back to you.  It's like living it all over again.

Those first few days of soul crushing, mind numbing grief as you mentally try to come to terms that you are no longer pregnant and there will be no baby.

I am no longer jealous, I am now thankful.

Thankful that if we had to lose our baby that we lost the baby at 12 weeks.

But my fear of pregnancy has increased by like a thousandfold.  There really is no time during a pregnancy when you can relax is there?

I've never been so ready to say goodbye to a year more than I am to 2011.

2012 can not get here fast enough.


  1. So sorry to hear about your loss, all of them. Yes, 2011 has not been a good year and I am also happy to see it go. Here's to hoping 2012 is better....It has to be, right?

  2. its so scary to think about getting preggo, because then the new set of worry is so much bigger.
    so sorry for your losses.... i truly hope its only good news in the future for you.

  3. I am SO SO sorry for all that you are going through. I know that feeling where you think it'll never end. It will. May you find peace in the man that you have to travel through this journey with.

    xo chanel

  4. Oh no! I'm so sorry about all your losses, and that is really scary. Your poor friend! Yes, 2011 totally sucks- 2012 better be better. xoxo

  5. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. Sending you lots of love

  6. I'm so sorry for all of the losses you've gone through this year. I'm sure it feels unbearable at times.

    My thoughts go out to you and to your friend her lost her baby. There are no words for such a tragedy...

  7. I found your blog through your comment on Starfish Kitty's post about back east. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your friend's loss. I've lost four and it doesn't seem to get easier as time soon as I think it is, it gets excruciatingly difficult almost immediately. As painful as my losses were (3 were around 7-10 weeks), I can't imagine going through what your friend is going through. This is all so unfair. I'm sending her love, and to you as well.