Tuesday, October 4, 2011


While I may be getting dressed every morning.

And showering.

And brushing my hair.

And cooking meals.

These days I'm just...sad.

Very, very sad.

My grandmother passed on Saturday.

I passed the baby the Saturday before.

And the Saturday before that was beginning of the miscarriage.

I'm not enjoying my weekends as of late.

There's a part of me that knows I should just take it easy and let myself grieve for a little while.

But another part of me is so. sick. of crying.

I have cried at least once every day since September 17.

That's a lot of crying.

And I'm worn out.

I'm pondering whether or not to get a gym membership because maybe getting out of the house and getting my endorphins going might make me feel better.

But since I have no appetite lately I'm a little nervous to add exercise into the routine. I don't want to lose a bunch of weight again. I fit comfortably into all of my clothes and as much as it sucks to grow too fat for your clothes it sucks going the other direction too. Nothing makes you feel uglier than having a whole wardrobe of ill-fitting clothing, be it too small or too big.

I'm starting acupuncture again tomorrow to try to get my hormones back on track after the pregnancy. I don't know how much I believe in acupuncture per se, but it's an hour of complete relaxation in which I spend my time not thinking about how much life sucks because I'm busy trying to count down the minutes until the needles come out.

I know that doesn't sound relaxing, but there's no clock and no way to look at a watch, so if someone says I'll be back in 20 minutes, how else are you going to know when 20 minutes has gone by?

Without fail I fall asleep long before I get close to 20 minutes.

Relaxing I swear.

And I figure it can't hurt at this point. I don't think anything can hurt at this point.


  1. I am so sorry - how unbelievably painful this must be. I think you're dealing with it admirably. Just the fact that you're trying to do positive things for yourself is a great sign - I am a huge believer in massage and/or acupuncture as ways to relax and disconnect. Yoga can be good for that too. If it's helpful at all, I found that after my second IVF failure (and subsequent hopeless messages by doctors) that the only thing that got me out of my funk was going away on a trip. This may not be possible/practical for you right now, but it's amazing what a change of scene can do. Whatever happens, I hope that you find some peace and healing soon.

  2. Get that gym membership. Do yoga. Go for walks. Exercise is great for mental physical and overall wellbeing. My OB always said that I needed to keep working out because it would help me in my journey to getting pregnant. I wouln't worry about losing more weight, just take it easy and get some gym time in to break up your day. I wish there were something I could say that would make it all better, but I know there is not. Keep waking up and going through the motions. Plan a trip away, even just a weekend. xx

  3. I go to acupuncture and agree that it is SO relaxing. My acupuncturist usually leaves me for about an hour or longer, and I, too, fall asleep quickly and easily there. It's some of the most relaxing times I am getting these days.

    I'm sure you've been told this: you don't have to be getting over this anytime soon. You suffered a huge loss and if you don't feel like going for a walk or to the gym, then don't. Eventually, I promise you, you will. Until then, grieve in lazy, do-nothing ways if that helps.

    And blog about it. When I was in the throws of my pregnancy termination, blogging was the only way I could express myself without crying senselessly. It helped me get emotions out. And eventually I came out of my dark hole.

    Yes, some almost-3-months-post-termination I still have really bad days. Like this morning when I woke up thinking about my pregnant sister-in-law and was SO PISSED OFF. On what is normally a peaceful walk with my dogs, I was talking aloud and saying horrible things. Just had to get them out.

    You will get through this. And many people - husband included - may not understand why it's "taking so long." But you will get through this.

  4. The gym sounds like a good idea. It is not like you have to go in there and totally bust out in complete calorie burning sweat. You can get on the tread mill and stroll along, get on the efx and just slowly glide along, take a relaxing yoga class, do some light weights... stuff like that. I know I always feel better after the gym. Maybe you will meet some new friends too- some new company could be nice :)

  5. I think anything that helps you relax - gym, yoga, acupuncture - is good for the mind and soul. Have you done acupuncture before? I'm not sure I believe in it completely either, but having been thinking about it for fertility.

    Hang in there Jesica, but it's healthy to mourn. And it will come and go. I was cleaning the other day and found my ultrasound picture at 6 weeks. That was four months ago. I cried all over again. It never goes away, but the pain gets better. Hugs to you.

  6. Thinking about you lovely. I know the feeling of just 'sad.' Im glad you have your blog to write. Its a good outlet. Just try to smile as many times a day as tears fall. It might just make you feel a little better. Xo

  7. I totally get grieving, and while I didn't lose my child, I lost a lot of other things...like the idea of ever chasing her through a field while she giggles and screams, like talking to her about boys and her first period, like seeing her walk down the aisle on her own wedding day, and definitely the idea of her giving me any grandchildren. It's been over a year and a half and I still cry. A lot. Hang in there. I can't promise it'll ever get easier, but I can promise that distractions help. Acupuncture, exercise, eating buckets of ice cream, whatever...do whatever makes you feel better.