Monday, October 10, 2011

RE Appt

For everyone not familiar with an RE, it stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist and if you have an annovulatory disorder such as PCOS you go to an RE rather than a gynecologist to get pregnant. Some gynos dabble in the world of infertility and think they can help PCOSers by handing them Clomid, but truth be told if you've been diagnosed with an infertility disorder, find an RE, they are so much better at this shit than gynos.

Anyway, we had our first appt with our RE since the miscarriage. Normally I'm a big fan of my RE, he might pressure us with IUI's sometimes but he does awesome things like lower my Clomid dosage rather than keep it the same or up it when I know a lot of other Dr.'s would have continued letting me stay on 50 mg of Clomid to pop out more eggs and thus theoretically have more chances of a pregnancy BUT all of that increases your chances of MULTIPLES as well, which I think most people will agree with me...multiples are not the desired result. So, like I said, normally I'm a big fan.

But today, today I'm not a big fan.

Let me remind you of the time frame. Miscarriage 2 weeks ago from Saturday, death of my Grandmother, 1 week ago from Saturday. Both happened really recently and both happened really close together. So, is it any surprise that I still get a bit choked up when I have to recount the story of my miscarriage AGAIN doc? But instead of consoling me and saying it will be OK, he tells me I need therapy.

Really? You're gonna go there doc?

I do not have an issue with someone suggesting therapy. I have an issue with the fact that it's only been 2 weeks and he's suggesting therapy. I feel like I'm handling the situation OK even though I do have a tendency to cry in any and all Dr.'s offices, but I'm dealing. I don't feel overly depressed...and it's only been 2 weeks!

If in 2 months I am still getting choked up at the thought of describing the miscarriage then yes, maybe it's time to seek help, but 2 weeks? really?

Anyway, in a nutshell I'm waiting for my period, which I already knew, but since I don't ovulate and thus don't always get a period the cut off point is going to be 2 months. So if in 2 months time Aunt Flo has still not arrived then we will stimulate her arrival.

But here's the kicker (and again why I like my RE even if I am anxious to start over), no Clomid for that cycle. I have to wait another cycle and THEN we can start over. So, it looks like beginning of 2012 before there's any babymaking action over here in our neck of the woods. We will continue trying on our own, everyone who is telling me to go on BCP to regulate my hormones can kiss my ass, and we will hope for a natural ovulation/pregnancy in the meantime.

I am both happy and upset by this news.

Happy because I have an RE who is not too aggressive and pressuring anything on us. He suggested BCP's for me, but when I said no he did not push the issue and offered alternatives.

But I'm upset because I'm so fucking sick of waiting.

Everything is waiting.

Waiting for a period. Waiting for ovulation. Waiting to pee on a stick. Waiting to take a blood test. Waiting to get through the first trimester. Waiting for a miscarriage to finish. Waiting for a period again.




Too much waiting.

So without further ado, just as soon as I accept that my blog is going to sometimes be about infertility, the infertility is put on hold...and we wait.


  1. I am soo sorry that you have to wait!! I hate waiting to... and that is where I am at ;(

    Feel free to email me at

  2. Jessica,

    Saw your comment on my blog and started to read some of yours. First off, I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. ::hug:: lots of hugs being sent. It's absolutely the worst feeling in the world and there is nothing I can say to help, other than to let you know I'm hear if you need to talk. Not that I'd be much help, since you admit you'd think of talking to someone after 2 months, and I'm already 3 months post and still crying, but thinking I'm fine. That's a whole other story. But I do know that after 2 weeks it's totally normal to still be crying, especially at doctors offices. Those are the worst. Anyways, I also have PCOS so I know how you feel with that. I'm glad your RE is good with the medications, but sorry to hear about his insensitivity. I wish this wasn't true, but I'm finding more and more doctors who are insensitive. I won't even tell you how many times I had to repeat my story. Read my goddamn chart and stop asking me!!!! And yes, the waiting does suck. Have you tried a new hobby? I just started running and I'm finding it semi-helpful to have something to do each day, some small goal to help me have a reason to get up each morning. I find that running is a great release and love the fact that for at least those 35 minutes I won't be crying. It's something, and I hope you can find something that helps you with the waiting ::hug::

  3. I'm so glad that you have a doctor that listens to you. I agree that it's only been 2 weeks, and you're allowed to be sad. It is a very sad thing and not something to just take lightly. I am sorry that you have to wait though. I can't imagine that kind of waiting, although I'm kind of waiting, too. I just see them differently I guess. Praying for you!

  4. Hi hon! Love the new blog makeover! I liked the old one too, but I like change. :)

    I can't pretend that I can completely understand what you're going through because I can't. But you know a little about what we went through to get Bubba. I was so frustrated because I couldn't understand why these 15 y/o kids were able to have babies so easily and I couldn't.

    Just know that we're all praying for you. :)

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. I am a new reader and wanted to reach out. I also in the post-loss waiting room. I feel like I am just sitting on my hands waiting to start trying again as my body prepares. I live on the Peninsula and miss the East Coast too, esp. in the FALL! (I grew up in Boston).

  6. Totally and absolutely normal to be still sad!!!! I found therapy helpful for me at that stage, but I had been seeing someone anyway- I think it's fair enough to be sad and it doesn't show there is a problem.
    I'm so sorry there is more waiting to come. It really sucks :"(

  7. hey, lady - i just typed a long message to you about how i went to counseling after my ectopic. about how my doc suggested it the day of the termination and how i called and had to wait 4 weeks for an appt. how, by the time the appt rolled around, i had started the healing process and was totally ready to talk to a counselor.

    then i tried to post and the comment got lost.

    so this is short: hubby and i did some marriage counseling back in 2008. our counselor - who we LOVED - moved to san fran. her name is merry wingfield. you won't feel like you're in therapy when you go to her. she is very "hippie" and unusual, not stuffy. if you can't find her online, let me know and i'll get you her email address. if you want, tell her an old patient of hers from portland (steph) recommended her. or just make an appointment without mentioning me.

    take care of yourself. thinking of you.

  8. Two weeks isn't that long. You have a right to mourn two weeks later when you're explaining the situation - AGAIN. Also, I have to agree with you on no BCP. My friends (the 5 rounds of failed invitro) are (fingers crossed) finally pregnant (way too early still to get too excited though, or maybe I'm just overly cautious) and she thinks it's because her old doc kept her on BCP to regulate her and the new doc took her off of them. Stick to you guns. And hang in there! XOXO

  9. 2 weeks isnt that long.. you are allowed to be upset and emotional. Heck I still get emotional some days and also when people bring it up and ask how I am going etc and its been 3 months for me. Its hard and makes me so angry at times why we have to go through this! Im glad your RE was nice and not to pressuring.. but I have to agree.. I hate waiting as well!!

    Thinking of you and love the new blog look! x

  10. I am new follower to your blog!! I am so sorry for your loss. Sorry to hear you had a bad experience with your RE. I had an awful experience just about a month ago. Its nice that your RE was not pressuring you. Hang in there! I look forward to following your journey.

  11. Seriously, after only 2 weeks you're allowed to still cry. Even after 2 months you're still allowed to cry about it. I think we're criers, that's how we cope...grandma cried, Mary and Sara cry, it's a barnes thing... I can now tell Sadie's birth story without crying, but it's not easy, and it may never be. When you lose a child it's a BIG DEAL, men don't understand. Go ahead and cry about it for as long as you need to.