Expect the Unexpected

This post is going to be about my period, totally TMI for those of my readers who are not interested in my infertility posts, just a warning.

Also I just have to mention it's 5:30 in the morning, jetlag sucks.

It has been 4 weeks and 3 days since the miscarriage and guess who decided to show up.

Aunt Flo.

The dirty elusive bitch has shown her face early.

And I couldn't be more pleased.

I did not ovulate. My temp chart is erratic and there's absolutely NO sign of ovulation whatsoever.

But it does not matter.

Because now I only have to wait 1 month before we can start a medicated cycle...if we so choose.

I can also opt to wait for the new year, which might still be the plan, I just like the fact that I have options again and I'm not just WAITING.

Everything I read said I should expect my period in the 6-8 week range after a miscarriage and my RE said at 8 weeks he would stimulate a period for me if it hadn't show up. And we all know how I loathe stimulating anything and really wanted to wait for my dear Auntie to show up on her own.

So, to say I wasn't expecting Aunt Flo for another month at the BARE MINIMUM is an understatement. To be honest I wasn't expecting her to show up at all. I was expected another 105 day cycle.

But here she is, unexpected but not unwelcome.

Good body. For once it's doing what it's supposed too.

Well, other than the not ovulating part.

Baby steps people. Baby steps.

Pun intended.

We're Off!

Well, we're off.

If you need me I will be here:

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And then here:

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Here for a moment:

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And then here:

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And then back here again:

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I will try to pop into blogland from time to time while we're away, but we all know how that goes when we're on vacation, oh wait excuse me let me switch into British mode now, when we're on HOLIDAY =)

See you all in 2 weeks!

Paleo Baking

I've mentioned before that I generally stick to a paleo-friendly diet. Not only is it a fantastic way to stay skinny without going to the gym, but it's also very PCOS friendly in that it keeps your glucose levels from spiking, thus supposedly helping the little ol' ovaries from reacting to too much glucose and producing too many follicles and clogging them up and preventing actual ovulation.

Not that sticking to this diet has helped me ovulate AT ALL, but whatevs, I actually believe it's a healthier way to eat REGARDLESS.

So whether I have PCOS or not, which I am STILL on the fence about, I find it helpful to stick to a paleo diet in my day to day life...most importantly when I am the one cooking. Eating out is a whole other ballgame in which all diet restrictions go out the window, thus we only eat out on the weekends!

That being said it's been hard to find ways to incorporate fall flavors like PUMPKIN into anything besides baking.

And baking paleo-style is a bit of a...challenge.

Luckily I stumbled upon this blog and I've spent the better part of a day baking my face off.

First up I made these lovely pumpkin bars, which are sweet, moist and just plain delicious. Especially for being carb free, gluten free, sugar free, wheat free etc!

Pumpkin Bars

½ cup pumpkin (acorn, butternut or other squash) puree

½ cup agave nectar

2 eggs

1 cup blanched almond flour

¼ teaspoon celtic sea salt

½ teaspoon baking soda

¼ teaspoon cinnamon

¼ teaspoon nutmeg

¼ teaspoon cloves

1. In a food processor, combine pumpkin, agave and eggs and pulse for 2 minutes
   
2. Pulse dry ingredients into wet for a full minute, until well combined
3. Pour batter into a greased 8x8 inch Pyrex baking dish
   
4. Bake at 350° for 30-35 minutes
5. Serve

I don't own a food processor, so I just mixed it all by hand and since the flour is actually almond flour it doesn't really matter if it's a bit clumpy, it tastes delicious even if it's chunky because it's almonds...not flour, flour chunks are gross.

Anyway, I also threw in some chocolate chips because my husband is a chocolate fan and doesn't really think a dessert is a dessert without chocolate. My chips were 70% cocoa which means I had THE TINIEST BIT OF SUGAR IN THIS DESSERT but that was my own doing and was unnecessary. Either way, DELISH!

I also decided to make pumpkin bread, again using Elana's Pantry recipe:

Paleo Pumpkin Bread

• 1 cup blanched almond flour
• ¼ teaspoon celtic sea salt
  
• ½ teaspoon baking soda
• 1 tablespoon cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon nutmeg
• ½ teaspoon cloves
• ½ cup roasted pumpkin (I used canned)
• 2 tablespoons honey
• ¼ teaspoon stevia
• 3 eggs

1. In a food processor
   
   combine almond flour, salt, baking soda and spices
2. Add pumpkin, honey, stevia and eggs and pulse for 2 minutes
3. Scoop batter into a petite loaf pan
   
4. Bake at 350° for 35-45 minutes
5. Cool for 1 hour
6. Serve

I didn't use the Stevia, because I don't like Stevia and again, turned out DELISH! It's sweet and cinnamony and YUMMY.

I was actually quite proud of myself that these both turned out. In the past my paleo baking has been a bit...meh. I tried using regular recipes and just substituting regular ingredients with paleo friendly ingredients and let me tell you...that doesn't work. And since I don't have the skill or the inclination to make up recipes that DO work myself I am beyond pleased to have found Elana's Pantry because then she can do all the hard work and I can just bake and enjoy!

Wow...This is Hard

A good IRL friend of mine was pregnant at the same time as me.

She was due exactly 1 week before me.

It was quite fun those first few weeks when most of the world didn't know we were pregnant and we could chat about symptoms, fitting into pants, napping etc.

Then I lost my baby.

And now I'm not pregnant.

But she still is.

I emailed her right after the miscarriage but haven't spoken to her since.

And now, today, her husband posted on Facebook, evil evil Facebook, that he got to feel the baby kick.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

Everyone else who I knew that was pregnant with me was much farther along and already feeling the baby kick when I was only 11 weeks pregnant or so.

But she, she was at the same place as me.

And now she's feeling her baby kick, and her husband is feeling their baby kick.

And me, I have no baby to feel kick.

No baby for my husband to feel kick.

Wow...I was doing so well but this just got harder.

Chinese Herbs

At some point along this road you realize you will try just about anything to bring on ovulation/have a baby. I am not talking about medically, no I'm talking about all the crazy eastern and alternative shit that have no statistics to back up what your acupuncturist/midwife/naturopath tells you.

At some point you decide acupuncture is the answer. Or chinese herbs are the answer. Or that yoga is the answer. Or that your diet is the answer.

To refresh your memories I already went this route, I spent about 6 months last year denying the fact that I wasn't ovulating and trying desperately to avoid taking drugs to get pregnant and sought help from a naturopath who put me on herbs and gave me some diet tips for PCOS and suggested an acupuncturist, all to no avail as I had 1 period in the entire time I was with the naturopath.

I'm not saying it doesn't work...but it sure as hell didn't work for me then at that time.

And THEN I decided fine, I give up, give me the damn Clomid and BAMN I was pregnant.

But one miscarriage later and right now I'm not allowed another medicated cycle until January, so rather than sit around doing NOTHING I'm being proactive and decided that the ANSWER TO ALL is to find an acupuncturist. Along with acupuncture I'm taking some Chinese herbs WHICH IS ALSO CLEARLY PART OF THE ANSWER which my acupuncturist insisted she'd had lots of luck with for other clients to stimulate a period. The sooner I can get a period the sooner I'm allowed a medicated cycle.

I'm on the fence with the whole Chinese herb/acupuncture regiment and how well it actually improved one's fertility, but seriously, I'll do anything that COULD be helpful right now rather than just wait it out.

A word on Chinese herbs...Chinese herbs taste like shit.

I repeat. Chinese herbs. Taste. Like. Shit.

Truly disgusting, and yet someone tells me that they will help me get a period and I'm like YIPPEE, GIMME GIMME GIMME! I TOTALLY BELIEVE YOU! I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY ACUPUNCTURE LADY THAT I'VE ONLY MET ONCE!

Infertility messes with your head. Makes you a little nutty.

Since I know I have some new followers who are part of the infertility club, please tell me, what's the nuttiest thing you've done in an effort to conceive???

UK Bound

This Sunday we're off for our annual trip to the UK. Since my husband is British and thus my in-laws we try to make it out to the UK at least once a year. This year our trip includes a wedding in Bath as well as some family time.

Our trips usually consist of London and Bath, the fam is in London and Bath being where we were married and where Dom went to University and thus a special place in the UK for us both.

Rarely do we manage anything beyond these two places.

But this time, this time we're off to Liverpool!

The hubs daddy's side of the fam is Liverpudlian and thus a plethora of family members still live in Liverpool and after 2 years of marriage and a fair amount of time spent in the UK I have yet to see Liverpool.

We are also going to make time to do a few things that I have always wanted to do but just have't made time for during our previous trips.

1. The British Museum. Famous museums of the world include the Met, Louvre, Smithsonian, Cairo Museum and The British Museum, yes? I have been to 3 out of 5 and since I've never been to Washington DC to see the Smithsonian it's ok that I haven't been there, but the British Museum is in London, I'm in London every year, I MUST go to the British museum!

2. Kensington Palace - My mother-in-law lives pretty much right next door to the palace, which is where we stay EVERY time we're in London and I have yet to do more than walk through the gardens outside the palace on my way elsewhere. Princess Di lived here when Princes William and Harry were young and it was her official residence up until her death. It is also, according to Wikipedia anyway, the official residence of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

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3. I need to do some Tudor sightseeing. I've been to the Tower of London several times, LOVE btw, but that's the extent of my Tudorness that I've taken the time to experience. I'm thinking since we're driving to Liverpool and thus have a car I gotta include a Tudor castle or something into the itinerary. I have a few contenders on the list so far.

Hever Castle - This is Anne Boleyn's childhood home and you know how I love me some Anne Boleyn. And bonus...it's only 30 miles outside of London.

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Hampton Court Palace - Henry VIII's longed for son Edward VI was born here, his third wife Jane Seymour died here and Henry's ill-fated fifth wife, Catherine Howard's ghost is said to haunt here. I love haunted anything. Also, it is again super close to London.

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Thornbury Castle - Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII spent a week here soon after they were married. This castle is a hotel and apparently you can stay in the actual room that Henry and Anne stayed in during their visit. COOL. Another bonus for Thornbury is that it is part of the Von Essen Hotels, which "our" hotel Ston Easton (where we were married) is also part of the Von Essen Hotels. This castle is close enough to Bath/Bristol that we can hit it on the way up to Liverpool.

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Berkeley Castle - Another castle that Henry and Anne stayed at during their very brief 3 years of marriage. Also Berkeley Castle was the where Edward II was imprisoned and murdered. Not Tudor in any event, but I like famous murder houses as well as haunted ones! This castle is also on the way from Bath up to Liverpool.

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Assume I've done the other touristy things that you come to mind when you think of England/London, ie. Westminster Abbey, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, Piccadilly, Stonehenge etc. Anyone have anything fabulous in England that I should include in my itinerary? Some Liverpool Beatles fantasticness maybe?

October 15th

This never would have mattered to me before thus I had no idea it even existed.

But this year, just 3 weeks post miscarriage, this is hitting really close to home.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.

And today, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

If you know someone who has experienced a loss, take the time to let them know that they're in your thoughts today.

And please pop by this blog, she just lost both her twins at 20 weeks.

Much love to all the mamas out there who never got to hold their babies or held them for much too short a time.

In Loving Memory

After much deliberation, much confusion and much indecisiveness, it has finally been decided that the memorial service for my grandma is tomorrow.

Back up to Oregon we go.

Feel free to drop by and leave a little note for my grandpa here if you happen to know me IRL.

Booktastic:The Hunger Games Trilogy

I think it's time for a little Booktastic action, don't you?

It's been awhile since I reviewed a book, even though I've read like a million since my last Booktastic review.

Whatever, life has been a little...shitty lately.

But I have read a few good books recently and want to get the word out there.

So, here goes.

From goodreads.com

Book #1 The Hunger Games:

In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. The Capitol is harsh and cruel and keeps the districts in line by forcing them all to send one boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen to participate in the annual Hunger Games, a fight to the death on live TV.

Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, who lives alone with her mother and younger sister, regards it as a death sentence when she steps forward to take her sister's place in the Games. But Katniss has been close to dead before—and survival, for her, is second nature. Without really meaning to, she becomes a contender. But if she is to win, she will have to start making choices that will weigh survival against humanity and life against love.

I'm not going to put the synopsis for the other 2 books because they give away the ending of the first book.

My review:

As with many trilogies the first book is the best, but the trilogy as a whole is worth the read. All 3 of these I couldn't put down and I flew threw them, each only taking only 2 or 3 days to finish. My husband read them as well and also found that he read them really quickly and he tends to take his time with books where as I plow through them.

I had a very perverse fascination with the premise of this book, which is a game to the death watched on live TV where the contestants are children. It's a rather horrifying premise but makes for a fascinating read.

I highly recommend the trilogy.

RE Appt

For everyone not familiar with an RE, it stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist and if you have an annovulatory disorder such as PCOS you go to an RE rather than a gynecologist to get pregnant. Some gynos dabble in the world of infertility and think they can help PCOSers by handing them Clomid, but truth be told if you've been diagnosed with an infertility disorder, find an RE, they are so much better at this shit than gynos.

Anyway, we had our first appt with our RE since the miscarriage. Normally I'm a big fan of my RE, he might pressure us with IUI's sometimes but he does awesome things like lower my Clomid dosage rather than keep it the same or up it when I know a lot of other Dr.'s would have continued letting me stay on 50 mg of Clomid to pop out more eggs and thus theoretically have more chances of a pregnancy BUT all of that increases your chances of MULTIPLES as well, which I think most people will agree with me...multiples are not the desired result. So, like I said, normally I'm a big fan.

But today, today I'm not a big fan.

Let me remind you of the time frame. Miscarriage 2 weeks ago from Saturday, death of my Grandmother, 1 week ago from Saturday. Both happened really recently and both happened really close together. So, is it any surprise that I still get a bit choked up when I have to recount the story of my miscarriage AGAIN doc? But instead of consoling me and saying it will be OK, he tells me I need therapy.

Really? You're gonna go there doc?

I do not have an issue with someone suggesting therapy. I have an issue with the fact that it's only been 2 weeks and he's suggesting therapy. I feel like I'm handling the situation OK even though I do have a tendency to cry in any and all Dr.'s offices, but I'm dealing. I don't feel overly depressed...and it's only been 2 weeks!

If in 2 months I am still getting choked up at the thought of describing the miscarriage then yes, maybe it's time to seek help, but 2 weeks? really?

Anyway, in a nutshell I'm waiting for my period, which I already knew, but since I don't ovulate and thus don't always get a period the cut off point is going to be 2 months. So if in 2 months time Aunt Flo has still not arrived then we will stimulate her arrival.

But here's the kicker (and again why I like my RE even if I am anxious to start over), no Clomid for that cycle. I have to wait another cycle and THEN we can start over. So, it looks like beginning of 2012 before there's any babymaking action over here in our neck of the woods. We will continue trying on our own, everyone who is telling me to go on BCP to regulate my hormones can kiss my ass, and we will hope for a natural ovulation/pregnancy in the meantime.

I am both happy and upset by this news.

Happy because I have an RE who is not too aggressive and pressuring anything on us. He suggested BCP's for me, but when I said no he did not push the issue and offered alternatives.

But I'm upset because I'm so fucking sick of waiting.

Everything is waiting.

Waiting for a period. Waiting for ovulation. Waiting to pee on a stick. Waiting to take a blood test. Waiting to get through the first trimester. Waiting for a miscarriage to finish. Waiting for a period again.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Too much waiting.

So without further ado, just as soon as I accept that my blog is going to sometimes be about infertility, the infertility is put on hold...and we wait.

Changes

I never wanted my blog to be about infertility.

I turn to infertility blogs often when I'm feeling particularly...infertile. But I had no plans to join the ranks of the infertile bloggers.

I, in fact, consciously avoided blogging about infertility until I was pregnant and mistakenly thought I was no longer a member of the infertility club.

But somehow it seems to have happened anyway.

So, I made some changes to the blog over the weekend.

I added an Oz page.

I added a Book Review page.

I added a TTC page.

I'm going to try to maintain my blog as sort of half general life stuff and half infertility (and of course someday PREGNANCY hopefully).

When times are particularly difficult, ie. in the midst of a miscarriage, I find my blog to be particularly helpful as a source of comfort as well as an outlet, but I am conscience of the fact that many of my followers/readers don't necessarily care about infertility and I don't want to alienate anyone or lose readers. So, we'll see how this new blogging strategy turns out.

What does everyone think of the new changes?

Under Construction

I feel like my blog posts have changed a lot these days, so I thought I would change the whole blog around to represent the change.

Hopefully by Monday this will all be figured out.

But in the meantime the blog is under construction.

See you all on the flip side!

Accent Nails

Some days it helps to come here to my blog and let it all out.

During the miscarriage especially it really helped to be able to write down all the thoughts that were swirling around in my head.

But some days I'd rather not think about it because it brings up all the emotions that I'm trying to suppress.

So today we're writing about NAILS!

Specifically the accent nail trend that seems to be all over the place these days.

Do you know about the accent nail?

It looks something like this:

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Four nails one color, one nail another. You can do either a contrasting color or a color in the same family but a different hue.

At first I was very hesitant to give this trend a go because it reminded me too much of what we all used to do as little girls, paint each nail a different color or do alternating colors on each nail.

But yesterday I decided what the hell.

And now I'm all over this nail trend.

I opted for same color family, different hue rather than do the contrasting but next time I am totally doing the contrasting!

I used these 2 colors:

Who's Spinning Tonight Sephora by OPI and Siberian Nights by OPI

They are both in the purple color family but Siberian Nights looks black with the lighter purple next to it.

Next time I'm thinking pink with a blue sparkle accent. Much more adventurous!

Anyone else loving the nail accent trend?

Goodbye Depression, Hello Boots

I'm sure it comes as no surprise for me to say that I've been walking around in a daze these last few weeks.

I've been going through the motions but have been putting little more than that into each day.

Perhaps my acupuncture session did what it was supposed to.

Perhaps I'm just tired of being tired.

But today...today I feel like shopping.

Specifically boot shopping.

And do you know what shopping means?

It means that the veil of depression is finally lifting.

I still cry...every day...at least once.

But it's getting better.

Every day. Just a little bit better.

And of course not hating everything in your wardrobe also helps to not feel like shit.

I may or may not already have 7 pairs of boots in my closet, but I find improving my mood vastly outweighs the absurdity of too many pairs of boots.

So, fall boots here I come!

All boots from Zappos

Getting Right Back in the Saddle

I read too many infertility blogs.

All the sad stories that are running rampant in blogland about infertility rarely brighten my spirits.

They make me sad.

Sad that women have recurrent miscarriages, sad that IVF doesn't always work, sad that sometimes you really don't get a baby in the end.

And I know my own story isn't THAT sad YET.

But is this just the beginning?

Is that damn TTC Timeline on the right side of this page just going to keep getting longer and longer?

Obviously I don't know the answer to these questions. And I try not to worry constantly about it. But I do, I worry about it.

As I read all these infertility blogs it seems that women have 2 reactions after a miscarriage:

1. Start trying again ASAP, get right back in the saddle.

or

2. Take a voluntary break from it all to prepare for the rest of the journey emotionally.

I apparently fall in to #1. I'm ready to start over. I NEED to start over.

They like to tell you at the Dr.'s office that you CAN get pregnant as soon as 2 weeks after a miscarriage but that they suggest you wait at least 1 full cycle to really start trying again.

This is just more bullshit.

At least for me. And I suspect for many many many others.

For one thing there is no "normal" cycle for me. I don't do normal. There's nothing normal about any of my cycles.

For two if your body has ovulated again then YOUR BODY IS READY to become pregnant again.

Seriously.

That's what ovulation is.

Your body ready for a pregnancy.

It doesn't willie nillie throw out eggs and hope to NOT become pregnant.

No, your body is trying to become pregnant with each and every egg it releases.

And if it's not ready, THEN IT WON'T OVULATE.

No I wouldn't suggest a stimulated cycle 2 weeks after a miscarriage, but if your body is like hey! let's ovulate then I believe you're good to go.

So, please Dr.'s don't tell me that we should be "careful" until a full calendar month has gone by, there is no way in hell I'm going to willingly prevent any possibility of a pregnancy...ever. Because if by some magic twist of fate we become pregnant on our own during this month before we're supposed to start "trying" again you can bet your ass my body is ready for it.

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT WILL INCREASE MY CHANCES OF ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE.

Again I call bullshit. And why do Dr's like to say stuff to freak you out?

So here we are. 2 weeks out from the miscarriage, my temps are back to pre-pregnancy temps, bleeding has stopped and we have an RE appt next week to chat about how long I have to wait for my period before we all give up on her and stimulate her with meds.

I've never had a stimulated period before.

I don't want to have a stimulated period.

So maybe, just maybe my period will be nice to me and show up at a respectable time say in the next 2-4 weeks so that we can get back in the saddle.

Or, too much to hope for, but maybe I could say OVULATE before I get a period.

But I've had a 105 day cycle before...so I'm not holding out hope. And I'm really not very good at ovulating.

All things considered, I am still grief-stricken, but rather than do nothing I think doing something will help me along...even if something is starting all over.

On the Bright Side

As I wallow around in my grief I decided to make a list of things that sucked about being pregnant so that I can feel better about not being pregnant anymore...even though we are of course still actively trying to become pregnant, these are all the things that I am not allowed to whine about when and if I get pregnant again but that I am feeling free to whine about now.

1. I can drink all the damn coffee I want. When I was pregnant I stuck to the one cup a day in the morning, but struggled with my guilt if I dared have another during the day. No more guilt, bring on the coffee.

2. Wine. Wine. and more Wine. I rarely go out and party my face off these days, but a glass of wine (or two) with dinner is one of life's little pleasures and I was sorely missing wine in the few months that I was pregnant. I may have been overindulging a bit to make up for the wine I didn't drink in those months, but come on, I'm grieving here.

3. Drugs for headaches. Drugs for colds. Drugs to help you sleep. Drugs for general feeling like shit. You're not allowed to take anything except Tylenol when you're pregnant. Now ibuprofen, Nyquil and Codeine are all back on the table. Yay for drugs.

4. Food on the rare side of things. Ugh, so many pregnant rules. To be honest I didn't heed this one very well and continued to eat all my meat somewhere in the medium-rare range...but now I don't feel guilty about it anymore. And sushi! I can eat sushi again!

5. My boobs. Yes they grew and apparently I get to keep the new boobs in size Large but the whole time I was pregnant they hurt and the colostrum thing was FREAKING ME OUT. So, yes, happy to have my boobs back to myself and not constantly thinking of them as future baby feeders.

Unfortunately I would give all this up and more in a second just for the chance to be and STAY pregnant again. I would even accept morning sickness, hemorrhoids and any other terrible pregnancy symptom you can throw at me.

Shit, I'm depressed again. The list was totally working and I just ruined it.

What are some other FANTASTIC things about NOT being pregnant ladies?

Sad

While I may be getting dressed every morning.

And showering.

And brushing my hair.

And cooking meals.

These days I'm just...sad.

Very, very sad.

My grandmother passed on Saturday.

I passed the baby the Saturday before.

And the Saturday before that was beginning of the miscarriage.

I'm not enjoying my weekends as of late.

There's a part of me that knows I should just take it easy and let myself grieve for a little while.

But another part of me is so. sick. of crying.

I have cried at least once every day since September 17.

That's a lot of crying.

And I'm worn out.

I'm pondering whether or not to get a gym membership because maybe getting out of the house and getting my endorphins going might make me feel better.

But since I have no appetite lately I'm a little nervous to add exercise into the routine. I don't want to lose a bunch of weight again. I fit comfortably into all of my clothes and as much as it sucks to grow too fat for your clothes it sucks going the other direction too. Nothing makes you feel uglier than having a whole wardrobe of ill-fitting clothing, be it too small or too big.

I'm starting acupuncture again tomorrow to try to get my hormones back on track after the pregnancy. I don't know how much I believe in acupuncture per se, but it's an hour of complete relaxation in which I spend my time not thinking about how much life sucks because I'm busy trying to count down the minutes until the needles come out.

I know that doesn't sound relaxing, but there's no clock and no way to look at a watch, so if someone says I'll be back in 20 minutes, how else are you going to know when 20 minutes has gone by?

Without fail I fall asleep long before I get close to 20 minutes.

Relaxing I swear.

And I figure it can't hurt at this point. I don't think anything can hurt at this point.