On Dasher and Dancer...

I guess I have a thing for reindeers.

I picked up this little cutie a few years ago from Crate and Barrel and he stays out all year round.

He guards the wine.

I never knew he needed a friend.

But for the love of Pottery Barn, look at all the cute reindeers they have this year!

Reiny* will soon have a friend, perhaps 2 or 3.

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* in honor of my niece who names her stuffed animals after what they are ie. her poodle named poodie and her turtle name turty, i've named my reindeer Reiny.

I Ovulated and All I Can Think About is Indian Food

Yeah...really.

Remember that post where I thought I ovulated?

Well I didn't.

At least not THEN.

But NOW I'm on Day 6 of high temps and it perfectly coincides with the EWCM.

Yep, I think I did it.

I ovulated.  On my own.

And all I can think about is eating Indian food.

I'm not banking on a pregnancy this cycle, but things were well timed and I guess for like the first time EVER we have a CHANCE of getting pregnant on our own.

And all I have been able to think about for 6 days...is Indian Food.

Ever meal that I make I'm like, can we just put this in the fridge and go have Indian?

I've succeeded only twice in making this request become a reality.

But it's not enough.

Must. Have. Indian.

I'm not chalking my Indian food craving up to an early pregnancy symptom (wouldn't that be like the weirdest symptom ever?) and I refuse to list other symptoms that I may or may not have that could or could not be symptoms because THIS GIRL IS STAYING OFF THE CRAZY TRAIN.  

I hop on the damn train every time it comes around but this time this bitch is staying off!

Maybe this is just what happens when I ovulate.  Maybe every month if I ovulated like a normal person I would crave Indian.  Who knows?  We're in new territory here.  In over a year I have not ovulated even once without the help of Clomid and even then I only had 2 cycles to go on, one of which resulted in a pregnancy.  

So, really and truly THIS IS BRAND NEW TERRITORY.

And here is my conclusion: Ovulation = Indian Food Cravings.

Now please excuse me while I go convince my husband that tonight is Indian Food Night.

Liverpool

I just realized that I got halfway through telling you about my UK trip...and then I just stopped.

That's because I get bored writing about trips and I also get bored reading about other people's trips.  

Sorry, but it's true!  Thus I assume that no one REALLY wants to read about my trips, but just in case they do...

Here's Liverpool.

In pictures.

Because who wants to read about it when you can look at pictures?

 A Cathedral

 The Caverns District...otherwise known as Beatletasticlandia.

Where the Beatles used to play before they were famous, used to be a music venue, now it's a cafe.

 Does this need an explanation?  If it does...it's Penny Lane.

And then, just for shits and giggles, we drove back to London and stopped in Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare's hometown.

 This is where Shakespeare is buried.

And this is a teeny tiny door to the church where Shakespeare is buried.

Yeah, titillating...I know.

And on to Christmas

Thanksgiving is over.

Bring on Christmas.

I am so ready for 2012 I would skip Christmas all together if it would bring about the end of 2011 just a day sooner.

But since it won't, I AM ALL OVER CHRISTMAS.

Cards are written, addressed and stamped.

Presents have been bought.

Decorations are up.

Tree is...ok we don't have a tree yet...but soon, very soon we will have a tree.

I even sent out present ideas for myself and my husband to my family.

I AM SO ON TOP OF IT THIS YEAR.

Come on Christmas, I AM READY FOR YOU!

Generally speaking I'm not really a do it ahead of time kind of girl.  I'm more of a procrastinate until the last possible second kind of girl.

Or even a shit I forgot to buy you a present I'll get it to you later kind of girl.

Or damnit it's Christmas tomorrow and we don't have a tree up kind of girl.

And the husband, well he's the same.  Procrastinator to the end.

But not this year, this year is different.  This year I am ahead of schedule.  I am ready.

READY FOR THE END OF THE YEAR.

And since Christmas brings us one step closer to 2012, let's do this thing!

10 Reasons I'm Thankful to NOT have kids

It's Thanksgiving tomorrow and in honor of all of us in the pit of despair that IS infertility I've decided to make a list of all the reasons I am thankful that we do NOT have children...yet.

And please god let this be the last Thanksgiving that I have to find reasons to be thankful NOT to have children and next year I can be thankful for reasons I DO have children.

Here goes.

1. We can drink our faces off and we don't have to get up in the morning until WE want to.  Being hungover and being responsible for a little one sounds like a little slice of hell.
2. If it's 2pm on Tuesday and I feel like taking a nap, I can take a nap.
3. I don't have to take a stroller to run errands.  I hate ladies with strollers on the sidewalk.  Yes, that's a little bit of the bitter infertile in me because I WANT to be a lady with a stroller but they are also really obnoxious and walk too slow, I am forever trying to pass stroller ladies.
4. Dinners out.  No scrambling to find a sitter, we just go.
5. If we suddenly decided we wanted to go to Jamaica next week then we can just up and go to Jamaica next week.  Except for the damn cats...
6. I can wear white without fear of a baby spitting up, throwing up, peeing or pooping on me.  That does not mean that my white stays white but at least it's a red wine stain and not someone else's bodily fluid.
7. Flying without a kid in tow.  Flying with kids has to suck.  I do not look at ladies with babies on the plane and think, Oh I wish that was me.  I think Oh thank god that's not me.
8. DAD, SHIELD YOUR EYES FOR THIS ONE OR ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE READING YOUR ADULT MARRIED DAUGHTERS BLOG ABOUT TRYING TO HAVE A BABY, spontaneous sex in places that are not the bedroom with the door shut.  Not that that happens much when you're trying to conceive because it's ALL ABOUT the timed sex and ideal positions for conception, so not spontaneous, but whatevs we still CAN...when it's not fertile time anyway.
9. I have no idea what the latest toy fad is.  I should have made that #1, that is my #1 reason to be thankful.  Fucking kids toys.
10. My boobs are still mine and I am not a feeding machine, a la cow style.

My fellow infertiles, anything to add??

Calendar Art

I call it calendar art because it's art...made from a calendar.

Deep, I know.

I've done this for years and it's one of my favorite ways to introduce one-of-a-kind art into my decor.

Sometimes they are from used calendars from years past and sometimes I buy calendars specifically to cut them up and frame them.

I'm kind of obsessed.

Italia

Vintage Pin Ups

Travel

I must admit this is not the cheapest way to buy artwork in that framing can be a bit spendy especially when you're doing 6 at once, but I LOVE how they turn out!

Anyone else ever turn their calendars into artwork?

Worst. Year. Ever.

Just when I thought 2011 couldn't get any worse, it's decided to throw some more shit at us.

I was at another funeral last week.

Someone who became like a second mother to my husband passed away from breast cancer.

She meant a lot to him and it's all I can do to keep from crying and be the strong one when I see his eyes glistening with tears as he speaks about her.

That was the 3rd that I was waiting for.  Because bad things come in threes.

Miscarriage. Grandma. Dom's American Mom.

I was hoping it was over.  That all the bad was over.

And then, unexpectedly, I got news that my friend, the one that was due just a week before me, lost her baby at 20 weeks.

There are no words.

I was jealous.  Jealous that she was still pregnant while I had lost mine.

I was dreading her due date almost as much as mine.

And now, now her baby is gone too.

And my heart aches.

After going through one yourself you can never hear the word miscarriage and not have a rush of emotions come back to you.  It's like living it all over again.

Those first few days of soul crushing, mind numbing grief as you mentally try to come to terms that you are no longer pregnant and there will be no baby.

I am no longer jealous, I am now thankful.

Thankful that if we had to lose our baby that we lost the baby at 12 weeks.

But my fear of pregnancy has increased by like a thousandfold.  There really is no time during a pregnancy when you can relax is there?

I've never been so ready to say goodbye to a year more than I am to 2011.

2012 can not get here fast enough.

Inability to Conceive vs. Miscarriage

I'm not feeling particularly sad today, I've just had this sitting in my draft folder for a week or two and wanted to post it before I no longer feel this way and never post it.  I wanted to document the processing of emotions after a miscarriage I guess.  

Everyone insists that after a miscarriage the fact that you were able to GET pregnant in the first place is a good thing and that you're very likely to be able to get pregnant again and unlikely to miscarry again.

Fair enough.

I believe the logic.

But a miscarriage is SO MUCH HARDER mentally than the inability to conceive in the first place.

One year of trying with no pregnancy was a much easier place to be in than 16 months of trying and 1 miscarriage.

I don't care about the ability to get pregnant being a good sign, I care about the fact that I WAS pregnant and now I'm not, with no baby to show for it.

If you've never been pregnant you will never be able to say oh my kid would be this age now. All you can say is that if we'd become pregnant when we wanted to we would of had a kid this age now. Small difference, but a huge huge difference mentally.

I never think if we had become pregnant when we wanted to we would have a 7 month old child now, that never actually enters my head...except now because I had to think about it to write it.

But we had a due date. So, forever there will be a theoretical birth date to the baby we lost.

Huge mind fuck.

When people get pregnant after you've lost yours you think oh my baby would be this many weeks older than theirs.

And then after all the babies are born you'll forever have the age of your own baby that you don't have ingrained on their happy growing little faces.

I did not have such a problem with pregnant people when we were struggling to conceive. I didn't like that people were getting pregnant all around me, but I was a little more indifferent to it than I am now.  I felt excluded from a group that I desperately wanted to be a part of.

But it was so much easier than getting to join the group for a few weeks and then getting KICKED OUT of the group.  So now not only am I feeling left out, I'm feeling rejected.

After having been a part of the TTC for over a year with no pregnancy club and now my newest membership in the miscarriage after a year of infertility club I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the miscarriage club is a harder one to be a member.

My heart aches desperately for all the women who are part of the recurrent miscarriage club and I am scared to death that that will be the next club I have to join.

Fucking pregnancy loss.  Hardest thing I've ever had to struggle through.

The Skinny on Skinny Jeans

I have thighs.

I think the correct term might be thunder thighs, but lets pretend it's not cause when you google thunder thighs you get some pretty horrendous photos.

So let's just stick with...I have thighs.

My legs do not go straight down from my hip to my ankle, there is a very distinct hump in the thigh area.

This is the one feature of my body that I would change if I could.

But I accept this. I know this. I will never have tiny toothpick legs.

And you know what? This means 2 things.

One, I don't have great thighs but I have a great ass.

and two, skinny jeans are not my friend.

Skinny jeans are made for people with skinny legs.

Skinny thighs specifically.

It's true.

No matter how much I try to deny it and no matter how many pairs of skinny jeans I buy, they will never look good on me.

But I love the skinny jean look.

LOVE.

WANT.

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And I also love to BUY skinny jeans.

I have millions of pairs in my closet.

When I'm shopping skinny jeans look fabulous on me in the dressing room.

Then I get home and put them on and my husband has to say "I thought you said leggings weren't pants".

Yeah, I did say that.

Shit.

Skinny jeans shouldn't look like leggings.

Straight leg jeans are my look, de-emphasizing the thighs and streamlining my legs.

I know this.

I have exactly one pair of straight leg pants and everytime I put them on I think to myself DAMN YOUR LEGS LOOK GOOD!

And yet I refuse to buy straight leg pants.

I think I'm secretly hoping that one day I'll put on a pair of my skinny jeans and MAGICALLY HAVE CUTE THIGHS.

Anyone else refuse to acknowledge a body flaw when shopping? Or is it just me?

Getting My Tudor On

I love all things Tudor.

Seriously.

Tudor England is my favorite time period in history.

Not only because of all the castles and kings and princesses and fairy tale shit.

But because real life history is so much more interesting than fairy tales sometimes.

Henry VIII married for love 4 times out of the 6 times that he was married. And those same 4 marriages were to English women. Kind of unheard of in times where royal marriages were all about political alliances and thus kings almost always married foreign princesses.

And even though he chopped off 2 out of those 4's heads, it is still SO ROMANTIC that he married them for love and not because it was beneficial to England.

So, in honor of my love for all things Tudor and most especially my love for Henry's ill-fated second wife Anne Boleyn we stopped off at some Tudor castles as we drove around the countryside.

First up:

Hever Castle - Anne Boleyn's childhood home.

Obnoxiously we were not allowed to take pictures inside the castle, BUMMER! But I must say, if you ever just happen to be in Kent, stop off at Hever Castle, it was well worth the 15 pounds and has an awesome maze/labyrinth out in the garden as well as just being uber cool to be in the same place as Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII once were.

Drawbridge over the moat into the castle and that's as far as we were allowed to photograph =(

Next up is Hampton Court Palace.

Henry's lavish 2nd palace he used as a residence after Whitehall.

My initial impression was...underwhelming.

I think I was expecting it to look like Versailles...and it didn't.

Much less extravagant, much smaller, just not as lavish as I was expecting.

That being said, it was still unbelievable and I'm so happy we took the time to visit.

Please disregard the craptastic nature of these photos as I stupidly left my camera in the car and was left with just the iphone to document the awesomeness of Hampton Court.

Much to my chagrin there was scaffolding everywhere, so this is the only bit of the outside I managed to capture that didn't have scaffolding covering it.

In this craptastic photo we have an H and an A entwined. After Henry had Anne beheaded he ordered these all to be removed but somehow one was missed. What? You can't see it? That's because it's an iphone photo...you'll have to just trust me that somewhere in that darkness is an H and A entwined.

Very famous portrait of Henry VIII.

The other wing of the palace that was designed for William and Mary, thus not Tudor and much more modern and...ornate if you will.

A fantastic photo of ourselves.

Verdict: Hever and Hampton Court Palace both get a big thumbs up from me!

Bursting the Happy Bubble

I was in a pretty good place.

A happy little bubble if you will.

I no longer thought about how far along in my pregnancy I would be.

I no longer thought about how many weeks since the miscarriage.

All was in the past.

And I was looking forward.

Forward to when I may or may not ovulate.

Forward to when it didn't matter anymore and I could try Clomid again.

Forward to when we were no longer in the worst year of my life and it was finally 2012.

Forward.

And then, with one text message, my happy little bubble has burst.

First pregnancy announcement post miscarriage.

She is 41 and he must be 45...ish.

And they've been married maybe a year.

I'm devastated.

Devastated because I'm not pregnant...still.

And devastated because I'm struggling to be happy for others.

I don't want to be this person. This person that instead of thinking oh yay, good for them. I think, wtf? really? even the over 40's can manage it easier than me? un-fucking-believable.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be this person.

But here I am.

Happy bubble burst.

And I have no idea what to do about it.

Conwy Castle

I love castles.

I find it sad that America missed out on the whole castle building era of history.

There's something romantic and awe-inspiring about them...even though their original purpose was as a military stronghold I prefer to think of them as romantic fairy tale residences. Not accurate but who cares?

My castle experience is limited. I have seen a few in Ireland and...well that's it, that's all I got. Though I have to mention I did stay one night at the fantabulous Ashford Castle in Ireland. Beautiful 13th century castle once owned by the infamous Guinness family.

Anyway, on to Britain.

Most impressive on my list was Wales, did you know that Wales has like millions of castles in various states of decomp? I did not.

But they do, they have like over a hundred still standing today...IMPRESSIVE.

We tried to stop by several but for one reason or another ie. raining, not open, etc. we really only had a chance to tour one properly.

But holy hell, I think we picked the best one.

Conwy castle, built by Edward I in the 13th century. The exterior of the castle is almost completely preserved as well as the walled city surrounding the remarkable castle. You can still walk to the top of any of the 8 towers of the castle as well as walk along the wall that protected this ancient city.

SO AMAZING THAT THIS THING IS STILL STANDING!

Stairs up to the wall walk. Taking a little stroll along the wall that guards the city. This wood is OLD, I felt like I was going to fall through it.

Small doors!

Wall walk.

This would have been the great hall, fireplace is at the end and a floor is missing which would have been just below the fireplace, where all the holes are along the wall would have been wood beams to support a floor.

Some of the wall that surrounds the city.

Prison Tower! So creepy, they just threw people down here and left them there...there's no way out.

This is Edward I's quarters, he would of had a gorgeous view!

Rest of the castle from the King's quarters.

Close up of fireplace.

A small bit of the town. Such a cute little place, it's like time stood still here!

Oldest house in Conwy, built circa 1300 and still standing!

LOVED visiting this castle. If you're ever in Wales make sure you visit Conwy or some of their other remarkable castles!

Is that an O?

Guys...I think I might have ovulated.

Please, hold your applause.

I took the opportunity these past two weeks to COMPLETELY IGNORE my body and everything that it was or was not doing.

I did not take my temperature.

I did not pee on anything.

I did not check for CM.

I didn't even know what CD I was on the WHOLE TIME.

I took my temperature once the day before we came home just for shits and giggles and it was just as low as it always is.

But 3 days home I've had 3 high temps in a row.

My chart is disgusting I know. But look at my high temps!

97.5 is usually my highest temp pre ovulation (with 2 ovulation cycles EVER I am totally an expert ;-) But 97.6 two days in a row and then a 98.2!

Only tomorrow will tell if the temps stay up. So, please no applause yet!

Anyway, since I have no idea when the temp spike actually happened and I just have a range I have no idea if we hit it this time, but whatevs, I'll take ovulating over not ovulating even with a BFN.

Watch I just jinxed it and tomorrow it will be like 96.8.

Have I confused all of non infertile followers yet? What? Doesn't everyone obsess over their temperature every morning???

Wales

For some reason that I have yet to understand the Welsh get a bad rap from the English.

They get made fun of, all in good fun of course, but are generally thought to be a bit backwards by the rest of the people in the UK.

I only know 3 Welsh so my experience is limited, but they are all lovely people...I don't get it.

But regardless of one's views on it's people I think most will agree that Wales has some of the most beautiful countryside in the whole of the United Kingdom.

I had never been to Wales before and since we were driving SO close to it to get from Bath to Liverpool we thought why the hell not dive over to the west and drive up through Wales.

So we did.

We started in Bath, drove north through the Brecon Beacons, stopped for one night in the middle of nowhere and the next day drove through Snowdonia before hitting up Liverpool.

My thoughts on Wales:

Beautiful, breathtaking scenery...but I wouldn't want to live there...and I wouldn't purposely make a trip to the UK just to see Wales.

What does everyone else who's visited Wales think of it?

And in other news I started my period 2 weeks ago which was good news but now I am STILL spotting.

Longest. Period. Ever.