I originally wrote this post on May 24, 2011, Cycle Day 13 of my first Clomid Cycle.
I don't know if it's the meds or the fact that I don't think I'm going to ovulate even with the meds.
But I'm feeling very depressed.
My left ovary hurts and I have yet to get a smiley face on an OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit).
I'm sick of peeing on sticks and never getting a smiley face.
It's depressing.
So is my temperature every morning.
It never goes up.
And I have no confidence that it ever will.
I fear I will be in that lowely 20 percent of people who don't ovulate with the magic of Clomid.
Guess I have months to find out.
That's depressing as well, having to do this all over again, and again.
Wrote today September 3, 2011.
I didn't realize it at the time but a big fear of mine was not that I wouldn't get pregnant on Clomid but that I would continue to not ovulate on Clomid, thus continuing to rob us of the opportunity to even try to get pregnant.
Once you get into the midst of infertility you start reading WAY too much on the internet whether it be PCOS websites or infertility blogs or statistics and you start to convince yourself that you're a hopeless case.
With my endless amounts of "research" I found that women with PCOS have a much lower instance of ovulating on Clomid than the 80% statistic they always give you for the general population.
I kept reading stories from women with PCOS who had been bumped from 50mg up to 100mg to 150mg and even up to 200mg and still didn't ovulate. I just KNEW this would be me too.
I'd spent a year changing EVERYTHING, diet, exercise, herbs, acupuncture and couldn't get my body to ovulate, I was convinced that Clomid would be no different.
This is what infertility does to you. It gets in your head and messes with you.
I was willing to give Clomid 4 months before I moved on to a different ovulation inducer called Femara (which is actually a cancer treatment as well, so weird these meds) and I was already not even through my first cycle and I was busy planning out the next 6 months of treatments.
I was that convinced it wouldn't work. Talk about pessimistic!
Fertility issues are a surefire way to turn even the biggest optimist into a puddle of pessimism really quickly. And I agree, the internet does nothing to help. It is as if the people who are willing to write on the message boards are the most horrible cases, the most pessimistic people, the worst case scenario - and then you scare the hell out of yourself thinking that this is going to be you.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I wish that I would have written more down as I was struggling. I know it was a dark time, but I wish that I had something I could look back at to see just how dark it was, just to remind myself. I wrote about it a little, but I am pretty sure that on my worst days, I remained silent because I didn't want people to know just how dark my thoughts could get. And I didn't want to admit to myself that I might just be depressed.
For me though, I have a hard time separating the darkness I was in due to the D&C and the despair of not getting pregnant afterwards. I sometimes wonder how my thoughts and journey would have differed in the absence of the D&C.
I am glad that you are sharing old posts. Women really are too silent about this stuff - and the ones who are not are the worst case scenarios that you read about on the message boards.
I really do love reading these posts. I haven't done any research because I haven't had any testing done yet to figure out if there's a reason why I'm not ovulating, but reading these gives me hope that I'll one day be where you are!
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