Monday, September 26, 2011

On a Subconscious Level

Our baby died at 8 weeks 4 days.

That is exactly 1 day after my last ultrasound. And the day I decided to make the announcement here on my blog.

I think a part of me knew.

That week, the week I had my last ultrasound was the week that:

- the urge to nap went away, I was still tired but not exhausted like I had been previously.
- the sweets craving went away
- the boobs plateaued and started to not hurt as much
- I wasn't constantly hungry anymore
- I wasn't pregnant in my dreams anymore

I had a midwife appt that week as well and asked the midwife about the disappearing symptoms. She said try not to worry, you just had an ultrasound 3 days ago.

It did seem silly, I HAD just had an ultrasound. How much reassurance does one need?

So I tried not to worry.

But a part of me knew.

I fucking knew.

I don't know how to move on from this.

I was already exhausted by this journey. How do I start all over again?

There's a small possibility that the pregnancy will jump start my ovaries and I could ovulate on my own.

But that's too much for me to hope for.

And how the hell am I supposed to enjoy a pregnancy now?

I was already plagued by constant thoughts of miscarriage.

Now the worst has happened.

As the miscarriage stories come rolling in, I hear time and time again that it's true, I won't be able to enjoy a pregnancy.

How sad.

I never did have that giddy feeling that you're supposed to have. That, OMG we're going to have a baby!

Sure, there was shock at seeing those pink lines after so long...but it was a OMG we're pregnant but don't get too excited sort of shock.

But I had no reason to assume I would miscarry. Even though we had trouble conceiving I am not high risk.

I guess even now with one miscarriage in my history I still have no reason to assume it will happen again. I am still not high risk.

Doesn't matter. Pregnancy can only ever be bittersweet for me.

So, all you preggy ladies out there who are constantly nauseous and living with your head in a toilet bowl. Take heart that the nausea means...YOU'RE STILL PREGNANT.

Everyone kept saying "oh you're so lucky to not have morning sickness", that was bullshit and I knew it. I was praying for nausea because you know they say if you have nausea your risk of miscarriage is way lower...guess it's true. So, while yes it probably sucks to constantly feel like you're going to throw up...or to be throwing up constantly, it's better than losing your baby.

Believe me.

I would take throwing up every day for nine months over a miscarriage any day.


  1. I know that I don't know you personally or know your whole story. I just happened upon your blog from another one that I read.

    I had a miscarriage last December. We had been trying for about 7 months and started testing to figure out why I wasn't getting a period. I found out I was pregnant on December 21, had an ultrasound on my own on December 22 (my husband had left that morning to go home for Christmas in Buffalo, NY and I would join him the next day) and the ultrasound told us that I was 8 1/2 weeks pregnant, but there wasn't a heartbeat.

    It was really awful to have something and then have it taken away so quickly. I had a D&C on December 27, the day after my 27th birthday. I really felt hopeless and powerless. I wasn't thinking about miscarriage, I was only thinking about how I would get pregnant.

    To make a long story a little shorter, we were cleared to start trying again in February, and 2 days before our 2 year wedding anniversary (April 23), we had a positive pregnancy test. The first few weeks were torture leading up to my 8 week ultrasound, but there was a heart beat. So far my pregnancy is progressing well, and I'm 27 weeks pregnant. My due date is December 27 this year or 1 year since my D&C.

    I know that having a miscarriage is awful, and no one can truly understand it. I just wanted to provide a little hope for the future. You never know what the future holds, and I wish you all the best.

  2. I think it's less about moving on and more about learning to live with it.

    A friend of mine had a miscarriage, then about a year later had a successful pregnancy. And a good friend of my mom's had major fertility issues, had three miscarriages, and now has two healthy boys (not twins). So, while there are a ton of very sad, tragic stories out there, there are also many stories that do have ultimately happy endings.

    Maybe it's just about finding a way to trust that the right thing will happen? Sending good thoughts your way...

  3. I'm sorry for your loss. I do understand where you are coming from.
    We lost our first pregnancy in May, except it was an ectopic pregnancy. We were the 1% statistic as to why it happened. Doesn't make it any easier - that's for sure!
    I wish you the best. I look forward to following you.


  4. Isn't that strange how we just "know". I knew something wasn't right when I had mine- the feelings went away and I knew it was too early for them to be gone. I remember trying to think I felt sick and it just wasn't there. I went through all of this with my sister too and I really hope your story turns out like hers did- she had so many tears, depressing texts, sad talks and a long hard journey. But it finally happened and I really hope it happens for you too. You are so amazing and a baby definitely deserves to have you as a mother- stay positive as hard as it is...

  5. I just started reading your blog after you posted on mine. I am devastated with and for you. Oh, I wish I could help. I am 2 months post losing my pregnancy and still a mess. Allow yourself to grieve and perhaps look into a counselor who specializes in fertility. And, if you want a fellow IF to have lunch with while you're in Oregon, let me know. I'm here (Portland). xoxoxoxo You will be a mommy.

  6. Oh it's so hard isn't it. Sending lots of hugs your way. Praying for a pregnancy and some joy through it too! I agree though, 9 months of vomiting would be worth it to have a baby.
    Agree with "Sometimes"- just let yourself grieve and get whatever help you can. xxx