On a Subconscious Level

Our baby died at 8 weeks 4 days.

That is exactly 1 day after my last ultrasound. And the day I decided to make the announcement here on my blog.

I think a part of me knew.

That week, the week I had my last ultrasound was the week that:

- the urge to nap went away, I was still tired but not exhausted like I had been previously.

- the sweets craving went away

- the boobs plateaued and started to not hurt as much

- I wasn't constantly hungry anymore

- I wasn't pregnant in my dreams anymore

I had a midwife appt that week as well and asked the midwife about the disappearing symptoms. She said try not to worry, you just had an ultrasound 3 days ago.

It did seem silly, I HAD just had an ultrasound. How much reassurance does one need?

So I tried not to worry.

But a part of me knew.

I fucking knew.

I don't know how to move on from this.

I was already exhausted by this journey. How do I start all over again?

There's a small possibility that the pregnancy will jump start my ovaries and I could ovulate on my own.

But that's too much for me to hope for.

And how the hell am I supposed to enjoy a pregnancy now?

I was already plagued by constant thoughts of miscarriage.

Now the worst has happened.

As the miscarriage stories come rolling in, I hear time and time again that it's true, I won't be able to enjoy a pregnancy.

How sad.

I never did have that giddy feeling that you're supposed to have. That, OMG we're going to have a baby!

Sure, there was shock at seeing those pink lines after so long...but it was a OMG we're pregnant but don't get too excited sort of shock.

But I had no reason to assume I would miscarry. Even though we had trouble conceiving I am not high risk.

I guess even now with one miscarriage in my history I still have no reason to assume it will happen again. I am still not high risk.

Doesn't matter. Pregnancy can only ever be bittersweet for me.

So, all you preggy ladies out there who are constantly nauseous and living with your head in a toilet bowl. Take heart that the nausea means...YOU'RE STILL PREGNANT.

Everyone kept saying "oh you're so lucky to not have morning sickness", that was bullshit and I knew it. I was praying for nausea because you know they say if you have nausea your risk of miscarriage is way lower...guess it's true. So, while yes it probably sucks to constantly feel like you're going to throw up...or to be throwing up constantly, it's better than losing your baby.

Believe me.

I would take throwing up every day for nine months over a miscarriage any day.