Fear and Acceptance

I had a plethora of half written posts that I was slowly posting, this one was about my fears of miscarriage. I'm posting it now because...well because my fears came true and everything I was so scared of really happened.

Wrote September 13, 2011, 2 days before my miscarriage started:

Every once in awhile I find myself looking for new blogs to read and last night I found myself searching for other success after infertility bloggers.

I found one last night that really got me thinking about my own situation.

She compares pregnancy after loss/infertility to a bride preparing for a wedding after she's been left at the altar.

Brides get super excited about buying the dress and colors and cakes and invitations, and new mommas to be are super excited about buying baby clothes and a crib and a stroller.

But the bride that's been left at the altar, she's a bit more cautious, carefully checking return policies and putting off final decisions until the last moment...because she feels like she's going to be left again.

It's a similar feeling to be pregnant after infertility. You would think that those who struggle would be the most excited, but alas it isn't so.

While many other newly pregnant mommas-to-be find themselves dashing out to Target to squeal over and buy baby clothes and cribs and strollers, I have yet to even walk through a baby section.

I used to cruise through the baby section just to gaze at all the cute baby stuff and maybe buy a onesie for a new friend's baby or a cute outfit for my niece.

But sometime over the last year I began avoiding the baby section.

I never walk through it.

Never even look at it.

And now here I am, 12 weeks pregnant, almost past that very important hurtle of the first trimester and I can't bring myself to buy so much as a onesie or a bib. The thought of researching and buying cribs and strollers and carseats is absolutely crippling.

Because what if I don't get to keep this baby?!

What if something happens and we have to put in another year before we can get pregnant again?

Fears of miscarriage are a normal part of pregnancy, rationally I know that and rationally I know that my risk of miscarriage is very low and gets lower with each week that passes. But that fear, the fear that we are going to get all excited and ready for this kid and then we don't get to keep the kid, that the universe is just paying a cruel joke on us, that fear makes decisions like nursery colors overwhelming.

I'm excited yes, but the fear wins out over the excitement each and every time.

I can't walk through the baby section.

At least not yet.

Maybe later.

Like when I'm 9 months pregnant and know I get to keep this baby.

What? Is that putting it off too long?

Wrote today:

Oh the irony of this post.

My fears were real.

My fears came true.

I'm glad I stayed out of the baby section.