Changes

I never wanted my blog to be about infertility.

I turn to infertility blogs often when I'm feeling particularly...infertile. But I had no plans to join the ranks of the infertile bloggers.

I, in fact, consciously avoided blogging about infertility until I was pregnant and mistakenly thought I was no longer a member of the infertility club.

But somehow it seems to have happened anyway.

So, I made some changes to the blog over the weekend.

I added an Oz page.

I added a Book Review page.

I added a TTC page.

I'm going to try to maintain my blog as sort of half general life stuff and half infertility (and of course someday PREGNANCY hopefully).

When times are particularly difficult, ie. in the midst of a miscarriage, I find my blog to be particularly helpful as a source of comfort as well as an outlet, but I am conscience of the fact that many of my followers/readers don't necessarily care about infertility and I don't want to alienate anyone or lose readers. So, we'll see how this new blogging strategy turns out.

What does everyone think of the new changes?

Under Construction

I feel like my blog posts have changed a lot these days, so I thought I would change the whole blog around to represent the change.

Hopefully by Monday this will all be figured out.

But in the meantime the blog is under construction.

See you all on the flip side!

Accent Nails

Some days it helps to come here to my blog and let it all out.

During the miscarriage especially it really helped to be able to write down all the thoughts that were swirling around in my head.

But some days I'd rather not think about it because it brings up all the emotions that I'm trying to suppress.

So today we're writing about NAILS!

Specifically the accent nail trend that seems to be all over the place these days.

Do you know about the accent nail?

It looks something like this:

source

source

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Four nails one color, one nail another. You can do either a contrasting color or a color in the same family but a different hue.

At first I was very hesitant to give this trend a go because it reminded me too much of what we all used to do as little girls, paint each nail a different color or do alternating colors on each nail.

But yesterday I decided what the hell.

And now I'm all over this nail trend.

I opted for same color family, different hue rather than do the contrasting but next time I am totally doing the contrasting!

I used these 2 colors:

Who's Spinning Tonight Sephora by OPI and Siberian Nights by OPI

They are both in the purple color family but Siberian Nights looks black with the lighter purple next to it.

Next time I'm thinking pink with a blue sparkle accent. Much more adventurous!

Anyone else loving the nail accent trend?

Goodbye Depression, Hello Boots

I'm sure it comes as no surprise for me to say that I've been walking around in a daze these last few weeks.

I've been going through the motions but have been putting little more than that into each day.

Perhaps my acupuncture session did what it was supposed to.

Perhaps I'm just tired of being tired.

But today...today I feel like shopping.

Specifically boot shopping.

And do you know what shopping means?

It means that the veil of depression is finally lifting.

I still cry...every day...at least once.

But it's getting better.

Every day. Just a little bit better.

And of course not hating everything in your wardrobe also helps to not feel like shit.

I may or may not already have 7 pairs of boots in my closet, but I find improving my mood vastly outweighs the absurdity of too many pairs of boots.

So, fall boots here I come!

All boots from Zappos

Getting Right Back in the Saddle

I read too many infertility blogs.

All the sad stories that are running rampant in blogland about infertility rarely brighten my spirits.

They make me sad.

Sad that women have recurrent miscarriages, sad that IVF doesn't always work, sad that sometimes you really don't get a baby in the end.

And I know my own story isn't THAT sad YET.

But is this just the beginning?

Is that damn TTC Timeline on the right side of this page just going to keep getting longer and longer?

Obviously I don't know the answer to these questions. And I try not to worry constantly about it. But I do, I worry about it.

As I read all these infertility blogs it seems that women have 2 reactions after a miscarriage:

1. Start trying again ASAP, get right back in the saddle.

or

2. Take a voluntary break from it all to prepare for the rest of the journey emotionally.

I apparently fall in to #1. I'm ready to start over. I NEED to start over.

They like to tell you at the Dr.'s office that you CAN get pregnant as soon as 2 weeks after a miscarriage but that they suggest you wait at least 1 full cycle to really start trying again.

This is just more bullshit.

At least for me. And I suspect for many many many others.

For one thing there is no "normal" cycle for me. I don't do normal. There's nothing normal about any of my cycles.

For two if your body has ovulated again then YOUR BODY IS READY to become pregnant again.

Seriously.

That's what ovulation is.

Your body ready for a pregnancy.

It doesn't willie nillie throw out eggs and hope to NOT become pregnant.

No, your body is trying to become pregnant with each and every egg it releases.

And if it's not ready, THEN IT WON'T OVULATE.

No I wouldn't suggest a stimulated cycle 2 weeks after a miscarriage, but if your body is like hey! let's ovulate then I believe you're good to go.

So, please Dr.'s don't tell me that we should be "careful" until a full calendar month has gone by, there is no way in hell I'm going to willingly prevent any possibility of a pregnancy...ever. Because if by some magic twist of fate we become pregnant on our own during this month before we're supposed to start "trying" again you can bet your ass my body is ready for it.

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THAT WILL INCREASE MY CHANCES OF ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE.

Again I call bullshit. And why do Dr's like to say stuff to freak you out?

So here we are. 2 weeks out from the miscarriage, my temps are back to pre-pregnancy temps, bleeding has stopped and we have an RE appt next week to chat about how long I have to wait for my period before we all give up on her and stimulate her with meds.

I've never had a stimulated period before.

I don't want to have a stimulated period.

So maybe, just maybe my period will be nice to me and show up at a respectable time say in the next 2-4 weeks so that we can get back in the saddle.

Or, too much to hope for, but maybe I could say OVULATE before I get a period.

But I've had a 105 day cycle before...so I'm not holding out hope. And I'm really not very good at ovulating.

All things considered, I am still grief-stricken, but rather than do nothing I think doing something will help me along...even if something is starting all over.

On the Bright Side

As I wallow around in my grief I decided to make a list of things that sucked about being pregnant so that I can feel better about not being pregnant anymore...even though we are of course still actively trying to become pregnant, these are all the things that I am not allowed to whine about when and if I get pregnant again but that I am feeling free to whine about now.

1. I can drink all the damn coffee I want. When I was pregnant I stuck to the one cup a day in the morning, but struggled with my guilt if I dared have another during the day. No more guilt, bring on the coffee.

2. Wine. Wine. and more Wine. I rarely go out and party my face off these days, but a glass of wine (or two) with dinner is one of life's little pleasures and I was sorely missing wine in the few months that I was pregnant. I may have been overindulging a bit to make up for the wine I didn't drink in those months, but come on, I'm grieving here.

3. Drugs for headaches. Drugs for colds. Drugs to help you sleep. Drugs for general feeling like shit. You're not allowed to take anything except Tylenol when you're pregnant. Now ibuprofen, Nyquil and Codeine are all back on the table. Yay for drugs.

4. Food on the rare side of things. Ugh, so many pregnant rules. To be honest I didn't heed this one very well and continued to eat all my meat somewhere in the medium-rare range...but now I don't feel guilty about it anymore. And sushi! I can eat sushi again!

5. My boobs. Yes they grew and apparently I get to keep the new boobs in size Large but the whole time I was pregnant they hurt and the colostrum thing was FREAKING ME OUT. So, yes, happy to have my boobs back to myself and not constantly thinking of them as future baby feeders.

Unfortunately I would give all this up and more in a second just for the chance to be and STAY pregnant again. I would even accept morning sickness, hemorrhoids and any other terrible pregnancy symptom you can throw at me.

Shit, I'm depressed again. The list was totally working and I just ruined it.

What are some other FANTASTIC things about NOT being pregnant ladies?

Sad

While I may be getting dressed every morning.

And showering.

And brushing my hair.

And cooking meals.

These days I'm just...sad.

Very, very sad.

My grandmother passed on Saturday.

I passed the baby the Saturday before.

And the Saturday before that was beginning of the miscarriage.

I'm not enjoying my weekends as of late.

There's a part of me that knows I should just take it easy and let myself grieve for a little while.

But another part of me is so. sick. of crying.

I have cried at least once every day since September 17.

That's a lot of crying.

And I'm worn out.

I'm pondering whether or not to get a gym membership because maybe getting out of the house and getting my endorphins going might make me feel better.

But since I have no appetite lately I'm a little nervous to add exercise into the routine. I don't want to lose a bunch of weight again. I fit comfortably into all of my clothes and as much as it sucks to grow too fat for your clothes it sucks going the other direction too. Nothing makes you feel uglier than having a whole wardrobe of ill-fitting clothing, be it too small or too big.

I'm starting acupuncture again tomorrow to try to get my hormones back on track after the pregnancy. I don't know how much I believe in acupuncture per se, but it's an hour of complete relaxation in which I spend my time not thinking about how much life sucks because I'm busy trying to count down the minutes until the needles come out.

I know that doesn't sound relaxing, but there's no clock and no way to look at a watch, so if someone says I'll be back in 20 minutes, how else are you going to know when 20 minutes has gone by?

Without fail I fall asleep long before I get close to 20 minutes.

Relaxing I swear.

And I figure it can't hurt at this point. I don't think anything can hurt at this point.