One of the big things that I've struggled with through these 18 months of trying for Baby #1 is that we have lost the ability to choose what kind of family we have.
All the dreams we had when we were younger about starting a family at this age and having this many children have all been thrown out the window. I never imagined I would 30 and childless. Even getting married at 28 I assumed I'd have babies by 30.
For the large majority of couples, they sit down, have a little chat about when they'll start trying, then throw out the birth control when that time comes and poof! a few months later they're pregnant and everything works out just as they imagined.
And then, because fertiles are amazing, they get to do it again for Baby #2, sit down, have a chat about how much space they want between the siblings, pregnant again and so on.
The choice about when we'll have a family and how big our family will be is no longer ours to make.
It is entirely in the hands of the Universe (or God if you're religious, as an agnostic what you call God I call the Universe). Whether I have three biological children or whether I have one biological child and 2 adopted children, or whether I have no biological children and millions of adopted kids. It is no longer up to me.
And that's a hard reality to accept.
Even if we manage Baby #1, what about Baby #2? Do we have to start this whole thing ALL OVER again? And do I have the strength for that?
If we get one and have trouble again with #2 will I be able to accept having an only child? That is never how I imagined my life. I have always imagined several children.
But life is all about adapting and changing.
And sometimes that means changing our dreams for the future.
So, here's to you Universe, I relinquish control. Do with me what you will.