Monday, December 12, 2011

No Choice

One of the big things that I've struggled with through these 18 months of trying for Baby #1 is that we have lost the ability to choose what kind of family we have.

All the dreams we had when we were younger about starting a family at this age and having this many children have all been thrown out the window.  I never imagined I would 30 and childless.  Even getting married at 28 I assumed I'd have babies by 30.

For the large majority of couples, they sit down, have a little chat about when they'll start trying, then throw out the birth control when that time comes and poof! a few months later they're pregnant and everything works out just as they imagined.

And then, because fertiles are amazing, they get to do it again for Baby #2, sit down, have a chat about how much space they want between the siblings, pregnant again and so on.

The choice about when we'll have a family and how big our family will be is no longer ours to make.

It is entirely in the hands of the Universe (or God if you're religious, as an agnostic what you call God I call the Universe).  Whether I have three biological children or whether I have one biological child and 2 adopted children, or whether I have no biological children and millions of adopted kids.  It is no longer up to me.

And that's a hard reality to accept.

Even if we manage Baby #1, what about Baby #2?  Do we have to start this whole thing ALL OVER again?  And do I have the strength for that?

If we get one and have trouble again with #2 will I be able to accept having an only child?  That is never how I imagined my life.  I have always imagined several children.  

But life is all about adapting and changing.

And sometimes that means changing our dreams for the future.

So, here's to you Universe, I relinquish control.  Do with me what you will. 


  1. I can 100% relate to thist post. When we first talked about how many kids we wanted, Jeff wanted 3 or 4. Just as I was starting to think 3 would be ideal, we started having problems. After I m/c the first time, I decided I would be happy with 2. Now that I've had a second m/c, I'd give anything to just have 1. It really isn't fair that others can carry out their plans exactly as they wanted. I hope baby#1 will come for you soon!

  2. I'm praying that you have #1 soon! I think the hardest part is not knowing how we'll someday have our family. I'm fine with not having biological children but we aren't to that point of knowing if I can or can't yet. It's frustrating being patient!

  3. I agree, it's hard for a 30-something who has planned education, career, etc. to not control having children. It took me about 9 months to let go and realize that I have no idea when it will happen. But it hasn't stopped being extremely frustrating!

  4. I hear ya', chica! When I was 17, all I wanted was to get married and have babies. I planned on having 3 boys and a baby girl. By the time I was 23, I was declaring I would have no children and that "I would through a party if I were barren." (yeah, that one is biting me in the arse). Then I hit 30 and the bio clock that my girlfriends warned me about really turned on. I just assumed I'd make babies as soon as I was ready. I can't believe I'll be 35 before I get to be a mom - at least 35! And there's no guarantee that I get to be a mom during my 35th year. It's so scary and so screwed up.

    I know what you mean about the 2nd baby. That is why I really hope for twins if and when we have to do IVF. I don't want to do this again. Ever. If we have only 1 through IVF, that means we have to freeze other embryos (provided we're lucky enough to have some to freeze). And it means this crazy bs again when we want to increase our family.

    You really captured what we feel in this post. Thank you.

  5. Yes. Just yes. My sentiments exactly.

  6. The total loss of control over your future haunts me daily. Up until infertility I felt strong, capable and in control of my world. Today, I am lucky if I can control my hair.

    I am enjoying your blog and looking forward to following your journey!

  7. Here I sit with an almost-2-year-old child who cannot walk or talk or even sit independently. My biggest fear in starting a family was having a child that would need me for the rest of their life, that I'd never again have that independence or freedom that I had before I had children. And it's scary to think of my future... wheelchair accessible vans, surgeries on bones that aren't growing right, changing my 30-year-old daughter's diapers. But, as we sat down and started talking about having another one, I realized that even though I still mourn Sadie's perfect homebirth, I'm okay with this happening again. And that's how I know I'm ready for another one... whoever they may be when they come out, whatever hurdles may come along as Sadie gets older. I think you'll reach a place like that eventually too...I think you're almost there!!