Anonymous

Hi guys!

I'm back.

I've kept up with all of your blogs for the most part.  Skimming over bad news and lingering on good news and not really commenting at all.

I've been lurking.

Sorry!

I promise to get back on the commenting wagon as soon as the madness of having a visitor and family time dies down.  MIL leaves today and tomorrow is NYE and thus 2011 will FINALLY be over and the holiday madness will come to an end.

But I wanted to post today about anonymity.

Many of you have recently written about being anonymous and how you don't feel comfortable coming out of the infertility closet to those close to you and I just wanted to throw out the exact opposite opinion.

I am not anonymous.  I have pictures all over this blog of both myself and my husband.  I use my real name and I use my real location.

Every member of my family knows about our infertility woes and about the devastation of the miscarriage.  Anyone who is anyone in our friendship circles also knows all the details.

And I wouldn't have it any other way AT THIS POINT.

I did not start blogging about infertility or really sharing our story with friends until AFTER I was pregnant the first time.  I was like I BEAT INFERTILITY AND NOW I'M GOING TO SHARE MY STORY!  Except of course that didn't last very long and I got thrown right back into the world of infertility AND I AM SO HAPPY THAT I SHARED both on my blog and in real life.

The miscarriage would have brought me to my knees if I had had to deal with it by myself.  People came out of the woodwork to tell me their miscarriage stories, again both in bloggerland and in real life, AND I COULD NOT BE MORE GRATEFUL.  

To refresh everyone's memory I posted on Facebook at exactly 12 weeks that we were expecting our first child and the very next day the bleeding began and the miscarriage followed soon after.  We then had to write a very sad "we lost the baby" post.  I was slightly embarrassed at first because WE HAD JUST POSTED THE ANNOUNCEMENT, but as the emails and texts poured in the embarrassment was lost in the undying gratitude for the people that reached out to me.

And in turn others now know that they can look to me as a source of comfort should they find themselves in a similar situation.  When my friend lost her baby at 20 weeks, her and I had one of the most heartfelt, sad, tear-filled conversations of my life, but it was because of our shared loss and having someone who has experienced the same thing to share the pain with...and their was something beautiful about it even though it was dreadfully sad.

Many of you in your daily lives have to deal with people inquiring about your future plans for children and obnoxious pregnant women whining about their swollen feet because you don't like to share your infertility woes.  I feel for you and I can tell you this:  No one ever asks me if I'm going to have children and no pregnant woman who knows me would dare whine in my presence, if either were to happen their going to get a story about 18 months and 1 miscarriage and no baby...it shuts them right up.

I feel I give a face to miscarriage and infertility, it can happen to anyone...and it does.  I refuse to shy away from either topic or be embarrassed by either, if someone wants to talk about it, I'll talk about it.  I can't promise I won't cry while I talk about it, but I'll talk about it.

I respect everyone's decision to either remain anonymous or come out of the closet, I just wanted to share my thoughts on the other side of anonymous.

Hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas

From our home to yours.

A Short Blogging Break

I have to take a little blogging break guys.

My reasons are twofold.

One:  My MIL arrives tomorrow.

She will be here with us for 2 weeks and I feel like I'm supposed to entertain her rather than sit on my computer blogging about my feelings.

It is my mission in life for the next 2 weeks to be a good hostess.

I know...I dream big.

Reason Two:  I have a few things I need to sort out in my head that keep getting confused when I sit down to blog and when I read other infertility blogs.

Sometimes I can feel myself being in a really positive place, I can imagine a future healthy pregnancy and a life with children and everything is looking up.  Then I start reading infertility blogs and suddenly I'm in a much darker place, that place where thoughts of recurrent miscarriage overwhelm anything positive that I was feeling and worry and despair take over.

I love reading everyone's blog and I appreciate that you read mine in return, but I need a little break, a break from all the heartache that as a community we've been dealt too much of.

So, MIL is in town and I am stepping away from the world of infertility for 2 weeks.

I hope to have found the peace I'm looking for (yes, peace only takes 2 weeks to find) and I will come back in the New Year ready to face my infertility as well as all of yours with some positivity rather than the despair I am feeling lately.

Here's hoping I come back to tons of BFP's from you all and as few stories of miscarriages, stillborns and BFN's as possible.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Giving Back

I would like to do something nice this Christmas.

It has been a shittastic year to say the least but as they say, time heals all.

The pain from the miscarriage and death of my grandmother have lessened with each passing day, and while I will miss them both for as long as I live it's nice not to have that dreadful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes along with SO. MUCH. GRIEF.

I know that even though we've been dealt a lot of crap this year there are still others that are so much less fortunate and I need to get my perspective back about what is actually important during this holiday season.

We have a roof over our heads, we are financially stable, we have vehicles that run and we're healthy...aside from the whole infertility thing.  This is NOT the time to sit around feeling sorry for ourselves because there's others out there that have it SO MUCH WORSE.

It's time to do a little giving to others.

So, I'm asking all of you, what is your favorite charity to give money to or favorite way to give back during the Holiday season?

No Choice

One of the big things that I've struggled with through these 18 months of trying for Baby #1 is that we have lost the ability to choose what kind of family we have.

All the dreams we had when we were younger about starting a family at this age and having this many children have all been thrown out the window.  I never imagined I would 30 and childless.  Even getting married at 28 I assumed I'd have babies by 30.

For the large majority of couples, they sit down, have a little chat about when they'll start trying, then throw out the birth control when that time comes and poof! a few months later they're pregnant and everything works out just as they imagined.

And then, because fertiles are amazing, they get to do it again for Baby #2, sit down, have a chat about how much space they want between the siblings, pregnant again and so on.

The choice about when we'll have a family and how big our family will be is no longer ours to make.

It is entirely in the hands of the Universe (or God if you're religious, as an agnostic what you call God I call the Universe).  Whether I have three biological children or whether I have one biological child and 2 adopted children, or whether I have no biological children and millions of adopted kids.  It is no longer up to me.

And that's a hard reality to accept.

Even if we manage Baby #1, what about Baby #2?  Do we have to start this whole thing ALL OVER again?  And do I have the strength for that?

If we get one and have trouble again with #2 will I be able to accept having an only child?  That is never how I imagined my life.  I have always imagined several children.  

But life is all about adapting and changing.

And sometimes that means changing our dreams for the future.

So, here's to you Universe, I relinquish control.  Do with me what you will. 

Life in Bullet Points

I've just got bullet points today.

• Michelle Duggar, pregnant with her 20th child, lost her baby in her 2nd trimester.  I hope everyone who was begrudging the Duggars their fertility will now realize that no matter the size of your family...miscarriage is hard.  I am sad for them, even if they have 19 kids already.

• My soul is no longer being sucked away by sadness, proof that it was in fact period induced...or at least I'm still assuming but...

• My luteal phase is 15 days long which means my 2WW is actually 16 days rather than 14 days.  AF is supposed to make her arrival today but my temp is still up and she is so far a no show.  This is all based off the ONE normal cycle I have had in the 18 months that I have been living in this hell...and even that was Clomid induced, so for all I know I am way off and AF isn't due for another 2 days...or something.

• If by some miracle I am in fact pregnant I can't announce it on here guys because unlike many of you I am not anonymous and I need to tell close friends and family before bloggerland.  This goes for ALL future cycles, I am trying to wean myself away from talking about my cycles now but it's all I can think about today because...

• I have made it 16 days without peeing on anything, but today day 16 is really testing my resolve.

• I am extremely thankful lately that with 2 sisters and 2 sisters-in-law that nary a one is pregnant right now.  Nor do any of them have plans to be in the near future.  I don't know how you ladies with pregnant sisters handle it.

• I am also extremely thankful that none of my close friends are pregnant.  Again, how you ladies handle this in your day to day lives is beyond me.

• I am seriously contemplating getting myself a job...or going back to school.  If I go back to work I have NO IDEA what industry I would be looking into.  In NYC I was working in production, but I don't think that is a career I will pursue here in San Francisco.  If I go back to school I'm running into a little conundrum in that my fields I wish to pursue, Forensic Anthropology or Paleoanthropology are quite specialized and thus not offered just anywhere and it seems SF schools are not big on the anthro.  My preliminary research leads me to Chico being the closest school with a program that would suit my needs and Chico is 3 hours away.  Nothing is ever easy is it?

• This post is all just an effort to kill some time while I continue to NOT PEE on anything for fear of the dreaded single pink line...and the real reason is that I fear the double pink line as well. I fear another pregnancy that ends in miscarriage more than I have ever feared anything...ever. Please AF show up today!

Soul Sucking Sadness

I am about to get my period again.  I can feel it.

I have such ridiculously messed up cycles these days hormone free that I forgot what my "normal", ie BCP periods were like. 

A few days before AF comes to town I get overwhelmed with sadness.

And today, today I feel it.

But there's something new to add to the period induced sadness this time.  It's the very real sadness that I am without a doubt not pregnant this once in a lifetime natural ovulation cycle.

It's like the sun has been blotted out.

It's a bone-crushing, soul-sucking sadness that I wasn't expecting.

I stayed off the crazy train, I didn't overanalyze symptoms, I've peed on nothing and I told myself I wasn't expecting a pregnancy this cycle, that it was just good to ovulate on my own.

But a little thread of hope found it's way in and I did, I hoped.  I hoped this would be it.  That since I magically ovulated on my own that I could magically get pregnant on my own and that I could get the fuck off of this infertility rollercoaster that I have found myself on.

Unfortunately I am unlikely to be able to ovulate again on my own.  The pregnancy gave the ovaries a chance to de-cyst for a bit but I am expecting they will soon be covered in cysts and clogging up any chance of a natural ovulation again.  I can't help but feel that was our only chance at a natural pregnancy without any medical help.

Unbelievably today seems to be pregnancy announcement day in infertility bloggerland as well.  And though I know it's not true and that many of you are still down here in the trenches with me, today it really and truly feels likes everyone is pregnant...but me.

Nail Polish Swap

I usually opt out of blog swaps because I suck at buying presents for people and I suck at sending things out in the mail on time.

BUT I love nail polish.

So, when Tara & Celia decided to host a NAIL POLISH SWAP, I didn't see how I could turn it down.

I was partnered with Ashley from Everyday AEM and she gifted me these lovely new nail colors.

Bobbing for Baubles by Essie

Carry On by Essie

Clambake by Essie

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't painted my nails 3 different times in 3 days to try them all out.

Thanks Ashley, I love them!

Let's Add Crying to the List

Dude, does ovulation make you guys cry?

I am an emotional ball of tears these last few days.

I cry at commercials.  You know the ones with all the hurt animals.

I cried watching the Today show.  There was a little boy in a wheelchair and the mom was saying his disease will take his life one day.

I cried reading MissConceptions blog post with pics of her angel babies born at 20 weeks.  Ok, that one is a legit reason to cry, my heart aches for her.

I cried watching this video:

 

I'M NOT EVEN SAD YOU GUYS.

I'm just weepy.

I can even laugh at myself as I'm crying and yet, the tears stream down my face anyway.

It's official, THIS, this is the reason guys think we're crazy ladies...it's because we are.  But it's not our fault!  It's the HORMONES!

If I was like this every month my husband would never have married me.

And I wouldn't have blamed him.

I go from irritable and cranky to weeping in 5.02 seconds FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

I think I accidentally hopped on the crazy train that I was meant to stay off of, I just got on ON A DIFFERENT PART OF THE TRAIN.

Riddle me this ladies, does ovulation make you emotional???  I'm like an ovulation virgin, I have no idea what's going on!