Countertop Paint FINISHED

I'm taking a little break from miscarriages and death for a day.

I've spent 2 weeks surrounded by it and while I've just gotten a call that the end is near for my grandma, I'm going to pretend for just a few hours that everything doesn't suck.

I realized that before we left Oregon in May I did not show you the final results of my countertop paint experiment.

Believe me, I thought long and hard about just leaving it half finished, but in the end I went ahead and completed the project and I gotta say...it looks better than it did before.

But...countertop paint is by no means perfect, there are lots of little scratches and blemishes that happened many weeks maybe even a month after the counter had been painted, which is well beyond the recommended 48 hours that it takes for the paint to "set".

So, without further ado, here is the countertop before:

And the countertops after:

From afar I think they're awesome. I much prefer the gray to the red, but there are little boo boo's like this:

And when you try to fix the boo boo's you get this:

So, to sum up. Love the color and the ultimate look from afar, but not happy with close up result.

Once we're back in Oregon for any length of time that has nothing to do with funerals or death we'll do some experimenting and hopefully find a solution to fix the monstrosity of ugliness that is that last picture.

Until then countertop paint is not getting a big fat thumbs up from me, but it's not getting a thumbs down either because like I said, it looks better than the red. So, what is that a thumb sideways?

Anyone else try countertop paint yet? Have better results?

Natural vs. D&C

Well, it's over. Finally. Ultrasound confirmed, uterus is clear.

I'm sorry that this blog has gotten all "infertility" on you, but I don't know how else to process all that's going on in my head...so I write it out.

And then because I decided to share the beginning of the pregnancy with you I figured why not share the end of the pregnancy.

Maybe it will help someone else going through the same thing.

And just for that...I'll write.

My miscarriage started on it's own, almost 4 weeks after the baby died.

While at the ER in NYC they gave me two options to rid my body of the embryo.

One, a D&C, which is a "procedure" also called uterine aspiration and it's the same "procedure" used in abortion. They suck the baby out basically, clean your uterus of all traces of the pregnancy. It's apparently quick, done in just a few minutes and only hurts during the procedure and maybe a few hours after.

And you get drugs.

Option number 2 was to take a drug (but not the good kind like you get in Option 1) which would bring on uterine contractions and force your uterus to expel everything in it.

They told me that there was also Option #3 and that was to wait for it to happen naturally but that they didn't like to do that Option because I risked infection.

They scared my husband with that one.

Doctors are stupid assholes sometimes.

Clearly I had already begun the process naturally.

And yet they really didn't want me to just let it happen.

I will never understand.

Option #3 actually has the LOWEST risk of infection out of all 3 of these because IT'S NATURAL...just FYI for anyone considering the options and being told bullshit.

Luckily I had many midwives helping me and my husband through this process because it was that word infection that scared him the most. The midwives gave him real information and finally convinced him that the D&C has a much higher risk of infection.

Yay for midwives.

I chose Option #3.

It took a week and a few days from the first signs of spotting to officially pass the "product of conception" as the nurse at UCSF likes to call it, and at times it hurt like hell.

But I think it was the right choice FOR ME.

I know many people choose the D&C because it's done and over with quickly and you can move on.

But I just couldn't.

I didn't get to talk much about it because I was trying not to talk about pregnancy ALL THE TIME, but I was definitely getting around to writing a Homebirthing Hippie post all about my plan to home birth and how strongly I feel about pregnancy and birth being a natural process and my dislike of the way birth is handled in most hospitals.

And as strongly as I feel about pregnancy and birth being natural, I wasn't being given the opportunity to do any of it naturally because my ovaries suck.

Getting pregnant involved a lot of dr's appts, drugs, temperature taking, stick peeing and timed sex. The only thing natural about it was that we got to get pregnant at home, not at a Dr's office with a tube full of sperm injected into my uterus, which believe me they pressured us to IUI each and every time we walked into that office.

And now, god knows how we'll end up pregnant. For all I know sex will no longer be part of the getting pregnant experience.

So, when it came time for the miscarriage decision I needed to let it happen naturally.

I did not make the decision lightly and honestly the whole thing scared the shit out of me. I read a few stories about women passing their babies and they looked like....well they looked like babies! I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle that, but I didn't think I could handle the D&C either. So, I went for it.

I cried when I passed my first big clot in the bathroom at the San Francisco airport immediately after landing from our botched trip to NYC.

And I cried as I lay curled up in a ball many days later experiencing what I can only describe as contractions. Fuck the term cramps, btw, they tell you to expect cramping, THIS WAS NOT CRAMPING. These were contractions, doing the exact same thing as they do when you're in labor, helping your body get a baby out. They were sharp and painful and came in waves.

And I cried in relief when many days and many "episodes" of contractions later I finally passed the "product of conception" in a gush of blood at 2 in the morning, because it was finally, more than a week later, over.

It wasn't quick, it wasn't painless, and it wasn't easy.

And I don't recommend it for everyone.

But for me, I needed to do it this way.

I needed to feel like my body was normal.

That my body COULD do what it was supposed to...even if it was miscarrying a baby it was supposed to be carrying at least it got the job done.

At many points I cursed my decision not to just do the damn D&C and have it all over and done with.

But then after it officially ended...I do not regret my decision.

With each day that came and went and as I passed larger and larger clots, there was a certain amount of grieving and mourning that happened along the way...but also a certain amount of healing and acceptance, and by the time the actually passing of the embryo happened I was so ready for it that I accepted it with relief rather than despair.

If I had found out the baby died and then immediately had a D&C I think the whole process would have been harder for me emotionally.

I know that sounds weird.

Even I think it sounds weird.

But it's true.

As the miscarriage has finally come to a close, we now wait with bated breath for the passing of my grandmother...then, and only then, will I truly be able to start the healing and truly grieve. Both for the loss of our baby and for the loss of my grandmother and what can only be described as the worst start to one's 30th year on this planet...ever.

UPDATE: I want to clarify. It's just the Dr's at the ER in NYC that I think are giant assholes and really pissed me off through this experience. All the Dr's and nurses here in San Francisco at UCSF have been AMAZING. I was on the phone with them every other day or so and they fully supported my decision to miscarry naturally at home because they agreed it ran the lowest risk of infection and they did not pressure me to do the D&C, even when the whole thing took longer than they expected. One nurse even called me the day after I had called the office just to check in on me, she also shared her story of her own miscarriage and assured me what I was experiencing was normal. They were awesome, ever single one of them.

That's What Friends Are For

Sometimes while I'm here in San Francisco I forget what it's like to have a bunch of friends all around me.

People I can call to meet up for a quick drink after work.

People I can swing by their place on a whim because I'm in the area.

People who can come hang out and watch chick flicks with me while my husband is traveling.

I forget what's it's like to have those people.

But last Saturday I remembered.

My miscarriage started almost as soon as we landed in NYC.

I had a bit of spotting. Light brown. Minimal.

My midwife said she wasn't worried, spotting is very normal in the first trimester and as long as it wasn't red and I wasn't having any pain it was nothing to worry about.

Friday the spotting continued and began to pick up in quantity, but it was still brown.

Friday night it turned red and I got worried. But I really REALLY did not want to go to the ER in NYC at 11pm on a Friday night. And honestly I knew that if I was miscarrying there was nothing they could do for me.

Saturday morning I passed a small clot and that was it. Time for a visit to the ER.

The ER visit was BRUTAL. We were there for 4 hours, I had several really painful pelvic exams, 3 ultrasounds where they just stared and stared at the screen but wouldn't tell me anything and when I finally got off the table my blood was all over the floor and they didn't even clean it up, just threw a towel over it AFTER I had stood up and seen it.

Brutal.

After 4 hours they finally said it, your baby has no heartbeat.

We both broke down in tears that we had been holding in just waiting for the words even though we already knew hours ago.

And I really really wanted to go home. I could not imagine a worse time and place for this to happen. This was supposed to be my birthday trip to my favorite place in the world and here we were experiencing one of the worst things imaginable.

We were staying with friends, but I just couldn't face going anywhere where people would be.

So we booked a hotel, got into bed and cried our eyes out. And I told Dom I just wanted to go home.

He told me I would regret that. Not saying goodbye to everyone.

And as shitty as I felt and how desperately I wanted my own bed and my own bathtub and my cats to snuggle with, I knew he was right.

So, as we texted our sad news and the calls slowly came in one by one. I said yes to everyone. Yes you can come by.

And within a few hours our teeny tiny New York hotel room was packed full of people. People who cared, people who had stopped whatever they were doing to come comfort us in our time of need.

They brought wine.

They brought food.

They brought presents.

They brought themselves.

And I felt loved.

And then I realized that yes, worst timing possible, but also best timing possible. If the miscarriage had happened here in San Francisco I would have had no one (except my husband of course, but he's hurting too, he needs comfort just as much as I do). No one to hug me, no one to comfort me, no one to whisper in my ear that it get's better with time because they know, they've been there too. I would of had none of that.

And for that I was grateful for the timing.

Because that, that is what friends are for.

On a Subconscious Level

Our baby died at 8 weeks 4 days.

That is exactly 1 day after my last ultrasound. And the day I decided to make the announcement here on my blog.

I think a part of me knew.

That week, the week I had my last ultrasound was the week that:

- the urge to nap went away, I was still tired but not exhausted like I had been previously.

- the sweets craving went away

- the boobs plateaued and started to not hurt as much

- I wasn't constantly hungry anymore

- I wasn't pregnant in my dreams anymore

I had a midwife appt that week as well and asked the midwife about the disappearing symptoms. She said try not to worry, you just had an ultrasound 3 days ago.

It did seem silly, I HAD just had an ultrasound. How much reassurance does one need?

So I tried not to worry.

But a part of me knew.

I fucking knew.

I don't know how to move on from this.

I was already exhausted by this journey. How do I start all over again?

There's a small possibility that the pregnancy will jump start my ovaries and I could ovulate on my own.

But that's too much for me to hope for.

And how the hell am I supposed to enjoy a pregnancy now?

I was already plagued by constant thoughts of miscarriage.

Now the worst has happened.

As the miscarriage stories come rolling in, I hear time and time again that it's true, I won't be able to enjoy a pregnancy.

How sad.

I never did have that giddy feeling that you're supposed to have. That, OMG we're going to have a baby!

Sure, there was shock at seeing those pink lines after so long...but it was a OMG we're pregnant but don't get too excited sort of shock.

But I had no reason to assume I would miscarry. Even though we had trouble conceiving I am not high risk.

I guess even now with one miscarriage in my history I still have no reason to assume it will happen again. I am still not high risk.

Doesn't matter. Pregnancy can only ever be bittersweet for me.

So, all you preggy ladies out there who are constantly nauseous and living with your head in a toilet bowl. Take heart that the nausea means...YOU'RE STILL PREGNANT.

Everyone kept saying "oh you're so lucky to not have morning sickness", that was bullshit and I knew it. I was praying for nausea because you know they say if you have nausea your risk of miscarriage is way lower...guess it's true. So, while yes it probably sucks to constantly feel like you're going to throw up...or to be throwing up constantly, it's better than losing your baby.

Believe me.

I would take throwing up every day for nine months over a miscarriage any day.

Just to Say Thanks

I'm in Oregon finally after a nightmare trip.

I haven't seen my grandma yet, but we're on our way there soon.

And I just wanted to say a quick thanks.

Thanks to everyone who commented and told me their infertility and/or miscarriage stories. As much as I wish neither of these things existed, it's nice to feel less alone and know you're not the only one who's been unlucky enough to experience these things and it's also comforting to know how many people had miscarriages and still ended up with babies in the end.

Thanks to everyone who has texted, emailed, Facebooked or commented with thoughts, prayers, well-wishes and condolences. I know I haven't written back to everyone, but I appreciate the hell out of it and it means a lot to me that people care.

And a quick apology. If you are a pregnant blogger friend of mine, either IRL or we're just blogger buddies, I apologize but I'm probably not going to be reading your blog anymore. It's just too hard and I can't torture myself by constantly thinking what week I would have been in and watching everyone's growing bellies. I wish you all nothing but healthy and easy pregnancies and I hope you all know how blessed you are. You'll all make great mamas.

Much love to you all.

More Sad News

Today was almost a good day.

It has been one week since the miscarriage started and I was finally feeling well enough to leave the house.

I put on a little bit of makeup.

I put on clothes that I hadn't been wearing for 3 days.

And then my mother called.

My Grandma, whose been in the hospital for 5 weeks, had her last dialysis today and is being taken off of all meds except for those that are keeping her comfortable. Without dialysis, she'll last a week, maybe 10 days longer.

It's a long story as to why she's in the hospital, so let's just say she's had diabetes for 30 years, her kidneys stopped functioning 10 years ago so she's been on dialysis and she was recently diagnosed with colon cancer.

It's just too much, her body can't take anymore, she's in constant pain and the decision was made to let her go.

I've hardly accepted the fact that I've lost my baby and now I'm losing my grandmother.

I'm on a plane tomorrow morning to be with my family and say goodbye.

They say these things happen in threes, so I'm waiting patiently for the 3rd.

Thoughts and Prayers are much appreciated.

I'm feeling a little numb, except for my goddamn uterus which hurts like hell and refuses to just expel whatever the hell it needs to expel to finish the job, and I'm tired...I'm very very tired.

I don't want to be a grown up anymore. Grown up shit sucks.

Fear and Acceptance

I had a plethora of half written posts that I was slowly posting, this one was about my fears of miscarriage. I'm posting it now because...well because my fears came true and everything I was so scared of really happened.

Wrote September 13, 2011, 2 days before my miscarriage started:

Every once in awhile I find myself looking for new blogs to read and last night I found myself searching for other success after infertility bloggers.

I found one last night that really got me thinking about my own situation.

She compares pregnancy after loss/infertility to a bride preparing for a wedding after she's been left at the altar.

Brides get super excited about buying the dress and colors and cakes and invitations, and new mommas to be are super excited about buying baby clothes and a crib and a stroller.

But the bride that's been left at the altar, she's a bit more cautious, carefully checking return policies and putting off final decisions until the last moment...because she feels like she's going to be left again.

It's a similar feeling to be pregnant after infertility. You would think that those who struggle would be the most excited, but alas it isn't so.

While many other newly pregnant mommas-to-be find themselves dashing out to Target to squeal over and buy baby clothes and cribs and strollers, I have yet to even walk through a baby section.

I used to cruise through the baby section just to gaze at all the cute baby stuff and maybe buy a onesie for a new friend's baby or a cute outfit for my niece.

But sometime over the last year I began avoiding the baby section.

I never walk through it.

Never even look at it.

And now here I am, 12 weeks pregnant, almost past that very important hurtle of the first trimester and I can't bring myself to buy so much as a onesie or a bib. The thought of researching and buying cribs and strollers and carseats is absolutely crippling.

Because what if I don't get to keep this baby?!

What if something happens and we have to put in another year before we can get pregnant again?

Fears of miscarriage are a normal part of pregnancy, rationally I know that and rationally I know that my risk of miscarriage is very low and gets lower with each week that passes. But that fear, the fear that we are going to get all excited and ready for this kid and then we don't get to keep the kid, that the universe is just paying a cruel joke on us, that fear makes decisions like nursery colors overwhelming.

I'm excited yes, but the fear wins out over the excitement each and every time.

I can't walk through the baby section.

At least not yet.

Maybe later.

Like when I'm 9 months pregnant and know I get to keep this baby.

What? Is that putting it off too long?

Wrote today:

Oh the irony of this post.

My fears were real.

My fears came true.

I'm glad I stayed out of the baby section.

Not Pregnant

We lost our baby this weekend.

I miscarried naturally and that means nearly a week after the first signs of spotting I am still in the midst of the miscarriage.

I'm hurting, both physically and emotionally.

I may blog my way through the pain.

I might disappear for awhile.

After a very brief stint as a fertile couple looks like we're back in the infertility club.

And we couldn't be more devastated.

source

NYC Bound

Today I am off for a much delayed, much anticipated birthday trip to NYC.

It may be a month late but I FINALLY get to enjoy a birthday party for yours truly with all of my friends.

It's been 10 months since I've seen my beloved city.

New York, I love you, mama's comin home!

I just wish it was longer than 4 days!

Cat Birthdays Yay or Nay

Excuse me while I veer away from my normal blogging subjects and pose a question to my lovely readers.

It's a ridiculous question I might add.

But I'm curious nonetheless.

Do you celebrate your animal's birthday?

I never have. I kind of always thought it was silly.

I mean, it's a cat, he doesn't know it's his birthday.

Besides, I never knew my cat's birthday. And I don't know our new kitties birthdays.

But then, for some reason, we decided one of our cat's should have Dom's dad's (who has passed) birthday.

I know, how random. What kind of a conversation was that? How did Dom's dad and our cat end up in the same conversation.

I don't know.

But I do know that we decided one cat has Dom's dad's birthday as his birthday now.

Then we were like well shit, now we need a birthday for the other cat. And since the other cat is about a month, month in a half younger we decided, hey! Thanksgiving! His birthday can be Thanksgiving!

So, guess what, we gave our cat's birthdays and we will not be with either of them for their birthdays.

What kind of shit parents are we?

We had trips planned, planned for awhile, and yet we still decided to give the cat's birthdays on day's where we are away.

Assholes.

Anyway, back to my original question, DO YOU GUYS HAVE/CELEBRATE CAT/DOG BIRTHDAYS?

Smiley Faces

Written May 27. 2011 during my first Clomid cycle. If you missed the beginning of this journey, you can catch up here, here and here.

For the first time EVER I have a positive OPK test!

I've been peeing on sticks for a year now and I've never seen a smiley face on an ovulation test.

OMG!

I even took pictures.

It's baby making time!

I think this is how you're supposed to feel when you first start "trying", not a year after that fateful moment. I put off drugs to help me for so long...and yet rather than finding that a decision I regret I KNOW it was best to wait until we were settled here. I've had 3 ultrasounds since we started Clomid 2 weeks ago, it would have been IMPOSSIBLE to do that either in Sydney or in Oregon.

So, here's to finally being like everyone else, 20% chance of a pregnancy this cycle (and a small chance for twins or triplets, eek!) and the knowledge that I DO ovulate with just a little help from a little pill.

I've been very honest about the fact that I was against Clomid. I searched and searched for alternative options, all to no avail. And now I'm forced to sit here and think about exactly what I was so against.

First off, Clomid should not be prescribed so heavily. I've said this a few times, but I really don't like Dr.'s who prescribe things willy nilly and this is one of those drugs that seems to be prescribed for every woman that walks into a Dr.'s office and says "I'm not pregnant yet". It is not an appropriate medication for EVERYONE.

Second, I didn't want to accept that I couldn't ovulate on my own. I was convinced (and still maybe convinced) that I could ovulate on my own if we just gave it enough time.

I gave it a year and a half off the pill and no ovulation. I'm not saying I'll never ovulate, I believe it's still possible for me to get my cycles back, but I was feeling like I was running out of time. I may only be 29...almost 30, still young by today's standards but my husband turns 39 this year, I want him to have babies before he's 40.

Written today.

To anyone out there having trouble getting pregnant, do your research and make sure you find the right doctor FOR YOU. If Clomid is an appropriate round of treatment for you then please please please make sure you have a Dr. that monitors you throughout your cycle. I went in for almost weekly ultrasounds after Day 12 of my cycle to check my ovaries and if it wasn't for those ultrasounds I wouldn't be pregnant. Know what the drug does and what it doesn't do!

In No Particular Order

I am not a Type A personality.

I am not super organized.

I do not have a special place in the cupboard for each grocery item.

I do not have a special place in my closet for every piece of clothing.

Let's not even talk about the shoes...suffice to say they "live" in the closet...but that's not where they spend the majority of their time.

My refrigerator is incredibly hard to find anything.

I do not load the dishwasher in a certain way.

It does not bother me that the bed is rarely made.

It takes a week for a mess to really bother me (exactly 3 days longer than it takes for it to bother my husband...or so he tells me)

I am not anal about any of these things.

And I'm just wondering, how the hell is everyone else so neat and tidy all the time?

I stop by people's houses unexpectedly and things are always put away, there are never messes lying all over the place.

THIS IS NOT THE CASE AT MY HOUSE.

If you popped by unexpectedly you would most surely find:

Breakfast dishes on the counter or the very least the pan I made breakfast in still sitting on the stove.

Coffee grounds on the coffee maker counter.

Shoes...everywhere.

Various jackets and sweaters draped over various surfaces, chairs, tables, couches.

The couch blanket in disarray.

An unmade bed.

Clothes lying on top of the dresser.

And clothes all over the bathroom floor.

I find the repetition of tidying these things up EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. just beyond me, so once every 2 weeks the night before the cleaning lady arrives everything gets put away, whole house, top to bottom.

And for me, this is enough. BUT, I wish it wasn't. I want a neat and tidy house ALL THE TIME.

So, neat freaks of the world, what's your secret? Do you pick up the house every day? Do you just tidy as you go, ie. never leave the clothes on the bathroom floor so there's never clothes to pick up?

And PS my husband is just as "untidy" as I am, so not only do I have my own messes to deal with but his as well. And I can't stand the thought of picking up after him more than once every 2 weeks and the rest of the time IT'S REALLY JUST NAGGING.

And no one really wants to be a nagging wife.

3 Follicles

Originally wrote May 26, 2011.

It is Day 15 of my cycle and I have not had an LH surge. This is depressing for me. It means I haven't ovulated yet.

So, trip to the Dr. and an ultrasound to confirm what I already know...I haven't ovulated.

BUT, and it's a very big BUT...I'm wrong, very wrong and have 3 mature follicles ready to pop!

I should ovulate in the next few days, SHOULD being the operative word.

The Dr. was very very positive that I would ovulate, in fact he said you WILL ovulate, not you most likely will or you probably will, but you WILL.

He also offered to give me a trigger shot, and if you're unfamiliar with the land of infertility it's just a shot that makes your mature follicles pop out. But since I have 3 ready to pop that means I would be ovulating 3 eggs and thus the chance for all 3 to fertilize.

Not a good thing or anything to strive for in my opinion, triplets are not in the cards for me.

So, no trigger shot, just more waiting to ovulate. And hopefully my body will sort out that only ONE needs to pop out...not all 3.

But I'm so excited about it!!!

For most of you folks you ovulate every month without ever having to do anything and you have a 20-25% chance to conceive each and every cycle. Me, I may have ovulated no more than 2 times over the last year, possibly not at all. So, just the fact that I'm ovulating and KNOW i'm ovulating gives me SO much hope. I officially have the same 20-25% chance to conceive this cycle JUST LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE.

AND

I was only on 50mg of Clomid, which means my ovaries just needed a little push.

Also a complete relief. I was scared I was going to have stubborn ovaries.

Which means if there's no pregnancy this cycle I will be dropped DOWN to only 25mg of Clomid for the next cycle, because less is better in this instance, 3 eggs is more than they actually want in this situation, since all we're trying to do here is make my cycles like everyone else's!

BUT that means another cycle where I may or may not ovulate. The waiting to ovulate sucks people, it sucks.

Wrote today September 7, 2011.

This was honestly more exciting for me than the eventual pregnancy because it meant things were WORKING, I can't even describe how amazing it was to feel just like most of you feel EVERY MONTH.

I suddenly had hope that I had more options than IVF and adoption because this $20 pill was actually working. The real fear over the last year really was that all the treatment options wouldn't work. It was scary to begin the road through the infertility treatments because once you start there's no going back, there's no thinking, "oh but we can see if this works in the future" because you'll have tried whatever "this" is and KNOW it doesn't work. Slowly dwindling down your options until eventually you're left with IVF or adoption...that's scary!

But option #1 was working...and I was happy.

2 Years

Today is our 2 year wedding anniversary. And what a crazy 2 years it's been.

We started our marriage happily living in our tiny 3 bedroom apartment in NYC.

Ten months later we packed up our apartment and moved ourselves to Sydney Australia.

We also started our baby making journey and we bought our first house together in Oregon.

Eight months after that we moved ourselves back to the good ole USA with our 7 suitcases, boatloads of pictures, tons of memories but an unexpectedly empty uterus.

We spent the first 5 months back in the States in our new Oregon home waiting for renters to move out of our San Francisco home and waiting for an embryo to take up residence in my uterus.

We finally made it to San Francisco 4 months ago with all of our belongings from NYC/Sydney and Oregon but still an empty uterus.

And now, here we are, 2 years into our marriage, we've moved too much, lived in 4 different cities, but we've landed here in San Francisco and have finally managed to coerce an embryo to make my uterus home.

In 2 years it's been...

...a lot of moving

...and a lot of waiting.

But it's taught us:

1. That we're really good at traveling together, traveling does not cause fights...ever.

2. That we really really want a family and we're totally ready. Nothing like thinking you can't have something to make you stop and think about how much you really want it.

Happy Anniversary Husband our last as just a married couple, here's to the next year together and all the changes it will bring!

Depressing

I originally wrote this post on May 24, 2011, Cycle Day 13 of my first Clomid Cycle.

I don't know if it's the meds or the fact that I don't think I'm going to ovulate even with the meds.

But I'm feeling very depressed.

My left ovary hurts and I have yet to get a smiley face on an OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit).

I'm sick of peeing on sticks and never getting a smiley face.

It's depressing.

So is my temperature every morning.

It never goes up.

And I have no confidence that it ever will.

I fear I will be in that lowely 20 percent of people who don't ovulate with the magic of Clomid.

Guess I have months to find out.

That's depressing as well, having to do this all over again, and again.

Wrote today September 3, 2011.

I didn't realize it at the time but a big fear of mine was not that I wouldn't get pregnant on Clomid but that I would continue to not ovulate on Clomid, thus continuing to rob us of the opportunity to even try to get pregnant.

Once you get into the midst of infertility you start reading WAY too much on the internet whether it be PCOS websites or infertility blogs or statistics and you start to convince yourself that you're a hopeless case.

With my endless amounts of "research" I found that women with PCOS have a much lower instance of ovulating on Clomid than the 80% statistic they always give you for the general population.

I kept reading stories from women with PCOS who had been bumped from 50mg up to 100mg to 150mg and even up to 200mg and still didn't ovulate. I just KNEW this would be me too.

I'd spent a year changing EVERYTHING, diet, exercise, herbs, acupuncture and couldn't get my body to ovulate, I was convinced that Clomid would be no different.

This is what infertility does to you. It gets in your head and messes with you.

I was willing to give Clomid 4 months before I moved on to a different ovulation inducer called Femara (which is actually a cancer treatment as well, so weird these meds) and I was already not even through my first cycle and I was busy planning out the next 6 months of treatments.

I was that convinced it wouldn't work. Talk about pessimistic!

Thoughts on San Francisco

I have promised to give this city (and this house) one year of my life before I make a decision about moving. But right now, I'm not loving it here.

I don't understand why people love San Francisco.

I have yet to encounter a person anywhere in the world who had anything negative to say about San Francisco.

But personally, I'm finding little to make me fall in love with this city.

Even though technically it's a big city, it doesn't feel like it. Perhaps that's the appeal to many, big city conveniences without the big city feel. It is not however, appealing to me. Go big or go home.

It is very much like Portland in this respect.

I love Portland. But I chose to live elsewhere, if I wanted to live somewhere like Portland, I would just live in Portland. Then I would be that much closer to my family, ie. free babysitters ;-)

And the weather f***ing sucks. This is why we're giving it a year so that I can see all of the "seasons", but so far summer is getting a big huge thumbs down from me.

And the house, well, the house is another matter.

My husband bought this house 7 or 8 years ago, long before he met me and while I like the house there are several things about the house that I and the hubs want to change. And the more the changes add up the more we're considering that maybe a move to a different house and a different area might be a smarter option. We're seriously at the point where we're considering almost a full remodel, if there's almost nothing in the house that we'd keep, why stay?

And the area, well, the area is nice, it's a great part of San Francisco, but...

San Francisco has a weird school system where the whole thing is a lottery and you have very little choice about what school your kid ends up in, but here's the kicker, THERE ARE NO SCHOOL DISTRICTS. I think in most areas of the world your school is determined by the area of town you live in and you go to the school for whatever area you are in. Choosing homes near good school districts is a very common way to purchase a house. Here you throw your name in the mix and your kid may very well end up at the worst school in the city an hour away from home.

It's weird.

And we're right next door to a school, SCHOOL KIDS ARE NOISY.

And I'm paranoid that my cats are going to get run over.

And all the houses are SO close to each other. You can hear neighbors argue if they have the windows open. And you just know they're watching your every move. Neighbors are nosy.

I'm seriously considering moving to the 'burbs just to get some better weather and to not be so close to my neighbors.

BUT just so everyone doesn't think I'm not giving San Francisco a fair shot here are some things I'm really enjoying about the city:

The recycling system - It's AMAZING! I know this makes me sound like a total dork that the first thing I like is the recycling system, but SERIOUSLY! Why has the rest of the US (and the world) not started recycling/composting/reusing EVERYTHING like this?

The fact that it IS a big city with big city conveniences (even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes) - I was DYING in Springfield, I am just happy to be back amongst the Crate and Barrels, Williams Sonomas, The Container Stores, Bloomingdales, Sur La Tables and every other favorite store of mine that I've been missing over the last year.

Big City Crowds - I know it's ridiculous but I missed fighting my way through crowds on the sidewalk, angry honking, and people that are in a hurry everywhere. YES I am a big city girl at heart.

Being close enough to Oregon to drive - It's an 8.5 hour drive yes, but it's a drive and it's doable in a day. That's a far cry from being 7500 miles away in Sydney or even 3000 miles away in NYC.

Farmer's Markets - San Francisco kicks ass on the organic front. They have a Farmer's Market in a different part of town every day of the week. If you wanted fresh organic produce everyday, it's not a problem and it's not expensive like shopping at Whole Foods.

Midwives and Homebirthing - I could not ask for more choice or more options when it comes to a home birth. I was completely overwhelmed both by my choice of midwives as well as my choice of midwifery centers in hospitals. Not only do I have awesome midwives to attend my birth at home I also have an amazing back up midwife at the hospital should anything go wrong. I could not ask for more support than this city has offered when it comes to bringing my baby into the world. AMAZING.

So, other San Franciscans, please share, what do you love about this city? What am I missing?

They Call it the Relationship Killer

Alright, here goes, this is my first of several posts I wrote while in the midst of my battle to conceive.

Originally wrote on May 16, 2011.

Clomid.

Ovulation Inducer.

It's said to be the relationship killer because it turns you into an evil bitch.

Or so they say.

God I hope "they" are wrong.

I took my first pill 2 days ago.

I have 3 more to take.

And then I wait.

And pee on some sticks.

And hope to see that little smiley face that I've never ever seen that would mean I ovulated.

I'm feeling good, not emotional or evil. I hope Dom is feeling the same.

He's been warned about the evil side effects and is taking extra special care not to piss me off

;-)

He's doing a good job.

I have had some mild ovary pain, but I'm going to assume that means everything is working and my ovary may actually be growing an egg which it will eventually POP OUT instead of letting it just sit there.

Even though we haven't hit one year yet which gives you free reign to join the infertility club and is usually necessary to get a Clomid scrip (though not always, many Dr.'s will prescribe Clomid if you ask for it, long before that 1 year mark, one of the MANY reasons I still have a problem with Clomid).

I get a special pass.

The joy of having an annovulatory disorder I guess.

I put off taking Clomid for 5 months.

I was diagnosed in Australia, I could have taken Clomid then, back in October. But I decided to wait until we were back in the US.

I could have taken Clomid in February when we visited my gyno in Oregon. But I decided to wait until we were settled in San Francisco.

Well, here we are. We're in San Francisco.

And I took the Clomid.

Let's hope it works!

Wrote today September 1, 2011:

Clomid scared the crap out of me. People made it seem like it was no big deal and Dr.'s were handing out prescriptions like they were candy.

I'm still torn on my feelings about Clomid. I personally love the shit out of it because it helped me do what my body was failing to do. But I think it's overprescribed and I don't think it should be prescribed for everyone who fails to fall pregnant within that first year.

It is not a magic pill.

It will not help with male issues.

It will not help with tube issues.

It will not help with endometriosis.

If you ovulate regularly and are not pregnant in a year, it's unlikely that this drug will help you, your body is already doing everything that this drug does. I've heard many people say it induces a "stronger" ovulation but in my humble non-medically trained opinion, ovulation is ovulation, an egg either leaves the ovary or doesn't.

It does however greatly increase your chances of ovulating several eggs, which leads to multiples, which leads to a higher risk pregnancy which leads to the higher chance you will have some sort of medical intervention in your labor and delivery, which leads to a higher chance of C-section!

Yes, I have a huge problem with the way the western world sees pregnancy and birth as a "medical" process rather than the natural process that it is.

Which is also why I struggled SO much with taking Clomid, I didn't want to start this process off in the Dr.'s office any more than I want to end it in the hospital.

But nevertheless, I have come to terms with the fact that I needed medical help and Clomid does do what it's supposed to do, and in my case that was all that was needed.

So god bless Clomid. But Dr.'s of the world PLEASE QUIT PRESCRIBING IT TO EVERY WOMAN THAT WALKS IN YOUR DOOR.