Back in the Game

Guys...it finally happened.

After nearly 19 months...I finally got my first postpartum period.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

I have no idea if I'll be ovulating or not but just like that...I'm convinced that I can at least ovulate ONCE on my own and I'm back in it.

The thermometer is out.

The Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor is out.

FertilityFriend has been reactivated.

Yeah...I'm all in.

I have never been so excited for a period in all my life.

Of course I have convinced myself that I will be pregnant in no time, like oh a NOVEMBER BABY how quaint!  Because after all my problem has always been ovulating...not getting pregnant.

I have also convinced myself that I have one maybe two ovulations in me before the oves get all cysty again.  So...it's now or never.

But one period does not ovulation make!

Yeah...tell my brain that.

It's not listening.  All it can hear is PERIOD = FERTILITY.

IRONICALLY as much as my body is telling me to make more babies the thought of a newborn still makes me want to throw up.

I want more CHILDREN but I do not want to do that whole newborn thing again.

I cringe when I see mamas with little tiny babies now, ESPECIALLY if they've got an older one in tow.  Can I really go through that again?

I KNOW that the newborn period was/is extremely short and only a year and a half later my kid is really cool and he's a PERSON now and not a screamy little blob...but really...can I skip that part?

Look at me, I'm talking like I'm pregnant already.

ONE STEP AT A TIME GIRLFRIEND.

So, temping...I've found my temps to be extremely high, especially for the follicular phase, 98.1 this morning on CD1.  Two factors, it's a new thermometer and I'm nursing, could be affecting this but I'm curious...Anyone else find their temps to be completely different when they went in for Round #2?  

I'm used to pre-ovulation temps being very low 96.8-97.1, any thoughts?  This is like starting all over, I feel like such a newbie!

The Lovey

Jett made it nearly 18 months with no sign of ever wanting or needing any sort of lovey.

I introduced several over the last 6 months or so, I put all sorts of different stuffed animals or blankets or other loveys in the crib with him.  We even took some to the UK because I thought they would make sleeping in a strange crib more familiar.

But he never really gave a shit about any of them.  They were just sort of THERE in his crib, he definitely didn't take a shining to any one in particular.

So I figured he just wouldn't be a lovey kind of kid.

I must admit this made me a teeny bit sad because I was a blankey kid, I STILL have my baby blanket, so I kinda wanted him to have a blankey or a lovey of some sort.

But whatever, he's becoming his own person and if he didn't want a lovey then so be it.

Then one day out of the blue he found this bear sitting under a bench in our breakfast room:

source

And proudly declared "Bear!".  Since then he's pretty much had it with him at all times.

What's so special about this bear you ask?

Go ahead and click on that link.

Bear is actually a heating pad.  My husband's heating pad I should add.

He's full of beans or rice or something and when you stick him in the microwave he's like a heating pad and stays warm for awhile...that also makes him weigh like 5 pounds!  Bear is HEAVY, but Jett insists on bringing him everywhere these days.

It's fucking hilarious really.

He comes to the playground.

He brushes his teeth with us.

He eats with us.

 Sometimes he gets fed.

Sometimes he just gets to watch.

Jett would like to bring him into the tub, but he settles for Bear sitting nearby and watching. 

Bear gets to wear Jett's shoes.

Bear is always in the crib if Jett is in the crib.  If you try to take him out without also grabbing Bear, Jett will start saying "Bear" over and over again until you get Bear out too.

And just generally we like to cuddle Bear wherever we go.

Bear even gets put on the potty.

You get the picture, we love Bear.

 Cutest.  Thing.  Ever.

Pretty amazing how these tiny little babies become their own people isn't it?

All These Preggos Are Making Me Crazy

Everyone is pregnant.

EVERYONE IS PREGNANT.

I feel like my entire blogroll is pregnant with Baby Deux (or 3) and everytime I open up a blog post about the SURPRISE (yes, all surprises I SWEAR) pregnancies I want to throw up a little bit.

The LOGICAL part of my brain is perfectly comfortable with the fact that I am not currently pregnant.  Baby Jett would just barely be over 2 if we were to get pregnant right this second, so a few months from now is TOTALLY COOL and actually ideal. 

But the INFERTILE part of my brain is freaking the fuck out.

Dear Period, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?  Yes, it was great that you stayed away for so long, but COME ON!  Time to grace me with your presence again!!!

I feel like I'm 13 again and all my friends have their periods and I haven't had mine yet.

Not cool body, NOT COOL.

Every time I choke down a glass of herbs or swallow another Vitex pill resentment wells up inside of me.

Why do I have to do all of this shit to ovulate?  Not even to get pregnant, just to OVULATE?!

I'm beyond frustrated with my body.

 

And then in other completely neurotic news, just the thought of a newborn makes me want to cry.  Not a good cry, the lock myself in my bathroom kind of cry.  WHY DO I WANT TO DO THAT ALL OVER AGAIN???  That whole newborn phase was HORRIBLE!

Baby Jett is awesome now, he SLEEPS and he EATS and he ENTERTAINS HIMSELF.  Why would I disturb the awesomeness???

Hard to understand how biology has such power over us.  But it does...it so does.

Weaning - 17 Months

I don't know where I've been or why I haven't been here.

Some days I really want to sit down and write some shit out on here...but most days I'm busy with life and really don't have the energy to come here.

We've been away from home since August and now that we're officially back home with no plans to go ANYWHERE until July we've been busy reintegrating ourselves back into our old lives.

It's good to be back home.

And it's nice to sit down and put pen to paper and throw some shit out there.

Here's where we're at.  Jett is 17 months old, we're still nursing, we'd like to get going with Baby Deux but I still have not had a postpartum period.

This bums me out.

I would have liked to get my fertility back without having to fully wean.  The fact that one seems to be dependent upon the other SUCKS ASS.

I'm not ready to wean.

And neither is Jett.

We still nurse like a million times a day.  Minimum nursing sessions are probably 5 and max is like he's a newborn with 8 or 9.  He goes 12 hours at night no problem but during the day he'll nurse every few hours.

Seventeen months old and he won't go more than a few hours without a least a little boob snack.

Awesome.

I did have a bunch of friends with kiddos around the same age who were all still nursing as well...at 16 months, then suddenly we hit 17 months and one by one they've all managed to successfully wean WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEMS and now I'm the last man standing.

I've tried everything that they and others have suggested.

Don't offer and Don't refuse, yeah...we've been doing that since 12 months.  He asks for milk A LOT and since I'm not refusing, we nurse a lot.

Offer alternatives when he wants milk...we've been doing this since 15 months when he started eating again (4 molars came in at the same time and he didn't eat much from October - December and breastmilk was once again his main source of nutrition) but alternatives such as snacks or activities only keep him distracted for a few minutes at which point he realizes once again that he requested milk and hasn't had it yet.

Remove nursing sessions one by one...this one requires more of a schedule than we have as only morning and bedtimes are the ones that happen with any semblance of regularity.  But we're trying this.  Dom has taken over mornings, gets Jett up and takes him downstairs for breakfast and I come down about half hour later.  Jett has a full belly at this point and will still nurse but he doesn't nurse AS LONG.  Baby steps people, baby steps.

A big part of the problem I know is that I'm not ready to be done.  Most people who have weaned have expressed a desire to be done...and they make it so.  It's their motivation.  I have no motivation other than Baby Deux and with Baby Deux being such an unknown ie. could never happen, it's hard to stop something that I love doing for a something that may or may not happen.

But in the interest of being more proactive rather than just sitting back and waiting for a period that may never come, aside from the attempt at cutting back on nursing I'm also back on Vitex and started acupuncture and herbs again.  

This is all too familiar territory.  

It takes me right back to 2010 when I tried every trick in the book to get my body to ovulate on it's own. 

With NO success.

It took Clomid to get me to ovulate for Pregnancy #1 and a miscarriage to get me to ovulate for Pregnancy #2.  I was really hoping Pregnancy #2 would be enough to let me ovulate so we could move on to Pregnancy #3.

Clearly that was too much to hope for.

Jett is just shy of 18 months, I figure we've got about 6 months before we a) wean, because Jett and I just really aren't ready yet and b) try more drastic measures if AF never shows up, ie. Clomid.

Sigh.

In other news because I had a boy instead of a girl Baby Jett gets his hair did with mommy in the mornings now.

So stylish right?

Baby Jett Walks Into a Wall

I walked into the living room to find him with this blanket over his head...he then proceeded to walk into the wall while I laughed so hard I cried.

That's good parenting right there.

Happy Halloween!

For the 2nd year in a row we've found ourselves in Oregon for the month of October.

Which means we could reenact the cuteness of Baby Jett's first Halloween from last year.

This year I put him in his skeleton jammies and pretended it was a costume.

He wasn't too sure about the terrain, it made walking a bit tedious.  But he seemed to enjoy himself!

We rode in wheelbarrows with cousin Parker.

 We watched Aunt Jill pull stupid faces for pictures with giant sunflowers.

 We walked with Grandma through the pumpkin patch.

 We turned our noses up at baby pumpkins.

 Deciding we wanted a bigger one instead.

 We watched Daddy find the biggest pumpkin he could find.

 And we tried to reenact our photo from last year...we were only kind of successful.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

The Mom Chop

Guys...I think it's time to chop my hair.

Not TOO short, but shorter.

My hair is long and obnoxious and I can't remember the last time I wore it down.

I shit you not I just went through the last 6 months of photos and could not fine ONE single picture of me with my hair down.

Sigh.

So, it's either wear my hair UP for the foreseeable future or chop some of the length off and see what happens.

I'm thinking something like this:

source

And here's my hair now...

Alright, you're right, that's from last Christmas! But my hair looks THE SAME.  All the more reason to DO something to it as I haven't changed it in a few years.

OMG how cute is Baby Jett, so tiny!

Anyway, I need some feedback, should I chop it?  Anyone else chop off inches and inches of their hair lately and NOT regret it?  I feel like every time I cut my hair I just want it to be long again...