Will I or Won't I?

I'm obsessing slightly.

I know.

But I took a 2.5 year break from it...it's ok to start again.

I'm on CD13 and I've been peeing on lots of things. With no results.

I should NOT be surprised as even when I ovulate it's well into the CD20's, I think once it was CD23, another CD29 and one of those was even a Clomid cycle!

So...why would I ovulate anywhere near CD13?

The answer is that I won't!  So why have I started to feel a little sting everytime I pee on a stick that doesn't show me a second line?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Somehow I've convinced myself that not only will I ovulate my first cycle postpartum but that it will be a totally normal cycle and I will ovulate right around...CD13.

For the record I peed on an OPK that gave me a big fat negative about an hour before we conceived Baby Jett so...I'm aware that OPK's don't really work for me.

But I pee on them anyway.

Makes me feel productive and PROACTIVE like I'm not just passively waiting to ovulate.

Even Fertilityfriend is telling me I'm going to ovulate soon.

Maybe this is all her fault.  She's feeding me false information.

Anyway, I don't want to do this mindfuck cycle after neverending 90 day cycle, so fingers crossed Fertilityfriend isn't just messing with me and I'm actually going to ovulate sometime soon!

Will I ovulate or won't I???

Is it Time to Pee On Something Yet?

I'm only on CD8 and yet I'm convinced that I should be peeing on things.

When does the peeing start?

I mean, I had my PERIOD for goodness sake CLEARBLUE EASY FERTILITY MONITOR, don't you UNDERSTAND?  Surely I should be peeing on ALL THE THINGS!

And yet...my monitor just sits there with it's stupid single line telling me to fucking relax and that I can start peeing on things in a few days.

What a bitch.  She doesn't understand the urgency.

And my thermometer.

She's a bitch too.

My temperature is still uber high, like if I hadn't just had my period it would convince me I'd already ovulated high.  98.1 is a post-ovulation temperature THERMOMETER.

She doesn't get it either.

And FertilityFriend...FertilityFriend...I hate to say it but she's no better, she's also a bitch.

Look at this:

 

What the fuck is this?  This is basically the worst chart I've ever seen.

The best she can do is tell me that I might ovulate in that green 2 week period and that my period might be like a thousand years long.

She hasn't told me to pee on anything either.

Bitches all of them.  All of my TOOLS aren't helping me, they're messing with me.

And since none of these bitches are being helpful, someone tell me WHEN DOES THE PEEING START?  Pretend I had a normal cycle, like a predictable 28 day cycle (hahahaha, I can hardly write that without laughing hysterically), when do I start peeing on things???

Clearly I'm obsessing, I GET IT, but I promise I'm not on the crazy train yet, I'm just REALLY REALLY EXCITED!

I'll start getting crazy and depressed somewhere around CD28 when I still haven't ovulated.

For now I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO START PEEING ON THINGS.

Baby Jett - 18 Months

He's 18 months (alright we're actually at 19 months...i'm a little late).

Holy shit.

Where does the time go?

One minute he's a screaming newborn the next he's a walking talking KID!  Yeah...tell that to the me from a year and a half ago with a screaming newborn...the days are long but the years are short.

At A YEAR AND A HALF (!!!!)  Baby Jett is pretty awesome.

Tall and skinny still at:

Weight: 21 lbs 10 oz. (18th percentile)

Height: 32 3/4 inches(70th percentile)

He sleeps through the night like a champ.  We stick him in the crib with Bear...and Other Bear...and a sippy cup...and a toy car...and sometimes a book (the list is ever growing, it used to be just Bear he needed, the crib is getting crowded!), tell him good night and he points at the door and says "go".  He rolls around and plays with Bear and all his stuffed animals and the car and reads for a good 15 minutes, even half hour some nights but then at some point...he just goes to sleep.  There's no more crying, no more going in there every 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc etc.  Just say good night and leave and he does the rest!

Can I tell you just how liberating that is?  And just HOW MUCH CONFIDENCE I have going in for Round #2 (NO, I'M NOT PREGNANT, just hopeful thinking). Those sleepless nights really don't last forever...I have proof now =)

He does the same for naps.  We read a story, I tell him it's time for his nap then put him in the crib with Bear and again, lots of playing and rolling around until he's ready, but then he just goes to sleep!

He's down to one nap a day and it ranges anywhere from 45 minutes to 2.5 hours...with the norm being an hour and a half.  But man I really enjoy those 2.5 hour nap days.

He has become very very PARTICULAR in his old age, see above, ALL those things must be in the crib for him to happily go to sleep.  Things need to be done JUST SO or we have a bit of a meltdown.  Huge fan of routine this one.

I like this in that he KNOWS what's happening next and goes along with it because it's what is SUPPOSED to happen but come on Jett sometimes the book can go on a DIFFERENT SHELF and it will all be ok!  This is his father through and through...mommy really isn't so particular about how things need to be done.  Dom always tells me there's a "right" way to do things...Jett seems to agree.

Case in point.  He goes to get his shoes, jacket and hat when he wants to go outside because he knows these are the things that are SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN before he goes outside.

 He also sits down to have his shoes taken off when he comes back inside.  I must admit...that part is pretty cute.

He loves cleaning and putting things away.  He likes to take his diaper wipes out one by one and "clean" things and then throw the dirty ones away.  He cleans the floor, he cleans Bear, he cleans himself, he cleans me.  Clean clean clean.  He's also a huge fan of making a big mess with his paints and drawing all over his little kitchen and shopping cart and table and then going to get the dishtowels to clean it all up.  I think he makes the mess just so he can clean it.  Same goes for when he drops food or drinks on the floor, off he goes to clean it up with a dishtowel!  This is my mother through and through.

Anything that is taken off a counter or out of a drawer always must be put "back" when he's done with it.  He says "back" a lot.

Not a huge talker but he gets his point across.  Though over the last 2-3 weeks he's continually adding more daily.  He says dog, cat, duck, bear, down, car, truck, dad, clock, bike, go, keys, back...maybe I'm missing one or two, but not a lot.  And I swear he says banana.

He may not say a ton but he definitely understands EVERYTHING.  I'm amazed at the comprehension.

Still nursing.  We've had a few days when Dom was home where we only nursed 3 or 4 times and that was amazing, but now Dom's traveling for the next week and...we're back to lots of nursing.  Not sure what I can do when I'm on my own with him 24/7...

Gave up on his high chair months ago.  That thing only got 6 months use...what a waste of money!  He loves his booster seat though and will happily climb up into it when you tell him it's time to eat.

NOT a big fan of eating still.  Ever day is a struggle.  What will Jett eat today?!  Though he is getting better about telling me what he DOES want to eat, as in he can make it known that he would like to eat cereal and apples for dinner rather than chicken and broccoli.  I would love to be one of those moms who puts him in his seat, gives him dinner and that's that.  If he eats it, GREAT and if not then he goes to bed hungry.  Unfortunately since we're still nursing he just makes up for what he doesn't eat with BOOB JUICE and since we're trying to wean...that's not gonna work.  So many a night he gets away with eating something other than what I've made him.  Short order cook over here!

He does stairs walking upright with no help other than the railing.  Many a day he's made it all the way up the stairs before I get around to following him.  Going down...ugh, our stairs aren't carpeted so he's not allowed to go down by himself, but really we're just spotting him, he does and can do it by himself.

LOVES the car.  And what I mean by that is he loves to get in the driver's seat and "drive" the car.  Pretty much if I'm going anywhere I have to add an extra 10 minutes leeway time to get where I'm going because Baby Jett needs to drive for a bit.  He can find both mommy and daddy's cars parked on the street and proudly declares "dad" for dad's car and just "car" for mom's...sigh...is he ever going to call me mama?

Also is really into TRAINS (Oh Thomas the Tank Engine...I hate you) and tools and bikes and is SUCH A BOY.  The garage is his favorite place in whole house.  And Dom's tools...oh the tools.  The tools are the greatest thing in the whole wide world except for boobs as far as Jett is concerned.  They're almost as great as boobs.  But the boobs still win.  I fear this will be an ongoing thing in Jett's life, tools and boobs, ah well...it starts early.

Has opinions about EVERYTHING.  What he wants to eat, what he wants to wear, what toys belong where, what plate he'd like to eat on, what utensil he'd like to use, and the list goes on and on.

Basically 18 months (19!) is my favorite age SO FAR, I love that he's a PERSON now...we've come so far.

Back in the Game

Guys...it finally happened.

After nearly 19 months...I finally got my first postpartum period.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

I have no idea if I'll be ovulating or not but just like that...I'm convinced that I can at least ovulate ONCE on my own and I'm back in it.

The thermometer is out.

The Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor is out.

FertilityFriend has been reactivated.

Yeah...I'm all in.

I have never been so excited for a period in all my life.

Of course I have convinced myself that I will be pregnant in no time, like oh a NOVEMBER BABY how quaint!  Because after all my problem has always been ovulating...not getting pregnant.

I have also convinced myself that I have one maybe two ovulations in me before the oves get all cysty again.  So...it's now or never.

But one period does not ovulation make!

Yeah...tell my brain that.

It's not listening.  All it can hear is PERIOD = FERTILITY.

IRONICALLY as much as my body is telling me to make more babies the thought of a newborn still makes me want to throw up.

I want more CHILDREN but I do not want to do that whole newborn thing again.

I cringe when I see mamas with little tiny babies now, ESPECIALLY if they've got an older one in tow.  Can I really go through that again?

I KNOW that the newborn period was/is extremely short and only a year and a half later my kid is really cool and he's a PERSON now and not a screamy little blob...but really...can I skip that part?

Look at me, I'm talking like I'm pregnant already.

ONE STEP AT A TIME GIRLFRIEND.

So, temping...I've found my temps to be extremely high, especially for the follicular phase, 98.1 this morning on CD1.  Two factors, it's a new thermometer and I'm nursing, could be affecting this but I'm curious...Anyone else find their temps to be completely different when they went in for Round #2?  

I'm used to pre-ovulation temps being very low 96.8-97.1, any thoughts?  This is like starting all over, I feel like such a newbie!

The Lovey

Jett made it nearly 18 months with no sign of ever wanting or needing any sort of lovey.

I introduced several over the last 6 months or so, I put all sorts of different stuffed animals or blankets or other loveys in the crib with him.  We even took some to the UK because I thought they would make sleeping in a strange crib more familiar.

But he never really gave a shit about any of them.  They were just sort of THERE in his crib, he definitely didn't take a shining to any one in particular.

So I figured he just wouldn't be a lovey kind of kid.

I must admit this made me a teeny bit sad because I was a blankey kid, I STILL have my baby blanket, so I kinda wanted him to have a blankey or a lovey of some sort.

But whatever, he's becoming his own person and if he didn't want a lovey then so be it.

Then one day out of the blue he found this bear sitting under a bench in our breakfast room:

source

And proudly declared "Bear!".  Since then he's pretty much had it with him at all times.

What's so special about this bear you ask?

Go ahead and click on that link.

Bear is actually a heating pad.  My husband's heating pad I should add.

He's full of beans or rice or something and when you stick him in the microwave he's like a heating pad and stays warm for awhile...that also makes him weigh like 5 pounds!  Bear is HEAVY, but Jett insists on bringing him everywhere these days.

It's fucking hilarious really.

He comes to the playground.

He brushes his teeth with us.

He eats with us.

 Sometimes he gets fed.

Sometimes he just gets to watch.

Jett would like to bring him into the tub, but he settles for Bear sitting nearby and watching. 

Bear gets to wear Jett's shoes.

Bear is always in the crib if Jett is in the crib.  If you try to take him out without also grabbing Bear, Jett will start saying "Bear" over and over again until you get Bear out too.

And just generally we like to cuddle Bear wherever we go.

Bear even gets put on the potty.

You get the picture, we love Bear.

 Cutest.  Thing.  Ever.

Pretty amazing how these tiny little babies become their own people isn't it?

All These Preggos Are Making Me Crazy

Everyone is pregnant.

EVERYONE IS PREGNANT.

I feel like my entire blogroll is pregnant with Baby Deux (or 3) and everytime I open up a blog post about the SURPRISE (yes, all surprises I SWEAR) pregnancies I want to throw up a little bit.

The LOGICAL part of my brain is perfectly comfortable with the fact that I am not currently pregnant.  Baby Jett would just barely be over 2 if we were to get pregnant right this second, so a few months from now is TOTALLY COOL and actually ideal. 

But the INFERTILE part of my brain is freaking the fuck out.

Dear Period, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?  Yes, it was great that you stayed away for so long, but COME ON!  Time to grace me with your presence again!!!

I feel like I'm 13 again and all my friends have their periods and I haven't had mine yet.

Not cool body, NOT COOL.

Every time I choke down a glass of herbs or swallow another Vitex pill resentment wells up inside of me.

Why do I have to do all of this shit to ovulate?  Not even to get pregnant, just to OVULATE?!

I'm beyond frustrated with my body.

 

And then in other completely neurotic news, just the thought of a newborn makes me want to cry.  Not a good cry, the lock myself in my bathroom kind of cry.  WHY DO I WANT TO DO THAT ALL OVER AGAIN???  That whole newborn phase was HORRIBLE!

Baby Jett is awesome now, he SLEEPS and he EATS and he ENTERTAINS HIMSELF.  Why would I disturb the awesomeness???

Hard to understand how biology has such power over us.  But it does...it so does.

Weaning - 17 Months

I don't know where I've been or why I haven't been here.

Some days I really want to sit down and write some shit out on here...but most days I'm busy with life and really don't have the energy to come here.

We've been away from home since August and now that we're officially back home with no plans to go ANYWHERE until July we've been busy reintegrating ourselves back into our old lives.

It's good to be back home.

And it's nice to sit down and put pen to paper and throw some shit out there.

Here's where we're at.  Jett is 17 months old, we're still nursing, we'd like to get going with Baby Deux but I still have not had a postpartum period.

This bums me out.

I would have liked to get my fertility back without having to fully wean.  The fact that one seems to be dependent upon the other SUCKS ASS.

I'm not ready to wean.

And neither is Jett.

We still nurse like a million times a day.  Minimum nursing sessions are probably 5 and max is like he's a newborn with 8 or 9.  He goes 12 hours at night no problem but during the day he'll nurse every few hours.

Seventeen months old and he won't go more than a few hours without a least a little boob snack.

Awesome.

I did have a bunch of friends with kiddos around the same age who were all still nursing as well...at 16 months, then suddenly we hit 17 months and one by one they've all managed to successfully wean WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEMS and now I'm the last man standing.

I've tried everything that they and others have suggested.

Don't offer and Don't refuse, yeah...we've been doing that since 12 months.  He asks for milk A LOT and since I'm not refusing, we nurse a lot.

Offer alternatives when he wants milk...we've been doing this since 15 months when he started eating again (4 molars came in at the same time and he didn't eat much from October - December and breastmilk was once again his main source of nutrition) but alternatives such as snacks or activities only keep him distracted for a few minutes at which point he realizes once again that he requested milk and hasn't had it yet.

Remove nursing sessions one by one...this one requires more of a schedule than we have as only morning and bedtimes are the ones that happen with any semblance of regularity.  But we're trying this.  Dom has taken over mornings, gets Jett up and takes him downstairs for breakfast and I come down about half hour later.  Jett has a full belly at this point and will still nurse but he doesn't nurse AS LONG.  Baby steps people, baby steps.

A big part of the problem I know is that I'm not ready to be done.  Most people who have weaned have expressed a desire to be done...and they make it so.  It's their motivation.  I have no motivation other than Baby Deux and with Baby Deux being such an unknown ie. could never happen, it's hard to stop something that I love doing for a something that may or may not happen.

But in the interest of being more proactive rather than just sitting back and waiting for a period that may never come, aside from the attempt at cutting back on nursing I'm also back on Vitex and started acupuncture and herbs again.  

This is all too familiar territory.  

It takes me right back to 2010 when I tried every trick in the book to get my body to ovulate on it's own. 

With NO success.

It took Clomid to get me to ovulate for Pregnancy #1 and a miscarriage to get me to ovulate for Pregnancy #2.  I was really hoping Pregnancy #2 would be enough to let me ovulate so we could move on to Pregnancy #3.

Clearly that was too much to hope for.

Jett is just shy of 18 months, I figure we've got about 6 months before we a) wean, because Jett and I just really aren't ready yet and b) try more drastic measures if AF never shows up, ie. Clomid.

Sigh.

In other news because I had a boy instead of a girl Baby Jett gets his hair did with mommy in the mornings now.

So stylish right?