Monday, October 4, 2010

The Detox Saga

I'm on a Detox. It sucks.

The story goes like this. I went to see a naturopath about some problems I'm having with my period and she suggested a mild detox. Mild as in no caffeine, no sugar, no dairy, no alcohol. That's it.

THAT'S IT she says, hahahaha.

It's the no caffeine I'm really struggling with. You see, I'm an AVID coffee drinker, ie do not talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee kind of coffee drinker, do not think it's funny to start a fake argument with me in the morning before I've had coffee kind of coffee drinker, I have no sense of humor in the morning before I've had coffee kind of coffee drinker.

I started this detox just yesterday, yes, just yesterday and I'm already struggling. I'm fine with the no sugar and no dairy, we eat those very sparingly anyway...except in MY COFFEE! I will gladly cut out all the sugar and dairy you want, just let me have the goddamn coffee!


I honestly thought I was a one coffee a day kind of person and I didn't think this would be THAT hard, but in my sad coffee addicted head I forgot about the fact that I have a second cup of coffee while I'm out and about ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Anyway, I started this detox yesterday and it took all of 2 hours for the headache to begin. We had unfortunately decided to go to the Australian Museum, which I'll write about soon, and it was a holiday here in Oz, so ALL THE CHILDREN IN SYDNEY were at the museum, screaming and running and being obnoxious little shits...or so it seemed to me because 1. I don't have children and 2. I hadn't had coffee. I swear these were the loudest most obnoxious kids and their parents were just as bad! Yelling "Lorenzo, come here!" over and over again. Yes, there was a poor little kid named Lorenzo at the museum yesterday, though I'm sure his problem was that his parents named him Lorenzo, so nevermind about Lorenzo he was totally in the right trying to escape his cruel parents.

I digress.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, the headache. So, caffeine withdrawl headache + school holiday museum trip = not the best Monday of my life.

On to Day 2, this morning I wake up after sleeping for like 9 hours, still tired and unwilling to start the day, I mean what's the point of getting out of bed if there's no coffee to look forward to!

Tangent: I once dated this guy who loved coffee so much that he said the only reason he went to bed at night was so that he could get up and have his morning coffee, I thought he was a bit nutty but now I'm thinking he totally had the right idea.

Back to today, I got up begrudgingly and decided that life sucked and I had no desire to do ANYTHING, nothing at all. I spent my morning like this, hating life and the fact that the mean naturopath (who I totally love by the way) wasn't letting me have coffee and deciding that there was really just no reason to live if I couldn't have coffee...I might be being just a tad overdramatic, but this is honestly how I felt until...

I caved.

I had some coffee.

Just one teeny tiny little cup of coffee...and you know what? The world became infinitely more enjoyable. My headache went away, I realized I felt like doing all sorts of stuff today (most important of which was to update my blog) and THE SUN CAME OUT!

I shit you not.

It was gray and cloudy all morning, perfectly matching my mood and then the second that barista handed me that cup of deliciousness the sun literally burst through the clouds. Birds began chirping, champagne fell from the skies...ok sorry, that was just in my own head, but seriously the sun came out.

It was amazing and I believe god is telling me that I should not give up coffee.


  1. Hilarious!! Goes to show how addictive the stuff is, right? I think you should try again... stick it out! It's all about willpower and dedication. I did a FULL detox once. 10 days of NOTHING except water and some lemonade concoction. I will never do it again, but the feeling of accomplishment was amazing. :)

  2. I've done a bunch of detoxes and the coffee is always the hardest. After the first one I made sure to slowly wean myself off coffee before starting anything! Even a sip of coffee gets rid of that headache! Theres a reason caffeine is in pain killers! Hang in there I can honestly say that after every detox I feel so great!

  3. i hate coffee. did you know that? can we still be friends?