Thursday, May 14, 2015

Are You Done?

Everyone around me IRL seems to be done having babies.  Some have 1, some have 2, some have 3.  Some are done by choice and some are done by circumstances out of their control.  But done, nevertheless.

Vasectomy is a common theme in conversations lately.  Friends are taking proactive measures to ensure that they are in fact done.

How is this the stage of life I'm in?  It makes me feel very old.

I feel like I just started having babies, how can everyone be done???

Since making babies hasn't been the easiest thing in the world, "are you done?" has become such a loaded question.  Without a doubt we were not done with one.  Even if pregnancy was unachievable a 2nd time then adoption would have been pursued.

But now?  With #2 a few months away?  Are we done?

In my heart of hearts I will tell you no.  I'm not done.  When we got married we were going to have 3 kids.  THREE, not 2, not 1 but 3. 

We will TRY for a third on our own without a doubt.

But how hard will we pursue a 3rd?  Even though #2 isn't here yet, we've been talking about #3. Will we pursue treatments if we cannot get pregnant and STAY pregnant on our own?

I'm not sure that we will.

If it doesn't work and I stop ovulating...again, then we might be done. 

Or the I have to have another miscarriage to have another baby?  It makes me sad that I have to lose on to get one but that's been the pattern so far.  Dare I risk losing another?

As Dom approaches 45 I think he'd like to be done with the "having babies" stage of life and move on to the raising our family stage.  I kind of get it.  I will turn 34 just after this baby arrives and if I pretend that the exact same timeline of events will unfold for #3 then I wouldn't be having #3 until I was almost 37.  Do I still want to be in the "building our family" stage of life 8 years after we started?

I hate to think this is the last time I'm doing all this things and not know it, like is this the last time I'll be pregnant?  Is this the last time I'll feel baby kicks from the inside?  Is this the last chance to have my homebirth? Will this be my last newborn?

I'd like to relish these things more if this is the last time I'll be experiencing them but...there's no way to know.

I know I've got at least another year, probably more, before any decision needs to be made on this subject, but it nevertheless plagues me.

What about everyone else?  I know most of you are/will pursue the 2nd by any means necessary but will you keep going?


  1. I know it sounds crazy maybe but I have these thoughts now, pregnant with #3. But I don't know if we would do treatments again. Maybe? Though I know it is basically impossible for me to be pregnant on my own, my body doesn't produce the right amount of progesterone even when I do ovulate. So I don't know.

    It's weird to me that your friends are already talking about family planning, as in, permanently stopping. A lot of my friends from before kids still don't have kids. And my friends who have kids now are at the same stage as me, 1 maybe 2, pregnant with #2 or #3. Soooo far away from that conversation! But I guess also a lot of people in my community have 4+ kids, so there's also that.

    I totally understand being at an age where you want to just have things settled, like, you know how many kids you have, you know what direction your life is going, at least as much as it is possible to know. So it does make sense. But I know I'm not there yet.

  2. I don't know. I always thought if be done after two, but this second one is so good and snuggly, I can't imagine being done with the newborn phase forever. It does make me feel old. Ive been thinking about a third, but I know a third is not even on my husbands radar. I'm going to be the copper IUD and buy myself some years to think about it. Not letting my husband get snipped!

  3. i got the question "will you try again for a girl" a lot when I was pregnant with Theo. it made me pretty sad that people would think I would be unfulfilled having 3 boys or that we were "trying for a girl" when we decided to have baby 3. When I was pregnant I told everyone I was done. It came from hating pregnancy. Feeling uncomfortable and disabled. But as soon as Theo was out, I think I said I would do it again within hours. And if it is in the cards and Nick agrees, we may have another. Of course it's a conversation I need to have with my ob, but I would have another. I suppose people maybe "know" when they're done? I know so many people who have taken the permanent route and I and like you, surprised they were ready for permanent but at the same time, they must "know" they're done and for me, I just don't. After 2 I felt our family wasn't complete. After 3 I have the same thought. But honestly, if I keep not feeling "done" after 4...well I don't see 5 happening. That just enters a whole new realm of bigness to a family. We never talked about our family size so I find it interesting we have ended up with a "large" family :)

  4. I loved this post! And the question is tough! I hate that infertility can play a roll in deciding how many kids to have, because it's a difficult enough decision on it's own. We are fairly positive that we'll have 3, but the TTC journey sounds exhausting!

  5. My husband wanted 3 and I wanted 4 pre-TTC years... now we have 2, and I could totally see having another, but he is completely not on board. In fact, he says "You're welcome to have another baby, it just won't be with me." Ahem.

    So we'll see.... like Lanie, I bought myself time with the copper IUD instead of letting my husband get snipped. I'm on my 2nd cycle now though and 50+ days in so yeah... definitely not working great. I'm also not taking myo-inositol or following PCOS diet guidelines, etc... so could I be helping myself out? Maybe? But it feels pointless when we are actually preventing right now. We're both 33 so I feel like we maybe have a little time to decide (maybe?), but like you, how much time/effort am I willing to put into this? I don't know. When Stella was Harvey's age I was already pregnant with him... so it feels weird to not be going down that road again already. Long story short, I have no idea what we are going to do.

  6. I definitely won't go to extremes again for #2. I would love one of those miracle babies, but I am not willing to put my family through hell for another baby. I love my son and although I don't feel done, I definitely know I am ready to be past the whole TTC thing. 35 is creeping up and I just want to have my family complete.