My Former Self

Before IF entered my life and I thought I would get pregnant the second I quit taking my pills I had a very distinct family that I was aiming for.

I wanted 3 girls.

If you couldn't guess, I am one of 3 girls.

I have no brothers, my family is a family of girls.

I have one niece, no nephews.

And oddly, Dom's family is very similar.

Of course HE'S a boy but he's got 2 sisters, and 1 niece.  So between the 2 of us there are 4 sisters and 2 nieces.  Yes, there are brother-in-laws, but the blood relatives are girls.

So, I wanted girls.

And even more specifically I wanted BLONDE girls.

I knew when I married my husband that my blonde dreams were probably going out the window as he has black hair and everyone in his family has dark hair...in fact I've never met a relative of Dom's with blonde hair.  I can hold out hope that there's a recessive gene in there somewhere, but more than likely there will be no blondies coming from Dom's gene pool.

And I accepted this.

But I still wanted the girls.

Then somewhere along the line when it became apparent that making babies was not going to be as easy as we all hope it is I gave up on the girls and resigned myself to having boys.

Like somehow if giving up the girl babies would make getting pregnant easier I was all in.  This obviously isn't rational, it wasn't my desire for girl babies that kept me from getting pregnant, but you all know how it is, crazy thoughts take hold.

And you're willing to give up ANYTHING just to be pregnant.

The first pregnancy I was sure it was a boy, BUT IT DIDN'T MATTER.  Not even a tiny little bit, I did not mourn the loss of my dream family with 3 girls AT ALL.

But then Baby BOY A didn't make it.

So, here we are with Baby B and I became so convinced during this awful journey that I was never going to be lucky enough to have my girl babies that I just wanted a baby, it didn't matter if it was a girl, that I have trouble even considering that this baby could really be a girl.

Maybe this is why I ALWAYS call it 'he'.

I can't even tell you if I prefer a girl over a boy anymore.

As everyone tells me that I'm carrying a girl, I find myself almost sad that it might NOT be a boy.

Take that my former self!  Is it possible you actually want a boy baby now?

All my other IFer's did you give up dreams of having one sex or the other just to be able to conceive?  And if you're pregnant now do you find yourself wanting one sex over the other?

Or do you find yourself like me where no amount of soul searching will drum up a preference of one over the other, MUCH TO YOUR OWN SURPRISE?

Operation: Quit Eating Crap

Guys, I'm gonna talk about something besides pregnancy.

WHAT?!

Yep, it's happening.

Here's what I would like to discuss:

The awesomeness of Meal Planning.

First, let's start with this: I'm not a big planner.  So, doing something like weekly meal planning is kind of a big deal for me.  

I'm definitely more of a Go to the Grocery Store Every. Single. Day. kind of person, and I kind of hate this about myself.

I hate going to the grocery store.

And in the very near future I fear it will be rather impractical with a newborn in tow.

In fact I loathe people at the grocery store with small children and I have vowed to never do this unless absolutely necessary.  Baby can stay with Daddy for half an hour!

Since I hate going to the grocery store I think meal planning is the greatest idea ever invented...in concept.

I've pondered meal planning and I've attempted meal planning.

I even wrote about Meal Planning.

But the part of my brain that requires me to plan out a week of meals and what goes into each of those meals does not work very well and no matter how I try to remedy the situation I still leave the grocery store missing some key ingredient and have to go back anyway...so I just shut that part of my brain off, quit trying and kept going to the grocery store every day.

Until the husband stepped in.

I'm not sure when or why he decided to bring up the idea of Weekly Meal Planning but he presented it to me as a team effort in which we'd sit down once a week and plan out our meals and then go shop for those meals together.  So if HE was interested in helping me make meal planning a reality I was on board.  

I also went ahead and let him think meal planning was totally his idea and something brand new that I'd never thought of.

Btw I think this works on all husbands, let them think the idea is THEIRS and they're way more interested in helping you.

So, we started meal planning.

And I LOVE IT.

On Fridays we sit down and have a chat about what we should cook for the week and Saturdays (Farmer's Market Day!) we shop for the week.  

And then THE BEST PART, Dom is always inspired to pick something to cook once a week and as long as it's all planned out and all the ingredients are on hand, HE COOKS ONCE A WEEK.

And it's like a little slice of heaven because I HATE COOKING.

Yes, the cook in the house hates cooking.  But what're you gonna do.  I'm jobless, he works too much, clearly I should be in charge of cooking whether I like it or not.

So, in a nutshell WEEKLY MEAL PLANNING IS AWESOME and you should all do it.  We also attempt to double recipes that are easily doubleable (totally not a word, I made it up) and freeze the extras so on nights when cooking is the last thing on your mind, VOILA! There's something to heat up in the freezer!

Now, the real reason I'm writing about meal planning...

I suck at it when my husband is gone.

Surprise, surprise!

And unfortunately he's been gone A LOT lately.  So, what do I do when he's gone?

I eat crap.

I eat a lot of crap.

And I have no idea why.

When he's here I'm really good about being the responsible eater in this home.  I cook 5-6 nights a week and I do not cook crap (unless I'm craving Fried Chicken).  Crap being fried greasy food or carbs, there's not a lot of carbs in this household, etc.  And we don't buy snacks like potato chips, so generally speaking there's not a lot of "bad" food in our house.

Lots of protein and lots of fresh veggies.

You get the picture.

BUT by myself I just can't do it.  I hate cooking so I go for simple when it's just me.  And guess what's simple?

Carbs are simple.

Chicken with broccoli, pasta and parmesan.  

Chicken with cous cous.  

Cereal.  

Pizza.  

Indian.  

All carb heavy and all are wreaking havoc on my digestive system.

 So, what's a girl to do?  A pregnant tired girl, no less.  No, better, a pregnant tired girl who HATES COOKING!

There's no brilliant solution is there?  I just have to suck it up and keep cooking...or eat crap.  It's Thursday and we got back from Oregon on Tuesday, guess how many times I've already been to the grocery store?

If you guessed 3 you'd be right.

Sigh.  Seriously, right back where I started.  Old habits die hard.

But at least I haven't eaten crap this week...

Bumpdate - 24 Weeks

We did it.

We made it to viability.

Baby now has a chance to survive outside the womb.

BABY CAN SURVIVE OUT OF THE WOMB!

Sure baby would need an assload of medical intervention and it would be months before we took the kid home, but premature labor is no longer a death sentence and that MAKES ME HAPPY!

Maybe I will quit worrying about premature labor now.

Ok, probably not.

So, on to the bumpdate.

How far along: 24 Weeks

Weight Gain:  As of this morning it looks as though I did not gain any weight this week, so still up 15 lbs.

Movement: Baby is pretty consistently hanging out down in my pelvic girdle, giving me little baby kicks throughout the day and then moves up at night to hang out under my belly button, giving Dom a chance to feel the baby kicks and me a chance to SEE them.  It's amusing to watch the belly move around.

Best Moment of the Week: We sat and watched a full hour long show with me laying down and Dom's hand on my belly and baby kept kicking away through the whole show.  Since it's usually just me and the baby, It was a cute little moment with all 3 of us hangin out.

Gender: I think girl this week especially after going to prenatal yoga and seeing all the different bumps (oh yes I FINALLY went to prenatal yoga, TWICE!) , there are some very distinctly basketball boy bumps and others with a bit more smashed bumps like myself that I'm convinced are girl bumps, I should start polling people to see if I can accurately guess the gender of their babies via their bumps.  I also now have random strangers telling me since my bump is so little for 6 months along that I MUST be having a girl.  Yep, the unsolicited advice/information that is bestowed upon all pregnant women everywhere has begun.

What's Up With My Body:  After having a million things going on with the bod last week, this week there is very little.

Heartburn stayed away all week until I had an orange yesterday, but went away again a few hours after said orange.

Constipation...once a week.

Again I woke up from a nap with a milk stain on my shirt.  Why does this only happen after napping and never in the AM after sleeping at night?  Can anyone explain this to me?  It seems rather ambiguous to sometimes have one boob leak while sleeping specifically during the day.  Still one of the weirdest things about pregnancy for me.

And for the amusement of all, after several close calls, it finally happened, the bump toppled me over.  I was in Target, one hand had a phone, another had a pack of onesies and as I squatted down to take a look at something on the lowest shelf, I made it halfway down and realized I had way miscalculated my center of gravity and couldn't keep myself up, and with no free hands to stop myself, down I went.  I fell right on my ass in the middle of the baby section at Target...in a dress no less.  Ugh, so embarrassing.  At least I'm not peeing myself yet.  I'm sure that's what I  have to look forward to next as we approach the 3rd trimester.

Bumpdate:  Husband gone again.  He's gone again next week too, busy traveling time for him as he finishes off a lot of work and starts amping down the travel to get ready for HIS WIFE GOING INTO LABOR.  I'm not gonna lie, as the pregnancy progresses, the travel has started to make me more and more nervous as I imagine myself going into labor and him being far away.  NOT FUN.  But just a few more weeks and he should be home until the birth.  CAN'T WAIT!  But until then, you're gonna keep getting iPhone self-portraits!

Yet another Old Navy NON-Maternity dress.  As long as they're flowy on the bottom and have an empire waist their regular dresses still fit fine!

Simplicity

I will never know if my less than simple journey to motherhood has tainted my desire to get ready for this baby or if this is just me and what would have happened even if I had fallen pregnant our first month of trying.

But I can't foresee myself buying much more than I already have for baby.

I bought a crib...I know I need a stroller/car seat just in case we have to have this baby in the hospital...I bought some onesies...and I want a moby wrap or some sort of baby carrier.  But other than those few items I think I'm done.

I don't want to register because I have no idea what I will need until after baby is here, so why do I need it now?

I'm not necessary someone who enjoys simplicity, in fact normally I like "stuff", I like to have things just because they are pretty and not necessarily because they are functional.  In fact I love unnecessary shit.

I decorate with completely useless knick knacks.

I buy dressy clothes even if I have no occasion to wear them.

I love pretty crap.

But when it comes to baby, I think I might be all about simplicity.

To me, it seems that 100 years ago, maybe even 50 years ago you didn't NEED anything to have a baby.  You just had the baby and baby used the same things as you.

Why do babies now need so much crap?

I plan on breastfeeding exclusively, so I'm not buying bottles.

I plan on co-sleeping so I don't need an extra baby sleeper to put near our bed.

I plan on carrying baby with me the majority of places I go, so I'll get myself moby wrap/sling.

I plan on cloth diapering, but everyone says it's a bit of a trial and error, so I don't see why I can't use disposables for the first week or two while we adjust to having a baby and then dive into cloth diapers.

I know the kid needs some clothes, but...does it really?  What if we all just hang out naked for the first week while we figure things out?  Who's that going to hurt?  And THEN we will know if baby is a boy or girl and I can go all out making the kid fancy.  But why does that need to happen pre-baby?

Toys?  Newborns can't hardly see their hands, let alone use them, this can wait.

Pacifier?  Yes, I might want one, but apparently the first 10-14 days it's super important to not let baby latch onto anything besides your boob so that you can get your milk supply going.  Pacifiers can wait.

Pump?  I don't plan on pumping...at all.  And again with the 10-14 days, you're also not supposed to pump and only use baby to get your supply going.

Burp clothes and receiving blankets?  Yes, I'll probably pick up a few of these just so I have some, but again, I'd rather wait until after baby is born so I can buy colors other than green and gray.

I'm sure I'm missing something, but I don't know what.

Am I making this too simple?  Not planning enough?

I'm aware that I've never had a baby and HAVE NO IDEA what to expect, but women have been doing this for thousands of years with NOTHING but our boobs...I'm embracing the primal instincts that ARE pregnancy and motherhood and it's not about the stuff.

But in case I'm missing some biggies, new mommies, what was ABSOLUTELY necessary in the first week or two of babies life?  

Let's Talk About Poop

Guys, if 3 months ago you would have told me that I would one day have a very strong desire to write a post about poop, I would have laughed at you.

And then if you would have told me that I was actually going to publish a post about poop I would have laughed even harder.

Because I don't talk about poop.

Ok, correction, I DIDN'T talk about poop.

I now find that I could talk about poop with almost anyone at any time because constipation has become a chronic issue that consumes way more of my thoughts than I ever thought possible...and I feel the need to share.

You see, when pooping is easy it never crosses your mind to want to talk about it.  It's an insignificant part of your day.  A rather boring, disgusting but necessary part of your day.  You wait for the urge, go to the bathroom, IT TAKES EXACTLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO PEE, and you're done for the day.  You don't talk about it because there's nothing to talk about and poop never enters your mind again until it's time to poop again the next day.

And then you get pregnant and you hear all sorts of stories about pregnancy and constipation.

But you still think oh that won't happen to me, I've NEVER had poop issues.  That only happens to women who already have poop issues, you know all the women who TALK ABOUT POOP.

And then.  AND THEN.  It happens to you.

And now many a day my thoughts are consumed with pooping and what I can eat that will help me poop.

"What can I eat today that has fiber in it?"

"Did I poop yesterday?  Or was it the day before?"

"Maybe I should start eating prunes."

"Roughage?"

And because I'm always thinking about it, somehow I end up talking about it.

I never wanted to be one of those couples who talked about their bowel movements.  My husband LOVED to tell me about his pooping and I HATED it when he talked about pooping.

But now, well now I've joined in the conversation.

And I'm so miserable with being constipated that I can't even be bothered to be embarrassed that we are now one of THOSE couples that talks about poop on a regular basis.

Guys, pooping is important.  And we need to talk about it.

You see there isn't just one kind of constipation, oh no, I've discovered there are many many DIFFERENT KINDS of constipation.

Let's discuss.

First there is what most of us think of when we think of constipation, the inability to poop for several days.  The only time I've ever experienced any kind of constipation is when traveling.  And all that happens is that for 3 or 4 days I don't go, nor do I have the urge to go and then one day I go with no trouble, no pain and that's it, constipation over.

That was constipation for me pre-pregnancy, now I know that this is the EASIEST kind of constipation.

The next kind of constipation is the kind of constipation that involves the inability to poop fruitfully.  So while you're going everyday you're not producing much and your poop is coming out in hard pebbles.  This one is more obnoxious than painful because SOMETHING is happening it's just not as significant as it should be.  

This is also easy constipation.  Drinking a ton of water helps with this.

The next kind is the kind that is back to the inability to poop but accompanied by a STRONG DESIRE TO POOP.  Your body is "trying" but for one reason or another it just isn't happening.  This kind of constipation hurts.  There is a lot of cramping and pressure and tons of signals for you to GET TO A TOILET NOW, but no amount of sitting on the toilet does anything to help the situation along and you end up crying and sweating on the toilet.

This is my new fear whenever I have the urge to poop.  WILL IT HAPPEN????  Because unlike before, it's not a given that the urge to poop will actually produce a bowel movement.

Sad but true.

The last kind is exactly the same as the situation above but preceded by DAYS of NOT pooping, so not only do you KNOW you need to go and your body is telling you to go but you know you REALLY need to go and that it's not gonna be pretty when it finally happens. 

This is the situation in which "cuts like glass" is an expression I've heard often for when the poop finally happens.  This one also involves crying and sweating on the toilet and if your kid tells you it hurts to poop and is scared of the toilet, I DON'T BLAME THEM ONE BIT.

That one makes me scared of the toilet too.

Luckily this one is a rarity for me and more often than not I am dealing with constipation issue #3 above and not #4 here.

But just because it hurts less is that actually better to be crying and sweating on the toilet often rather than have a break of 3 or 4 days?  Now I wonder.

And there you have it.  Constipation...all over my blog.

Anyone have a constipation issue that I forgot to talk about?

As I am about to hit PUBLISH I'm having a moment of OMG how embarrassing that I'm about to publish a post about poop.  But you know what?  Homegirl over here is just keeping it real.  Whilst pregnancy is amazing, the unglamorous side of it is way more fun to talk about and I'm so miserable BEING CONSTIPATED that I can't be bothered to be embarrassed.

And you know how much misery loves company.

This is a whole new side of me that I never even knew existed.

So let's discuss poop everyone.

And PS I've tried just about everything there is to try as a constipation remedy and as I've said a few times, every week I have about 6 days in a row of complete and utter regularity but regardless of my constipation remedies once a week issue #3 above will hit me for a day, sometimes two...and then it's back to regular again.  So I'm not looking for anymore constipation help at this point, I've tried it all, everything works for the most part, I just want to hear stories about how you are all just as constipated as I am =)

Bumpdate - 23 Weeks

Oh boy, here we are, 23 weeks, just 1 more week until viability.

Sorry I've been a bit absent on the blogging front, I honestly just don't have much to blog about these days.  Pregnancy is progressing smoothly, life is decidedly boring (in a good way) and I've got nothing I want to talk about or bitch about lately!

As birth draws near I imagine I'll want to start talking about THAT, but for now...I've got nothing.

But bumpdate, let's get to it!

How far along: 23 weeks

Weight Gain: Up another pound, that's 15 lbs. total.

Movement:  I had the pleasure of officially getting kicked in the bladder this past week.  Luckily I was in Lowe's the first time and close enough to a bathroom, but OMG, I thought I was going to pee my pants.  Then it happened another time while walking and nowhere near a bathroom and just so you all know, the sensation goes away if you can breathe through the initial sensation of PEE NOW and you won't necessarily pee your pants (although some of you will, LOL!).

What's Up with My Body:  I have a lot to say about my body this week, we'll use bullet points

• Heartburn, my disappearing, reappearing symptom was around every afternoon for the first half of the week and then just as suddenly as it appeared, it has disappeared again.

• Constipation, still just once a week, but once a week is enough to make me want to cry once a week.

• Peeing/sleep.  I did a little experiment with water and my nighttime routine.  You see a bunch of you write that you're up ONCE a night to pee and I'm up 3 times a night to pee...minimum.  And I was jealous.  My problem is that I get EXTREMELY thirsty just before bedtime.  Doesn't matter how much I drank during the day and how much I try to hydrate so that I'm not thirsty close to bedtime, I'm still thirsty at bedtime, hence all the nighttime peeing.  But I hate all the nighttime peeing.  So, to experiment I quit drinking at 8pm and VOILA! I was only up once a night to pee that night.  BUT, I woke up with aching joints, you know DEHYDRATED aching joints, my hip and my knee and my elbow were KILLING me and forced me out of bed at 6am, at which point I chucked 3 glasses of water and started to feel better.  Experiment tells me, don't quit drinking water just because you don't want to get up in the middle of the night to pee, you'll regret it in the morning.  And besides, I'm figuring it's better preparing me for being up all the time with a newborn, no?

• Size.  My bump has made me crowd wary.  I no longer trust myself to be able to squeeze through throngs of people in a crowd or on a train.  Not only is my girth different but I'm losing my balance, so dodging and weaving through tiny spaces is no longer something I trust that I am able to do.  I also don't like people bumping into my belly, so when I'm in a crowded space I now step back away from the people and wrap my arms protectively around my belly.  WHY DO I DO THIS?  I have no idea.  It's instinctual honestly, I don't realize I'm doing it until I find myself on the sidelines with my arms wrapped protectively around myself.

• Speaking of balance, there was a funny incident involving me almost falling off during sex.  I'll leave it at that.

• Braxton Hicks have arrived.  Even though my midwife told me to not worry if I started to feel these...I still managed to convince myself I was in preterm labor again the other day, for no reason mind you other than two Braxton Hicks contractions in the same day HOURS apart...at least in another week I can be assured that baby has a chance to survive even if my worst nightmares come true and i DO go into preterm labor.  What is my irrational fear with preterm labor?  I'm low risk, have had an easy pregnancy and just generally have absolutely no reason to suspect preterm labor.  CRAZY CRAZY PREGNANT LADY!

• And to round of what's up with my body.  I woke from a nap 2 days ago with a full on milk stain on my shirt.  Not just a little spot, a full on stain the size of my nipple.  One of the oddest moments for me to date.  OMG THEY WORK.

Gender: Oh my goodness.  I had no idea not finding out the gender would be this confusing.  I thought for sure I would "know" and that would be that.  The boy dream and the fact that I always reference the baby as a 'he' speaks highly of my subconscious knowing it's a boy BUT we keep focusing on girl names...without meaning to and without really thinking about it, we just keep throwing around girl names, I don't remember the last time we talked boy names.

Emotions:  I had my first real moment of I Want To Meet You Now Baby!  I realize I have 17 more weeks to go and generally I'm enjoying pregnancy, so it wasn't a desire to just be done with pregnancy already, but I've officially been pregnant for 9 months now...and I am ready to meet baby!

Best Moment of the Week:  Best and worst kind of combined.  We decided WAY back at the beginning of this pregnancy that at 24 weeks, viability week, Dom would discuss paternity leave with work and we would sell our Olympics tickets.  REMEMBER WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE OLYMPICS!  Well, 24 weeks is just a week away and the Olympics are just 100 days away.  TIME TO GET MOVING.  Best moment because it's like OMG we're there, we made it!  And worst moment because it's like SHIT, more stuff to do...as though there isn't already too much to do to plan for a new baby.

Bumpdate:  Husband gone again! You have to settle for craptastic iPhone self portraits.  PS. This is a non-maternity dress from Old Navy that fits SO MUCH BETTER than their crap maternity dresses.

The Story Behind the Name

I have a super common name.

My name was #1 for the decade of the 80's and it spent many years as either the #1 or #2 spot between 1980 and 1990.

I hate this.

From the age group of roughly 25-35 there are a whole hell of a lot of Jessica's.

Of course my parents didn't know this would happen at the time.

There are not a lot of Jessica's very much older than me.

It was not a popular name before the late 1970s and I was born in 1981.

Luckily they had the wherewithal to make it unique in it's spelling if not in it's pronunciation.

Ok, that's not why there is only one 's' at all.

It had nothing to do with me and letting me have a common name with a unique spelling.

There's a story behind my name.

And I've always liked it.

My name does in fact have only one 's', Jesica is not a lame attempt to be anonymous, that's my real name and the real spelling.

The story goes like this.

I am the middle child of 3 girls.

All of our first names start with the letter J.

And have 6 letters.

See, if I was the first child maybe we would of all had 7 letters in our names ;-)

But no, 2nd child means somehow they had to make Jessica have 6 letters, so I lost an S.

But it gets better.

Our middle names all start with L.

And have 4 letters.

And when you put the initials together, JLB it stands for my parents names.

J is the first letter of my dad's first name.

L is the first letter of my mom's first name.

And B, well we all have the same last name, duh.

Had any of us been boys the letters would have stayed the same, but the numbers were going to be flip flopped, so the first boy name they had picked out and never got to use was JOEL.

Cute, no?

Common name I may have, but I have a story behind the unusual spelling of the very common name.  So when people ask me "why is there only one 's'?"  Which happens often because they always think it's just spelled wrong, I have a cute story to tell them.

And people are always impressed that there's actually a story.

I've thought long and hard about doing this with my own children.  But since we all have J names I didn't want to add any more to the mix, there's a LOT of J names in my family and D for my husband's name, well....I'm not a fan of very many D names.

In fact I can't think of a single D name, boy or girl that I would consider.

So, what's a girl to do?

I'd like my kid to have a story behind their name.  But you can't just INVENT a story.  Stories have to happen organically.

As you can see, we're still stumped when it comes to the name of our future little terror.  I say terror because I'm pretty sure god has a sense of humor and this kid is going to be a Leo...just to fuck with me.

And out of nowhere, I just now remember a dream I had last night.

I had a boy baby.  And we named him my maiden name as his first name.

That would totally solve all of our problems wouldn't it.

Hmmmm......did my story just happen?