Not 30 Anymore Just In My Thirties

Today I turn 31.

I was convinced 30 was going down as the worst year of my life.  The miscarriage and the death of my grandmother left an awful taste in my mouth even as we welcomed the news of a second pregnancy on the heels of the first. 

I was elated about the pregnancy but upset about being pregnant for ANOTHER birthday, which just served as a reminder of what we had lost and WHY I was still pregnant a full year later.  

And I really wanted to have a baby while I was still 30.

I never considered the fact that Baby Jett would come early.  Unless he was showing up today, on my birthday, I honestly believed he wouldn't be here until the end of August.

But he's been with us for 10 days already.  

And Baby Jett's early arrival turned 30 from the worst year of my life into the something much different.

I can't claim 30 was the best year of my life as there was still just so much sadness, but Jett is the light at the end of that dark dark tunnel and I am grateful that he made his debut when he did.

So Goodbye 30 and Hello 31.

Still the Bitter Infertile

I don't know what is up with 2012 but it seems everyone is turning up pregnant.

The luck of the dragon I guess.

As all the BFP's have been raining down on the IF community I've been nothing but happy for each and every one of them, whether they struggled for a year or 5 years I'm so happy so many are getting good news this year.

But it seems the dragon luck is not exclusive to the IF community and nearly all the NON infertility bloggers I follow have announced their pregnancies in the last few months as well.

And it irks the shit out of me.

Is this because I tend to follow others who are at similar stages in life as me?  ie. most were recently married and thus pregnancy is the next step?

I want to be happy for all of these people.  I want to say "yay!  another member of the 2012 babies club!"

But a part of me still aches when someone married 3 months ago turns up pregnant.  Or when someone waits until 12 weeks to announce and then starts back-posting everything they wrote during the weeks leading up to their announcement and they mention baby names, they talk nurseries.

There's no fear in those posts.  

There is nothing but joy and excitement.

And I'm jealous. 

I am 29 weeks pregnant and I am still scared to death that something will go wrong in the next 3 months and I won't have a baby come August.

It is not a constant worry.  Most days I walk around perfectly comfortable in my pregnant body, happy to tell people that I'm 7 months pregnant.  And I smile and nod as they tell me how hard newborns are and how I will never sleep again, etc etc.

But then something hurts, or something is uncomfortable and I'm fully convinced that this is the beginning of the end.

I've spent the last 2 days on the couch with gas pains so severe that I could hardly walk.

My uterus seemed blissfully unaware about all the action going on around it, but that didn't stop me from poking it ALMOST CONSTANTLY to see if it was contracting.  To which I could then connect the dots of uterus contracting and I'M IN PAIN, I MUST BE IN LABOR!

I was obviously not in labor.

It's almost as though this whole thing has been too damn easy and I need something to go wrong so I can say, THAT WAS IT, now the rest can be easy.

I don't like being this person that worries all the time.  I am not a worrier by nature.

Part of me thinks, WELCOME TO MOTHERHOOD, as I know all mothers worry about their children and I will probably never be the carefree non-worrier again.  But part of me is sad, sad that I can't JUST STOP.

I've tried hard to relax and enjoy the pregnancy part of this journey.  But I must admit, I desperately want this kid out.

I want to quit worrying about every twitch and pinch and pain that I experience being a sign that something is wrong.  I want to quit being afraid that it will all end when I am alone.  I want to quit worrying that because I'm so worried about seeming crazy to my midwives that I won't call them about something I should have ie. I did not call my midwives about the gas pains I've been having, I'm so tired of emailing them, feeling crazy, them reassuring me and then have everything feel ok the moment they email me back so that I feel even crazier.

And I'm want to quit being jealous that people get pregnant easily.  That not everyone has a miscarriage.  That not everyone loses babies.  As though it's some rite of passage that everyone should have to experience before they can have their healthy babies.

I don't want to feel that way.  I wish NO woman EVER had to experience a miscarriage or worse, a stillbirth.  And I'm bitter and angry that I was one of the people that had to experience one.  And I feel like a bitch because so many people have had it so much worse and lost so much more.

And I hate that IF and baby loss take away the joy of pregnancy.

Does it ever end?  Once a bitter infertile, always a bitter infertile? 

A Heavy Heart

It is with a very heavy heart that I relay the news that there have been some losses in the IF community this week.

Both Belle at Scrambled Eggs and Tiffany at Pifer's Journey found out their babes no longer have heartbeats.

2012 has been so amazing, blessing so many of us with pregnancies that these two losses feel particularly difficult.

Hearing about others dealing with miscarriage takes me back every time to that sad little place in my head when I was dealing with my own.

I cried for them both.

Love and hugs to these ladies and their families as they deal with their grief and as they learn to survive one of the cruelest jokes god plays on us, blessing us with a pregnancy and then taking it all away.

A Different Conversation About Breastfeeding

This is not a post about the Time magazine article.

All I will say about THAT is to each his own (or her own in this case).  We don't need to fuel the fire of mommy wars with articles like these.  I have no problem with a woman choosing to nurse for 3+ years, but nursing your kid for 3+ years does not make you a better mother than someone who went to work 8 weeks postpartum.  Everyone's decisions that they make for their own family are OK and there's no need for one group to be fighting with the other.  We don't need a Working Mothers vs. Attachment Mothers.  We should all just be MOTHERS and be in this together.

So, moving on to another conversation about breastfeeding.

Most people can rattle off a whole list of benefits to breastfeeding both to baby and to mother, especially in the early months when baby has no immunity and uses mother's antibodies exclusively to ward off disease and stay healthy and when mama uses breastfeeding both to help her uterus contract back down to a normal size and to help lose a little baby weight.

And most women have a strong desire to give breastfeeding a go with their newborns.

But nobody talks about the other reason to breastfeed that has nothing to do with the health of mother or baby.

Breastfeeding as Birth Control.

Breastfeeding (let me specify ON DEMAND breastfeeding) has been used as birth control for centuries (we could even say thousands of years here).

Royalty has always used the LACK of breastfeeding to pop out as many kids as possible knowing full well that keeping the baby on the boob would delay the next royal heir.  Many devout Catholics use this anti-breastfeeding as a tool to have more children as well.  You can bet your ass Michelle Duggar does not do breastfeeding on demand.

Hunter gatherer tribes do the opposite.  They keep the baby on the boob FOR YEARS so that they don't have millions of children.  It works beautifully.  I don't have exact statistics for you guys but let's just say Irish twins (siblings less than 1 year apart in age) are unheard of in hunter gatherer societies.

Given my history and my possible PCOS I feel that breastfeeding is the only tool I have in my arsenal to have any choice about how far apart in age my children will be.

To refresh the memory of the masses I ovulated exactly once on my own in the year and a half that we were TTC and it was 8 weeks after a miscarriage.  

PREGNANCY WAS LIKE A MAGIC RESET BUTTON FOR MY OVARIES.

While it's possible there were other factors that led to my spontaneous ovulation I firmly believe it was the pregnancy and I feel strongly that I can ovulate soon after a pregnancy has ended in the future.

But I don't want Irish twins.

I'm aiming for 2 years apart.

But I don't know if I can ovulate more than once.

So, enter breastfeeding.

I NEED to be able to breastfeed in order to keep whatever ovulation may or may not happen at bay for at least a year.

If I stop breastfeeding at 2 months and I ovulate soon after.  WE HAVE TO TRY FOR BABY #2 AT THAT TIME because as far as I know my ovaries have a very small window of opportunity to pop out eggs on their own.

And I don't know what my window is.  Is it one cycle?  2 cycles?  More?

The only information I have to go on is that my periods ceased 6 months after I stopped my pills BEFORE we were TTC and were irregular the whole time leading up to the complete stoppage.  Unfortunately I wasn't temping so I have NO IDEA if I ovulated at all coming off my pills.  What I do know is that 6 months later I DEFINITELY was not ovulating.

And I know I ovulated ONCE after a miscarriage.  Luckily once was all it took to get pregnant again but I have no idea if I would have ovulated more than once had a pregnancy not taken place.

Unfortunately I also know that the first pregnancy did not leave my ovaries cyst-free, I had an ultrasound to confirm my uterus was clear a few days after the miscarriage and they were still polycystic but apparently they were just clear enough to pop out an egg.

I know there's a lot of skepticism about BOD (that's Breastfeeding On Demand) WORKING as a tool to delay ovulation, but I believe strongly that it does work.  It's an evolutionary tool after all.  

Evolution is amazing that way.

Tori Spelling, Michelle Duggar and Rosie Pope getting pregnant just months after popping out a kid do not count as using BOD as birth control....I guarantee they were not.  They were probably hoping that whatever amount of breastfeeding they were doing would work, but I'm certain they were not BOD. 

Cause you have to do it right.

Scheduled feedings will lower the effectiveness of this working.

Pumping can lower the effectiveness.

Basically anything that doesn't involve your boob being there whenever you baby needs it will lower the effectiveness.

But I'm ok with that.

Even introducing solids at 6 months, which is customary, can lower the effectiveness.

But I'm ok with that too.

If I make it to 6 months exclusively BOD with no ovulation and suddenly we introduce solids and I ovulate?  FINE.  We'll have kids 16 months apart.  IT IS WHAT IT IS.

I'll control what I CAN control and leave the rest up in the air.

If we get to a year and a half and I'm STILL not ovulating?  Time to cut the kid off the boob and see what happens.

Control what I can.

Of course this means I've just put a ton of pressure on myself to be able to breastfeed, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?  I think of it as motivation rather than pressure.  I AM GOING TO DO IT.

I'm going to pretend I'm a cavewoman and if I can't breastfeed my baby THEN MY BABY WILL DIE.  No pumps, no bottles, no formula will be in this house.  IT'S BREASTFEED OR BUST.

Otherwise we have to deal with the rigmarole of going to the RE again and as much fun as that was it was way more fun to get pregnant like normal people.

So, I open this up to discussion, what are your thoughts on BOD as birth control and any of you plan to use it as your sole form of birth control post baby?

A Blessing or A Curse?

Warning:  Some talk about my miscarriage in here!  If you're in early pregnancy and shielding yourself from miscarriage chat than do not proceed!

I've been thinking about birth a lot lately.

And why wouldn't I?  As it draws near suddenly everything has started to be about the birth rather than pregnancy, ie. childBIRTH classes, HypnoBIRTHING, etc.

But as I sat with a heavily pregnant friend yesterday and she expressed her uncertainty about what exactly a contraction felt like it suddenly dawned on me just how prepared I may already be for childbirth.

The preparation came in the form of a miscarriage.

Though it didn't produce a happy healthy baby in the end and though it was to something infinitely smaller than a traditional birth, my miscarriage was a birth of sorts.

 I know exactly what a contraction feels like.

I know that it feels nothing like a Braxton Hicks contraction and it feels nothing like period cramps.  It feels like a contraction and the term "wave"or "surge" describes it perfectly.

I even know what it feels like to have the urge to "bear down" and why women think they need to poop when they actually are ready to push their babies out.  Cause that's really what it feels like when the baby is ready to come out...apparently no matter how small it may be.

And I know what it feels like to have your cervix uncomfortably open for a few days after.

Oh how I hate the feeling of my cervix being open.

But is this a blessing or a curse?

I've read from a lot of crunchy home birthing hippies who are very anti-hospital birthing say that it's our cultural fear of childbirth that makes it painful and that it's the fear and the ingrained believe in how painful it is that actually makes childbirth painful.  While the feelings of childbirth may be "intense" they don't have to be painful if we can change our mindset.

There was a part of me that believed this and still does to some degree.

But I learned a few other things from my miscarriage besides what early labor will feel like.  

I learned that contractions hurt like hell.

I did not go into my decision to have a natural miscarriage with the idea that it would hurt.  I only hesitated because I was scared of seeing the dead baby, I didn't want to see it and thank god I didn't have to in the end.  

It never occurred to me that it would be super painful.  ESPECIALLY when all the assholes at the hospital tell you to just expect a lot of cramping.

I don't know about your cramps but my cramps have never been particularly painful.

So, I did not have a preconceived notion of pain and I wasn't necessarily scared of the ordeal.  A little panicked about possibly seeing a dead baby in the toilet, but scared wasn't the emotion I was feeling.  There was no expectation of pain and no fear of pain.

But it hurt.  It hurt a lot.

How do you explain that crunchy hippies?

So, now I'm torn, was the ordeal a blessing in that I'm prepared for at least some of this?   I don't know what it's like to go through labor and delivery of a full term baby, but I've had a little glimpse and I definitely know what to expect, especially in early labor.

Or is it a curse because I now KNOW it hurts and thus can never fully mentally prepare myself for it not to hurt...which is part of hypnobirthing, changing your idea of pain and convincing yourself that your "surges" are not painful.  Haha, ok I'm paraphrasing to suit my argument, but hypnobirthing IS about changing your mindset so that you don't think of the experience as painful.

I'm still ready to fully immerse myself in both the hypnobirthing and natural child birthing and still plan on having this baby at home, but a part of me is scared, scared of the pain I KNOW I will experience rather than the idea of the pain of childbirth.

So what do you think?  Do past experiences prepare you or just scare you?  

And could it be the happy ending, ie. the happy healthy baby in your arms after all the hard work, that can make childbirth "intense" and not painful?

A New Level of Crazy

If you are one of the MANY that received their BFP in the last few days maybe you don't want to read this, NOT because there's anything scary in it, there's not, but because you probably have enough things to obsess over and you don't need to add something else to the list of things to obsess over ESPECIALLY when it's Things To Obsess Over 20 Weeks From Now.


Warning over.

I'm almost at 26 weeks.

I made it past all those scary early weeks.

I made it through the miscarriage stage.

I made it to viability.

Third trimester is coming up in just over a week.

I only have 14 weeks to go.

You would think I would have found a way to relax into pregnancy.

Instead, I have found a WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF CRAZY.

I am absolutely obsessed and WORRIED about the size of my bump.

Like, pondering calling my midwives obsessed even though I JUST SAW THEM ON MONDAY.

I was measured.  I am measuring fine.

I heard the heartbeat.  Heartbeat is fine.

I was weighed.  Weight is fine.

I can feel baby move...all the time.

But I swear that my belly has not grown since 23 weeks and I'm worried.

I also haven't gained a pound in 3 weeks (almost 4 now) and I'm worried.

Rationally I know that everyone grows at a different rate and that everyone carries that weight differently.

But 2 days from 26 weeks and my bump officially feels tiny.

It was a normal size for 23 weeks.

It was a normal size for 24 weeks.

It was small for 25 weeks.

And at 26 weeks....I feel like it's tiny.

I thought pictures would be a blessing, not a curse.  I did not anticipate obsessing over them.

I wasn't expecting this level of crazy at 26 weeks.

I thought I got off the crazy train.  HOW THE HELL DID I GET BACK ON?

I'm not even sure what I think is wrong or what I want measured or reassurance about.  

But I know what the underlying panic is about.

Baby is now ABLE (not necessarily will, but able) to survive outside the womb and how devastating would it be if baby died IN the womb when it could have survived OUT of the womb if someone would have caught whatever imaginary problem I'm obsessing about in time to get baby out.

As an update, since I wrote most of this yesterday, I went ahead and let the crazy out for my midwives and told them what I was obsessing about.  They assured me that I was measuring beautifully just last week and that they would have alerted me to any problems if they felt I was measuring small.

And they offered to have me come in again this week for another measurement.

They're good with handling my crazy.  And they should be at this point as I used to send them an email once a week asking them some ridiculous question about one thing or another.

I'm made it almost 2 months without sending them an email this time...ever since I've felt baby movements I've been calm, NOT CRAZY.

But going in for another measurement would make me feel even crazier, because what am I wanting?  I accept that I was measuring fine for 25 weeks, what I'm having trouble with is 25 weeks looks the same as 23 weeks.

You want photographic evidence?  Don't worry I have it...but you will have to wait for my bumpdate on Wednesday, because YOU NEVER KNOW, maybe it will have grown by then and I will have gained something by then AND THIS WHOLE POST WILL BE MOOT.

Either way Wednesday will be bumptastic, you're going to get a whole slew of bump pics because if I don't share them with you then all the crazy picture taking that I may or may not have been doing over the last few days will be for nothing.

I need others to share in the crazy.

Fingers crossed we have a discernibly bigger bump in 2 days time.

Until then, share your crazy, anyone else OBSESSED with their bump size?  OR something else that you know is completely ridiculous that you're obsessing over anyway?

Please share, I don't like being on the crazy train by myself...it's a journey best shared with others.

A New Member of the Worst Club Ever

Alexis over at Our Journey Through This Lovely Life lost her baby over the weekend.

Spotting at 12w1d, a trip to the ER, no heartbeat and a baby that quit growing at 8w6d.

Sound familiar?

Yeah, it's my story all over again.

Alexis, you're not alone.

Everyone please go visit her and give her some love as she just became a member of the 

Pregnancy Loss Club that none of signed up for and too many of us belong to.

The First Due Date

Today, March 30 was my original estimated due date for Baby A.

After my 6 week ultrasound it was changed to March 31, but me and FF decided it was March 30 and that's the date that really stuck with me as my due date.

And it's here, it's finally here.

It's surreal to imagine being 40 weeks pregnant and ready to give birth right now.

And it's amazing that I am 20 weeks pregnant and halfway through a 2nd pregnancy as we come to what would have been the end of the first.

I looked upon this date with trepidation and dread.

I didn't know what I would be feeling, if I would be sad and depressed, or if the baby in my belly would make it all ok.

Turns out as I feel Baby B wiggling around, he makes it all ok.

I'm not sad.  I am hopeful.

Most of the events of my life, good and bad, I wouldn't change.  I believe the negative experiences as well as the positive shape us and make us the people we are.  If you change the experiences then you change the person.  And even though I have my faults I wouldn't actually want to be any other person but myself...shitty life experiences and all.

But if I could go back and change the miscarriage I would say wholeheartedly that I would.

Right now, before I meet Baby B, I would give him up to have never had to experience the miscarriage and to be having Baby A right now (because we all know baby's come right on their due dates and I would literally be giving birth right now ;-)

But I believe once Baby B arrives it will make the miscarriage a part of my life that I'm OK with.  Because without the miscarriage Baby B, which is the one I'm meant to meet, wouldn't be a part of my life.

Ok, now I'm sad.  I JUST MADE MYSELF SAD WITH MY OWN WRITING.

But today it's over.  The first pregnancy and all it's 40 weeks that would have been a part of it are in the past.  10 months that after the arrival of Baby B don't have to be so important anymore.

I have no more dates from my first pregnancy to surpass, no more reminders of Baby A.

IT'S BABY B ALL THE WAY FROM HERE ON OUT.

And I hope this year is the ONLY year that I commemorate March 30 as anything other than just another day.

Detached

I hope this doesn't turn out to be a controversial post, I feel like a lot of pregnancy bloggers like to sugar coat and would never dare say what I'm about to say, but I don't do sugar coating very well, IRL or here, so I'm just keeping it real.

I've been putting this post together over the last few days and when Cornfed Feminist mentioned that she hasn't had her moment of attachment to her baby at 7 weeks, I thought what perfect timing for me to throw out this detachment post I've been working on since there's at least one other person who has experienced the same thing.

I hear a lot of women say they are very attached to the baby they carry around in their bellies, almost from the moment they learn they are pregnant.

If a miscarriage happens I've heard women say they miss their babies and that sometimes they have trouble trying to get pregnant again because even if they get pregnant again the new baby won't be the old baby and it's the old baby that they want back.

I don't feel any of this.

I don't feel very attached to my baby.

And I don't miss my first baby either.

This isn't to say that it would not be devastating to lose this baby.  I can't even imagine the pain of that kind of loss and I hope to god I never have to know what it feels like.

And this isn't to say that the miscarriage wasn't the single most heartbreaking, soul crushing moment of my life.  My first EDD is March 31 and I look upon the date with dread.

You guys watched, through my words, as I dealt with my miscarriage.  It was devastating.

But it was not the loss of THAT baby in my belly that I mourned for.  Let's face it that baby wasn't even a baby, it was a 9 week old fetus, or was it still an embryo?  When's the switch?  Either way, it looked nothing like a baby, it was a little kidney bean, with no discernible human shape.  

No, I mourned for the loss of what the baby represented for our future.  And what losing the baby took away from us.  A future with children.  I mourned for what felt like the loss of our future with children.

An emotional break from TTC never really entered my mind.  I wasn't emotionally attached to THAT baby, I was attached to being pregnant and what should result from a pregnancy.

A future with children.

This is all to say that almost halfway through this pregnancy I in fact still feel rather detached from this baby.

I thought that seeing the little one on that ultrasound screen would really rile up some emotion in me.

I thought I would cry.

But in all honestly, there was no fighting back tears, I didn't get misty eyed, I didn't feel a well of emotion....it was actually a little creepy.  There is a little alien MOVING around inside there like crazy and I couldn't feel any of the movements.

I don't know if how detached I feel is normal, if it's a side effect of the miscarriage, or it's just me and how I'm an emotional zombie (sense my sarcasm).

Since the ultrasound I've started to feel the baby move and just like the ultrasound...it's a little creepy.  It's a very ODD sensation, one that I know as the baby grows changes, and as much as I was looking forward to this moment, I WILL BE HAPPY THAT THIS SPECIFIC FEELING IS SHORT LIVED.

It feels like a butterfly is stuck in my uterus.

Or you know when your eye twitches or a muscle in your arm?  IT FEELS LIKE THAT.

None of this is to say that I don't want this baby with every fiber of my being.  Because I do.
I WANT THIS BABY.

And even though the movement is super weird, it brings a smile to my face every time.

I can even tell you that the beginnings of a personality and it's likes and dislikes are coming out. It seems to have no affinity for sweets, sweets do nothing for the movement, just like mama.  And it loves breakfast, just like mama.

But I have yet to have that moment of attachment where I'm like oh that's MY baby in there.

I know I will be attached once this little person pops out there.  I have no fear about not feeling an attachment after it's born.

Perhaps I need to see him/her?  Like I've never met this little person and I think I need to meet him/her before my attachment really takes hold.

Is this weird?

I wanna know.  Did you all get super attached to your babies in utero right away?  Do you feel a disconnect?  If you felt detached did it change at some point?

And if you've had a miscarriage, were you super attached to THAT baby, or was it just what the baby represented?  And have you found it difficult to begin TTC post miscarriage because you feel so attached to the first baby?

Bumpdate - 18 Weeks

Warning: Ultrasound pics at the end of this post!

It's Bumpdate time again!!!

How far along: 18w1d

Weight Gain: I'm up another pound, that's up 8 total.  I'm doing well at this 1-2 lbs. a week thing!

Maternity Clothes: In NYC I wandered into the maternity section at Macy's, ironically I was looking for the bathroom and not actually shopping but OMG have you guys been there?  I've heard of Pea in the Pod but I've never actually been inside one.  It's amazing!  Everything a pregnant lady could possibly want!  Dresses, pants of every style, jeans, cargos, capris, corduroys, shorts, tank tops, T-shirts, blouses, tight shirts, loose shirts, bras, swimsuits.  You name it, they got it!

I finally broke down and bought my first pair of maternity jeans, I hate to admit it but they're designer jeans, that's right I totally overspent on jeans that I will only wear for a few months.  BUT, I plan on being pregnant for a good majority of the next 5 years (fingers crossed!!!) so I'm figuring I can get some good use out of them.  But I will not be living in these, so many of you have said how comfy they are, which is true, but I still can't see myself wearing them more than once a week or so.

I came home from NYC with the aforementioned maternity jeans, a dress, a tank top and a shirt.  Not too shabby for 18 weeks along and still fitting into the majority of my clothes.

Food Cravings: I had my first real craving besides that one many many weeks ago when I really wanted Oreos.  I was on the subway in NYC and suddenly I DESPERATELY wanted milk.  Like I was salivating specifically for MILK.  Water wasn't gonna cut it, orange juice wasn't gonna cut it, I had to have milk!  This is significant because I don't drink milk...ever.  I put milk in my coffee and every once in awhile I have cereal, but other than that, no milk, I don't even remember the last time I poured myself a GLASS of milk.  But suddenly I NEEDED it.  Conveniently when I arrived at my destination my friend just happened to have bought milk which she NEVER buys!  Perfect timing! It should be noted I was eating like shit the whole time I was in NYC also, so perhaps baby was just like OMG Mom, give me some CALCIUM!!!

Movement: I'm not sure.  BUT since I just wrote I'm not sure instead of a resounding NO I'm thinking whatever it is I'm feeling that I think might be the baby probably is indeed the baby.  It's definitely nothing distinct or strong and on the ultrasound today the little wiggle worm was moving around like crazy and I didn't feel a thing, so...I'm still not sure if I've felt movement.

What's up with my body: Traveling wreaked havoc on my digestive system.  I had the constipation under control with the magic oranges and then BAM throw me on a plane and all my hard work just went out the window, I have been SO uncomfortable the last few days, but here's hoping that with a few more days and a few more oranges we can get back to a little more regular.

Aside from the constipation there is SO much pressure on everything in there, I still have not "popped" so my uterus is sitting rather low and heavy on my bladder and intestines and boy oh boy can I feel it! I have pretty bad gas pains every time I eat and I can't stop peeing to save my life.

On occasion I'm also dizzy when I stand up.  I've had to lean against a wall or sit back down after standing up too quickly.

Gender:  I'm kind of stuck on girl now.  Are you guys sad that I COULD know now but I still don't?!  It was HARD to look away at the ultrasound today!  BUT, baby had it's legs crossed the whole time so I don't think she could have told us even if we had wanted to know.

Did you know they check your cervix at this ultrasound?  For some reason I assumed that a cervix check would have to be done via transvaginal ultrasound, but nope, they measure your cervix with the abdominal one!  For the record, my cervix is fine, even though I'm fully convinced at one point or another almost every other day that I'm going into preterm labor.  Don't know why!  I think all the gas pains make me think of contractions even though they're absolutely NOTHING like the contractions from my miscarriage.  I just can't shake the fear, especially now that in 2 weeks we leave miscarriage territory and enter stillborn territory and we're still 6 weeks from viability!

And another interesting little tidbit I learned from the ultrasound today and this gets all caps and a lot of exclamation points, I DON'T HAVE CYSTIC OVARIES RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!  Wait, what?!  I am now thoroughly, THOROUGHLY confused about my PCOS diagnosis because as far as I was aware with PCOS you ALWAYS have cystic ovaries and up until this point this has been true.  EVERY ultrasound I've ever had I have had polycystic ovaries, including the one immediately after my miscarriage.  But apparently right now they are beautiful cyst free!!!  So, if I wasn't already planning on it I pretty much have to have all my babies as soon as I can.  The MINUTE I start ovulating after giving birth (which hopefully breastfeeding will put off for at least a year) we have to start trying for #2, hence my being pregnant for the better part of 5 years reference above!  And that is also assuming that cyst free ovaries means ovulation for me!  But does this mean I don't actually have PCOS?  Why do I have polycystic ovaries that keep me from ovulating if I go hormone free for too long if it's not PCOS?????  So many questions I now have!  I guess it will all be a big fat wait and see game after giving birth.

So, without further ado...

Bumpdate:

And...Baby!

Baby Feet!

All This Pregnancy Talk

Before I say anything else I have to say ULTRASOUND IS TOMORROW!!!!

EEK!!!!


I will bumpdate tomorrow (husband out of town again!) with the ultrasound piccie.

Now back to my post.

I have something to share with you guys.

I know I talk about pregnancy almost constantly.  And the truth is I almost only read YOUR posts if they're about pregnancy (or infertility, I keep up to date with everyone's fertility treatments too).

I pretty much have nothing else to blog about these days.  And I am trying to absorb as much from the other pregnancy bloggers as I can.

And there's a reason.

With pregnancy #1 I waited until I was 8 weeks to write anything about pregnancy and then I tried to make it sporadic, every other post at most that I would write about it.  And I had barely begun to read others pregnancy blogs.

And then we lost the baby.

I had so many unpublished posts about pregnancy that were no longer relevant because I was no longer pregnant.  And I quickly unfollowed every pregnancy blog that I was reading.

Then there was a lot of miscarriage writing.  And a lot of searching for others who had recently miscarried.  And a lot of unfollowing of anyone who was lucky enough to get their BFP while I was grieving.

So, this time, instead of trying to keep my pregnancy talk down to every other post, I'm just going with it. Whatever I feel like writing that day I write and I post.

BECAUSE WHO KNOWS HOW LONG I'LL STAY PREGNANT.

And there it is.

Those sick sick thoughts that won't let me accept a full term pregnancy as a reality, those better write it and post it while you're pregnant because you might not be able to write it tomorrow thoughts.

On the outside looking in when I read my own blog it looks like I've transitioned from my place of darkness where all I could think about was recurrent miscarriage to a place where I'm now happily pregnant.  Absorbed fully in pregnancy since that's all I talk about on here and rarely do I go to that dark place anymore (except of course when met with gobs of CM =).  I don't do this consciously, which is the GOOD news, it means I'm not consciously trying to push away dark thoughts but I recognize that it might give off a much different impression of how I'm feeling than I actually am.

This whole PAIL debate really got me thinking about what I write on my blog and why.  I've never censored myself and I don't plan to start.  I write what I want, when I want and usually because it's something I want to remember. I wrote a lot about the miscarriage because I don't ever want to forget what I felt those few weeks afterward.  No, it's not pleasant but it's nice to know that I'm not there anymore.  I write about pregnancy because I want to remember all this later in life after pregnancy seems like a distant memory and I have teenagers driving me crazy.

I LOVE getting comments it's true, but they don't drive my post content, they are the added bonus of writing something worth reading.

I know that I am in a lucky position to be pregnant with 35 others who are also pregnant and have fought this battle right along side me.  Because of this, since becoming pregnant I have not had my readership go down, my comments have not gone down and my followers have actually gone UP.

But I am also very much aware that constant pregnancy chatter can be like a knife to the heart of those still in the trenches and make it seem like I've forgotten my journey to get here.  I know a lot of those still in the midst of their battles will not be reading here anymore and that's ok, I did the same thing.  

But I still wanted to let everyone know that even though my blog is constantly about pregnancy now it's not about forgetting the journey, because that would be impossible.  The unfortunate reality is...

My constant pregnancy talk = trying to squeeze in as much as possible just in case I have to quit and go back to sad writing....

Bumpdate - 17 weeks

I would like to tell you that this 2nd trimester is so easy, but this week has been rough for me as the incident two nights ago was not the only traumatic incident I've had this week.

Earlier in the week I had some sort of back spasm?/sciatic nerve issue?  In all honesty we (meaning my midwives and myself) have no idea what happened but it went something like this.  I got up, felt fine but then half an hour into my day I started having these waves of shooting pain in the lower left side of my back.  It was the waves that made me nervous, reminded me of the waves of contractions in my miscarriage (all panic attacks can be traced back to the miscarriage it seems!).  And as I sat through waves and waves with my hand on my uterus to determine if it was just my back or my back AND uterus I finally decided it was back exclusive.  Since my uterus was staying out of it my midwife said she wasn't worried, to rest and call a chiropractor if it didn't go away in a day or so because sciatic nerve pain can be a real problem with pregnant women and she suspected this may be the case.  Luckily after a day laying on a heating pad on the couch, where the waves would return every time I got up to use the toilet, it all went away.  I've had nothing, not even a tiny bit of pain in that same spot since.

Nevertheless it was another unsettling day though nowhere near as unsettling as 2 nights ago.  But you better believe there was cervix checking going on then too!  My cervix and I are getting to be such close friends lately.

So, bumpdate...

How far along: 17 weeks

Weight Gain: +2 this week!  I am up 7 lbs.  After the bump disappeared for a bit at 16 weeks it's made it's comeback, it is now around ALL day not just at night.

Maternity Clothes:  No.  Me and maternity clothes are not friends...except my leggings and my newest addition TIGHTS.  Love maternity leggings and tights.

What's up with my body: The headaches are back.  Most days at one point or another I have a headache.  They are rarely bad enough to need a Tylenol but it's nice to know I can take it as a last resort if it gets bad.  I'm also having a lot of what I assume is gas pains lately, my uterus feels like it's pressing on EVERYTHING in there, so peeing and gas are at an ALL TIME HIGH.  Please PLEASE uterus lift UP already!

Movement:  Sadly, no.

Gender:  Back to girl.  It's the bump, when the bump is out it's just so high I can't help but think girl!  I promise I'm not purposely going back and forth every week, it's just turning out that way that I'm literally going from one to the other from one week to the next.

What I'm looking forward to: Anatomy Scan in 1 week!  I'm just so excited that we COULD find out the sex even though we're not going to.  It's a milestone in pregnancy, making it far enough to find out the sex!

Bumpdate:  I'm in NYC, this piccie will have to suffice.

Look, I'm wearing jeans...just for you guys ;-)

And a quick note about flying while pregnant.  I've decided my gobs of CM were travel related, here's why:

I have 4 examples of traveling getting things "moving" down there.  Pressure changes?

First example, last September, the baby had died 3.5 weeks ago when we flew to NYC, so the flight obviously did not CAUSE the miscarriage but when we landed I started spotting.  The flight travel seems to have moved things along and helped the bleeding to start.

Second example, my miscarriage bleeding was nothing more than very light bleeding when we left NYC, tiny clots and very infrequent.  As soon as we touched down in SF I passed my first HUGE clot (sorry gross!) in the SFO airport.

Third example, 4 weeks after my miscarriage we flew to London.  Again as soon as we touched down I started my first period post miscarriage in the Heathrow airport.  But I spotted for 3 weeks after this and my acupuncturist things my period wasn't QUITE ready to start but the flying started it anyway.

Fourth example, moments after landing here in NYC on Tuesday, gobs of thick CM.  That have now completely disappeared.

I have flown TONS over the last 3 or 4 years and I have never noticed travel affected my menstrual cycle in any way before this BUT I was on the pill forever and then after that my menstrual cycles were completely wonky anyway and then just stopped.  Oh how I wish the magic of flight travel would have started my periods back then!  I flew often in those 90 and 100 day cycles with nothing!  So, for me this is exclusively a pregnant or recently not pregnant phenomenon.

MY TIP, if you're pregnant and flying don't be surprised if your CM changes dramatically from the travel!

The No Good Horrible Very Bad Day

I have a bumpdate for you I promise, but it has to wait until tomorrow because instead of a bumpdate...

I have to tell you guys a story.

It's a story that I will title, How I Freaked the Fuck Out Last Night and Convinced Myself I was Going Into Preterm Labor.

For starters, I am fine, there is nothing wrong.  Everything I experienced was normal, but because of special circumstances that I will describe momentarily it was really hard for me to convince myself of that last night.

So here's the story.

I flew into NYC last night and to refresh everyone's memories the last time I was in NYC was last September and almost immediately upon landing I started spotting and two days later we found out that a miscarriage was imminent.  We cut our trip short and hightailed it back to SF so I could miscarry in the comfort of my own home.

I was hoping that starting my miscarriage here in NYC would not taint NYC for me and I made it a point to come out here and NOT let the experience ruin NYC.

But obviously there's something of the experience still left in my brain because...

TMI warning, there is a lot of cervix and cervical mucus talk from here on out, you have been warned.

As soon as I arrived at my final destination I felt "something" in my underwear, something that felt eerily similar to passing a clot through my cervix.  Ever since my miscarriage I am UBER aware of what it feels like when something passes through my cervix.

When I went to inspect the situation I found a huge gooey gob of cervical mucus that looked suspiciously like snot.  Now ever since the beginning of the 2nd tri the CM has really kicked it up a notch from 1st tri and has been much more prevalent but up until this point CM has been very very thin and watery, nowhere near this thick.

The gooey gob was completely clear and I was in no pain.  

I immediately checked my cervix because that's what a rational person does right?  Immediately assumes her cervix is dilating because of gooey CM?  All was fine, cervix was very hard and very closed, PERFECT.  So, I didn't worry about it.

But 2 hours later after a wonderful dinner out with my girlfriends I had to use the loo again and once more I'm met with GOBS of thick mucus.  I once again go searching around for my cervix (seriously do fertiles do this?) and I CAN'T FIND IT!!!

So I proceed to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

In that instant I absolutely 100% convinced myself that I had just passed my mucus plug and that labor was imminent and that I would have to go to the ER again and lose the baby WITHOUT my husband with me.  It was the same apartment, same bathroom, everything was the same and it was like I was repeating those horrible days where I started spotting back in September.

As I said, clearly the past experience with the miscarriage starting here is still with me.

So, because I was SO FREAKED OUT I called my midwife and luckily with the time difference it was only 8:30pm for her and she answered right away.

Here's what she told me, THICK CERVICAL MUCUS IS A TOTALLY NORMAL SYMPTOM OF PREGNANCY.

And when I told her I couldn't find my cervix?

She tells me THAT IS A TOTALLY NORMAL THING FOR YOUR CERVIX TO DO.

Completely NOT convinced I somehow manage to fall asleep anyway and I had terrible TERRIBLE dreams about miscarrying.  In my dream every time I went to the bathroom there would be more and more blood.

IT WAS AWFUL.

This morning with my more rational head on I once again checked my cervix (no wonder my cervix is hiding from me, it's protecting itself from all the poking and prodding!) and once again it was right there, hard and closed.

And then because I'm staying with a friend who had a baby a few years ago and has a doppler, we dopplered me, HEARTBEAT IS PUMPING AWAY BEAUTIFULLY.

So, in a nutshell, I am totally fine and not in preterm labor.  And because I want others to learn from me, for all the preggies, DON'T FREAK OUT ABOUT THICK GOBS OF CLEAR CERVICAL MUCUS in your 2nd tri and convince yourself you're going into preterm labor if you have no other reason to suspect such a situation is occurring.

This community has a downfall.  Usually information is power, but in this instance I wish I was blissfully unaware of people going into labor at 20 or 22 weeks.  

Unfortunately in this community we are all too aware of the tragedies that befall many of our members and we know all the details, we know all about preterm labor and losing babies at 20 weeks.  It is not a story that happened to a friend of a friend of a friend, it happened to one (or many) of us and we've read the details straight from the source.

I KNOW it can happen and it sucks that my brain took me there SO EASILY.  This was the only time since becoming a member of this community where I desperately wished I wasn't and that I was completely naive and had only heard about women losing their babies from afar, like a friend of a friend of a friend lost her baby at 20 weeks and I had no other details.  

I mourn the loss of my naiveté.

So, there you have it.  Just when I start looking at strollers and getting comfortable I am STRUCK DOWN with an episode of pure crazy panic.  

We're at 17 weeks today and I have officially entered what I consider the 2nd "scary" period.  Of course the first 10-12 weeks are the 1st scary period, but somewhere between now and 24 weeks it is no longer miscarriage that is the worry (even though up until 20 weeks it's still technically a miscarriage) but preterm labor and losing your baby in a different way.  The baby having no heartbeat is becoming less and less worrisome and having to give birth to the baby because of one reason or another before it's ready to come out is the new fear.

New week, new fear.

Just 7 more weeks, just 7 more weeks...

Pregnant IFers

If you have not yet received your BFP I strongly recommend you don't read this post.  I've been there and I know how much it hurts to feel like you are the only one still struggling and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with this post.  But the reality is that I'm pregnant and I have to start living life as though I will STAY pregnant even though most of the time this is a concept I'm still struggling with.  This post is an effort to start moving in that direction.

This post is a celebration of pregnancy.

It is a celebration of all the BFP's that the IF community has been blessed with over the last few months.

I've struggled a lot with accepting pregnancy as a reality.  During my first pregnancy I went out of my way to seek out other newly pregnant bloggers, this backfired as I lost my baby and they went on to have their babies...or are HAVING them now, this is my EDD month!  I unfollowed them all and went back to IFers.

This time I've been EXTREMELY hesitant to seek out other pregnant bloggers.  Luckily the IF community was hit with a string of BFPs and I was already following a bunch of you when you received your news.  So, voila!  Pregnant buddies without me having to do a thing.

But lately, since this pregnancy is still progressing smoothly, I've been going out of my way to find MORE pregnant bloggers but this time I've stuck to pregnant IF bloggers.  I'm hoping this is a step in the right direction to help me better accept pregnancy and be more willing to wrap my brain around the idea of a happy outcome to pregnancy.

So today I removed my TTC Journey on the right hand side (though it's still a page at the top) and I added a blogroll of exclusively pregnant IFers.

Guess how many of you I found to add to this blogroll?

28

Holy shit!  28 pregnant IFers!

Most of you I have been following since long before your BFP.

Some of you I started following after I received my own BFP.

And some of you I just found through PAIL.

Some of you are a bit farther along than me.

Some of you are within a week of me.

And some of you are brand new and JUST received your BFP.

But I believe everyone is due between June and October.  We will all have babies within a few months of each other.

I don't care how pregnant you are, if you've received a BFP lately I added you.

And I'm absolutely amazed at how many of us there are.

I thought there would be 10...maybe 15.  I didn't realize the number was much much closer to 30.

I know that numbers are not always on our side and statistics would dictate that not all of us should get to keep our babies, especially in this community that always seems to have a higher number of tragedies.  So, in an effort to minimize emotional pain if this were to happen to any of us I promise to follow you all carefully and make sure that if any of you, god forbid, lose your babies I will remove you immediately from the blogroll so that you never have to see your name over there and cry.  I imagine it would be like getting a bump.com email about the next week in your pregnancy after you've lost your baby.  Been there, done that and I don't want to invoke those feelings I had for anyone who is dealing with a loss.

That being said I'm hoping to not have to remove ANY of you and even to ADD more IFers and that we as a group beat the odds!

Now, did I miss anyone?

UPDATE:  We're up to 34!!!

PAIL: Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility and Loss

Every single infertility blogger wants to someday cross over to the other side and have their infertility blog turn into a pregnancy blog and later into a mommy blog.

But every single one of us that pees on that stick and gets a longed for positive instead of the oft repeated negative has no idea how to make the transition.

Pregnancy after infertility and loss leaves you feeling very much in limbo.

We walk a fine line between not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings by talking about pregnancy too much and struggling to find a place where we belong with other pregnant bloggers who didn't have to fight to achieve their pregnancy.

All of your fellow infertiles who are still waiting for their BFP's probably don't want to hear you bitch about how uncomfortable pregnancy can be and since you've been there you realize that for anyone still in the trenches that complaining about pregnancy can be like a knife through the heart.

But let's face, pregnancy isn't all rainbows and unicorns and even though most of us pray for the nausea and fatigue and constipation to stick around just so we know we're still pregnant, it still makes for some pretty uncomfortable situations and sometimes you just gotta whine about it.

But on the other hand, those of us who have struggled/experienced loss just to get to this point have a really hard time relating to pregnant women who did not struggle to get here.  We don't feel like we belong with the "fertiles" but we know we're losing out place with the "infertiles".

Infertility is still a part of you, the loss is still a part of you, but you're on the path to motherhood and at some point you have to cross over.

So, what's a pregnant infertile blogger to do?

Elphaba has come up with an answer for us, a blogroll of other Pregnant/Parenting after Infertility and Loss bloggers, so we can all connect with each other and be in limbo together.

If you want to sign up and join, do it here.

And if at any time you want to check out the blogroll and find other preggo (or parent) infertiles just click my button on the right!

Update:  Apparently my button over there on the right does not work right now...I'm working on it and much to my chagrin IT'S NOT COOPERATING.  Hopefully in the very near future clicking on the button will work!!!

100 Followers

I've hit 100 Followers.

This is cause for celebration.

If I wasn't pregnant I would pour myself a nice big mimosa with very little orange juice and drink it outside in the sunshine.

Instead I will just congratulate myself with a glass of orange juice...sans champagne.  BORING.

100 Followers I want to thank you all for following along through my journey.

The majority of you are here via the IF community and I thank you ladies for being here with me through my little journey to hell and back.

And while I pray every day for a healthy FULL TERM pregnancy I know that if things were to go belly up I have this wonderful group of women to fall back on for support and that makes the whole damn thing just a tiny bit less scary.

This blog is about a year and a half old now, if you didn't know because no one was following me then it started out as a chronicle of my time abroad as an expat in Sydney and it was called 

From Sydney With Love.

When we returned to the States it very slowly but very surely turned into random/life musings blog peppered with recipes, book reviews and decorating ideas as I really wasn't ready to come out of the infertility closet and share my anovulation woes with the world.  Then it was well on it's way to becoming a pregnancy blog when one miscarriage rocked me to my core and forced the infertility story out of me.

And I've never looked back.

Honestly I never thought I would have as many followers as I do, writing was/is therapeutic, especially during tumultuous times and I mostly write for myself but I do love having a group of people on the other side of this computer screen with shared/similar experiences to tell me things like: 

It's Ok to still cry every time I talk about my miscarriage.

Miscarriage is WAY more common than we're led to believe when we start our journey to motherhood.

Everyone thinks their baby is dead at some point in pregnancy.

That my cat probably DOES know I'm pregnant.

It's Ok to be totally freaked out about a pregnancy post miscarriage rather than elated and excited.

and

Constipation is a normal part of pregnancy.

I hope you all stick around for the ride as we CONTINUE on the pregnancy path and god-willing all the way to the all but unreachable land of motherhood.

Love you all and thanks for following!

Just How Deep the Denial Goes

I've had a few people ask me lately if I've started buying baby items yet.

I'd love to say yes.

To say that I'm confident in my pregnancy and I've started buying onesies and bibs and cute baby outfits.

But the answer is a resounding no.

Not a thing.

I haven't even looked.

I haven't walked through the baby section.

I haven't stepped foot in a baby store.

I haven't browsed baby clothes online.

While many things have changed for us as the pregnancy has progressed and my husband and I are now able to talk about the baby, there's still a bit of denial going on that we will actually have a baby come August.

We've managed to set the pregnancy week that we will sell our Olympics tickets, we've decided when my husband will discuss paternity leave with work and we've set midwife and ultrasound appointments through March.

But we haven't talked names, we haven't cleaned out the nursery, we haven't looked at furniture and we haven't bought any baby items.

I don't even mark my calendar with anything farther than the next week in the pregnancy.  As in I hit 15 weeks pregnant yesterday but I have not yet written 16 on next Wednesday.

Pregnancy is still a here and now concept and still too hard to put into future context.

But just how deep does the denial go?

Have you guys heard of Hautelook.com?  Designer clothes for cheap?

Well, just a week or so ago Citizens of Humanity was having a sale, so I bought some jeans.

Let's think about that for a moment.

I was 14 weeks pregnant and I just bought a pair of non-maternity jeans in my regular size.

It didn't even occur to me that they wouldn't fit.

It didn't occur to me that I would be growing OUT of things like jeans and it probably wasn't the time to buy regular jeans.

They arrived yesterday and guess what?  They don't fit.  Not even a little bit.  

My husband looked at me like I was crazy when he saw them sitting on the kitchen counter.  

"Are those maternity jeans?" he asks.  "No" I sheepishly reply.

"Do they fit?" he asks.  "Of course not." I say.

I can wrap my brain around being pregnant IN THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW.  But I have a little trouble when it comes to thinking about the pregnancy IN THE FUTURE.  Obviously it did not occur to me that my pregnancy would be progressing and that regular jeans would not fit.

I thought I was doing so well, but perhaps I still have a few hangups to work out.

It's a little sad.

I find myself commenting on other newly pregnant after a loss blogs, saying "it gets easier with time." blah blah blah.  Like I'm so wise just 7 or 8 weeks farther along than they are.  And while it DOES get easier emotionally, as in I am not constantly worrying about losing this baby anymore, that miscarriage obviously still has a hold on me and I can't fully come to grips with the possibility of this pregnancy going full term, let alone an actual baby resulting from said pregnancy.

What can I say?  Your brain does some funny things in an effort to protect itself from damage.

To everyone else pregnant after a loss, it IS easier as time goes on, I promise, constant thoughts of miscarriage have all but vanished, I have a moment once a week or so when I'm convinced the baby is dead but I think that might actually just be a normal pregnant woman thing and not specific to my pregnant after a loss situation.  I am WELL past where I lost my last one and thus have nothing to compare the rest of this pregnancy to and have no reason to assume things will go awry.  

But I DO have trouble with the concept of pregnancy and a resulting baby mentally.  And I don't know when or if this will go away.  When I see a picture of how big a 15 week old fetus is inside a body I am perplexed, IS THAT REALLY HOW BIG THAT THING IS ALREADY?  Maybe all women feel this way?  I don't know.  But there it is.

I'm still scared I won't have a baby come August and apparently I'm still deeply in denial about needing maternity clothes and baby stuff.

I know I have a long way to go yet before things like naming the baby and buying it clothes become a dire need but in the meantime I should probably concentrate on buying APPROPRIATE clothing for myself and maybe quit buying non-maternity clothing?

One thing at a time.